There are many types of English Jokes. This site is an introduction to some of them. Many English jokes begin as follows:-
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Save The World's Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants would not need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?
=====================================
These questions about Australia posted on an Australian Tourism Website - Obviously the answers came from a Aussie.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia?%2
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Save The World's Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants would not need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island , a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the Man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?
=====================================
These questions about Australia posted on an Australian Tourism Website - Obviously the answers came from a Aussie.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia?%2
New oNE
Her Indoors
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her English husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
Hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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Bill and Hillary are driving through the town where Hillary grew up,when they stopped for gas. As he is pumping gas the attendant looks in the window and recognizes Hillary.'Do you remember me?',he asks Hillary we dated in high school.They chat for a little while and then Bill pays for the gas and drives away. Bill is feeling proud of himself and looks at Hillary and says "What would have happened if you married the gas station attendant instead of me? and Hillary replies then you would be pumping gas and he would be president!!
===============================================================
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"
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Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
Hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
===============================================================
Bill and Hillary are driving through the town where Hillary grew up,when they stopped for gas. As he is pumping gas the attendant looks in the window and recognizes Hillary.'Do you remember me?',he asks Hillary we dated in high school.They chat for a little while and then Bill pays for the gas and drives away. Bill is feeling proud of himself and looks at Hillary and says "What would have happened if you married the gas station attendant instead of me? and Hillary replies then you would be pumping gas and he would be president!!
===============================================================
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
Great Stuff on Amazon
"Famous Last Words"
Some have actually been said
"Famous Last Words" are funny sentences that someone might say right before they die. For example:
"I wonder where the mother bear is."
"This doesn't taste right."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Doctor Doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
"I wonder where the mother bear is."
"This doesn't taste right."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Doctor Doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
An Englishman
entered a bar..................
An Englishman entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked "Where are you from?" The Englishman replied "I'm from the finest country in the world." The Scot looked sceptical and replied "Are you? You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Short
but sweet
What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman
One fine day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
The empire that ruled the World
Well Almost
Talking to God
And walking on water
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
=============================================
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
=================================================
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
=============================================
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
=================================================
English Abroad
Signs in asia
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Coolers and Heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive sideways
In a Beijing department store: Mickey Mouse High Fashion Apparel
Name of small guest house in mountains of northern Pakistan: 'Sea View Hotel'
On a menu in a Hong Kong restaurant: Spanish omelet (tomatoes, mushrooms, onion) Omelets surprise (two parsons)
On CD cover of local artists singing various western songs, name of well-known Roberta Flack song: 'Tonight I calibrate my love for you'
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Coolers and Heaters: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive sideways
In a Beijing department store: Mickey Mouse High Fashion Apparel
Name of small guest house in mountains of northern Pakistan: 'Sea View Hotel'
On a menu in a Hong Kong restaurant: Spanish omelet (tomatoes, mushrooms, onion) Omelets surprise (two parsons)
On CD cover of local artists singing various western songs, name of well-known Roberta Flack song: 'Tonight I calibrate my love for you'
Be My Valentine
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Taxi Jokes
Hearse
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
Airline 2008
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window."Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?" The pilot confirmed that they were.The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
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What is the difference between greeting the Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
You only have to get on one knee to greet the Queen.
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What is the difference between greeting the Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
You only have to get on one knee to greet the Queen.
by woodygar
An Interesting History Lesson
7-5-8
Railroad tracks...
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.... (more)
7-5-8
Railroad tracks...
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.... (more)
