French Military Jokes

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by
terrorists.


The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be
allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk
about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service
to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of
national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to
talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,
special status, distinct society and uniqueness within
diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts
talking."

A group of British paratroopers were firing their weapons for practice
near the Kuwait/Iraq border. A group of Iraqi soliders, fearing the war had started, crossed the border and promptly surrendered to the paratroopers. My immediate thought was, "Finally, French culture has spread to the Middle East."

What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?
"The Axis of Weasels."

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman
are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Famous quotes about the French:
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." -- John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

Scottish Jokes

Welsh Jokes

Irish Jokes

English Jokes

Filipino Jokes

American Jokes

Aussie Jokes

Middle East Jokes

German Jokes


International Humour
Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day!

Why don't the French really want the US to attack Iraq? Don't want their record for surrender broken.

During one of the many wars
that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

Eminem's tour of France is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.

Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the French for himself."

The French have only one actual fighting war hero,
Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy!

Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.

Q: What's the difference between toast and Frenchmen?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast!

Q: Why do people always talk about the 'foreign legion'?
A: They couldn't find any French to join!

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation,
the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." -Jay Leno

Is it any wonder that America's most beloved French character is a skunk who stinks and thinks that he is desirable love god?

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.

Heard about the new French-Chinese wine? One hour later and you're whining about America again.

Why are so many French born by C-section?
Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

Q & A Iraqi War Jokes
Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?

A: DUCK!

Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?

A: You shout out, "B-52"

The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that :

Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.

Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.

Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?

A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?

A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!

Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?

A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?

A: A refund.

Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?

A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his
initial shock he said to himself, 'Ah, young love... ze spring
time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!' and continued to
watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and
said, 'Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he
hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the
police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
'Jean... Jean zere is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer
Gaston's field making love.' The police chief smiled and said;
'Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love,
ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is ok.'

'Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the
station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop
to call the doctor:

'Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere
is a young couple naked 'aving sex '

To which Pierre replied, 'Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is
very natural.'

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, 'NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, 'Mon dieu!' grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to
Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back
to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got
there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, 'Ah, mes amis,
do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British.'

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." -David Letterman

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." -Jay Leno

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." -Jay Leno

"Broadway producers are saying that because of the war, musicals are suffering from weak ticket sales. Not only that, over at 'Les Miserables,' the French are refusing to take part in the revolution." -Conan O'Brien

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." -Jay Leno

FRANCE UPGRADES HER TERROR ALERT

In light of the Madrid bombing, France raised their terror alert level from "RUN" to "HIDE."

The only higher levels in France are "SURRENDER" and "COLLABORATION."

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

"Greece asked NATO...for a presence in Athens in case the Olympics are attacked by al-Qa'ida. Everyone's skills can be utilized. The U.S. will provide the armor, Britain the air cover, Germany the street patrol, and France the evacuation."

Why is it that we have to speak English

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.

A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.

"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

A Frenchman, an Englishman
, and a New Yorker are captured by a
fierce tribe. The chief approaches them and says, "The bad news
is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and
then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives
him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but
he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork
and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the
chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's
horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you
doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs, "So much
for your canoe!"

Marilyn had a parrot for a pet,
but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.

"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."

Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed.

"Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said.

The owl said, "Who? Who?"

And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch."

Two guys are on duty at a French Foreign Legion fort.
One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.
The other guy says no way.
So, the first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks. Reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. Camel jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy. I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes.
The second guy says, " You got me last time. But there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes."
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says,"Remember me?".
The camel nods.....

Jim Finley, the noted biologist,
was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finley went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trump looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a dash of that, and most critically, one part sodium.

"You mean?.... " Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate."

A guy is sitting at a bar
in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

> > These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and

> > are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down

>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying

>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

> >


> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

> > ______________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

> > WITNESS: July 18th.

> > ATTORNEY: What year?

> > WITNESS: Every year.

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at

>all?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> > WITNESS: I forget.

> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something

you

>forgot?

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.

> > _____________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

>morning?

> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in

>voodoo?

> > WITNESS: We both do.

> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

> > WITNESS: We do.

> > ATTORNEY: You do?

> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in

his

>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> >

> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> > ___________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

> >

> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> >

> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> > WITNESS: Uh....

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> > WITNESS: None.

> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> > WITNESS: By death.

> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had

> > a beard.

> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

> >

> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed

on

>dead people?

> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did

you

>go to?

> > WITNESS: Oral.

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? >

> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was

>doing an autopsy on him!

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> >

> > WITNESS: Huh?

> > ______________________________________

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check

>for a pulse?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when

>you began the autopsy?

> > WITNESS: No.

> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,

>nevertheless?

> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

>practicing law.