Cooperative Parenting

The COOPERATIVE PARENTING law will give you the opportunity to make your own custody choices, or if the two parents cannot agree, either parent can suggest such a plan to the court. If the two parents, with the aid of attorneys, counselors, or mediators make a custody plan which follows the guidelines after conferring with their attorneys, counselors, or mediators, the Court will have the authority to make a COOPERATIVE PARENTING decision for them.

The basic rule in child custody is that the plan must be in the Best Interest of the Child, including consideration of the child's individual abilities and needs, although the parents are divorced, the declared public policy of the state is to assure children frequent and continuing contact with both parents and to encourage parents to share the rights, privileges, duties and rights of child rearing. This, in a nutshell, is the goal of the COOPERATIVE PARENTING law.

You may have read, or heard about, "Cooperative Custody" and are wondering whether it will work for your children. Equal sharing of time may be a good arrangement for your children, depending upon their needs and capacities. Another COOPERATIVE PARENTING plan may allow for the children to spend more time with one parent, although both parents continue to share the major decision making responsibility regarding the children. The court could decide to award Sole Custody to one parent. In making this determination among the factors to be considered will be the award to the parent who is more likely to allow frequent and continuing access to the children by the other parent.

Whether your custody plan is COOPERATIVE PARENTING or SOLE CUSTODY, both parents are entitled to frequent periods of visitation. Both parents are also entitled to equal access to children's medical, dental, school, and other records. Remember that it is in the child's best interest that each parent has frequent and continuing contact with the child. This is what is meant by the term "COOPERATIVE PARENTING". It describes how parents may best help their children regardless of the specific plan of sharing responsibilities, duties, and powers.

Top Of Page

The process of separation, from the painful moment parents decide to end their marriage  or cohabitation, to the actual physical separation of family members and afterward is emotionally and financially stressful on everyone in the family; mother, father, and children.

Parents are often angry, hostile toward each other, and unhappy during the divorce, and each may think that his or her suffering is deeper and more long lasting than that of the other.

Each parent may be experiencing a sudden wrenching apart and loss of a lifestyle that has been built over a period of years and that had served as an anchor to his, or her life. Both parents are likely to feel abandoned and frightened about the future. The physical separation may leave both unsure of themselves and concerned over what the divorce may mean for their children.

Parents often face a new position as single parents in their community, and the necessity of trying to build a new life, frequently with no one to turn to for support. Women who have not maintained a job outside the home, in addition to that of being a homemaker and parent, are faced with the task of building a new career, a new identity, and providing for their own support.

When the mother has the entire task of raising children, she may feel that this responsibility is an awesome burden. Sometimes, having to cope with all these tasks at the same time becomes so overwhelming that some parents stay angry and depressed. Many may even find it very difficult to begin the task of rebuilding their lives.

The trauma fathers often experience can be equally painful. Earnings which may have been enough for one household, especially a one income family, may not be enough for two homes. Fathers may find this increased financial burden very difficult. In addition, most parents look to their family for the closeness, warmth, and nurturing in their lives.

It is difficult and depressing for parents who leave the household after a divorce to be suddenly alone in a strange place after having been surrounded for years by the warmth of the home, and the children. For parents whose former spouse moves out of the house, and who may be unaccustomed to household and day-to-day parenting duties, adjusting to this unfamiliar lifestyle can be overwhelming, and bewildering.

On the other hand, parents - father, or mothers - and especially those who have been involved in day-to-day care and nurturing of their children find that separation from their children can be particularly painful for both parents and their children.

Since each parent feels lonely, depressed and abandoned, they cling to the children and have trouble sharing them with each other. Each parent feels that contact with the children is a protection against the terrible loneliness and isolation while they are adjusting to their new lives. This is normal and understandable.

The problem is that it is not the best thing for the children since it creates in them the feeling that they are desperately needed by each parent and the children feel a conflict because of loyalty to both parents.

Although it may be very difficult at a time when both parents are feeling hurt and angry, both parents need to try to stop blaming each other for what went wrong with the marriage, mourn its loss, and begin to work cooperatively toward a new and more successful relationship as parents of their children. Family counseling can be a help to divorcing parents in terms of understanding and coping with the stress which all members of the family feel at the time of the divorce.

Some parents are afraid of "losing the child". COOPERATIVE PARENTING will encourage mutual support and continuing contact with the children and will not be seen as "losing the child". In fact, COOPERATIVE PARENTING will even make the job of parenting less stressful because its shared.

Top Of Page

Following the breakup of their parents, children can be severely threatened with fears about what the future holds for them. Even if a child does not say it out load, the question a youngster experiencing divorce wants to ask is, "Who will take care of me?" Children want to know if they will still be able to see both parents.

In addition, children normally attached to both parents are sad, disillusioned and experience great loss through separation from one of the two most important adults in their lives. Because of this, children may act younger or differently than they did before the parents decided to end their marriage. This change in behavior may show in various ways. Young children may suddenly start clinging to one, or both parents. Older children may show the effects of the family breakup and the loss of one parent by having difficulty with schoolwork or with relationships with family and friends.

One way to minimize the stress and avoid long term problems for children of divorcing families is for the youngsters to maintain continued and conflict free contact with both parents. This will reassure the child of the continuing love of parents and make it clear that he or she has not been abandoned by either parents.

However, as parents struggle to work out new COOPERATIVE PARENTING arrangements, mothers and fathers may notice that their children show unusual behavior before or after spending the time with one or the other of them. Each child will react differently. For example, a child may seem upset, have trouble sleeping or eating for a brief time, or seem withdrawn after being with one parent and then shifting to the other.

This stress and unhappiness shown by the child does not necessarily mean one or both parents are not doing a good job of taking care of their children. It means that this is a particularly important time when children need the comfort and support of both parents working together to ease the strain on everybody while all members of the family go through the process of reorganizing their lives. It takes patience, open communication, and time for children, as well as adults to adjust to such significant changes.

Parents can greatly help their children by trying to understand each child's individual needs and abilities at a particular age. Children need to be as free as possible from the bitterness and resentments that may continue to exist between fathers and mothers who are divorcing.

The best way to do this is for parents to keep from making negative remarks about the other parent in front of the children, or blaming the other for the divorce. Working together COOPERATIVELY as PARENTS will lessen the danger of long-term harm to your children from your divorce, and will speed up the process for both parents and their children to feel good about themselves again.

Top Of Page

Finding new ways to resolve disagreements involving child custody issues takes time. It takes a commitment from both mother and father and may require help from others who understand the difficulties in learning to cooperate as divorce parents. Agencies such as family counseling agencies, divorce family clinics, family law attorneys, mediators, or parenting workshops are available to help parents develop a COOPERATIVE PARENTING arrangement.

Suggested steps for developing a COOPERATIVE PARENTING plan are:

1. Think of your role as parents, not as spouses or former spouses, and try to separate feelings of anger and hurt to keep them from interfering with your decisions as parents. Seek help if you cannot.

2. Sit down and identify the needs of your children, which are different from your needs.

3. Review what you have done together as parents that worked and develop a plan that combines these elements.

4. Think of sharing the responsibilities for your children's care in units of time revolving around the natural transitions of work, school and vacations where possible. Share other responsibilities, such as dental, medical appointments, etc.

5. Develop a plan that provides for continuous, ongoing contact with both parents. Put this plan in writing.

6. Establish a pattern that works and follow it, but be flexible if situations change without insisting on a 50/50 division.

7. Communicate regarding important events in your child's life or in your own life that may effect your children.

8. Develop a way to talk over problems between you and the other parent without involving the children. Be sure to share the "high points" and successes that the other parent may not have seen.

9. Anticipate change and plan for it. Your child's growth will require you to do so. Work to adapt your plan to your child's needs.

10. Problems are bound to arise. When things go "wrong", focus on "what is wrong", not on "who is wrong".

11. Bury the past and deal primarily with today and tomorrow. Try to consider everyone's needs, but base your decisions on what is the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN

    Top Of Page