The End Of A Journey: A Tribute To My Mother - Sandy Mathisen

Do not bow your heads and weep,
My soul lives on, I did not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds circled in flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not hang your head and cry.
My soul lives on, I did not die.

Today has been a hard day for me. Some days are harder than usual. There's been a lot of that in my life lately since my mother passed away....

My mother's journey in this world and her battle with cancer and complications ended abruptly on August 7, 2008 at the very young age of 65. My mother suffered a cerebral embolism which is a form of a stroke. In my eyes she was still a very vibrant woman and too young to die. I will always feel that way. We always knew the journey back to good health for her wasn't an easy one. From the start, I had a vision of her beating this thing and getting back to her normal healthy self as an end result of the journey we had been on since March of 2007 at her first diagnosis. It was not to be.

As a 43 year old mother of one and a grown woman I miss my mother every day. She, my son and I lived together for the last 8 years and had melded into three generations of a sometimes crazy household. But we loved each other and that far outweighed the sometimes funny and frustrating times when you put three generations in three different phases of their lives under one roof.

This is a tribute to my mother, Sandra Joan Haste Mathisen. Affectionately known to those who loved her as Sandy, sometimes even Sam and Aunt Sam to her loved ones. She was a mother, grandmother, daughter, sister and friend with many who loved her and a smile for all those she met. She was a woman of incredible, unwavering faith even in the light of health issues and adversities. She was in my eyes in so many ways a medical miracle and never once did I hear her ever question or complain anything she was given as far as her health went.

My mother was one of the most pure people in heart that I ever met. She loved completely and unconditionally. As her daughter I know this probably more than anyone because of her three children I was probably the one who tried her the most. Regardless my mother was always there for me with inspirational words and faith that I could do better.

In my young adulthood I was what I would term a lost soul in many ways. My priorities were in the wrong place. I lived for today and didn't often plan for the future. I played too hard, partied too much and lived for the moment. Yet when I thought I had done the absolute worst thing I could do, the one that would make my family give up on me, it was my mother who was always steadfastly by my side. She had a belief and faith in me that took me until probably my mid 30's to find within myself.

Of all the things about my mother, that is the one thing I will most remember. That she believed in me even in the moments of my life when I could not or would not believe in myself.

I became a mother myself at the age of 35. It was then that my admiration of my mother grew to a whole new level and magnitude. I began to understand how she could stand by me during those hard times even if I had broken her heart or disappointed her. I gained an understanding for the tears she cried, the times she was so frustrated with me, the belief and the desire she had for me to be the best person I could be. I began to learn and understand the true depths of a mother's love.

My mother was an incredibly strong and courageous woman, enduring two surgeries and two battles with cancer. She amazed me how faithful she was that her outcome was in God's hands. She never questioned that although I have to admit I often did. That's not an easy thing to own up to but it's a tribute to my mother's incredible faith.

From March 2008 to her passing, life became a series of hospitals, doctors, labs, medications, complications and more all stemming from her surgery. At times it was crazy and I felt like things were so out of my control. I would have given anything to have her better. She always said "a daughter isn't supposed to take care of her mother" but truth was I loved doing it. For all that my mother had done for me throughout my lifetime it was an honor not a chore. I could never repay all that my mother gave to me, did for me and how she influenced my life not even if I'd been there to help care for her for the next 20 years.

I wish we had much, much more time together to see this thru to it's end. I would have given anything to have this seem like a distant memory for her when her treatments and medical issues had been overcome. That was always where my heart and head was at when we went through all the steps we did during her last few months with us. August 7th and the end of my mother's journey was not where I visualized the end to be. It rocked my world - and the world of all her family as we knew it.

I am so very grateful to have had Sandy as my mother - as well as my room-mate and friend - for the 43 years I had her. She will always be a blessing and inspiration in my life. I will see her in all that's good and right with the world because she is there. I will never forget the many ways she touched my life and my son's life throughout the years we have lived together but especially in the last few months of her life. In spite of the difficulties we faced, those times were sweet too because we shared a lot of love and laughter too.

Somewhere between the time I had my son and my mother's passing, I learned to believe in myself and have faith in things that goes way beyond what I had in my younger life. I know I owe that to my mother's influence in my life. Towards the end of her journey, she learned to be more like me and live life for today. Today is your's but your tomorrow is never guaranteed. So love your loved ones more! My mother learned to live more in the moment her last few months with us, but she did it way better than I used to do and I know she loved her life and her family and had no regrets. That does comfort me but doesn't take away the feelings of loss of a remarkable woman who's life was just way too short in my eyes.

I am grateful every day that I shared those times with her in the last few months of her life. The time was just way too short and I never said "I Love You" enough. I know she knew that but I should have said it more. I held her hand, hugged her, laughed with her and cried with her more in the last two months of her life than I had probably my entire life. Looking back I realize what a shame it was that it took her illness to bring us that close. We should have been that way all along.

I am blessed with incredible memories of my mother. I feel a very big void in my household and daily life. Sometimes I am still angry and feel like she was taken from us so early and unfairly. I still wish for what could have been and that vision I had of my mother getting healthy again. I admire her courage, faith and belief and know that today she is in a better place and not in pain which is a blessing.

My emotions run the full gamut lately. I know in my heart I can not change the reality that her journey has ended she is at peace and in heaven where she belongs. I take comfort in the fact that the pills, pain and all that went with the cancer and her complications are gone. She is finally free of that.

My anger stems from the selfish part of me that wanted to keep her here with us. Some days I just feel sad and shortchanged that things didn't turn out according to my plan but rather a bigger plan for her and her life in heaven. I would have gladly opted for the journey to end with the vision of her being healthy again. I am growing to realize that the plan for her life has been carried out. She had done her job here in this life - certainly did a job I could only hope to come close to as a mother, that her work was done here, she left us a great legacy and today she is free.

Mom you live on in my heart. I will never forget the lessons you taught me, the faith and belief you showed me and the pureness of heart that was you. I admired and loved you more than you will ever know. I have so many wonderful memories of you as does your entire family that we will hold close and you will never be forgotten.

I will strive to make my tribute to you, your life and all you gave to me one of being more like you. Those are big shoes to fill but I will strive towards being the kind of woman you were and as good a mother as you were. I found so much in my life because of your faith in me and motherhood. You blessed me beyond compare for being a part of my life during those years. I felt blessed for having you in my life and never considered your illness or health issues a burden. In my eyes it was rather a privilege to have shared those times with you and I will cherish your memory in my heart.

When I close my eyes at night I still say "Good Night" and "I Love You, Mom". I can visualize you when you were at your best - I can see your smile and the glimmer in your blue eyes that you always had. My vision of you as I go to sleep at night makes me realize that today you are healthy again and have been set free from the hardship of the journey we were on. Which is what I really wanted was for you more than anything else to be healthy again. In spite of the fact you are gone I can take some solace in that vision of you. Yes I wanted you to stay but I know it was time for you to go.

In time I will grow to accept fully and believe this was the plan for you. For now I feel the loss of my mother. I thank you for everything you gave to me and to all of us. I love the vision of you finally at peace, healthy, happy and free. I know that's where you are and that gives me great joy in spite of the sadness I feel for losing you.

A mother's love is an incredible gift. I was very, very blessed to have your's!

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call.
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found true peace at close of day.

If my parting has left a void,
then fill it with memories of joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these thing I too shall miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I've savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
But don't lengthen it with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free.