Unsung Heroes: Mothers of ADHD Children

It doesn't matter if you are the mother of one child, or five children, with ADHD/ADD. Your mothering experience, at times, is vastly different from that of your peers with non-ADHD/ADD children. During pregnancy, the mother-to-be envisions what life will be like with her new baby. Images of a healthy baby, growing into a happy toddler, lead to those of a joyful adolescent and an active, well adjusted teen. Nowhere in her dreams does the Mom-To-Be imagine a fiercely colicky baby, growing into an extreme tantrum toddler, leading to an oppositional adolescent or a defiant teen. are

Early on, the Mom of an ADDer often discovers that her dream of mothering a child has nothing to do with the reality of her experience of motherhood. She spends much energy wondering what it is she is doing wrong. Negative emotions, damaging self-talk, and feelings of failure as a mother, often surface. She begins to wonder what she can do differently, to help her child. She notices that the way other children respond to their parents is significantly different from the way her child responds to her parenting efforts. With that recognition, the Mom begins to seek answers outside of her home library of parenting books, and the lifelong journey through the ADHD maze begins.

When there is an ADHD child in the family, the majority of focus is on that child, and managing the most troublesome ADHD traits. Little, to no attention, is given to the mother, who works tirelessly, and often alone, to find the help her child needs. Mothers of ADDers lack much needed understanding and support. It is time to shift some of that focus away from the child and onto the Moms of the ADHD children, the unsung heros of parenting.

Today, I'm looking at the raw reality of the ADHD experience from the mother's perspective. I do not mean to imply this is the experience of all mothers of ADHD children. However, from my 25 years as a therapist, specializing in ADHD, I believe the experiences below are extremely common among mothers of ADHD children.

My intention is to give all those who consider themselves part of an ADHD child's support team, a moment to pause, and reflect on what their part is in the ADDers mother's experience. Once you have done so, please ask that mother what their experience of your support is, and what you can do to expand your supportive role. When they tell you, please listen with an open heart and mind, free of defensiveness and judgment. Remember, whatever the mom tells you, it is her reality, and, as a team member, it is your job to respect it by providing whatever additional, reasonable support she asks of you, to the best of your ability, not just today, but everyday going forward!

Mothers of ADHD children have more than their share of:

Stress
Worries
Put Downs
Judgments
Embarrassment
Household Tasks
Insecurities as a parent
Dirty looks from strangers
Doctor/Professional Appointments
Scares from extreme risk taking behavior
Uninvited, and ill-advised, parenting "suggestions"

As the mother of ADHD children, it is very difficult to escape feelings of failure in living up to the models of "ideal" motherhood foisted upon us by society. Friends often fall away, because they don't understand the extra demands our children
put on us. One social date cancelation too many, often severs a friendship, eventually leading to social isolation for the moms of ADDers.

Support for moms of ADDers, in their frustrating battles against the world, as they advocate for their children, is sparse. What support is available, is often very costly, preventing many moms from getting the help they need. If she wants to find someone with an understanding of ADHD, and how it impacts her family, this mom will have to pay for it big time. Even then, the help is often lacking in the most updated comprehensive knowledge, and mothers with the resources to hire help, often find themselves still doing most of the needed advocacy for their ADDers, by themselves.

The mom of an ADDer spends hours bridging communication difficulties and facilitating connections with her ADHD child, as well as clarifying and making her needs, and that of her ADDers, known to the child's father, extended family, friends, neighbors, teachers, school administrators, doctors, therapists, and the many other professionals often called upon. All too often, many of these people put up a huge wall for the mom to climb, before they become productive advocates for the ADDer.

Moms of ADDers are thrown into the role of case manager, while trying to learn about the many treatment options, choose which are best for her child, find the most appropriate professionals and which, among them, is best for her child. It becomes the mother's role to coordinate the intervention; a daunting task when one is new to the process. Once the diagnostic process begins, it tends to snowball. The process doesn't stop, or even slow down, so that the mom can educate herself. Additionally, these moms often find themselves running between appointments, torn between professionals whose opinions differ among themselves.

Many doctors neglect to monitor medication, or work until a therapeutic dose (The dose of medication where the troublesome ADHD symptoms are significantly quieted, and there are the least, to no, side effects) is found. Teachers often only understand the components of ADHD that have an impact on academic learning skills, but neglect to realize the connection between ADHD and the child's classroom and social behavior. Many therapists understand ADHD, but not the connection between ADHD medication and the child's behavior. Many hours, and resources, are spent in vain, working on skills, and behavior plans, for which the child lacks the neurochemical balance necessary for long term success, that could be provided with a therapeutic dose of medication. All too often, the mother is left to her own devices to figure all of this out, and advocate for her child's needs with the professionals, while maintaining a good working relationship with them, and avoiding stepping on any ones toes and egos.

Meanwhile, on the home front, the mom of an ADDer, whether she has other employment or not, is most often the one most involved in caring, and getting the help, for the ADHD child. Because the Dad is then out of the main loop, and often gets information second hand, he isn't always on the same page regarding treatment, the resources going to that treatment, and the style of parenting the mom employs. This can cause a rift in the marital relationship, distancing the father even more from the process, leading to further isolation of the mom, causing her additional stress and burdens.

Juggling appointments, processing new information, dispensing medication, protecting the ADDer from a cruel, uninformed society, proactively preparing the environment for the child, and the child for the environment, doing everything possible to help her ADDer, stretching the families resources without breaking them, while maintaining the roles of mother, wife, daughter, friend, co-worker, while is an overwhelming and daunting task. Many moms of ADDers lose themselves in the process and finding it almost impossible to maintain balance in their own life.

CONTENT:
The information on this blog is intended as educational only. It should not be construed as psychotherapy, psychiatry, psychology or medical practice or treatment. The information herein should not substitute for your doctor's, or therapist's, advice. If you have, or suspect that you have, a medical condition, contact your health care provider immediately.

ADS:
Please do not assume because something is advertised on this lens that ADD Coach Services or Regina Cashman, recommend the service or product. Which products are chosen are not in my control.There are many valuable ADD Resources and helpful products. There are many alternative treatments for ADD that can be beneficial and complimentary as an adjunct to the treatment your doctor recommends. However, many treatments offer empty promises. Be careful. Be mindful. Do your research. For more on how to go about deciding on appropriate treatments for your particular situation please visit ADDCoach Services.