5 Nonsensical Life Lessons from Anime

Did you know that winning a card game determines your lifetime success? I wish someone would have told me that last time I played Magic: The Gathering.

Well, it's true. A children's game can mean life or death for you.

No, this isn't some strange torture chamber- in anime, this is real life. I don't care if you are ten years old little Timmy, you are gonna play this game of spinning tops like your life depends on it...because it does.

What kind of sick twisted world subjects innocent children to deadly games of collectible cards!? An anime one, that's what.

Don't want to play cards, little Timmy? That's okay, 'cause now you and your friends have to use your ancient ninjutsu techniques to stay alive.
What was that? You don't know the way of the ninja? Too bad- wait about 20 episodes and we'll see if you live.

Even when you're fighting for your life it's still just a game- to the surrounding crowd you're nothing more than a dispensable gladiator provided for their entertainment! There's nothing like reducing the crowd to raving primal animals to keep you in the fighting spirit.

In the end, for all the risk it's worth, the pay off is incredible! In fact, if you succeed, the whole world will be saved!

All you have to do is defeat the best game player around. He's obviously only the best because of how evil he is, and not because of the hours he spent in his mom's basement.

This past week, the most magical thing my friends and I experienced was eating lunch at McDonald's. And we didn't even play in the Playplace or get a happy meal.

According to anime, I must be doing something wrong. Friendship is MAGIC! Don't you get that !?!?

Friendship conquers all.

Are you an evil dictator? You must not have any friends. Lost your job? No friends, that's why. Going bald? Open yourself to the magic of friendship!

This concept doesn't even apply to humans sometimes- you need to be a robot's friend or they won't function well when you're using them to kill the other country's robot. You should capture creatures in a red and white airtight ball because you want to be their friend, not because you want to win a fighting tournament (see reason 5). The earth is getting warmer- not because of what scientists say, but because it's lonely.

Next time you fill out that resume, don't worry about credentials. In fact, it doesn't even matter if you finished high school!

Just remember that if you've got friends, that's all that matters.

And that leads us into life lesson number 3.

If you find yourself in front of a portal that may possibly lead you into another dimension, by all means you should jump right in!

Don't worry about going to school or what your parents might think- those sort of things don't matter very much anyway.

The real goal in your life should be adventure, that's what! And if you follow life lesson number 4 by bringing friends with you, you're already off to a great start.

It also doesn't matter how long you're gone- your parents will just patiently wait for you at home with a homemade lunch when you get back. They won't even expect an explanation of where you've been.

You will do great in school even if you fail everything. Grades don't matter when you're an anime character. If you get held back a grade, that just means an even more awesome adventure is coming your way. If you mess up so awfully that you are forced to be transferred into what looks like a shady alternative school, well bub, get ready for two full seasons of pure adrenaline.

I mean that in the best way possible.

I am happily married to a wonderful guy named Josh. A great thing about our relationship is that we always know that the other one truly cares. Usually that is a very important thing between two people.

In anime however, mutual love is not at all important. In fact, it makes the relationship more fun and interesting instead of sad and creepy.

In most cases the stalker's- I mean lover's- work will pay off and he or she will live in a blissful happily ever existence with the objects of his or her affections. AFTER 560 EPISODES- and that includes filler.

Sometimes though, nothing ever happens. The one person you have poured your heart and soul into will never, ever love you, and that's perfectly okay. You won't be sad or bitter because like we've learned already, friendship is magic.

Other times you get accidentally engaged to a complete stranger that you could care less about. That's okay too. These things happen all the time. You will either spend the rest of your animated life fighting with and/or denying the existence of your new fiance, or you will fall hopelessly in love with each other. AFTER 560 EPISODES- and that includes filler. And it's the last episode ever created.

This is one of the most dangerous life lessons to teach our youngsters.

What kind of crazy shenanigans are kids gonna be up to these days once they figure out they can't die! It's a secret that has been guarded for centuries by anime gurus and should remain as such.

If you are the main character, (and unless you have terrible social skills or bad hygiene, you probably are) then congratulations. You've got it made. Don't worry about running headlong into deadly situations. Warning signs? They don't apply to you. It's even okay if you literally cease to exist. Eventually you will come back to life. At the worst you'll be out for about three episodes while your less important friends wander aimlessly around without you.

If you aren't the main character, you betta watch your back! Death is serious business. Once you die, you dead for real, unlike the more popular main character. If the "power of friendship" has already saved you once before, then you're in even greater danger. You've already cheated death once. If you find yourself in a tight spot there's nothing stopping fate from turning your episode into an animated, kid-friendly Final Destination.