Download a Free Joke Book

It's a fact that after publishing That's Comedy! since 1999 it's getting harder and harder to find great new jokes.

When I started That's Comedy! I made the decision not to recycle the same jokes over and over again like some lists do. That's the lazy way to run a joke list. Of course, I didn't know then that I'd still be doing this eight years down the road.

It's very rare I see a great joke that I haven't already run in the past. In fact I believe the funniest jokes I've ever run were in the first couple of years of That's Comedy!.

So I decided to gather together all my personal favorites - the funniest jokes, the best quotes - and compile them into a single Joke Book.

If you love to laugh, and I know you do, you're gonna just love this ebook.

So don't delay, click on the link below and you can be reading the very best of That's Comedy! in a matter of minutes.

Click Here To Download Your Free Joke Book

Take care

Dean

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so
they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong
with them.

They see the doctor and explain the memory problems they've been
having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are
physically fine but might want to start writing things down to
help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.

"Where are you going?" asks his wife.

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks.

"Sure," he says.

She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember."

"I'll remember," he says

"Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You
had better write that down cause I know you'll forget."

"I can remember that," he says, as he begins to lose his
patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream on top," she adds, "I know you'll
forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I'll
remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her
a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment
and says,

"You forgot my toast."

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use `big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words."

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a Train. Use big people words."

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride and said,

"Winnie The Crap."

A 60-year-old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a
booming voice from above

"You will live to be 100!"

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard

"You will live to be 100!"

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got
40 more years to live!

So she took out a loan and off she went to the plastic surgeon.
She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,
died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was
supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus
kill me?"

God said: "I didn't recognize you."

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at
Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for
a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from,
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the
Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I
can not change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the
Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you
$50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer
from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our
daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The
church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help
us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the
Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel
gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets
desperate.

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words
of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to
'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million
to the Vatican."

"Let me get back to you." Says the Pope.

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and
he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The
good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the
Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad
news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread
account."

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her
husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another deceased was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So . . . I switched the heads"

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things,
so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and
introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They
come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors
about it.

Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the
garden.

"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory
course you liked so much?"

"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name
of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has
thorns on the stems...?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was
the memory course instructor's name?"

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my
dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my
dismay, I realized it was the next-door neighbors' daughter's
rabbit.

For years I had watched her come home from school and head
straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden.
I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had
to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle,
so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush
and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming
I jumped the fence and placed it back in its cage hoping its
death would be written off as "natural causes".

Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the
little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only
this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed

"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the
good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was
anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted,

"What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead
rabbit and put it back in its cage?"

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't
reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and
began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice
that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school
child.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one is going
to steal Henry."

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
everyday and each week the course changed to a new one
representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked,
"What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old
man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much
as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his
hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what
was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here
ten years ago!"

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the
week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside
their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began
praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied,

"No, but Grandma is!"

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"... I forget."

Simply Click Here for your FREE 40 page joke book