My Recovery From Alcoholism

I'd love to write about the 1960's and our experiences with dropping out, living on communes, the free love, and rock'n'roll!

"Tune In, Turn On and Drop Out" as Timothy Leary said over and over!!

But those weren't the good ol' days. I can't make a pretty picture of those times.

But they did make me who I am today.

They gave me a perspective I would not have had otherwise.

Those times produced a plethora of alcohol and drugs. I was apart of that from my teens and early twenties, was the Party Girl who in all honesty cannot remember to this day what exactly happened or when.

Even then I kept a careful journal. We lived on the commune we called Phunquey Pharme, and I kept a journal we all called the Phunque Annals.

A week ago, I met an old commune comrade whom I haven't seen since the end of that amazing experience. He also lived on the commune.

It was a sweet reunion, a meeting of sister and brother. He still has a healthy crop of red hair and the same laugh.

Laughing--and crying--is what we all did at Phunquey Pharme.

It took thirty years to finally see that alcohol is some sort of hypnotic addictive dream, and in order to live a full creative life, I had to fully seek Spiritual Recovery with enthusiasm and dedication.

I remember New Year's Eve 2000.

We had a party at my house with a keg of microbrewed beer, which has a higher alcohol content than commercial beer.

I drank 8 pints of that, and everyone there went home.

Then a new contingent of (drunken) friends arrived with many bottles of champagne.

I drank with them until the wee hours. When they left, I tried to wash the wine glasses, and they broke and cut my hands.

That red flag and many others started in rapid succession.

1) My best frind, a concert pianist, was in a near fatal crash two days after the party. She was also at the party but was one of those who left at midnight.

2) I wanted to stop drinking but could not.

3) I went to a Nurse Practitioner conference in 2/2002 and went out after the days events to have a few cocktails. One of my colleagues became tipsy and attracted 4 men to our table whom I immediately did not trust.

My friend flirted with these men, and suddenly it appeared as if she was going to take off and go with them.

I remember saying "Let's take a walk." which she decided she would do.

These men left the establishment without paying their bill, further validating my suspicions about them.

4) That night in my hotel room, I saw Captain Kirk, aka William Shatner, on Larry King. He told the story of losing his beloved wife to alcoholism.

She walked out into the ocean with a full glass of champagne in her hand and drowned.

As he sobbed and sobbed, so did I.

I said--Enough!!

Hello all--Kate here and a grateful recovering Alcoholic. Just wanted to share about what it has been like to be sober for 7 years.

I honestly feel as if I have a second chance at life and of living, today, which I refuse to ever take for granted. This means that I am fully engaged in the miracles that occur every moment.

This means I am tune with how I am feeling and what thoughts are going through my mind. I know that moment by moment, as I align my will with God's will, that this act of surrender will take care of me, today, and that with practice, I can live this crucial message of Alcoholics Anonymous, eg surrender and living in harmony with my Higher Power.

This is indeed a wonderful gift!!

Who knows why I was so attracted to drugs, then alcohol--but I was a willing participant and would have done it no matter what people, places or things were in my life at the time. I am an alcoholic, after all!!

I'll never forget when I first got sober, how all my friends, including my husband, told me that I wasn't an alcoholic. This is a common response coming from the very folks we hope will support us. But don't ever let that fool you.

Not even for a minute!!

People tell us these things so they can cling to their own safe denial system, what ever that may be.

When I first began to drink, I was in an alcoholic blackout for 4 straight years, after 8 of my dogs were shot by a neighbor who hated Hippies. He went on to become a wealthy right wing Republican Politician and was caught embezzling millions of dollars from the the Republicans. He has never done "time" for this, but this is none of my business.

In those days, we had hunting guns around the commune where I lived, and I am happy to report that I never picked up any of those guns to shoot the man.

Instead, I ran that tragedy through several 4th and 5th steps, with much safer consequences!!

After those years of blackout alcoholic drinking, I got a GED and went back to school, got nursing degrees, and thought I was keeping my drinking under control, the great alcoholic delusion.

But the truth of it was, I was a binge drinker and suffered from 4-6 drunks every year with maintenance drinking in between for 30 years.

I put the cork back in the bottle for 6-9 months at a time, but always returned to my drinking behaviors, each time a little closer to self-destructive consequences.

I never got a DUI and was never arrested for any other reason because of alcohol, but plenty of my alcoholic friends were.

One day I knew I had enough and found the answers as to how to stay sober, one day at a time.

Finally, I have reached a level of emotional sobriety that Bill W. discusses in his wonderful essay entitled "Emotional Sobriety," which says quite simply that dependence on people, places or things is not the way of an alcoholic who Truly is in recovery.

This is a very important ingredient of my sobriety today.

Kate L. S.
02/02/2002