Eating Disorders News and Help

Growing up in a family of mostly women (4 sisters, no brothers) and a father hardly ever around, a lot of my self image came from the females in my life: my mother and sisters. As a young man, born in the 80`s, my exposure to pop culture was greatly influenced by the 80`s - think tight pants, tank tops, drugs, rock, big hair and the beginning of super skinny models. 3 of my sisters are much older than me, and one, is only 2 years younger. She (we`ll call her Amy), and I were really close growing up. She was obsessed with her weight and appearance her whole life. I don`t think I cared much about my own looks and style until I hit 16. Before that year, from about 12-15 I was growing like a weed, so I was able to eat and eat and never gain. I kept getting taller and my body craved carbs and meat 24/7. Then out of no where, my huge growth spurt had ended but my clothes didn`t fit. I noticed I couldn`t eat like I used to, and started to gain a little weight. My sisters teased me and Amy even expressed a little concern. Looking back I wasn`t fat at all, but the stress, teasing and comments really pushed me over the edge. I started observing Amy`s eating habits. She was so thin, how did she do it? I noticed she would eat quite a bit, and never gain weight. Was it because she was younger? Did she have a higher metabolism? I didn`t see her working out. This made me jealous, and I started to eat more. I got depressed and I ate even more. My sisters started teasing me more and more. Kids at school made comments. I couldn`t date. I lost my self esteem. I started doing poorly in school. I stopped going out with friends. It was bad.

Then, one night, Amy and I decided to watch Top Gun. We laughed, we cried and we ate. We ate pizza, ice cream, soda. I noticed Amy would get up and go to the bathroom quite a bit. And it hit me. Why I hadn`t noticed before is beyond me. I was just a kid I guess, and I didn`t think about such things. But, that night it hit me like a thunderbolt of lightning. My sister was bulimic. I could hear the water running, and when I stood close, I could hear the strains. She would eat and eat. No wonder she was not gaining weight. She would eat and eat and then throw it all up.

I didn`t say anything that night. Not because I didn`t care. Not because I didn`t love her. But, because I cared about her so much and I loved her so much, I wanted her to be proud of me. I wanted her to see that I was strong, that I was more like her. I wanted to be thin. So, instead of expressing concern, I decided I would do the same. If she could do it, so could I. I had found my answer.

Later that night I snuck into the bathroom, my first attempt. I tried and tried, but to no avail. I just couldn`t throw up. How did she do it?

I started watching her every move. I learned her habits. She would bing and purge. Classic bulimic. Not like me, eating and waiting, my body already digesting my food. She would eat, and quickly excuse herself. Soon, I was doing the same. Eating with the family, then sneaking to my room for more snacks and drinks until I was ready to burst, then quickly throwing it all back up, hoping my body wasn`t retaining many calories.

After a while I was losing weight, but not as dramatically as I would like. In my mind I was still fat. I was still not good enough. My sisters and kids at school had stopped teasing me, but it was too late, my self esteem was already diminished. Throughout high school I continued to bing and purge. My mom would notice bags of chips missing and make comments, but with 4 kids, a full time job and a busy social life with my dad, I guess she didn`t notice.

Late one night I ran to the bathroom that my sister and I shared. She was already in the bathroom. It had gotten so bad, it was hard for me to even keep up the food after eating, so I lost it, right there in the hall. My sister opened up the door in shock. It was then I knew that she knew, and she knew that I knew. Suddenly, we were in this together. We both started using laxatives, diuretics. . . we kept binging and purging. But, now, we were doing things together.

This went on for a few years. In my heart, I knew I needed to change. I hated my life and the only real friend I had was Amy. She and I were close, but as a young, single man, it wasn`t the same, having no guy friends around. Amy and I did everything together. She and I were inseparable. Our binging and purging was a sickness, and I knew it, but I loved Amy and I wanted to be just like her.

Once I graduated High School, things started to change. Amy was still in school and I was going on to college. I wanted to be involved in sports and other activities, but I knew my eating disorder was keeping me from getting involved. I began to get really depressed. I was taking more and more diet pills, sleeping too much, eating too much, purging 10 or more times a day.

Then, one day I got a call from my mom. Amy had collapsed, she was in the hospital. It was then that it hit me. My little sister, my best friend, my hero%u2026. was being defeated by this eating disorder. We both had to stop. I knew we needed help, and I knew this hospital wasn`t gonna do it. They pumped her full of liquids and she slowly started looking alive again, but I was scared. I saw that look in her eye, I knew what she was thinking. Later that night I sat with my parents and finally came clean. I told them about Amy and I and the years of binging and purging. I told them how I wanted to get better, for me, for Amy, for my family. But, I felt there was nowhere to turn, nowhere to go for help.

The next day my mom made some calls. And before I knew it, I was packed up and sent to a beautiful eating disorder facility in Malibu. I`ll never forget that day. My parents drove over the hill and there was Zuma beach, there was the ocean%u2026. It had been so long since I felt hope, but in that very moment I felt alive. The ocean seemed to never end and the endlessness made me feel as though that depth, the vastness of the ocean was also inside of me. I was on my way to get help, to recover in the most beautiful place on earth.

My recovery process was long and hard. After weeks of being treated alone, I realized I as dealing with multiple diseases. My eating disorder was fueled by my depression. And, I missed my sister. But, it was best that she did things on her terms, and she was not ready to join me. The people at Cliffside Malibu were amazing. For the first time I felt like I wasn`t being judged, I wasn`t being pushed to change, no one was forcing me to do anything. I was able to recover in privacy and peace. It was so beautiful there, I felt like I was given an opportunity to heal in heaven.

It`s been several years since I dealt with my compulsive binge purge behavior
compulsive binge purge behavior. I still battle with my depression and self identity, but at least now I feel like I can live a normal life. My sister, Amy, eventually got help too. She also visited Cliffside Malibu and received help for both her eating disorder and her depression. We are still best friends and we are so happy that we were able to recover together. If it wasn`t for my parents support and Cliffside Malibu, I don`t know where I`d be today. Lost, alone, helpless%u2026. Dead?

I wanted to share my story, because I know how hard it is to not only suffer from bulimia nervosa , but watch someone you love suffer as well.

Cliffside Malibu helped me. They can help you to. It`s easy, call: 800-501-1988. Or, visit their website: http://www.cliffsidemalibu.com/

The people are so nice there, if they can`t help you, they`ll find someone who can.

Thanks Cliffside Malibu, thank you for helping me get my life back. Thank you for being located in such a beautiful place, where people feel like they deserve to live.

Please, get help.

I hope my story helps someone out there. I`d love to hear from you, leave your story below.