Cat Humor
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Cat Humor, Jokes, Funny Stories & Silly Riddles
You can see some beautiful cat paintings in this lens. These are some of the cats painting I will really like to have them.
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What Exactly is a Cat?
Cats do what they want, when they want.They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.
Cats are small women in fur coats.
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Cat Protected By Cat Sign and caution Gift
Cat Protected By Cat Sign and caution Gift
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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Wash One, Get One Free
Now, dun take this seriously. It is just a joke to laugh and enjoy.
1. Put both lids up, and add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet bowl water.2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this).
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse").
5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door).
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!
Sincerely, The Dog
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Anti Copycats 3.5" Button
for the cat lovers
Anti Copycats 3.5" Button
We hate copycats as much as you do. Wear our anti copycats design to show how much you dislike copycats. Great gift idea and comes with 30 day guarantee!
$14.99
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Need to say it big and bold? Pin on our oversized button and your message can't be missed. Support a candidate, play up your passion or make someone smile. Collect 'em, trade 'em. Buttons are a fun way to wear and share what's on your mind.
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Uncontrollable Affection is such a Dog Thing
Indoor Outdoor Doormat
Uncontrollable Affection is such a Dog Thing..... Indoor Outdoor Doormat
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
4 Cats Riddles
for the cat lovers
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There are 10 cats in a basket, 1 cat jumps out. How many are left?
None! They are all copycats!!!
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How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
They never cry over spill milk!
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A sourpuss!
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How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
They both wear stripes!
La Dolce Vita
Cat On Board Cat Sign Gift
Cat On Board Cat Sign Gift
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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Ten Things A Cat Thinks About
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey! No kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
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Cat in Different Languanges
Afrikaans - KatArabic - Kitte
Armenian - Gatz
Bahasa Malay (Indonesian & Malaysia) - Koo Ching
Basque - Catua
Cantonese - Maow
Chinese - Mao
Danish - Kat
Dutch - Kat
English - Cat
Egyptian - Mait
Estonian - Kass
Filipino - Pusa
Finnish - Kissa
French - Chat
German - Katze
Greek - kata
Hindi - Billie
Icelandic - Kottur
Italian - Gatto
Japanese - Neko
Korean - Koh Yang Ee
Latin - Felis or Cattus
Norwegian - Katt
Polish - Kot
Portuguese - Gato
Rumanian - Pisica
Russian - Kot
Spanish - Gato
Swahili - Paka
Swedish - Katt
Tamil - Poo Nai
Thai - Maa Oh
Turkish - Kedi
Vietnamese - Con Meo
Welsh - Kath
Yiddish - Gattus & Chatul
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Heavenly Humor for the Cat Lover's Soul
75 Fur-Filled Inspirational Readings
Heavenly Humor for the Cat Lover's Soul: 75 Fur-Filled Inspirational Readings
Amazon Price: $4.23 (as of 02/15/2012)
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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5 More Cat Riddles
for a cat lover.
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What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty!
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What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots!
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What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?
An acrocat!
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What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A catastrophe!
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What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A Peking Tom!
Now What Giclee Print
Careers for Your Cat
Careers for Your Cat
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Release Date: 08/03/2010
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A Cat's Dictionary
1. Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.2. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
3. Purranoi: The fear that your cat is up to something.
4. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
5. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
6. Purrson: A male kitty.
7. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
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Dear Sparkle
Cat-to-Cat Advice from the world's foremost feline columnist
Dear Sparkle: Cat-to-Cat Advice from the world's foremost feline columnist
Amazon Price: $2.00 (as of 02/15/2012)
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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Mother vs Cat
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They switched on a nightlight, turned on their phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet's cage, and put the cat in the backyard.They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard dashes back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know that their house will be empty for the night, so she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says as they drive away. "Stupid b***h was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabby hit a parked car.
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Cat Food Is Served Art Print
The Devious Book for Cats
A Parody
The Devious Book for Cats: A Parody
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5 More Cat Riddles
for a cat lover.
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What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
'Let us prey.'
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
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What does a cat call a bowl of mice?
A purrfect meal!
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How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters?
C-A-T!
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What cat purrs more than any other?
Purrsians!
Doris Dingle's Crafty Cat Activity Book
Games, Toys and Hobbies to Keep Your Cat's Mind Active
Doris Dingle's Crafty Cat Activity Book: Games, Toys and Hobbies to Keep Your Cat's Mind Active
Amazon Price: $12.95 (as of 02/15/2012)
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and
a massage?"
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Dog Love Bones, Cat Love Fishes
Wish You Weren't Here!
The Black Cat Anthology of Travel Humor
Wish You Weren't Here!: The Black Cat Anthology of Travel Humor
Amazon Price: $3.99 (as of 02/14/2012)
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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5 More Cat Riddles
for a cat lover.
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Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house?
Because she heard fowl language!
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Who was the most powerful cat in China?
Chairman Miaow!
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What is a cat's favorite pudding?
Chocolate mousse!
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How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
Pleased to eat you.
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Why was the cat so small?
Because it only ate condensed milk!
Dun mess with cats
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that lousy cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
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2011 Gary Patterson's Cats Wall Calendar
2011 Gary Patterson's Cats Wall Calendar
Amazon Price: $8.98 (as of 02/15/2012)
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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Cat-titude Giclee Print
5 More Cat Riddles
for a cat lover.
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What do cats call their grandfather?
Grandpaw!
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What do you get when you cross a cat, a dog,and an A+?
Paws-itively purrr-fect!
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What's a cat's favorite color?
Purrrrrrple!
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What kind of car do cats drive?
Cat-illacs!
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What is a cat's favorite song?
Three blind mice!
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Cat Lover's Companion
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Cat Lover's Companion (Uncle John's Bathroom Readers)
Amazon Price: $7.43 (as of 02/15/2012)
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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To God
from the dog
Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty, they are not food.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a face towel' neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question . . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
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5 More Cat Riddles
for a cat lover.
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What does a cat read?
CAT-alogs!
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What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice-crispies!
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What is a cat favorite fish?
Catfish
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What do cats like on their hot dogs?
Mouse-tard!
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What do cats like to eat?
Mice cream!
Pete The Cat
Pete The Cat
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Release Date: 12/31/1969
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Pregnancy
A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat."I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy.
"But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible."
At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.
"How about him?" asked the vet.
"Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."
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Tug of War Art Print
Worst-Case Scenario Pocket Guide
Cats
Worst-Case Scenario Pocket Guide: Cats
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Cat In Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives... from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL... I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending over are delicious."
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Our Cat Lenses
BOW WOWS & MEOWS
Purr-fectly funny CAT cartoons - Vol. 1
BOW WOWS & MEOWS - Purr-fectly funny CAT cartoons - Vol. 1
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Last 5 Cat Riddles
for a cat lover.
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How do you know when it's raining cats and dogs?
When you step in a poodle!
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On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A caterpillar!
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What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
A catameringue!
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What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
Miaooooooooooooooooooow!
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What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
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Meditations for Cats Who Do Too Much
Meditations for Cats Who Do Too Much
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Thanks for visiting
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Psycho_Free_Zone
Feb 4, 2012 @ 9:12 pm | delete
- Excellent lens - thanks for the laughs : )
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PTurner56
Dec 21, 2011 @ 8:03 pm | delete
- Love all things cats! Great lens!
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D2Tees
Jun 25, 2011 @ 12:36 pm | delete
- Nice lens. I like all the riddles
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Reply
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Nibbled
Apr 12, 2011 @ 6:12 pm | delete
- I love how you hid the answers to the riddles. Great job! Love a lens that spreads smiles.
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LabKitty
Dec 10, 2010 @ 12:30 pm | delete
- LabKitty says Browlf!
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About the author
by draik
Hi, I am Draik. I am a mom to a young boy, a cat lover and collector, a degree graduate, a wife, a daughter, an online shopkeeper & a lensmaster at Squidoo.... more »
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