Abuse, Domestic Violence
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Domestic Violence; Are You In An Abusive Relationship? Or are YOU the abuser?
It is not uncommon to question whether certain actions constitute abuse - hopefully, we can help you identify those types of actions and behaviors that are characterized as being abusive.
Wondering if you are in an abusive relationship?
Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
Domestic violence and abuse do not discriminate.
It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused, especially verbally & emotionally.
The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner - constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up - chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive.
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Verbal Abuse
Being told;
"No one will ever want you".
Jokes made at your expense, put downs, threats, humiliating remarks, manipulation.
Verbal Abuse
("he" is interchangeable with "she")
Verbal abuse falls into many categories, including:* Abusive anger: He would blow up at you.
* Criticizing: He made derogatory comments about your weight and figure.
* Name-calling: He called you a liar and a hypocrite.
* Threatening: He taunted you about his leaving and liking other women.
* Blaming: He told you his behavior was your fault.
Name-calling is verbal abuse: Afterward, verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened, like they feel fine and the relationship is fine. This is because they feel they have more control. Maybe they got you to back down, believe them or doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself then you might go with what they tell you, be more compliant and more slave-like. This makes them happy.
Emotional Manipulation
Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what's been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity -You are experiencing emotional manipulation. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous!
Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator.
What the Cycle Of Violence looks like
Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don't deal with things directly. They will talk behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers.
If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor
Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them".One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety.
Link to this article: http://ow.ly/1c7Jv
Family Secrets
Domestic violence is America's hidden war. And the battleground is in all our homes. ~ M Bussolotti
Teen Dating Abuse
their website is: http://www.loveisrespect.org/ (copy and paste)
They offer among other things: Dating Abuse Fast Facts, Healthy Relationships, Are You Being Abused? Are You Abusive? Community Awareness Ideas, support and much more
Sexual Assault
"What if my body had a sexual response during rape?" Automatic bodily function - you are NOT to blame, throw away the shame
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Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is anything that involves your physical body:Restraint being held down or up against a wall, this act is both intimidation and includes anything that prevents you from leaving, moving, escaping or getting help.
Physical Assault being hit with a slap, punch, knee, foot, etc, choking, burning, pinching and more. Assault also involves includes being struck with an object, any object.
Sexual Assault just because you are in a relationship does not mean you have given up your rights to your own body! Also, withholding or demanding more than you are comfortable with can be a form of abuse.
Put another way: Domestic violence is harmful physical contact or threat thereof that occurs between persons in a relationship.
Financial Abuse
Money can be a means of control.This may occur when one partner earns more than the other.
If you are financially dependent on your partner and recognize that having access to funds often feels like a control issue - you are probably correct! Now we are not talking about frivolous spending on that pair of shoes, a vacation or brand new car.
Another type of financial abuse involves you having funds and getting swindled out of your money.
Men can be victims, too
Women are not the only victims of domestic violence and abuse. Men also suffer from domestic abuse-especially verbal and emotional abuse-and may be even more ashamed to seek help.Is any of this going on?
* Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
* Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
* Keeps you from seeing family members or friends
* Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
* Acts jealous, possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
* Angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
* Threatens you with violence or a weapon
* Keeps you from going to work or school
* Attacks you while you're sleeping, drunk or not paying attention to make up for a difference in strength
* Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
Domestic violence if you're in a same-sex relationship with a man may look like:
* Tells you authorities won't help a homosexual, bisexual or transgendered person
* Says, that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that homosexual relationships are deviant
* Threatens to reveal to friends, family, colleagues or community your sexual orientation or gender identity
* Discounts you by saying, the violence as mutual and consensual
* Tells you that abuse is a normal part of homosexual relationships
* Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" homosexual, bisexual...
* Says that men are naturally violent
* Rationalizes the abuse as part of a sadomasochistic activity
How To Help Someone Who May Be Abused
Do not hesitate to call 911 to report abusive acts. Violence is a crime and your family member or friend needs help. Batterers need to be held accountable under the law. Your call does not mean that the abuser will automatically go to jail but it is the most effective way to protect victims from immediate harm.
If you suspect abuse...
Review the signs that someone you know may be in an abusive relationship. These could be warning signals:· Visible injuries such as black eyes, bruises or broken bones. · "Accidents" Resulting in suspicious changes in plans or absences from work. · Unexplained anxiety or stress or exhaustion. · Extreme concern about the reactions or partner regarding use of time or money.
Signs of a possible abuser
The partner may send these signals:· Constant criticism. · Unpredictable anger or jealousy. · Controlling behavior, assuming right to make all decisions. · Manipulations to isolate partner from family and/or friends. · Cruel, humiliating or degrading comments to partner. · Teasing or intimidation of children or partner. · Threats of physical or sexual violence.
Valuable Excerpt From Comments
Be safe and continue the healing and growing journey
brokenbarbie86 Nov 14, 2010 @ 9:04 pm
It is not at all uncommon for female survivors of childhood abuse to become revictimized as adults. As children, we were not responsible for the abuse and our options were extremely limited. As adults, however, we often continue to place ourselves in situations and relationships that hold us hostage to those limitations because we don't believe we play any role in being abused. But if we look closely at our own behavior in relationships with the help of a good therapist, and we are willing to be honest with ourselves, we usually discover that we make choices which keep us from getting out of the victim role.
These patterns of behavior are frequently played out in most, if not all of our important relationships.
(conitnued) Victom here,although I was never hit.I have not been living with my abuser since 1997,but he continues to stalk and harass me.He is very rich and pays people to join in.I lost custody of our 5 children.He uses them to torment me.I am boken and exhausted,crippeled by clinical depression,fatigue and PTSD symptoms like intermittent agoraphobia.I am a survivor.
My reply;
You describe what, unfortunately, is fairly common - I am delighted to hear you are a SURVIVOR!
Domestic violence is a crime
What you can do
First, learn as much as you can about domestic violence and sexual assault. You will find that these are not women's issues. They are problems which involve criminal behavior with serious repercussions. All acts of violence must be taken seriously.
Intervention: planning for change
Don't push for action and don't blame the victim for what is happening. Do not underestimate the potential danger.
Remember that most victims are unable to make a break on their first try because they leave behind too many important things. You can encourage your friend to think through the steps to take if the partner becomes abusive again. You can also reinforce the idea that not everyone lives with abuse and no one deserves that life!
Children of violence
Long term studies on children who grew up in homes where domestic violence is common showed these frightening statistics:· 7% more likely to attempt suicide. · 26 times more likely to commit sexual assault crimes. · 50% more likely to use drugs. · 76% more likely to commit crimes.
Most of us are reluctant to push ourselves into the lives of others but if you suspect abuse you may be able to help. Let your friend know you care.
Domestic Violence Is A Crime!
Common Misconception
Oh it will never get that bad
- or -
He/ she would never resort to
deadly measures
Most in an abusive relationship have had these thoughts at some point, early on.
BE CAREFUL - BE SAFE
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship tends to be when the abused partner gets ready to leave the relationship.Instead, say NOTHING and when the abuser is not present, and you feel it is safe, LEAVE.
Your possessions can be replaced ~ You cannot be replaced
Who can help? Doctors and nurses , Trusted family and friends, Mental health centers and therapists, in an emergency 911.
An abuser may use technology to monitor your: phone calls, texting and internet activity, to track your physical location
Develop a safety plan!
Part of that plan includes this must: finding out in advance if your local police station is manned 24 hours a day! Victims have been gunned down by abusers in front of police stations because they fled to police offices during evening or weekend shifts - only to find out that the doors were locked and they could only speak to a dispatcher on the phone thus leaving them as sitting ducks - waiting around for an officer to show up. Police officers are usually on patrol in their vehicles and many police stations and sub-stations are NOT manned 24 hours a day.
Books that may help
Local Domestic Violence Resources
If you are in immediate danger, call 911
- 805Therapy.com
- Specialized training in domestic violence. Here to help you heal and thrive. Individual counseling and groups.
- County of Ventura District Attorney
- Crime Victim Assistance
- Battered Women's Shelter Donations
- Shelter donations, family violence and parenting programs
Value Your Input and Feedback
What experience(s) with domestic violence or abuse have you been exposed to?
How did that affect you?
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JJNW
Feb 13, 2012 @ 6:00 am | delete
- It can be so hard to see when someone is trying to cover it and manipulate you. I came to see it as I became more mindful, my children grew older and could see it, and he became more stressed and more controlling. Truly nightmarish.
I hope our Squidoo pages on this issue will help others. The first of mine is this one I just made: A Funeral for My 28 Year Marriage http://www.squidoo.com/a-funeral-for-my-28-year-marriage
*** Blessed by a SquidAngel ***
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John Moore
Nov 11, 2011 @ 1:51 am | delete
- I can't do this to my wife, I love my wife as I love myself. She's so important to me. Even until now I am still having time with her for a date and discussion.
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DavidDove
Sep 24, 2011 @ 3:27 am | delete
- Excellent lens, thank you, will be referring it to others
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skiesgreen
Mar 2, 2010 @ 1:53 am | delete
- Well described acts of violence. Top marks and comments left in the CF. I an lensrolling it to my lens on Child abuse
Norma :)
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805Therapy
May 8, 2010 @ 11:27 am | delete
- Thank you :)
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Anger Management Group Info
For those who want to explore and/ or deal with their own abusive behavior or general anger issuesAlso available: Individual Anger Mgmnt Classes: $65.00/ per session
(805) 204-7315
http://www.805Therapy.com
Why women stay with abusive partners
- gatscounselling Austrailia
- See: 8 Bad Reasons Women Stay in Painful Relationships
Other Domestic Violence Resources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline Center
- Get Help Today!
NDVH is a nonprofit organization that provides crisis intervention, information and referral to victims of domestic violence, perpetrators, friends and families.
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) OR 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7 - U.S.A. DV (Domestic Violence) Resources
- Site lists resources by state
- N A T I O N A L C E N T E R O N E L D E R A B U S E
- Domestic Violence: Older Women Can Be Victims Too
- Teen Relationships & Abuse
- For the first couple of months, Sarah seemed happy. She started to miss her friends and family, though, because she was spending more time with Brian and less time with everyone else
- Selfgrowth.com
- Self Help Link Exchange and more
- Womenslaw.org
- Help for abused men as well
by 805Therapy
Psychotherapy in the form of online education, in person therapeutic support groups and individual counseling.
This is an extension of http://www.805Therapy.com...
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