Filipino Jokes

A man was running
late for the office one day, so he was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I've just seen on the TV that there's a maniac going down the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It's not just one, it's all of them.

TEACHER
There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in...." Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."

A Filipino man died and went to heaven.
Before he could enter the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter had to ask him three questions.
The first one Saint Peter asked was, "How many days are there in a week?"
The Filipino man answered, "Three. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow."
The second question Peter asked was, "Can you use yellow, pink and green in one sentence?"
The man answered, "Of course... The phone greens, I pink it up and say Yellow!!"
The last question Peter asked the Filipino man what GOD's name was.
He replied, "Howard... as in 'our father howard be thy name...'"

1
What's the difference between President Clinton and the Titanic?
A. Only 1500 went down on the Titanic
2

A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

Police Chief:
"Guards, may nakawalang hoodlum! Bantayan ang mga exits!"
Later...
Guard: "Sir, nakatakas ang hoodlum."
Police Chief: "Paano nangyari iyun?"
Guard: "Sir, sa entrance siya dumaan."

Police Chief: "Guards, block all the exits, a hoolum has escaped"
Later...
Guard: "Sir, thehoodlum has escaped."
Police Chief: "how did that happen?"
Guard: "Sir, he left via the entrance."

Scottish Jokes

Welsh Jokes

Irish Jokes

English Jokes

American Jokes

Aussie Jokes

Middle East Jokes

German Jokes

French Jokes

International Humour

Animal
an Elephant ask the Camel! "why do u hev ur boobs on your back?" d camel laugh and replied,, " what a silly question from someone with a big penis on his Face!?!!

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie:

1. Everyone's meal today is on you!
2. The 'special sauce' came from the floor!
3. Guess what our special 'drop' was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
4. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
5. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
6. Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
7. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
8. We know where you live.
9. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe

Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

Want to know just how Filipino you are? Take this less-than-scientific quiz to rate your Filipinoness. You might just be surprised at the results!

Scoring: Give yourself 3 points if you can relate to the following characteristics yourself, 2 points if it relates to an immediate family member (mom or dad) and 1 point if you know of someone who has the characteristic.

(NOTE: This quiz was taken from "The Philippine Review," August 1995 edition.)

MANNERISMS & PERSONALITY TRAITS:

1. You point with your lips.
2. You eat using your hands and have it down to a technique!
3. Your other piece of luggage is a balikbayan box.
4. You nod your head upwards to greet someone.
5. You put your foot up on your chair and rest your elbow on your knee while eating.
6. You use a rock to scrub yourself in the bath or shower.
7. You have to kiss your relatives on the cheek as soon as you enter the room.
8. You're standing next to eight big boxes at the airport.
9. You collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir's sake."
10. Your house has a distinctive aroma.
11. You smile for no reason.
12. You flirt by having a foolish grin on your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly.
13. You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
14. You use an umbrella for shade on hot summer days.
15. You scratch your head when you don't know the answer.
16. You never eat the last morsel of food on the table.
17. You go bowling
18. You play pusoy & mah jong
19. You find dried up morsels of rice stuck to your shirt.
20. You prefer to sit in the shade instead of basking in the sun.
21. You add an unwarranted "H" to your name (i.e., "Jhun," "Bhoy," or "Rhon.")
22. You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV.
23. Your middle name is your mother's maiden name.
24. You like everything that's imported or "state-side."
25. You check the labels on clothes to see where it was made.
26. You hang your clothes out to dry.
27. You are perfectly comfortable in a squatting position with your elbows resting on your knees.
28. You consistently arrive 30 minutes late for all events.
29. You always offer food to all your visitors.

VOCABULARY:
30. You say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom."
31. You say "for take out" instead of "to go."
32. You "open" or "close" the lights.
33. You ask for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
34. You ask for a "pentel pen" or a "ball pen" instead of just a pen.
35. You refer to the refrigerator as the "ref" or "pridyider."
36. You say kodakan instead of "take a picture."
37. You order a "McDonald's" instead of a "hamburger" (pronounced ham-boor-jer).
38. You say "Ha?" instead of "What?"
39. You say "Hoy!" to get someone's attention.
40. You answer when someone yells "Hoy!"
41. You turn around when someone says "Psst!"
42. You say "Cutex" instead of "nail polish."
43. You say "for a while" instead of "please hold" on the telephone.
44. You say "he" when you mean "she" and vice versa.
45. You say "aray!" instead of "ouch!"
46. Your sneeze sounds like "ahh-ching" instead of "ahh-choo."
47. You prefer to make acronyms for phrases such as "OA" for overacting, "DOM" for dirty old man and "TNT" for, well, you know.
48. You say "air con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
49. You pronounce the following words:"hippopo-TA-mus," "com-FOR-table," "bro-CO-li," and "Mongo-mery Ward."
50. You say "brown-out" instead of "black-out."
51. You say "Uy!" instead of "Oops."

HOME FURNISHINGS:
52. You use a walis tambo and a walis ting-ting as opposed to a conventional broom.
53. You have a "Weapons of Moroland" shield hanging in your living room wall.
54. You have a portrait of "The Last Supper" hanging in your dining room wall.
55. You own a karaoke system.
56. You own a piano no one ever plays.
57. You have a tabo in the bathroom.
58. Your house is cluttered with burloloys.
59. You have two or three pairs of tsinelas at your doorstep.
60. Your house has ornate wrought iron gates in front of it.
61. You have a rose garden.
62. You display a laughing Buddha for good luck.
63. You have a shrine to the Santo Nino in your living room.
64. You own a "Barrel Man" (shwing!)
65. You have a parol hanging outside your house during the holidays.
66. You cover your living room furniture with bedsheets.
67. Your lampshades still have the plastic covers on them.
68. You have plastic runners to cover the carpets in your house.
69. You refer to your VCR as the "Beyta-Max."
70. You have a rice dispenser.
71. You own a turbo broiler.
72. You own one of those fiber-optic flower lamps.
73. You own a lamp with the oil that drips down the strings.
74. You have a giant wooden fork & spoon hanging in the dining room.
75. You have wooden tinikling dancers on the wall.
76. You own capiz shell chandeliers, lamps or placemats.

AUTOMOBILES:
77. You own a Mercedes Benz and call it "chedeng."
78. You own a huge van conversion.
79. Your car chirps like a bird or plays a tune when it's in reverse.
80. Your car horn can make three or more different sounds.
81. Your car has curb feelers on it.
82. You hang a rosary on your car's rear view mirror.
83. You have those air fresheners in a bottle.

FAMILY:
84. You have aunts and uncles named "Baby," "Girlie," or "Boy."
85. You were raised to believe that every Filipino is an aunt, uncle or cousin.
86. Your dad was in the navy.
87. Your mom or sister is a nurse.
88. You get smelling kisses from your grandma.
89. Your parents call each other "mommy" and "daddy."
90. You have a family member that has a nickname that repeats itself (i.e., "Deng-Deng," "Ling-Ling," "Jong-Jong" or "Bing-Bing.")
91. You put hot dogs in your spaghetti.
92. You consider dilis the Filipino equivalent to french fries.
93. You think that eating chocolate rice pudding and dried fish is a great morning meal.
94. You order things like tapsilog, longsilog, or tocilog at restaurants.
95. You instinctively grab a toothpick after a meal.
96. You order a "soft drink" instead of a "soda."
97. You dip bread in your morning coffee.
98. You refer to seasonings and all other forms of monosodium glutimate as "Ajinomoto."
99. Your cupboards are full of corned beef hash, Spam and Vienna Sausages.
100. "Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairy tale.
101. You appreciate a fresh pot of hot rice.
102. You bring baon to work every day.
103. Your baon is usually something over rice.
104. Your neighbors complain about the smell of tuyo on Sunday mornings.
105. You eat rice for breakfast.
106. You use your fingers to measure the water when cooking rice.
107. You wash and re-use plastic utensils and Styrofoam cups.
108. You have a supply of frozen lumpia in the freezer.
109. You have an ice-shaver for making halo-halo.
110. Your cloth tablecloths have tell-tale "toyo circles" on them.
111. You eat purple yam-flavored ice cream.
112. You gotta have a bottle of Jufran handy.
113. You fry Spam and hot dogs and eat them with rice.
114. You think half-hatched duck eggs are a delicacy.
115. You know that "chocolate meat" isn't really made with chocolate.

249-345 points: Welcome to America! Judging from your high score, you are an obvious transplant from the Philippines. There is no doubt what your ethnic identity is! You're Filipino, through & through.

173-258 points: Congratulations, you've retained most of the Filipino traits and tendencies your family has instilled in you.

170 and under: You have OFT (Obvious Filipino Tendencies). Go with the flow to reach full Filipino potential. Prepare for assimilation; resistance is futile.

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'

In the Philippines, most kids in private schools are forced to speak English at all times. A kid who just came from the province and who barely speaks the language tried his best to do so.
One day, the kid needed to go to the bathroom so bad but he didn't know what to tell his teacher. He raised his hand and said, "guro, pwede po bang pumunta nang banyo?" (meaning, teacher may I go to the bathroom?')
Since the boy didn't speak English, the teacher pretended that she didn't hear him. The boy said to himself, "what should I say (in Filipino, of course)". Then suddenly, the boy raised his hand and said, "FATHER, MOTHER, I", and quickly rushed out the door and to the bathroom.
The teacher wondered what the boy meant. 15 minutes later, the boy came back. The teacher asked him where he went. He said that he went to the bathroom and he needed to go really bad. Then she asked what he meant when he said 'FATHER, MOTHER, I'.
The boy then explained, "FATHER in filipino meant TATA, MOTHER in filipino meant INA and I in filipino meant AKO".
=================================================================
One time three people a Canadian, a American, and a Chinese
person. heard about a mountain that if you jumped of it and
said something you'd land in it. So they decided they'd try it
when the got there the American jumped of it and yelled money
and landed in millions of dollars. then the Canadian ran and
jumped off and he yelled hot naked woman and he landed in a pile
of hot naked woman. Finally the Chinese guy ran for the edge and
tripped yelled SHIT and he landed in a pile of shit.
===========================================================
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
===============================================================

> > These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and

> > are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down

>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying

>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

> > ______________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

> > WITNESS: July 18th.

> > ATTORNEY: What year?

> > WITNESS: Every year.

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at

>all?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> > WITNESS: I forget.

> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something

you

>forgot?

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

>morning?

> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

>voodoo?

> > WITNESS: We both do.

> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

> > WITNESS: We do.

> > ATTORNEY: You do?

> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in

his

>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> >

> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> > ___________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> >

> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> >

> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> > WITNESS: Uh....

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> > WITNESS: None.

> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> > WITNESS: By death.

> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had

> > a beard.

> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

> >

> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed

on

>dead people?

> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did

you

>go to?

> > WITNESS: Oral.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >

> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was

>doing an autopsy on him!

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> >

> > WITNESS: Huh?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check

>for a pulse?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

>you began the autopsy?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,

>nevertheless?

> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

>practicing law.