Rules To Live By For Parents Dealing With Child Support Difficulties

I hope that I can share something parents out there may find useful in dealing with the issues of child support and each other. I in no way consider myself an expert on the subject. This is one mother's thoughts.

Children are a precious gift. My son is to me as I had him rather late at 35 having a past with issues that made me once think I would never have a child of my own. He is the light of my world. Nothing is more precious to me than him. I left the relationship before he was born. I felt then and still feel today it was the right decision for me and my son.

In retrospect, I'd go through it all again knowing the end result would be the wonderful being I proudly call son. I wouldn't change a thing! I have no regrets and it's ironic that something that brought me a lot of pain gave me so much joy as the end result was my son. I grew as a person in so many ways from the relationship and motherhood is fantastic!

Most parents feel the children were worth it no matter how the relationship was.

In my situation , we don't deal with each other often and there is no visitation. For the most part my son's father has been a child support paying parent. When he pays I have no issues with him.

Today, my son's father lives 4 hours away, is remarried and has gone on with his life as I have mine.

A few months ago, child support payments ceased. I took action and made the right contacts to try to get payments back on track.

My son's father visited the child support office and signed a written agreement. It was not what I felt was in my child's best interest which prompted a visit to my local child support office.

During the visit the whole case was reviewed. It was determined the agreement wasn't going to catch up the payments but I'm bound by it which I'll have to live with.

We found discrepancies in the figures which resulted in a $3,000 difference in our account. A tax return was never credited to him on our case. In fairness and honesty I went about getting that corrected. It was the right thing to do.

After my visit and realizing the payment agreement wasn't going to help, I made the decision to contact my son's father. Based on the dynamic of our relationship I wonder what I was thinking but did with the hope we could find some common ground, get the payments resumed and do what was best for our son.

I dialed the phone as uncomfortable about calling as he would be answering it. I began by telling him about my visit to the child support office. I explained the error in the payment history and told him the account now reflects $3,000 less in back support. I thought that would be a relief to him.

I was making an effort to show I wasn't out to get him. I explained I did this because it was fair. Now it was time to get things back on track with child support and do what was fair to our son.

For a moment I thought I was actually getting through. But then the conversation turned.

Child Support is a legal obligation. It works both ways as there are mothers who pay child support when custody is with the father.

Not to make this gender biased I'm going to use custodial parent and non-custodial parent. There are many parents who are responsible and make those payments and I salute them! There are also those out there who struggle with this.

When problems arise over child support issues it's important to stick to these rules when dealing with one another:

THE CHILD IS MOST IMPORTANT

The care of your child is at stake regardless of your feelings towards each other. The child should be front and center. It's hard in these cases to be friends but being civilized and fair should go far in working out the issues. Fighting or exchanging words does nothing to improve the situation.

CHILD SUPPORT IS A RESPONSIBLITY

The non-custodial parent should realize the responsibility of providing for their child financially. To do so demonstrates care and concern for your child, their upbringing and how their lives turn out.

I remember my years in teaching where I saw so many children living with a custodial parent at poverty level because the non-custodial parent never got this message and it was sad.

The custodial parent relies on the payments as established by the court to provide for your child. The custodial parent did not establish these amounts. The courts did based on finances of both parents.

The custodial parent expecting child support is not "out to get you" as so many non-custodial parents seem to believe. They do not make the rules or the system. They are caught in it too.

Custodial parents want to depend on those payments to see to the child's care. It's a court ordered obligation and you should view it as such. If you are unhappy with it and feel there is legitimate ground for change, don't take it out on the custodial parent. Take it back to court.

THE CHILD IS THE COMMON GROUND

The relationship you once had is not! It is pointless to bring it up, relive it or hash out differences related to the relationship. The common ground now must be the welfare of the child you share.

When one or both of you make this about issues other than the child it will frustrate the other parent. Which again will put the two of you at odds instead of on common ground.

HISTORY IS PAST

If you harbor any emotions about the relationship or how it ended, don't share it. Keep the past in the past. The day the relatonship ended it was over. Talking about it doesn't improve the situation or serve the best interests of your child.

THERE IS A REASON THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED

The relationship or how it ended is inappropriate conversation. Every relationship ends for a reason. Supporting your child now becomes a financial issue. Emotions should be kept out of this area.

YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP IS NOT OF INTEREST TO THE OTHER PARTY

If you moved on in a healthy manner, your new relationship is not of interest to the other party. If you are bringing this up, look inside yourself and determine why you feel this is pertinent with respect to the care and welfare of your child. It's important you realize it's not.

YOUR PRESENT FINANCES ARE NOT OF INTEREST TO THE OTHER PARTY

When your relationship ended, so did participating in each other's finances. You must realize the financial decisions you've made since the relationship ended are not the other party's concern. The custodial parent's interest is in receiving the support to feed, clothe and raise the child. Your financial worries, concerns or problems are not theirs, but your's.

CARING ABOUT YOUR CHILD GOES A LONG WAY

When you show care for the welfare of your child it goes a long way to establishing common ground. So many get bogged down and it's about them and not the child. When the custodial parent realizes you care more about your life and issues than the child it will always create a problem. It will widen the gap instead of closing it.

THE CHILD IS NOT A WEAPON

Pretty self-explanatory! Your child doesn't need to be involved in matters of support. It's an adult issue and involving the child only scars them. It makes children feel they are at the root of the problem between the parents which leads to negative self-esteem. If the other parent isn't paying and you share that, the child could view it as being unloved or uncared for by the other parent. You don't want that! I've seen that in my years of dealing with children and it's something I would never do to my son. The only thing he does know about his father is that he pays child support. To share the recent events would only hurt him and that's the last thing I would ever want to do. All parents should practice this. If you haven't in the past, make a new start today!

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The end of a relationship is never easy when there is a child involved. Remember the children have feelings too. Keeping things civilized and business like will more likely yield better results than going on an emotional tirade. Blame has no place in dealing with the other parent. There are two sides to every story. The other party could probably counteract every statement in that case but what higher purpose does that serve?

Put your children and their welfare at the forefront of your dealings with their other parent in these difficult child support issues. It will make a difference in your life and their's!