FEAST OF FOOLS

Thank goodness there will be a place for snobs and snooty so-and-so's to show off their fancy schmansy sniffing skills.

Gurus of Grapes know there are four easy steps you can take to get to know any wine.

1. Check out the colour...is it red or white? No, it doesn't come in stripes!

2. Stick your nose right in the glass...all the way and take a big whiff of those delightful aromas...what does it make you think of? c'mon guess again.

3. Taste...let the wine touch the roof of your mouth, the inside of your cheeks... swish it around, take in air if you want (provided of course you keep your mouth shut).

4. Now try judging the taste, the texture, and finish of the wine, spit it out and move on to the next little gem.

This is serious business for fools, because if you start imbibing to your heart's content you won't be able to taste or remember the others. Don't be shy about spitting. Frankly, it's probably one of the few times that you can spit in public without being called a "boor" or without being arrested!

After you've sampled the wines, give three reasons why you like them. Now here is where it gets fun...because fermented fruit comes with some pretty nutty names...and we're looking for the funniest wine reviews possible.

Here's a sample of the wicked wines available from Spinnakers in James Bay for tasting:

-- See Ya Later Ranch Ping 2006 (BC VQA)

-- Blasted Church (BC VQA)

-- Rigamarole Rose (BC VQA)

-- Naked Grape (BC VQA)

-- Red Rooster (BC VQA)

-- Misconduct - Misfit (BC VQA)

-- Monster Wines (BC VQA)

-- Bete Noir (BC VQA)

-- Funky Llama Merlot (Argentina)

-- Knick, Knack Paddy Whack Ozzy Red (Australia)

-- Mr. Riggs - The Gaffer (Australia)

-- Toasted Head Chardonnay (US)

-- Barefoot (US)

-- Menage a trois (US)

-- Red Truck (US)

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Image Credit: NoahKroese@flickr.com

Your hostess for the evening will be the inimitable, intriguing, and interestingly different Monarch of Mirth, Her Royal Highness Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity.

HRH-QQ, a wonderfully witty wench, has graced us with her presence on two previous occasions to honor "April Fool's Day", a relatively little-known and celebrated event in the capital of flakes, nuts, and fruitcakes not to mention a wide array of wonderful windbags in the legislature (located less than three blocks from the event venue).

This entertaining event promises to be a wonderful way to wink, whet your whistle, wax forth about the witty wines available for tasting or wait for the best time to make your grape escape!

It's easy to mock the easy-drinking wines from France's Beaujolais region, ever the more so with marketing taglines suggesting we all "Get Beaujolaid."

Remember, don't be a pig when it comes to pleasing your palate.

If bottles of wine are available and guests can pour their own, don't be a wine hog and go back for seconds, thirds, or fourths!

Wine tasting is all about sharing the sunburned skins not swilling it like any freaking fool!

Which brings me to the importance of finding some witty words to say about my favorite topic, wine.

"My nose itched, and I knew I should drink wine or kiss a fool." -- Jonathan Swift

"A mind of the caliber of mine cannot derive its nutriment from cows." -- George Bernard Shaw

"If a life of wine, women and song becomes too much, give up the singing." -- Anonymous

"I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out." -- Robin Williams

"If drinking is evil, then why did Jesus turn water to wine?" -- Mae West

"Blind tastings are to wine what strip poker is to love." -- Kermit Lynch

"Love is like wine. To sip is fine, but to empty the bottle is a headache." -- Julio Iglesias

"Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine." -- Joan Collins

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to a lack of wine." -- Anonymous

"I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food." -- W.C. Fields

"A fine man is like a fine wine." -- Mae West

"Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it." -- Anonymous

"What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?" -- W. C. Fields

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp onthem." -- Madonna

"You have to fully enjoy the aroma. On your first sip, hold it on the roof of your mouth for a moment and breathe through your nose. Then you will feel the flavor. ... A bad year will be sharp. A good year, which this is of course, will waft." -- from the 1958 movie, "Gigi".

"My dad used to have to open the second bottle of wine in the loo in case Mum heard the cork coming out." -- Hugh Grant

"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Men are like wine - some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age." -- Pope John XXIII

"I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine." -- Anonymous

"A bold wine with a hint of sophistication and lacking in pretension. (Pause.) Actually I was just talking about myself." -- From the wickedly funny wine 1995 movie, "French Kiss".

Out to dinner with Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog orders a bottle of bubbly, which turns out to be sparkling Muscatel from Idaho that Martin "uncorks" with a beer opener. Kermit is about to sip some when Miss Piggy reminds him that the expert is supposed to taste it first. Martin takes a sip, spits it out in a rush, grimaces, then composes his face into a smarmy smile and says, "An excellent choice." I feel like I've ordered wine from that sommelier". -- from the 1979 silver screen sensation, "The Muppet Movie"

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Image Credit: Amanda Woodward@flickr.com

This lively libation event will feature impromptu merry musings from invited guests, and instructions on how to sample wines without spilling on your date or mate, and where to find the funniest fermented fruit labels.

So pull up a stool and join us for an evening of munchies, mirth, and merry-making!

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Image Credit: Sketchees@flickr.com

THE FIRST "FEAST OF FOOLS" EVENT HELD IN JAMES BAY!

Remember...Fools rush in where angels fear to tread...which means either God forgot to give them a brain or they're not in the least bit interested in heaven when they got so much to fool around with on earth!

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Image Credit: www.mindmapinspiration.com