Using Humor Responsibly - Laughing Out Loud

One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Five
minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a
glass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.''

A minute later the boy screamed, ''Dad!! Can you PLEASE get
me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up
there and spank you.''

A minute later the boy yelled, ''Dad, when you come up to
spank me can you bring me a glass of water?''

I've been to alot of places

But I've never been in cahoots, apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in cognito either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have however been insane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there

Alone and late on a dark winter night, I was watching a T.V. Documentary on Spontaneous Human Combustion - I had seen it or one similar before years ago and found the topic curious and fasinating.

As I watched the program, I couldn't help but ask myself if this was a real phenomenon or something else. When the hour long program ended, I found myself troubled by the possibility that this type of thing ACTUALLY happened to people!

What was it that made one individual over another just burst into flames??

Out of the blue (about and hour later) I thought I smelled smoke! I pushed the blanket aside and found no sign of anything burning. I smoked cigarettes and contributed the smell to a lingering butt in the ashtray, even though I looked (in the ashtray, surrounding flooring, bedcovers and found nothing.) A little concerned, I push the issue aside.

The next morning: As I went to get into my car and head for work, I noticed I could smell smoke again! It wasn't the smell that cigarette's produce, at least to a smoker.

I looked to the sky and saw no tell tale signs of a fire, then thought 'what if it's me?' and 'am I getting ready to internally combust?'

I looked myself over and found no signs of smoke eminating from any body part... got into my car thinking I must be going crazy and drove carefully to work.

As I left the office that evening, there was that smell of smoke again! I had the thought, 'probably only people that KNOW about spontaneous human combustion can actually be effected by it... wish I hadn't watched the t.v. program!' I again checked over my body, right there in the parking lot and found no signs rising smoke, recognized that I felt fine physically and headed home.

This same scenario repeated for two days and I was sure that either I had truly lost my mind or was actually experiencing my body working its way up to a full spontaneous combustion... what could I do? I thought staying close to home might be a good idea - since I could presumably jump in the shower if fire started somewhere on my body. I dare not tell a soul for fear of being locked up and put on a 72-hour hold.

The weekend arrived, I stayed home and had the t.v. on in the background while doing some housework. It was only then that my anxiety and concern subsided, when I heard that over 100 miles away there actually had been a forest fire and people from all over the state had been able to smell it.

Wheew!

Isn't it funny just how badly we can scare ourselves. LOL

You can't make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.

Did I already post that Alzheimer's joke?

I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

The word 'tsunami' is not in my phone's predictive dictionary. If you ever get a text from me saying, "Trumang!!!" get off the beach.

When I was in my 20's, I had just come home from being out on a dinner date and as custom flipped on the t.v. for background noise. As I was getting ready for bed, something being announced on the t.v. caught my attention - it was the name of a battleship that had recently been in the news as being docked on the East Coast. What I thought I heard that it was BREAKING NEWS: We are engaging in battle!

I turned my attention to the t.v., it was now about 11:00 pm, and watched in a transfixed state of confusion as the announcer continued with what was an all out war... how could this be? It was just in New York (the battleship) as my terror grew, I reached for the phone and called Mom - Nuclear Missiles had just been launched!

Frantically, I tried to explain the situation to my Mom and snap her out of her restful sleep! "Mom! What should we do?!?"

My heart beating hard, she turned on her t.v. and after a pause she anxiously asked "What channel?!?"

"Wait a minute" she pled into the phone, before anxiously stating that she couldn't find it on any of the other channels. I explained it was, BREAKING NEWS!

Her reply was that all the news channels should be carrying it. With mild frustration, I stated again that it was BREAKING News and they just hadn't heard about it yet!

As she gathered her wits about her... I am asking her if she thought I should come right over?! And "what should we do?!?" She was silent. "Mom! Talk To Me!!!"

I was sure that this was the end.

In a loving voice, she finally spoke in relief, "You are watching War of The Worlds - it's a movie"

We still laugh about this today, how wonderful it is to have kids that call and wake you, only to throw you into sheer panic. And her request is to not wake her if it is the end of the world, she would rather 'go' in her sleep! LOL

:)

The first day of Spring 2011 has arrived, it brings with it buckets and buckets of rain. I happen to love the rain, it gives me a good excuse to stay indoors and loaf. Particularly like loafing about without the guilt!

Around 10 am I open my front door to let my furry little dog out to potty, I wait just inside the door with a big fluffy towel to dry her off and get those muddy paws before they decorate my kitchen floor. Seeing the rain come down, I get an idea... There is a patch of dirt just outside my front door that needs some greenery, after retrieving the shovel from the back patio and toweling off the pooch I stealthly head outside in my flipflops and rain slicker. I don't want anyone to see me. I step around the side of the building and instantly begin to slip and slide in the drenched mud. Finding my footing I decide to dig up a small bush. After 15 minutes and no closer to getting that darn bush out of the ground I reluctantly decide to go back inside. I take two steps and my leg quickly disappears as I sink in the mud up to my butt. My flipflop is dangerously close to never being seen again as it is gobbled up by the sucking mud! I discover I am not strong enough to pull my leg out, so I lay my body down on the concrete walkway and gradually pull my leg out with flip flop in tact.

Not only am I drenched but now I am completely covered in mud. I stumble embarassingly indoors and quickly remove muddy clothes and while attempting to remove mud on my body I notice my dog happily panting and jumping about - she thinks this is hilarious, I wonder what my neighbors think. LOL

When I was in my 20's and living on a tropical island, my dear friend Lynn and I would go out dancing and drinking til all hours come the weekends. We shared a condo with others, she and I shared a bedroom with 2 beds and an on suite dressing/ bathroom.

On one of these late night adventures, after returning home and sleeping for a few hours I woke with a terribly dry mouth and got up to quench my thirst. Heading to the sink area in our bedroom and eyes barely open, lights off not to wake my suite mate I fumbled for a drinking glass. I filled the glass just a little from the faucet and drank it down. As I was making my way back to bed, I noticed that the water I just drank tasted funny and soon thereafter was in a deep sleep til mid-morning...

In the passive recesses of slumber noises begin to intrude and stir me unhappily awake. Lynn was causing some sort of commotion throughout the condo, I wondered what the heck was going on that wasn't like her.

Once I was fully awake, I asked her what was happening?
She was frantic as she explained that she was unable to locate her contact lenses. I thought, well you did have a quite a few drinks last night. As I prodded her for her last steps the evening before going to bed, she replied; "I put them in solution, in the drinking glass by the sink"

Gasp! I drank her contacts! It was probably the solution to clean them that tasted so bad. Yes, I confessed after the initial shock wore off.

Earlier in the day, I had gone to the store to pick up household cleaning supplies.

It was now afternoon and I was working away at my computer, near an open window when I caught the light scent of a neighbors freshly washed laundry as it was being carried past my window. I thought to myself, that smells nice! Reminding me of when I was young and mom was folding clean clothes and towels.

Later that evening, I found myself back at the computer... Once again, I eventually caught a whiff of that newly laundered aroma, and experienced the same warm emotional response. It then occurred to me that it was awfully late (10:30 pm) to be carrying freshly washed clothes around the complex, but pushed the issue aside and continued my work, before heading to bed.

The next afternoon while at my computer, the same scent, emotional and cognitive reactions occurred! I needed to investigate... I opened my front door expecting to see someone walking through the courtyard carrying a basket of laundry, when I found no one in sight, I paused with a bit of confusion. Closing the door, I turned to the kitchen and there on the counter, was a new box of dryer sheets that I had forgotten to put away, they were scented with "Fresh Laundry" aroma.

:)

1. Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery

2. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

3. A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Henry Cate III

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him

into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass

bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the water

Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater,

but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer

resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the Park a few months ago

And I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent

the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

9. Specify That Your Drive-thru Order Is 'To go'.

10. Sing Along At The Opera.

11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

14. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling' Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

16. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity is to --
Send This Link To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It is Called ... THERAPY IN SOME CIRCLES

TODAY'S QUIZ: What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.
Please note tomorrow's quiz will be the same :)

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and
Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

too cute not to forward.......

GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOR LORD,
GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE,
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE,
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK

For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...

I was fired for ordering the cups.

Ha! I just noticed that I made the top 100 in Humor catagory. Thank you all and keep coming back for more updated silliness.

http://squidoorati.alltop.com/