COURT OF THE QUIPPING QUEEN

Adrian Air-of-Sleet is Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer to H.R.H. Quipping Queen.

Born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he earned this patently preposterous position by demonstrating at an early age his ability to read with east the linguine-tasting letters served in his Alphabet Soup.

After spending many years on a naughty stool for writing poison pen letters to his teachers, he realized that perhaps he should consider a career change if he wished to enjoy a comfortable seat in the Court of the Quipping Queen.

Having successfully completed his studies at the Whizbang School for Warthogs & Wimps where he took a keen interest in learning the fine art of writing billet-douxs not to mention the fiercely competitive parlour games like "Blindman's Bluff", "Pass the Slipper", and "Musical Chairs".

His ability to type 50 words per minute, to keep his foot out of his mouth, and to consume vast quantities of Irish whisky while impressing the Monarch of Mirth with a wonderful array of weird words she didn't know existed, secured him a scintillating place in the spotlight, a tantalizing title as the "Duke of Dazzling Drivel", and a ripsnorting red whoopee cushion in Her Majesty's Menagerie.
___________

Image Credit: finsbry@flickr.com

Aphrodite Beamish, a gorgeous glamour puss and author of "The Glorious Glossary of SNIT", (an itty-bitty bedtime book for harrumphing hissy-fitters and "Sunny Disposition Deprived Souls"), is also President of the Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight.

No diva of domestic drudgery, she smokes like a chimney, quaffs cocktails like a fish, pays her utility bills and taxes late, and hides behind handkerchiefs at funerals to conceal her lack of tears.

She does however have several redeeming features. Aphrodite enjoys a healthy appetite, belly-dancing, and playing silly games like Tiddlywinks, Hunt the Wocket, and Frolicking in the Hollyfuds.

__________

Image Credit: Illustration by e M a@flickr.com

No middle-of-the-road milquetoast maven, the Duchess of Ditherington is known to friends and foes alike as the delightful "Dame Do-It-Yourself!"

She is at her best when rubbing shoulders with barons of booze, princes of pickle, and lords of libation during intermission at the opera. She is also quite capable of raining cats and dogs on the parades of people she doesn't like. And, if truth be told, when push comes to shove, she is also inclined to stomp squarely on the toes of twits who deserve it including, but not limited to, delusional-drama-seeking-demure-impaired-damsels-in-distress like Duchess Demonomania and deadly-boring dinner companions like Sir Lavender Portwine.

Besides banging her own drum and tooting her own horn to draw attention to herself, this giddy goddess of gripes and groans and her precocious peers from the "Wicked Wenches of Whine & What Have You Got To Say For Yourself" often volunteer their tempermental talents to such questionable causes as the "Garden of Gratitude For Gumbooted Galoots" (a potpourri of plastic plant potentates), and the "Fee-Faw-Foe-Fumming Females of the Freaking Fairy Forest" (an enigmatic environmental group of vertically-challenged vegans and vixens) annual flash-in-the-pan fundraiser.

__________

Image Credit: Ian D. Marsden, illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

The Duke of Doorknobs (aka Fernando Fig-Leaf from Frisby On The Wreake) is a dapper sort of dandy with loose lips and precious little between the ears, (which qualifies him as an excellent dinner companion, a croquet partner, or, in a pinch, a whacking fine Wal-Mart greeter).

Besides being a timid teetotaler, a modest member of the "Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential", and holder of the touching title, "Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cesspool", his biggest claim to fame is befriending piffling poets like Baruch de Loppis (who couldn't give a sweet tweet about iambic pentameter), Agamemnon Melancthon Peters (a graduate of the Spasmodic School of Similes & Sonnets), and Polydore Smith (who possesses a passion for getting lost in a maze of quibbles and a fog of windbag words whilst trying to find his Muse).

When not engaged in trivial pursuits such as tiddlywinks, toe-wrestling, and tin-whistle-blowing, he can be found in the company of the Holy Gregarians, the Resolute Optimists, and occasionally, the Flashing Astonishers.

__________

Image Credit: finsbry@flickr.com

Hugo Hotagen, also known as "Alpha Dog" is a curious canine and loyal lapdog.

His back-biting and barking behavior make him a wonderful wagging addition to the Court of the Quipping Queen.

True to form Hugo has his day everyday. And why should he...doesn't every healthy hound deserve a holiday from human hogs (otherwise known as pignoramus intolerabilis)?

More often than not, he can be found "putting on the dog" and providing guided tours of Fido-approved fire-hydrants conveniently located beside off-leash pooch parks on the palace grounds.

Hugo is also a member in good standing of the "Band of Big Brutes", the "Genteel Association of Expurgated Hoodlums", and the "Society for the Prevention of Poo in the Parks".

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees & Lord Earl Craboon are a titillating twosome who have survived treks to far off places like Lower Piddle on the Marsh, Nether Wallop, Wormelow Tump, and Yonder Bognie and returned to tell tales about the strange inhabitants found there including munchkins who can manipulate taps using only their feet, snakes in the grass that can't be bothered to bite you, and fishy folk that flatulate for the fun of it underwater.

In their spare time, (in-between engaging in ineffectual arguments on Mondays, tossing their troubles in a pity-pot on Tuesdays, watching mud-wrestling on Wednesday evenings, playing tiddlywinks on Thursdays, not to mention toe-tapping and tippling on Friday nights, sucking back wind on Saturday afternoon, and looking for loopholes in the Bible on Sundays), they can be found compiling a comprehensive list of odd occasions and egads events to celebrate every month including: "Ugly Duckling Day", "Purple People Eater Sing-A-Long", and "Artificial Plant Recognition Day".

__________

Image Credit: Ian Marsden illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. is a rather fine fellow, (a graduate of the University of the Bleeding Obvious, and currently Professor of Print & Piffle at the esteemed University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Little Snoring, and Dean of Do-Nothing at the International Institute of Irregular Verbs and Dangling Modifiers in Yonder Bognie, not to mention a short stint as Vice Regent and Guardian of the Great Horn and Wooden Spoon.

An avid collector of sediment in the tea cup of life, he is also known to have dabbled in non-linear thinking and demonstrated a keen interest in playing off-key musical scores and scaring his house pets half to death whilst doing a ripsnortning rendition of the "Full Monty".

__________

Image Credit: Ian Marsden illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

Patience Pantperhog is a colorful character in the Court of the Quipping Queen. A typical Taurus type, on a good day she's a tad self-indulgent and stubborn, and on a bad day she's boring, placid, and known to engage in lengthy pondering and procrastination when deprived of cookies and warm milk at her bedside.

Her one saving grace is that she's married to a modest man of music and a ring-my-chimes sort of fellow, (Sir Harold Twitterby), who pours good stiff drinks, plays piano better than Liberace, and who puts up with her cockaludicrous comments, passionate pouting, and mirthful musings about "The Middle-age Movement' when the Spirit of Spunk & Sass moves her.

A buxum baby-boomer babe, boon companion and wayfaring wench, she's dedicated to protecting the habitat of earwigs and earthworms, consuming far too much hops and scotch for her own good, and contributing to anything that requires quick-thinking ability, fancy footwork, self-sacrifice, and scathing criticism of simpering sycophants, sneaky snivellers, and servile little Sir Echoes.
__________

Image Credit: Anne Johns illustration@flickr.com

Samantha Tooting-Beck, (known by her intimates as "The Nose Fairy") is a pleasingly plump princess with "Pretty Polly" personality with an abiding interest pillow-talk and weird words that have been banished from everyday conversation). Thankfully, she is silent if not invisible most of the time.

Not your luscious lip-gloss lady with a warm smile and sparkly white veneers which cost a pretty pennty, Samantha was born on a lump of rock whirling about in space, more specifically an incompletely successful planet named Persephone, (lnicknamed Rupert after some astronomer's dead parrot...way out beyond the orbit of Pluto).

Her greatest mission in life is to become a trendy talk-show host, not a TV bimbo which most producers feel she is better suited. In the meantime, she's settled down and accepted a part-time position as a herring sandwich maker in thrilling thank-tank known as MISPWOSO (The Maximegalon Institute of Slowly and Painfully Working Out The Suprisingly Obvious) and recently accepted the hand of holy matriomony belonging to The Right Honorable James Offleyhoo, QC.

__________

Image Credit: Ian D. Marsden, illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.

Literary Credit: MISPWOSO courtesy of Douglas Adams in "Mostly Harmless", his fifth book in the increasingly inaccurately named 'Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' trology

Sir Harold Twitterby is a blue-blooded busybody with a penchant prattle plus polishing off platefuls of "Twinkies" and "Turtles" while putting the finishing touches on his finest compositions ...melodious minute-long minuettes and rivetting ringtone rhapsodies.

When he is not entertaining his bitter half, Patience Pantperhog, he can be found touching up the shoo-shoo sign on his study door, "NO ADMITTANCE. NOT EVEN TO AUTHORIZED PERSONEL. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME HERE. GO AWAY!"

On his death, he has decided that the world should remember him as modest musician. For that reason, he has written a 12-hour requiem in his honor, and willed his entire personal fortune to the "Ancient Order of the Modern Troglodytes & Triangle-Players".

Theolonius McTavish, a jocular journalist and tartan trouser type whose yen for tippling and tidbits give him a tummy-ache, a runny nose, and short-term memory loss, (which is why he now resides in Canada where he is trying to figure out why anyone would actually want to live in a place frequented by far too many bonking beavers, big bugs, and bushwhacked bears).

Theo, as he is known to his friends, is President of the Kings of Drink, and founding member of the little known group, the League of Holy Humbug, and the equally obscure, Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians.

He is currently devoting his spare time to setting the world record for growing the longest ear hair which must exceed 25 centimeters (10 inches) in order to win the coveted "Hairum Scarum" Award.

__________

Image Credit: Ian D. Marsden, illustrator, marsdencartoons@flickr.com

The Right Honorable James Offleyhoo, Q.C., a portly politician and former Grand Poobah of the Backside Benchwarming Brigands, spouse of a sassy sylph named Samantha Tooting-Beck, and author of a blessedly boring book entitled, What Sort of Banter Should One Engage In and What Sort of Beverage Should One Request When Having an Audience With The Queen?.

And, last but not least this brief biography should also include the fact that James is also a charter member of the "Knights & Ladies of the Dreadful Yellow Dog" (featured in the illustration above).

In light of his competent, comfortably-off career as a "Court Jester" skilled in the circumvention of the law, he has had ample time to perfect the art and science of determining how many fairies are dancing on his pointy pinhead at any one time. This amazing feat has not gone unnoticed by such well-meaning and worthy organizations as "The Society for the Study of Supremely Stupid Stuff", "The Benign Brotherhood For The Blatherhood of Bunkum", and the "Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted".