Anger Management

     It's a typical Tuesday night as more than twenty-five men saunter into the New Vision Spiritual Growth Center in Scottsdale, Arizona, pin name tags on their shirts, and then take seats arranged in a circle.
     Welcome to the Real Love Men's Group, the largest of its kind in the U.S., where for the next two hours, many in the group will be seen, accepted and loved for exactly who they are, perhaps for the first time in their lives.
     One by one the men briefly update the group on what's new and how they're feeling. Later in smaller groups they share openly and honestly their thoughts about, and their conduct toward, their spouses, lovers, friends, coworkers and even strangers.
     One man repeatedly snaps at his wristwatch as he confesses how just minutes earlier he stormed out of the house to avoid an argument with his wife. Another acknowledges that for years he has used aggressive behavior at work to mask his fears of not being accepted. Another admits to lying to his boss to keep from being reprimanded so no one will see he has flaws. Another says he verbally attacked his wife the past weekend after she postponed a Saturday date night to be with her children from a previous marriage.
     Trained Real Love "wise men" listen to each man intently, seeing and accepting him where he is at, and unconditionally loving him. "I and every man in this group see you and love you right where you're at, right now," one wise man says.
     As in other Real Love groups, there is no judgment or problem fixing-only unconditional love.

What is Real Love?
     Before there were Real Love groups there were Real Love principles. The concept of Real Love is based on the works of Dr. Greg Baer. At its most basic, Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. The principle sounds simple, but Baer contends that the vast majority of people have never experienced unconditional love from anyone; not from parents, husbands, wives or friends.
     "Although the concept of unconditional love is easy to understand, most of us find it revolutionary to apply because we've never seen it," Baer says. "As I explain what unconditional love is, I'm astonished at the number of people who reveal with their facial expressions that they have never experienced this. In most people's lives all they have really done is exchange conditional love. When we were good little kids our parents smiled at us and patted us on the head. As soon as we screwed up they became irritated. That's an exchange of conditional love."
     According to Baer, there is only one kind of love: Real Love. Through no fault of our own, few of us have either received or given much Real Love, and without it we all have a terrible void in our lives. In the absence of real love, we live our lives giving and receiving "imitation love." Imitation love is conditional and it manifests in four forms: praise, power, pleasure and safety. No matter how much of these love substitutes we obtain, we remain feeling empty, alone and afraid. Baer says we all use, what he calls, "getting" and "protecting" behaviors to lessen or eliminate our fears of not being loved unconditionally. We use getting behaviors-lying, attacking, acting like a victim and clinging-to try to fill our emptiness with imitation love. We use protecting behaviors-lying, attacking, acting like a victim and running-to get the love we crave.

Warts and All
     The first step toward obtaining unconditional love is to tell the truth about ourselves, warts and all. The desire to be completely candid about who he was served as the impetus for Daniel Laraway, with James Peak and Brad Wentker, to cofound the New Vision men's group. Laraway was looking for a place where he could be transparent, where he could speak his truth, be seen and heard, and to offer the same opportunity for other men.
     "It's allowed me to move out of guilt, shame and anger with parents, siblings, spouses-with everybody," Laraway says. "As others become more accepting of me and verbalize their acceptance, then I am able to be accepting of myself and others."
     If a safe, loving atmosphere is created for us to honestly speak our truths and acknowledge our own getting and protecting behaviors, while knowing that no matter how many times we've made mistakes that we will be loved unconditionally, our lives begin to change."
     "The more I tell you about myself, the closer you and I become," Baer says. "The more you learn about me, the closer we feel. It doesn't matter what I say about myself as long as it's true, even if what I tell you is unflattering. All I have to do to create unconditional love is tell you the truth. If I go around saying flattering things about myself, I may be able to convince you to like me, but unfortunately what I have now is not unconditional. I've purchased your conditional approval. Now I have to work to earn approval again because it wears off. The more loved I feel by you, the more love I'll have to share with the next person I meet. It flows like an eternal river wherever you and I go. The more I share it, the more I have."
     "Through Real Love we teach each other how to be transparent and vulnerable," says Diane DeNee, a practitioner who facilitates Monday night's New Vision Real Love women's group. "When we tell the truth about ourselves and are vulnerable, we find that we are incredibly loveable."
     For both the New Vision men and women's groups, the unconditional love does not end when the meeting breaks up. Members are encouraged to make Real Love phone calls to wise men and women from both a local and national list of numbers. On the phone, callers can be seen and heard when on the verge of using a getting or protecting behavior. Real Love calls often defuse a situation because, with the help of the wise person, the behavior's impetus is identified and the emotions diffused.

Safe Sharing
     Men's, women's and co-ed Real Love groups are beginning to pop up around the country. Baer says that, especially for men, being in a same-gender group is best until one gets comfortable sharing his most inner feelings and the not-so-attractive side of one's self and one's behaviors.
     "Women tend to share the truth about themselves more readily than men do because men were taught at little boys that you don't share feelings," Baer says. "It takes men longer to open up. But once they are given an opportunity in a men's group, they become phenomenal. Around women, men tend to posture and try to become something else. Once a man becomes experienced with sharing his truths, then he doesn't care who's there. If there are women around, it's irrelevant. The same is true for women; early in the process, they just fare better in same-sex groups."

Growing Through Love
     Before a benediction, members of the New Vision men's group stand, gather in a circle, and place their arms around each other. Afterward, the men stay to chat and mingle. Those who were troubled at the start of evening leave feeling better, knowing they have told the truth about themselves, were not fixed, were seen and accepted and loved by the entire group. The wristwatch snapper spoke his truth; he often uses running behavior to avoid conflict. Another admits to attacking behavior directed at his boss. The man who verbally attacked his wife for postponing their Saturday night date tells his truth and becomes transparent, and confesses to attacking behavior and acting like a victim. "Over the last two years it's been exciting to see the tremendous growth," Laraway says. "Men's lives have changed. Families that were on the road to divorce have turned around."
     Baer adds: "A sense of community is critical. Real Love isn't something that you can create by yourself in your office cubicle. I need your love to grow. And, I need the practice of loving you, to grow. We need each other."
     Next week, the men will return again to New Vision to tell their truth, be seen, accepted and loved right where they are.