50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

Ending a relationship is not an easy thing for most people. We all stay, waiting for some catalyst to come along while we know that our life is slipping away, one day at a time. Each day that we could be spending doing something more creative with somebody that … well, we all have better things to do than waste any time in the wrong place with the wrong people.

Like they say, life is too short.

So if you need a catalyst - well here you go!

There is no excuse because there must be at least fifty was to leave your lover!

one thru ten

SLIP OUT THE BACK
Simply disappearing from town and never leaving a message or contact information is definitely a neat and tidy option for you if you have no life or connections in the area. This option is cruel, but clean and usually used on vacations and does leave only the memories of happier times (hopefully). But why not be creative and leave a red rose (if you are a guy) or tuck a pair of your lacey panties into his laundry as a little good-by. Give your lover a better story to tell when they get home.
MAKE A NEW PLAN
This can be a bit touchy. It involves sitting down with said lover and outlining your future plans and ambitions in fine detail, pointing out clearly that there is no place in said plan for, ahem, them. Be fully prepared to defend this plan, not to mention your physical being, and have an emergency exit plan also fully prepared.
HOP ON THE BUS
This one can be fun and definitely gets an "A" for creativity. It does involve relocation and therefore is most useful in the situation when your lover is that of an obsessive type that must be dealt with swiftly and abruptly. Have your belongings shipped to your final destination ahead of time. One day take a walk with your soon-to-be-ex-darling to the part of town where you know the buses run on a regular schedule. While you are walking along the street bring up a subject that you know will start a conversation that will bring out the worse in your loser-lover. When the bus stops near you, just run and get on it, and wave good-by. Your dumped-devotee won't know what happened as you are motored away in your vehicle of sovereignty.
DROP OFF THE KEY
Real simple, real neat, real clear. Don't want you no more, don't need your key no more.
WRITE A LETTER
The thing to remember here is to never put in print what you wouldn't want printed on the front page of the New York Times (or any local newspaper of your choice). If he or she is vindictive, and his or her daddy is or knows the editor, this could very well happen. It has. Tread lightly with this one unless you are a gifted poet, you will most likely get in trouble.
WRITE AN EMAIL
Just like writing a letter only with a forward button that will make SURE it is read by everybody that you know or hope to know, or will eventually know in the future. See above.
LEAVE A PHONE MESSAGE
A friend of mine was dumped this way and the only thing anyone remembers was, he left her a phone message. NOT cool!
ON A CARD WITH FLOWERS
Okay, weak, but okay. Sounds like something Barry Manalo would suggest.
WRITE IT IN THE SKY
This one is totally acceptable for extreme circumstances, such as; infidelity, lying, cheating, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, disloyalty, unethical behavior, deceitfulness, adultery, treachery, fraudulence, and deception. Planes using vapor or banners are both acceptable methods.

Note: try to be as specific as possible to avoid confusion among other couples in the area
IN THE NOTATION SECTION OF A VERY LARGE CHECK WITH A HEARTFELT APOLOGY
This one is totally acceptable for extreme circumstances, such as; infidelity, lying, cheating, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, disloyalty, unethical behavior, deceitfulness, adultery, treachery, fraudulence, and deception.

Music To Leave Your Lover by...

Still Crazy After All These Years

Release Date: 07/13/2004

Amazon Price: $14.99 (as of 09/08/2008)

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Ending Relationships

Ending Relationships Gracefully: The problem of ending relationships gracefully arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn't want to be with them. This article offers another way of seeing it and of handling the ending of relationships.
What You Should Know About How to End Relationships: Ending Relationships Gracefully
Ending Relationships - Psychologist 4therapy.com: Help on ending relationships
Ending Relationships: You want it to be over. You want to feel better. You want a life. All those things will come - with time and effort. This course is provided to give you information and opportunities to heal and grow as you move through the reality of your realtionship ending.

eleven thru twenty

although numbered 1 thru 10

GO TO JAIL
It may be the easy way out?
JOIN THE CIRCUS
Start buffing up on your juggling skills.
VOLUNTEER TO LIVE IN THE BIOSPHEER
If they still do that.
BE COMMITTED TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION
Is he/she driving you that crazy?
GO IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
Of course this will first entail witnessing a hit associated with the mob, or something like that. You need to find the exact requirements so you do not waste valuable time on non-WPP trials.
Then you will need to work your way into the confidence of the target group of which you will be the potential witness against.

Note: Use this method only as a last resort.
JOB TRANSFER
Watch the job postings at work for an opening in another state, or better yet on another continent.
JOIN THE ARMED FORCES
Who could question your patriotic aspirations when you put our country needs ahead of your own?
JOIN THE FOREIGN LEGION
Its what they do in the movies.
JOIN THE "OTHER TEAM"
People come out of the closet every day. This may be your day.
HAVE YOUR MOM TELL HIM/HER
That will do the trick!

FIFTY WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER

Paul Simon - Still Crazy After All These Years- 1979

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said "it's really not my habit to intrude"
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
So I repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

She said "it grieves me so to see you in such pain"
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said, I appreciate that, but would you please explain about the fifty ways
She said, "why don't we both just sleep on it tonight"

And I believe, in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

- Paul Simon -
"Still Crazy After All These Years", 1975

Help from the Press

Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours

Help Moving On

au revoir! French Coffee Mug

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Good Bye Bear

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bye! English Coffee Mug

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Price: 14.95

Never stay too long...

...after the lovin's gone.

twenty-one thru thirty

to be added after the previous ten

Get a dog and train it to growl at her. (Use a picture and doggie treats.) She will ultimately give you an ultimatum. Choose the dog.
Fake your own death.
Tell him that you feel you can now open up to him about your ability to talk to people on the "other side" and there was something that they had been wanting to tell you about him, something that happened while he was at his aunt's house when he was in high school, but you're not getting a clear message yet, but by the next full moon you should know the details.
Get engaged to someone else and send your lover an invitation to the wedding. This is assuming he is not entirely stupid.
Go on the Jerry Springer Show (or something like it), and have some black girl (or a white girl that thinks she's one) in the audience with one hand on her hip and the other hand waving in the air explain it for you.
Tell him that your childhood dream of joining a convent has finally come true. You been accepted into the Order of the Sisters of the Doubtful Virgins. He's more likely to buy it if you are at least a Catholic.
Tell her that your lifelong dream of being accepted into a monastery has finally come true. You just got word that you have been accepted into the Monks of the Hood. She won't believe you, but she'll probably leave you for stupidity reasons alone.
Tell her you are building up a resistance to your Turrets Syndrome drug and they don't know how much longer it will be effective at containing the outbursts, BITCH.
The next time you are at a newsstand or magazine rack, pick up one of those rag sheets with the bizarre headlines and look for an outrageous story with a picture of a homely middle-aged woman. (The ones where they need to use a crane to lift them out of the house because they are so big work really well, but they don't come around everyday.) Turn to your boyfriend and say something like, "Gee, I hope Dad at least made some money off the photos this time!"
Tell her you don't think it's right to bring another child into this overcrowded world so you want her to support you in your decision to have a vasectomy and instead of having children, devote your life to raising orphaned baboons from Thailand whose mothers have abandoned them because of their difficult personalities.