What is Important to You?
If you answered, "Family Matters!" you've arrived at the right place. While I'll address many family issues, my lens will focus on tweens and step-parenting. I will be adding more articles and resources -- If there's a topic you'd like to see, please contact me.
I love connecting with other parents. Sharing tips gives us the closest thing we can find to that elusive instruction manual on parenting.
What Makes a Family?
That may be a loaded question, but the nuclear family is hardly the American family norm anymore. Families include step-parents, half-siblings, step siblings, same sex parents, single parents and grandparents as parents.Here are some Single Parent stats from the U.S. Census Bureau:
The U.S. has approximately 14 million single parents.
Single parent households are due to a number of factors: divorce, unmarried, separated, widowed, or a grandparent.
Divorced parents make the largest group while households with unmarried parents are rising fast.
For this lens, I'd like to concentrate on blended families and parenting tweens.
Blended families deal with their own set of challenges, such as ex-spouses, step children, custody, visitations, discipline, financial obligations - all while maintaining a healthy marriage. Blended families may see these challenges as roadblocks, but open communication will improve healthy and happy relationships.
Tween Rules
Did your tween's double digit age go to her head? Is she ready to rule the house? Don't let go of the reins yet; Your tween still needs you ... even if she promises her tween life would be complete if only she had the latest-wish-list-MP3 player.Remember the terrible two's? Your little one jerked his hand free from yours and with a defiant 'no', he stumbled across the living room to build his own castle. He plopped down and built a home of LEGOs. If your attention turned to a pot of boiling potatoes on the stove, he would cry out, "Watch this!"
While your tween can manage far more complex tasks, she still looks to you for guidance. She glances back for support as she races towards independence. Your tween may give you the cold shoulder as 'parents' suddenly cramp her style. Don't be fooled. Underneath the grumpy glare sits an uncertain kid. Remember this stage will pass; stay active in your tween's life.
Parents may find themselves in a high wire balancing act: placing your tween with either too many guide wires or no protective nets at all. You know your child - let them test their independence but keep them safe.
What should be the rules or responsibilities for your tween? That's up to you. Every family has expectations, values and morals. Remind your tween of the family's values.
Does your tween beg for the latest tech gadget, like a cell phone or an MP3 player? Teach them more responsibility and tie consequences to their choices. Let them earn points for independent and responsible choices. Choose an appropriate number of points to earn use of the phone, download a song or get new minutes added to a phone card.
Does your tween want the coolest shoes in every rainbow color? Decide that you will buy school shoes or clothing, while she will have to save for the wish-list items. Or you could contribute to her savings with a 50/50 deal.
Social life is king with tweens. More friends and more places can equal increased need for dealing with new situations. Use this time to teach your tween about appropriate behavior, finances and family expectations.
Inappropriate behavior has its own consequences. Your tween could lose time on the phone, miss computer time or lose their gadgets for a pre-determined time, like over a weekend.
Set up rules in a family meeting. It's unfair to punish them with a rule you make five minutes after they stroll home late when there's never been a curfew. Keep communication open with your tween.
Recommended Parenting Books
If you know other helpful parenting books, please leave me a note so I can add them.
For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid
Amazon Price: $10.19 (as of 11/11/2009) 
Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family
Amazon Price: $11.70 (as of 11/11/2009)
Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different - And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men
Amazon Price: (as of 11/11/2009)
Happily Remarried: Making Decisions Together * Blending Families Successfully * Building a Love That Will Last
Amazon Price: $11.19 (as of 11/11/2009)
Jessica's Two Familes: Helping Children Learn to Cope with Blended Households (Let's Talk)
Amazon Price: $8.95 (as of 11/11/2009)
Cell Phones and Tweens
While not all tweens have cell phones, many of them do. This is the age of independence, where they're frequently talking or texting to their friends. Many parents decide to give their child a cell phone as a combination safety and social reasons.
Buy at AllPosters.com
Cell Phone Accessories for Tweens
Naruto Gaara Cell Phone Charm GE-8165
The Naruto cell charm measures approximately 3 inc more...0 points
New York Yankees NY Cell Phone Charm
New York Yankees NY licensed product. This New Yor more...0 points
Los Angeles Lakers Cell Phone Charm
Los Angeles Lakers licensed product. This Los Ange more...0 points
Krusell Blaze Rubber Cell Phone Case RED - Small
Krusell Blaze with Multidapt - A must have for out more...0 points
Parenting eBook - from Parenting.org
- Free Parenting e-Booklet & e-Book Downloads ~ Get Help, Tips & Advice
- Get your free parenting e-booklet and e-book downloads at parenting.org. The free tips and advice will help you with your child's problem behaviors.
Use the link to download your free copies of the e-Booklet, What Every Parent Should Know, and the e-book, Rules for Unruly Children.
Celebrities in the Spotlight
What Do You Tell Your Tween?
It's close to impossible to keep kids away from TV, videos, and movies that portray negative behavior. With a rash of bad-behaved celebs - like Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Lynn Spears, and Brittany Spears, what do you tell your tween?
If your tween looks up to certain celebrities, do you use their missteps and downfalls as a learning experience? Or do you try to shield them from that kind of news?
Do you shield your tween from news, like teenager pregnancy, alcohol or drug abuse by celebs?
Fetching blurbs now... please stand byI turn celebrity behavior into a 'teachable moment' - we discuss how to make good choices.
Jewelsofawe says:
I don't shelter my children. I am over protective though. None of them drink or do drugs. They are ages 17, 15 and 13. I was already partying by age 16. But as an adult I have rarely drank since having them, perhaps that has helped.
Posted December 05, 2008
LaraineRose says:
I don't have a tween any more but she turned out to be a good daughter and nice person so we must have done something right.
Posted March 24, 2008
I don't allow my tween to watch TV, videos, movies or news with poorly behaved, so-called 'role models'.
The_Homeopath says:
We don't allow inappropriate content, video games, or other things like that in our home, BUT we explain why to our kids and we will discuss very openly any subject with them at any time.
Posted July 06, 2008
Music
iPod, MP3, Accessories
Vote Your Favorite
Our tweens know their electronics! While my tween wants everything, he has a limit on how much he can spend and what things he can buy.
I'll share some of my son's favorites in this list. He bought a Sansa e250 a couple years ago. He loves it - a big screen, easy to use. You can add songs, videos, and pictures.
Which electronics do your tweens own?
SpongeBob Squarepants MP3 Speaker System
My son LOVES this speaker system! Very clear sound more...1 point
I-Dog Multi Colored Dalmation Speaker
Have fun with this adorable puppy mp3 speaker ... more...0 points
SanDisk Sansa e250 2 GB MP3 Player with microSD Expansion Slot (Black)
The Sansa e200 Series MP3 players are the created more...0 points
Apple iPod touch 8 GB (3rd Generation) NEWEST MODEL
iPod touch is a great iPod, a great pocket compute more...0 points
MAKE IT Blog
Things To Do With The Kids
Are your tweens giving you the I'm-so-bored-at-home glare? Are you trying to find an activity that will bring your family together? This website by MAKE: Technology on your time shows instructions to MAKE some intriguing tech projects - pick one and invite the kids!
- How-To: Refined edge-lit holiday cards
- Impress your friends and coworkers with these easy-to-make edge-lit holiday cards by Evil Mad Scient...
- Reductionist Jack-'o-lantern
- An engineer's solution to the jack-'o-lantern problem if ever I saw one. [via There, I Fixed It]
Re... - Thingamagoop 2 sports Arduino/CV compatibility & more
- Bleep Labs announced the sequel to their Thingamagoop synth/noisemaker and it looks to be one heckuv...
- DIY Palm Touchstone car mount
- This has to be the coolest car mount for any mobile device out there. Originally designed for home u...
- Remote-controlled bowling ball
- For just $1500, you can have your very own remote-controlled bowling ball! Maybe this is worthy of a...
Tweens Want Everything
- Parenting - Life & Style Home - smh.com.au
- This article addresses what social scientists term 'brand-conscious tween and teens'. Children between the ages of 8-13 years old undergo many changes, including dips in their self-esteemed tied to changes in their body. Studies show that this age group's want of instant gratification has more to do with how they feel about themselves and using material things to feel better.
If children's self-esteem rockets, as they turn 16 - 18 years old, their materialism drops. Read the article for more details, but it's something for us to keep in mind - our tweens' self-esteem.
My Story
BlendingFour years ago, I remarried. Our 'courtship' was slow for many reasons, but the biggest reason involved my son's adjustment to the new relationship and the ways it changed our family dynamics. We made a conscious effort to communicate our feelings, and we have enjoyed being a 'blended family'.
It's not always easy.
We work hard at making sure our son is happy and healthy. Our son is an only child at our house, while he's the oldest at his dad's house with a younger sister and brother from his dad's remarriage.
Balance
It is a balancing act between two households, two sets of parents, different rules, etc. Communication is our family's lifeline. We know that discussing our thoughts and feelings helps us work out the inevitable problems of life, whether in a blended family or not.
Our son has learned that each house has its own twists of rules, roles, and expectations. We're lucky in that both households have similar values.
The Separation
How did I get to this stable place with a wonderful husband and a happy and healthy son? My story revolves through a roller-coaster 15-year marriage and a long separation, culminating in divorce.
My son wasn't quite five years old, when I separated from my husband. Over three years, we tried to heal from the pains in our marriage, while we hoped to rebuild something for the sake of our son.
While separation was difficult, I considered myself lucky. I had friends and family to support me emotionally during that time. One of the hardest times was my son crying for his father at bedtime or asking why we couldn't be a family. My heart would break when I saw his tears. I couldn't 'fix' the situation and couldn't soothe my son's pain in losing his family.
Support
I found a support group called DivorceCare held at a local church, which also provided child care. Their lessons helped me understand the dynamics of divorce; how to take care of myself emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually; and important ways to live a happy and healthy life after divorce.
The Future
With the help of DivorceCare and CASA, I moved beyond the guilt of my divorce toward taking care of myself and my son in every way I can.
If you're in need of help, I hope some of these resources help you.
Family Resources
- DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups
- DivorceCare is a divorce recovery support group where you can find help and healing for the hurt of separation and divorce.
- CASA - It takes a whole community to stop domestic violence.
- It takes a whole community to stop domestic violence. Find out about CASA services.
- Living With Stepparents
- Do you have a stepmom or stepdad? Lots of kids do. Find out more in this article for kids.
Books on Divorce for Kids
The books are for ages four through teen.
Dinosaurs Divorce
Amazon Price: $7.99 (as of 11/11/2009)
It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce (Lansky, Vicki)
Amazon Price: $7.99 (as of 11/11/2009)
I Don't Want to Talk About It
Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 11/11/2009)
The Suitcase Kid
Amazon Price: $13.17 (as of 11/11/2009)
My Parents Are Divorced Too: A Book for Kids by Kids
Amazon Price: $9.95 (as of 11/11/2009)
All in a Name
My husband asked my son if they could come up with a name to call him - rather than his first name - that would show their stepfather-stepson relationship. My husband assured him that he didn't want to be called dad. "You have a dad. I'm not your dad. I am your stepdad, so maybe we can think of a name to show our relationship."They talked it over and decided on "Poppy". We've heard it used in hispanic families to mean Dad. We liked it being similar to Dad - without being Dad - and would show they shared a special relationship.
I also discussed it with my ex-husband, as he noticed my son's use of "Poppy". I tried to assure him that he was the only dad, but we thought of a name to mean step-dad.
It was strange at first; calling someone by a different name than you had for a year. But my husband just beamed when my son started calling him "Poppy". It rang like a toddler's first words for him.
We've been married four years, and the name Poppy changed our family dynamics. My son tops that family feeling when he describes our wedding day as the day "Mommy and I adopted Poppy".
Some families use a nickname for the step-parent. Certainly, it's not something to force on the child. In our family, that one name brought us closer, made us a family unit, told us and other people that we belong together. We didn't know "Poppy" would bring such joy.
Ways to Help Our Child in a Blended Family
I've listed some of the ways we've helped our son cope.
Please add tips that have helped your family.
Open Communication
Our son knows that we are always willing and able more...1 point
Regular Drop-off Time
I ask that my son's drop-off time happen at least more...0 points
Not Saying Anything Bad About The Other Parent or Family
While frustrations can lead to bad-mouthing the ot more...0 points
Establish Family Rules
Create family rules for your household. Acknowledg more...0 points
Do Not Discuss Finances, such as Child Support
This goes along with bad-mouthing the other parent more...0 points
Parenting News
- Connect with Kids : Weekly News Stories
- It's easy to love your kids. It's much harder to talk with them. Watching the Connect with Kids program takes the pressure off.
What's New in Your Family?
Have you found a great way to lessen tween angst? Need ideas on how to get your tween to do homework? Drop me a line and let me know!
superbookdepot wrote...
Nice and very beautifully laid out lens. I would really appreciate it if you visit my Best Parenting & Families Books lens and put your views there. Hope you will take out some time to rate it too.
http://www.squidoo.com/parenting-and-families-best-sellings-books
Posted October 26, 2009
jbroadley wrote...
Thanks for this interesting and valuable post.
I really like it.
Posted September 28, 2009
JenniferAkers wrote...
Wow, thank you so much for the blessing and the lensroll! That's wonderful news, and I'm glad you liked my lens. [in reply to Treasures-By-Brenda]
Posted September 14, 2009
JenniferAkers wrote...
Thanks, Lynne. You're right in respect and love are the keys in raising kids, no matter the situation. [in reply to rlmodranski]
Posted September 14, 2009
Treasures-By-Brenda wrote...
Nicely done, blessed & lensrolled to Not Too Scary Movies For Tweens or Pre-Teens on Halloween.
Posted September 14, 2009
More Information on Tweens
by JenniferAkers
I have a twelve-year old son, and I remarried 5 years ago. Together, we found happiness while building our 'new' family. New issues arise......
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