Putting an End to Adultery and Infidelity

(LifeWire) -- Elizabeth Blackney says her heart goes out to Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. John Edwards, because she's been there, too.

Expert says some people cheat only once and never cheat again.

Blackney was just 22 and pregnant when she found out in 1995 her husband had been having an extramarital affair.

"It occurred to me that I hadn't seen the phone bill come in the mail for a while," says the now 36-year-old mother in Bend, Oregon. A quick call to the phone company confirmed that her husband had requested the bills be sent to a post office box that she was unaware of.

After Blackney had the bills rerouted to their home address, she discovered what he was hiding: a long-distance relationship with another woman. When Blackney called the woman's number to investigate, she found out that her husband not only had a mistress, but that he'd told the other woman that Blackney had died in childbirth.

"I was horrified," Blackney, the political director for BlogTalkRadio.com, says. "It was almost sociopathic."

Shortly after her daughter's birth, Blackney's husband was deployed to the Middle East with the United States Air Force. Through letters and phone calls, they gradually reconciled. "I decided to forgive him," she says.

But fate intervened. In April 1998, he mysteriously disappeared before he was scheduled to board a plane in California to fly to Oregon, where the couple had planned to reunite. Several days later, his body washed up on the Pacific Ocean coast at Vandenberg Air Force Base, where he was stationed at the time. "No one knows what happened," says Blackney.

Blackney has never remarried or questioned her decision to forgive the infidelity. "As difficult as our relationship was, he was the love of my life," she says of her late spouse, who is buried at Arlington National Cemetery.

"I know people who have been married 30 or 40 years who don't know the moments of happiness that he and I knew in our brief but turbulent marriage," says Blackney.

The psychology of cheating

Infidelity can be brutal, but it doesn't always precipitate divorce, according to Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a University of Washington psychologist and chief relationship expert at PerfectMatch.com.

"I do think that marriages can weather this," says Schwartz. "But will they ever be the same? No."

So why do people have affairs? "There are hundreds of reasons," she explains.

Relief from tedium, says Schwartz, is a big one. "I've known women in loving marriages who claim that they have lost their sexual appetite," she says. "But then when asked if Brad Pitt walked in the room and declared his love, would they feel moved? And the answer is most always 'yes'."

Other times cheating stems from low self esteem or feelings of self validation. "They'll say, 'I've been a good girl all my life, now it's my time to have some fun'," she says. "Or, 'I deserve this one little thing'."

And like former Sen. John Edwards' admission that he had begun to regard himself as "special," Schwartz has seen many other men and women fall into what she calls the "king or queen syndrome."

"Some people get a sense of entitlement," she explains. "They say to themselves, 'I can do this without getting caught, without falling in love. Gosh, I deserve this, and I really want this'."

Women aren't the only victims

Men and women both have affairs, but not necessarily for the same reasons, says Mark Goulston, M.D., a marriage expert at Divorce360.com and author of "The Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again -- and Stay There." While men often break their marriage vows for reasons that include ego, a need for adulation and sometimes narcissistic behavior, he says, women tend to be tempted for different reasons.

"Women more often fall in love [with someone else] to feel adored and with a promise of protection and to ease pain," Goulston explains.

Rick Singer, 31, a writer who splits his time between Grand Cayman Island and Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, says that when his wife had an affair last year, it caught him completely off guard -- especially since she had just given birth to the couple's twin boys six months prior.

"I thought we had trust in each other," he says. "I had had trust in her."

The news, which he learned of from his children's nanny, broke his heart -- and crushed his ego.

"I ended up checking myself into the hospital," he says. "The rage and hurt in my heart was so intense. I didn't want to do something stupid."

But he says he worked through his grief, and realized that he needed to move on.

Now divorced, Singer says he can't forget the pain he endured, but he has forgiven his ex-wife and today they have a cordial relationship. "Forgiveness isn't just for the other person," he says. "It's for yourself, too."

Reconcile or move on?

Should you stay or should you leave your cheating partner? "It really depends," says Schwartz. "It's important to distinguish between a dead marriage and a dead patch."

The key questions, she says, are: "Did you love each other before, and do you love each other now?" If the answers to both are yes, it's worth reconciling for. It's tough, she admits, but "I've seen people do this all the time."

A sign that a relationship is doomed? When you realize that your goal is to punish your spouse for their infidelity, says Schwartz, or when the cheating partner refuses to change.

"If it's a dead marriage, where you both barely even like each other, it may be fate's way of telling you to give up," she adds.

But, if you've been cheated on, take heart. "One of the myths out there is that if someone cheats, they're going to do it again and again," says Schwartz. "Most people just do it once, and never again. The guilt, the fear that their partner will find out -- it consumes them."

Yes, right now you are in incredible pain and completely confused...BUT...

Did you know that most relationships CAN be salvaged? You may find it difficult to believe that almost every break up for whatever reason: infidelity, plain old lost passion, loss of interest, a stolen heart and worse
...even the worst situations you can imagine, like men serving prison sentences, have salvaged their relationships. Yes, even Ex-cons have got back together with girlfriends and wives after being away for years!

There is hope...

Now I can almost see you shaking your head in disbelief --

And it's okay, but let me ask:

Don't you know couples that have gotten back together? A girl that has taken a guy back?...or vice versa?

I bet you do, but here's the real clincher:

Do you remember why they broke up in the first place? I bet you know at least one guy or gal that took their lover back after an affair or unfaithfulness or worse even?

Think about it for a sec...

Sure! And I bet you know of, or have heard of at least one girl that has taken a guy back that REALLY should not have. You know the ones I am talking about (and I know this is kind of dark) but the girls or guys that are in verbally or physically abusive relationships.

Now, that is some really dark stuff and I am not recommending to anyone to take someone back if the relationship was abusive!! I am using it as a point that almost NO SITUATION is unsalvageable.

"Couples reunite every day REGARDLESS of the situation!"

WARNING: Unconventional Methods!

Here's how I can help you...

If you have broken up and want to get your guy or gal back, obviously I can't talk to or be with everyone I just don't have enough time, but I have done what I believe to be the next best thing --

I have put my years of experience into a really easy to follow "love recipe" for getting back together, and again I forewarn you right now: these are techniques and strategies that are NOT conventional wisdom and I doubt you have ever read or heard these techniques before.

...and I'll tell you....

this stuff works!...maybe too well?
Anyway, the "recipe" is titled simply The Magic Of Making Up See, it is my opinion that there are really no impossible situations. I have seen women not only wait on a man for months, but take back men that have spent years in prison and... I have seen men take women back that have had MORE THAN ONE AFFAIR.

And everything else in between! How crazy is that?

But...

You know what?

this stuff works!

CLICK THIS LINK FOR PROOF This Works!!....

and do me a favor? Drop me a line -- I LOVE a happy ending!!

10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships By Dr. Laura Schlessinger

This audio is an invaluable guide for all newlyweds, married couples and for single people who are struggling to find the right mate or escape a bad relationship...

In Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships, Dr. Laura Schlessinger calls for a return to traditional courtship. Courtship allows couples and their families to get acquainted with each other over a longer period of time, and provides structure and guidelines for that important process.

Schlessinger asks couples to take a long, hard look at the recurring problems in their marriages -- both small and large -- and doesn't hesitate to tell them what they are doing wrong and how they can fix it.

This audio is an invaluable guide for all married couples and for single people who are struggling to find the right mate or escape a bad relationship. Acknowledging your stupid mistakes can be difficult, but with the help of this audio, you will team how to correct them and how to find fulfillment, joy, and loving companionship in your most important relationship.

Feeding the Starved Marriage By Matt Townsend

For over a decade, Matt Townsend has been energizing and involving audiences with his unique approach to building and maintaining successful relationships.

Known as one of America's top presenters in the field of Human Relations and Development, Matt blends humor and story telling with interactive, real-life solutions that inspire motivation and immediate results from his audiences.

Having dedicated his life to the study of communication and interpersonal relationships, Matt has worked extensively in the areas of results-oriented communication, conflict resolution and time management training.

As a lead presenter for industry leader, Franklin Covey, Matt worked with the Family & Special Market Division and created the company's largest train-the-trainer program, certifying more than 900 trainers to teach his customized time management curriculum. He also significantly contributed to Sean Covey's best selling book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens.

Since working at Franklin Covey, Matt founded the Townsend Relationship Center and its affiliate firms, Capacity Consulting and Marriage Matters. Through these entities, Matt has shared his expertise in relationships, communication and conflict resolution with thousands of clients ranging from individual married couples to large corporations such as CNN, Cox Communications, and Lockheed Martin.

The Dance of Intimacy By Harriet Lerner

The Dance of Intimacy takes a careful look at relationships where intimacy is most challenged by too much emotional distance, too much intensity, or simply too much pain. In clear, direct and dramatic terms, Dr. Lerner illustrates how we can move differently in these relationships -- be they with a distant or unfaithful spouse, a depressed sister, a difficult mother, an alcoholic father, an uncommitted lover, a dying parent, or an estranged family member.And she teaches us about "the differences that make a difference" -- the changes we can make in one or two significant relationships that will affect our capacity for intimacy and selfhood for a lifetime.

The Dance of Intimacy offers no "quick fix" for the human dilemma that we all confront. Instead, Dr. Lerner offers us the most solid, respectful, and helpful insights on intimate relationships that both men and women may ever encounter. Picking up where the best-selling The Dance of Anger left off, Dr. Lerner redefines the meaning of intimacy for today, and shows how good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones healed.

Fear of Conflict By Elizabeth Bohorquez

There is much to learn from inner self-observation & inner mind chatter. You know these as your thoughts, but they are much more than that. Each thought moment fragment is an actual subconscious mind goal program. Your subconscious mind sees & hears everything, as if it were true & your body & mind will respond "as if" it were truly happening. This is great, as long as you are playing thought programs about things you want, but if you are not, you are going to get exactly what you don't want & you are going to get a big dose of it. It's time to change now & to begin to enjoy life free from irrational fear-based thoughts."..........Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht

"Many of us fear conflicts, but that's because we simply don't understand what they are & how to manage them. Conflicts are inevitable, as long as you are willing or interested in standing up for what you think are your rights or beliefs. As you explore this program you will come to realize that you have been developing conflict resolution skills for a very long time....some actually right from the time you were an infant.

This program is designed to open your eyes about the reality of conflicts & to remove the negative thoughts & emotions that may be connected to the idea of disagreeing & presenting your own opinions. You will be working with a very special kind of Heightened Awareness & Interactive Self-Hypnosis practice that will help you to relax, listen well, formulate your own ideas & opinions, while managing your thoughts & connected emotions.

Note: All programs produced by International Medical & Health Writers, Ltd. are written & recorded by Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht. Each program has 2 or 3 separate original Interactive Self-Hypnosis Sessions, each with it's own induction. All programs include directions for listening & other important information.

The following is a guide to help you determine if your mate is cheating on you. After reading this list you may find there is some area of concern. Do not confront the cheater. This will only cause them to clean up their act and make it more difficult for you to catch them. You may not have enough proof to make your case. I would urge you to seek professional help.

* At the beginning of an affair the mate that is cheating is more attentive to his spouse. This is due to guilt that the cheater may be feeling at the time.

* After the affair has been going on for a while the person cheating seems to find fault with the person he/she may be living with to try to justify the affair in their mind.

* Cheating spouses may lose attention in the activities in the home. They don't show interest in the livelihood of you or the children that live in the home. Nor do they have any desires to do any fix-ups to the home (i.e. lawn care, house repairs, etc.....)

* Intuition (gut feeling) that something is not right usually is a sign you may have a cheating problem "when in doubt check them out".

* Cheaters may have a change in sex life (i.e. more sex, less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.

* The cheater has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home, especially the mate (i.e. if he/she didn't act the way they do, well then maybe I wouldn't be doing the things I do).

* Another sign is "Finances". "If someone wants to play they have to pay" therefore keeping an eye on their monies (i.e. check stubs, bank account balances, credit card bills, etc...) would tell you whether their spending more money than usual.

* Grooming habits will change. Cheaters will be more attentive to their person (e.i. the way they dress, frequent bathing, physical fitness, grooming of their hair, switching of colognes, etc...).

* Physical signs to look for to determine whether or not someone is having an affair is lipstick on the collar, odors of cologne/perfume on a shirt/blouse, checking underwear for secretion stains. You can also check their wallets and/or the glove compartments of their car to see if they left receipts, pieces of paper with phone numbers, addresses, condoms, etc.

* You may want to monitor your spouse for two weeks. During this time keep track of the mileage on their car. Monitor the time they leave for work and the time they come home. Keep a calendar and note the times, this should help you establish a pattern. If your mate claims to be working late, check paycheck stubs to verify this overtime.

* Be tuned in to home telephone calls when your mate has a tendency to whisper or gives a quick answer and immediately hangs up or when you answer the telephone and get an abrupt hang up.

* Many cheaters use cellular telephones to communicate with their lovers. Should your mate have a cellular telephone you may want to get a detailed billing of the calls made from the cellular phone to determine whether a certain number has been frequently called. A good area to start looking is for the first number called when your mate first leaves for work and the same number called again right before they return home.

* Female cheaters are more discreet in the selection of a lover . This is most likely because of their concern of Sexually Transmitted Disease's (STD's). Most females are looking for a longer lasting relationship rather than a "one night stand". In past years men were the aggressors, in society today, with the increase of women in the work force, women have become equally aggressive.

* When a female is having an affair she tends to have more of a "glow" about her.

The chance that in­fi­del­i­ty will in­trude on a ro­man­tic re­la­tion­ship may be part­ly writ­ten in the cou­ple's genes, a stu­dy has found. The re­sults sug­gest a DNA test could tell a man the rough chances his fe­male part­ner will cheat on him, though it wouldn't nec­es­sar­i­ly work the op­po­site way.

----------------------------------------------------

The study found that wom­en act less pas­sion­ate­ly toward-and are like­li­er to cuck­old-part­ners who share genes with them in a spe­cial part of the ge­nome. This may in part re­flect an ev­o­lu­tion­ary mech­a­n­ism to re­duce in­breed­ing, the in­ves­ti­ga­tors spec­u­lat­ed.

In­fi­del­i­ty touches about half of all coup­les, mar­ried or not, ac­cord­ing to Not Just Friends, a 2002 book by psy­chi­a­trist and in­fi­del­i­ty re­search­er Shir­ley Glass. And last year, sci­ent­ists re­ported that one in 25 dads may be un­know­ing­ly rais­ing ano­ther man's child.

In the new stu­dy, re­search­ers with the Uni­ver­si­ty of New Mex­i­co, Al­bu­quer­que, fo­cused on a set of genes that past stud­ies have im­p­li­cat­ed in a link be­tween sex­u­al at­trac­tion and ge­net­ic sim­i­la­ri­ty.

The clus­ter of genes is termed the ma­jor his­to­com­pat­i­bi­li­ty com­plex, or MHC. The genes, on hu­man Chro­mo­some 6, are in­volved in im­mune re­sponses. The study is the first "to test the hy­poth­e­sis that MHC sim­i­larity pre­dicts as­pects of ac­tu­al hu­man sex­u­al re­la­tion­ships," the re­search­ers wrote. The find­ings ap­peared in the Oc­to­ber is­sue of the re­search jour­nal Psy­cho­log­i­cal Sci­ence.

MHC genes pro­duce mo­le­cules that en­a­ble cells to rec­og­nize in­tru­sive par­a­sites. The mo­le­cules and the genes are ex­treme­ly di­verse and fast-evolv­ing. Bi­ol­o­gists think these traits may be ev­o­lu­tion­ary mech­an­isms to help or­gan­isms stay a step ahead in the arms race with par­a­sites.

This may al­so ex­plain past stud­ies sug­gesting that hu­mans and an­i­mals pre­fer mates with dissi­m­i­lar MHC genes, ac­cord­ing to some sci­en­tists. Such a pre­ference might help as­sure that off­spring have a wide range of im­mu­ni­ty genes in the hol­ster, giv­ing them an edge over pa­th­o­gens.

Studies have even point­ed to a pos­si­ble route by which peo­ple sub­con­scious­ly as­sess potential mates' MHC com­pat­i­bil­ity: smell. In the mid-1990s, re­search­ers found that peo­ple sniff­ing T-shirts worn by oth­ers tended to pre­fer the odor of those whose wear­ers were least like them in this ge­netic re­gion.

Sev­er­al years lat­er, sci­en­tists linked si­m­i­lar pre­ferences to sex­u­al fi­del­i­ty in birds. Il­le­git­i­mate chicks in three spe­cies of typ­i­cal­ly mo­nog­a­mous shore­birds showed up most­ly in the nests of gen­ti­cally si­m­i­lar par­ents, in­ves­ti­ga­tors found-al­though it was­n't clear wheth­er the ma­jor his­to­com­pat­i­bi­li­ty genes spe­ci­fi­cal­ly played a role. The study ap­peared in the Oct. 10, 2002 is­sue of the re­search jour­nal Na­ture.

The new study ech­oes el­e­ments of both pre­vi­ous stud­ies.

The researchers stud­ied 48 male-fe­male cou­ples who were ei­ther dat­ing "ex­clu­sive­ly," by their de­scrip­tion, or mar­ried or liv­ing to­geth­er.

As the pro­por­tion of MHC genes the cou­ple shared in­creased, "wom­en's sex­u­al re­spon­siv­ity to their part­ners de­creased, their num­ber of [out­side] sex­u­al part­ners in­creased, and their at­trac­tion to men oth­er than their pri­ma­ry part­ners in­creased," the re­search­ers wrote in a pa­per de­scrib­ing their find­ings.

Two quantities were almost equal on av­er­age, ac­cord­ing to Chris­tine Garver-Apgar, the study's lead au­thor: the frac­tion of MHC genes shared, and the wo­man's num­ber of extra part­ners. In oth­er words, if the man and woman had half the genes in com­mon, the woman would have on av­er­age near­ly half a lov­er on the side.

But these ten­den­cies were found on­ly for wom­en; men's at­trac­tion and like­li­hood of cheat­ing ap­peared un­re­lat­ed to the genes, the re­search­ers wrote. Nor did these mol­ecu­lar sta­tis­tics seem to af­fect other aspects of re­la­tion­ships. "MHC shar­ing," the sci­ent­ists wrote, "does not broad­ly pre­dict re­la­tion­ship sa­tis­fac­tion."

OK, I know a lot of people here think Dr. Phil is a hack, but every once in a while he comes up with something good. I got home from work early one day last week and caught the last half of his show about cheating fiances. He gave a list of seven questions that can help determine if there is a good chance your relationship can survive infidelity:

Is this an isolated event or a pattern?
Does he often flirt, have inappropriate conversations with women, etc? Is there a pattern of things that might lead to infidielity, or was this the only time he's ever done anything like that? Keep in mind, it did go on for 2 weeks, so it's not precisely isolated, but you may still consider it isolated. I guess the point is, is there a pattern of behavior that indicates it may go too far again one day?

Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?
This one is pretty self explanitory. Does he recognize that he is responsible for his actions, or does he blame you, the other women, alcohol? I had a boyfriend in college who cheated, and I didn't find out until the day we had broken up for other reasons. When I confronted him about it, he spent five minutes making excuses....it was then that I knew for sure we could not even be friends, let alone hold out any hope of reconciling the relationship, because he didn't see that his actions are his own fault.

Does he have insight into how he's hurt you or is he oblivious?
Does he get it? Or does he ever say things like "I don't know why you're still dwelling on this, what's the big deal?"

Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?
It was his choice to have this affair. Does he regret that choice, or is he just bummed that you found out about it? This would be a tough one for me in your shoes, because you didn't find out until so much later. If you were totally clueless, then I would worry that he was so unaffected by his choice that there was no guilt or shame, otherwise there would have been a change in his behavior. But, if you were suspicious at the time, then maybe it did affect him.

Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?
I'm just goint to quote Dr. Phil here, because he elaborates on this question much better than I could. "Do you believe that he is willing to do what it takes to rehabilitate this situation? At a minimum, it's going to mean being totally transparent, being where he's supposed to be, when he's supposed to be, avoiding even the appearance of impropriety, dealing with mood swings that you may have about this, going to therapy, participating in every aspect of whatever it takes to rebuild and reestablish this trust, or do you think he's going to be like, 'Hey, come on, that's behind us. Let's move on'?"

Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene?
Is he insensitive about other things, or is he generally a pretty good guy who just made a mistake?

Is this a legacy or new behavior?
Is this something he saw in his life before you? Did one of his parents or other close family members cheat? Or is this something new to him?

There's one more question, this one is about you.
If you reinvested in him, if you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and he cheated, do you have the depth, do you have the strength, that you could handle that and recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?

Would you have the strength to walk away and start over, or would his cheating again devastate you. People who aren't strong enough to move on often continue in relationships with cheaters because they just don't have the strength to let it go, they are too devastated and humiliated to stand up and end the relationship. And if they do end the relationship it's very hard to ever get into another one. Would that be you, or do you know that if he did it again you could stand up, end it, and move on?

From just what you have written it sounds like your husband is willing to do what it takes to heal your marriage. That's a very good sign. It also sounds like he's dealing well with your pain and the ways it's manifesting itself, that's also a very good sign. It shows that he understands that you are hurting, and that it's his fault, and that he needs to let you express that hurt.

Good luck to you.