Change My Life; Change the World

I wish that you will not discount my application for coming in on the final day. I had much to say and needed some time to get it all out.

My professional life is littered with the remnants of strategic quits. My dip is yet to come.

So there I was. Only a couple of years out of college and armed with a degree (B.S. in Computer Science) that prepared me for a lifetime of jobs for which I felt little passion and a professional resume consisting of exactly one previous application developer position. And thus began my journey for "it": the thing that would inspire me to be my best, the best.

At that time, I thought my "it" just might be a PhD in Psychology and to achieve it I knew I needed to get some research experience. Of course, lacking even the credentials needed to get such experience meant I had to start somewhere. This is how I ended up working for my current employer, UCLA's Jonnson Comprehensive Cancer Center (the first time around - more on that later). I began as a $12/hr admin temp: a job that I took to get my proverbial foot in the door. The bet paid off in the short-term, I suppose, as I was quickly promoted to yet another application developer position, albeit this time in a research-oriented role. Additionally, working at UCLA meant that I could enroll in some post-bacc psychology courses. Although I aced my classes, psych I soon realized, though extremely interesting, was not my "it". So after 16 or so credits, I quit taking psych classes. All was not lost, however, as I did start to learn a bit more about what my "it" might look like. It was only through that experience that I realized how much I loved learning.

I stayed working at my job, nonetheless, because I was not quite sure where to look next. So there I was again: working at a job for which I felt little passion. To add insult to injury, my boss (a pharmacist) was both incompetent in IT and completely unwilling to hear any sound advice on the matter. There was a 0% chance that I would ever be able to do more than just get by under those circumstances. So I quit. Before leaving, however, I made an appointment with the newly-hired Deputy Director and gave him an earful and then some on all of the issues as I had seen them. It was only through that experience that I realized the power of speaking your truth.

During this same time period, I was also teaching LSAT classes for TestMasters, a fast-growing boutique test prep company. Eventually, a few of us instructors, seduced by the riches we saw the owner raking in, decided to strike out on our own. By that time, I had also been running my own small IT consulting business, ConsultGal. My other would-be partners insisted that I go all in or not at all so, forgetting all about my "it" and focusing only on my bottom line, I quickly brought my consulting activities (not to mention nearly everything else in my life) to a close. The next 16 months flew by in the blur of working at a start-up: 100+ hour weeks spent creating the course materials, marketing the course at five locations throughout the state, building the website and a database application to support the business activities, setting up office space, hiring employees, teaching classes, tutoring and on and on. Two months after we started our company, we were also served with papers by our former employer. So add a whole lot of discovery requests, depositions and meetings with attorneys into the mix. And fighting, a lot of fighting. The 5 of us (check us out, back in the day, on the waybackmachine), 2 in their early twenties with no experience other than teaching, 2 in their early thirties from the world of academia and me, in my late twenties with a bit of business experience, we didn't always see the world in the same way; in fact, we rarely did. And yet, the business grew. And grew. And grew. And I quit. After all of those months of extremely hard work, with a business that showed great potential for a huge windfall some day, I walked away with nothing. "Why?" "How could you do that?" "But, you were so close" "You've worked so hard," exclaimed seemingly everyone I told.

I quit because I was on a one-way road called Misery Street. My life lacked all joy but I struggled for a long time with the decision nonetheless. Was it possible that this was simply a dip and if only I could hold on and bear down, I would come out on the other side having achieved my "it" when I wasn't even looking? The answer for me, when I really allowed myself to hear it, was a resounding no. It just wasn't worth it. It was only through that experience that I realized money alone was definitely not my "it" and that I should listen to my gut (which had told me to run, run, run before ever getting involved) as sometimes, it actually has something useful to say.

I'm back working at UCLA these days. That Deputy Director to whom I had given an earful a few years back called me up one day to announce that everything I had said was right and my former boss had been let go. He also made me a well-timed offer to come back on a contract basis and help "fix the database" in preparation for a huge grant renewal undertaking. Fast forward two years: my contract position has morphed into the Associate Director of a brand new, 9 person department, completely created, staffed and run by me! To give a sense of how people feel about my work, I culled my rainy day file called Praise (which I like to read when I need a pick-me-up) for some snippets of things that my colleagues have to say about me:

From: Gasson, Judith Ph.D., Director, JCCC

Sent: Monday, September 11, 2006 11:47 AM
Courtney, you are so amazing! Thanks for everything you're doing

Sent: Saturday, October 20, 2007 9:51 AM
Courtney you and your team are absolutely AMAZING

From: DuWors, Rob, JCCC Deputy Director, Administration and Finance

Sent: Wednesday, June 07, 2006 8:34 PM
Nancy and I are the co-chairs of the CBM Fan Club! Great job today Courtney. Thanks.

Sent: Thursday, July 27, 2006 12:36 PM
And I feel totally lucky that you're here. Seriously, you are doing a brilliant job.

Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2006 9:56 AM
Actually, I was sitting in my yard at 1030 PM last night thinking that you're the best thing since sliced bread.

Sent: Wednesday, May 09, 2007 10:13 AM
It's all the truth. You are one of the people I've worked with over the years that will leave a lasting impression. I really appreciate all you do for us.

Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2008 10:54 AM
You rock. Have you thought of running for president?

Sent: Friday, December 12, 2008 10:49 AM
She is the Associate Director for our Informatics Shared Resource and is probably the most talented employee I've ever hired. She is outstanding at project management and is tremendous at IT/informatics.

From: Ryba, Nancy, R.N., Administrative Director, JCCC Clinical Research Unit

Sent: Wednesday, June 07, 2006 8:32 PM
Can I tell you how happy I am to have you back fixing that (^*&%_(_)*&$@ database???? Did I tell you yet? No? Well I am, and today was great - I really felt as if things were going to change and progress was being made.
Thanks!

Sent: Friday, September 08, 2006 4:15 PM
Have I told you lately how great I think you are????? You are my one hope for salvation before core grant time!!!!!!

Sent: Sunday, September 24, 2006 12:51 PM
Rob, have I told you lately how much I think Courtney walks on water, leaps over recalcitrant databases with a single bound, works wonders on weekends without whining or wavering.....
She went into work when I couldn't get what I needed and just not only fixed the database,
but resorted data in minutes, cleaned it up and sent accurate reports back to me... will
wonders never cease!

From: Page, Jonathan, Executive Director, Jonsson Cancer Center Foundation

Sent: Wednesday, August 06, 2008 5:21 PM
there are no words....to describe how great you were today. You dazzled 'em.
Thanks so much for jumping in and helping out.
p.s. love your shoes.....

As wonderful as my current job is, it is a cul-de-sac, nonetheless, as it's still not my "it." And though I still don't know exactly what my "it" is, I have, over the years, gotten a much better idea. "It" involves making a difference, one more tangible than the once-removed work of overseeing the development of applications that support cancer research.

One avenue that I have considered is to find some way to enter the ever-expanding world of social enterprise. I am a firm believer in this quote by Paul Hawken: "Business is the only mechanism on the planet today powerful enough to produce the changes necessary to reverse global environmental and social degradation." To that end, I have been brainstorming various ideas for awhile now on how I can turn this into something more concrete. My background in IT, combined with my general geek love for Web 2.0, always brings me back to something web-based.

As consumers we vote day in and day out with our dollars. Each one spent is an endorsement of our values and priorities; however, we have not yet as a society embraced the possibilities therein. I dream of being part of the movement that begins to raise the level of discourse on this topic. TripleBottom.net, one idea I am incubating, would be a one stop shop for conscious consumption: blogs, tip of the day, discussions, yelp-like reviews of local businesses, etc. Some of my notes and random musings for these ideas can be seen in my backpack account.

My friend, Alli, also came up with an idea for a non-profit site that allows people to register for charitable donations, just as they would for a more traditional gift registry. Our notes for that project, called GiftWell, can be seen here.

I'm also interested in the online industry emerging around helping non-profits and/or causes leverage technology to reach more people and operate more efficiently and, conversely, helping would-be givers and activists to take action more easily and make more informed decisions in regard to their charitable giving and political activity. A few sites that inspire me in this regard:

NetSquared

Change.org

FaceBook Causes

GiveWell

Charity Navigator

Courage Campaign

Credo Action

Last year, I was thisclose to heading back to school for my MBA. When push came to shove, however, I was really turned off by the $150,000 price tag. Working at a job that currently pays me a six-figure salary has already made for a near-daily struggle with golden handcuffs; I feared that taking on such massive debt would even further limit rather than expand my options. So, of course, I was beyond excited when I read about the "Alternative MBA." It seemed to me a way to get at much of the good stuff of a real MBA without the enormous drawbacks. As I mentioned earlier, I love to learn. From this experience, I hope to learn:

How to express my ideas in ways that get other people's attention

How to build and keep momentum around an online community

How to turn a bunch of disconnected ideas into an actionable strategy to build a business

How to actually make any money on the internet

How to get over the trap that keeps me tied to the safety of my job

How to decide when to do it myself vs. when to reach out

How to pay for it all

How to utilize my current skills without being tied to my current career track

How to live less fearfully and take more chances

How to work more effectively with a team, as both a leader and a player

Armed with all of this new knowledge, increased confidence and less fear, I will quit what will hopefully be my final cul de sac and get cracking on that dip.

Along with about half of the American population, I've gotten way more interested in politics lately. I have been utilizing my limited influence for quite awhile now to educate others on the importance of voting and being informed: posting to my blog (here, here and here) and setting up a voter registration booth at a music and arts festival. It was only when, almost two years ago, I picked up the book The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama that I became really hooked. I created a tribe for LA Obama supporters, posted on my blog quite a bit, campaigned locally, made state-to-state phone calls and, on November 4th, along with thousands of other Californians, drove to Nevada to campaign door to door and helped to turn that state blue! Of course, this is not the story of one girl changing the world. It is the story of hundreds of thousands of one girls (boys, men and women, too) across this country joining together and becoming part of a movement. That is how change happens in the 21st century and I was so thrilled to play my little part.

As for that digital footprint, it exists most vividly on tribe.net, the home of my blog and other assorted goodies. And, of course, I would be barely human if I could not also be found on facebook and LinkedIn. I considered editing my tribe.net and facebook profiles a bit, hiding some of the spicier parts of my life, before sending them along but ultimately decided against that. I am, as I said at the very beginning, sometimes a contradiction - someone who cares and thinks deeply about the world and my responsibilities and someone who uses slightly crass language, dresses up in silly clothes and romps through the desert at events like Burning Man. This is who I am and I think I'm pretty fabulous.