Australian Animals, Poisonous, Odd or Sheep

Australian animals normally come into 3 different categories. Poisonous, Odd and Sheep.

Sheep
Sheep are not as safe as you might imagine. Since "Dolly" the cloned sheep, fundamentalist christians have united against science, proving sheep kill more people than all other animals combined. Scary isn't it, sheep cause christianity, well known as the most aggressive religion on the planet.

The Poisonous
Spiders
It is a well known fact that of the 10 most poisonous spiders in the world, Australia has 9 of them. It is more accurate however to say of the 9 most deadly spiders, Australia has 9 of them. Below are details on 3 of the most dangerous.

The Red Back Spider
The Red Back spider is well known as the only animal to inhabit both toilet seats, sheds and boots. Proving that nature hates men more than women - Only men wear boots and use sheds, women prefer high heels and health spa's.

The Funnelweb Spider
Don't let the funny name fool you, these aggressive little bastards are the most deadly spiders in the world with a single drop of venom being enough to kill 43 people. These buggers live on the east coast of Australia avoiding only Canberra, proving that the only thing more deadly than a spider is a politician.

The White Tail Spider
This common little spider is actually relatively harmless compared with other Australian animals. The effects of a bite don't even include death. Huge, untreatable disfigurements, lesions and ulcers are the only, insignificant side effects from this family friendly house spider. All Australian houses include at least 14 of these things.

Snakes
Australia has a much lower proportion of snakes to the rest of the world, probably because our spiders have committed horrible cruel genocide on our poor little snakes.

Red-Bellied Black Snake
Wikipedia classifies this snake as "less venomous than other deadly Australian snakes" personally, I think that puts it at about the same level as syphilis, no, think about it. Less venomous than other Australian snakes, that's like saying "I have syphilis, the *best* STD".

Inland Taipan
And it's cousing the Eastern Brown Snake, these lovely animals are the two most venomous snakes in the world, no pathetic Cobra's or Rattlesnakes for us thank you very much. When we get bitten we like to die in a frothing mess. The Inland Taipan has the ability to slightly alter it's colour, if being the most deadly snake in the world isn't enough, it has camouflage, you won't even see it before it bites you. Luckily the Inland Taipan has a habitat which is mostly away from Australian cities. This is not a coincidence, Australian's are drunk often, but when sober know to build homes away from these snakes, we aren't so lucky about the one below though.

Alexander Downer
Often seen attempting to appear human, this exceedingly slimy snake has a habit of being seen next to midgets. Unfortunate side effects of a bite from the "Alexander Downer" include snivelling, whining and complaining and developing a strange scent which causes normal social society to turn up their nose at your passing.

The Odd
Aaaaah, the odd animals. Surprisingly, Australia's Odd animals are more dangerous than our poisonous animals. You can really see 40,000 years of evolution separate from the rest of the world when you see these creatures.

Wombat
Don't let this little creatures odd name make you go 'oooooh' this is not a cute animal. Take a rock, add fur, that's a wombat. These things are pure, dense muscle. How are they dangerous though? Think what happens when they cross a road, if one gets hit by a car it is precisely the same thing as if the car hits a rock. The car flips, rolls and catches on fire, the rock grunts, shakes off the dust and walks away. A wombat is not an animal to be taken lightly.

Platypus
Most people don't believe us when we say the name of this animal. Less people believe us when we describe it. Take an otter, a duck, some poisonous claws and a beaver, blend together and bake the resulting mess at 180 degrees for 45 minutes. What comes out is vaguely related to a platypus. These things really are poisonous but are so strange, they deserve to be in the odd! I don't understand why this creature evolved but the spiders haven't made them extinct yet, so they've got something going for them.

Drop Bear
A larger relative of the Koala Bear, which is an admittedly cute and cuddly animal once you get past the claws. The Drop Bear is not. It is an unfriendly, unpleasant beast which survives by dropping out of eucalyptus trees onto its prey. This is a true bear, carnivorous and aggressive. Similar in appearance to a polar bear, but more suited to Australia's warmer climate.

Bundy Rum Bear
While in truth a mascot rather than an animal, this bear has a nasty reputation as a lady killer. All Australian men want to be like the Bundy Rum Bear and all Australian women want to be with the Bundy Rum Bear. He's the Australian James Bond in that sense.

Toads
Cane Toad
Truthfully a South American creature the Cane Toad has been accepted as an Australian icon, only Australian's could have developed a national sport from animal cruelty. The cane toad secretes a poison from its skin, in keeping with Australian tradition of animals being more deadly than they have any legitimate right to be.

Brendan Nelson
A truly incredulous toad this one. Unpopular, unpleasant and somehow thinking that despite implementing VSU and committing Australia to a war we didn't want, he would ever have more than single digit approval numbers. This toad secretes a foul stench from it's skin and cannot hear the sound of Malcolm Turnbull creeping up behind him with a knife in hand. Avoid at all costs, a single touch from the Brendan Nelson is enough to inflict one with the most agonizing of social rejections.