How to Have Fun at the County Fair

Wear comfortable shoes

I know this seems like common sense but some people need to know this. Do not wear ridiculous shoes to the fair. Do not wear some cheesy jimmy choo knockoffs you got for 6.99 in the off chance that you will run into some cute guy who will instantly fall in love with you as you wait in line for a funnel cake. More likely you will get a blister and be whiny and make all your friends and family have a miserable time waiting for you to keep up. Also don't wear flip flops because they may fall off on a ride and you do not want to be barefoot at the fair. You might step in broken bottles, horse poop, or random little kids pee. So buy a pair of sneakers. Sneakers won't kill you I swear.

Wear Sun Protection.

This is another obvious thing. Wear sunscreen and maybe a hat if you are not doing rides where you can lose the hat.

Take a bottle of water.

Water at the fair is overpriced take your own if you can. You can refill it at a drinking fountain or sometimes water companies have free samples of their bottled water and you can refill it there.

Don't Ignore the Weird Exhibits.

Low key exhibits can be a good way to cool off and get away from the crowds. Some good ones include the art and photography exhibit, and the collections exhibit were people show off their collections of things like all of their childhood Hot Wheels Cars and McDonalds glasses (ooh cadmium!) Another low key exhibit is the one where they talk about mosquitoes and west Nile virus and the importance of putting chlorine in your pool. This one sometimes has free stuff like stickers or pencils. Once I got a magic towel that grew to the size of a small washcloth. Score!

Don't enter that contest to win a vacation or car

Don't enter that contest to win a vacation or car that's right after the gate. You will get tons of calls from the annoying timeshare people even if you are on the no call list. If you still want a chance to win the car but you don't want the calls just put that your household income is less than 20,000 a year then they don't call you.

Use a cell phone or walkie talkies.

Especially if everyone wants to see something different.

Have a place established to meet up if you get separated.

Take a camera.

Take a real camera and take pictures. Maybe you can enter them into next years fair contest because the judges seem to love pictures of the fair. Even cliché ones like the swings at night or a little boy eating a messy corndog.

When to buy a ride wristband.

On slower days you can usually buy a wristband. Do this if your main goal is to do rides and you don't care about the other stuff at the fair. They are especially good if you are about 13, have an iron stomach and can ride the gravittron 35 times in a row without any ill effects from either he spinning or the smell inside the gravittron. If you only want to do the bumper cars and the ferris wheel and that's it a wristband is probably not an economical option for you.

The whole midway is rigged.

Every game on the midway is rigged. You make think there are laws and some sort of Carnival Gaming Commission that oversees this but I am pretty sure there isn't. Carnival games are all rigged and not in your favor. So if you are going to play them do it for fun. (way way overpriced fun) The games you have the best chance of getting a prize from are the horse race one where you roll balls into holes along with a bunch of other people and the one where you shoot darts at balloons. The prize you will get will probably not be one of those giant stuffed animals but more likely a cheesy framed poster of a copyright infringement Garfield sitting atop a unicorn with the Raiders logo on his head. Do not put your poster near any sort of light because it will fade into obscurity within a month.

Go with your gut and ride what you want.

If you don't entirely trust a roller coaster that was put together the day before using an Allen wrench from the dollar store then don't so on it. No one will think you are less of a person I swear. Also if you go on the ride that dumps you upside down 46 times in a row in rapid succession right after you down 2 chili dogs, 1 Dr. Pepper, some cotton candy and a funnel cake with whip cream on top you may regret it.

Don't sit on the inside of the sleigh ride.

Every fair has a ride that goes really fast forwards then backwards in a circle. It usually has a sleigh or bobsled theme. Do not sit on the inside towards the center. Especially if you are riding with more than one person and they are not anorexic. The whole ride you will be slammed uncomfortably into the side of the ride and though you will be screaming they will not stop or slow down the ride. Possibly because the operator can't hear you over the constant loop of Slow Ride by Foghat or more likely because he has a sadistic streak.

Take some Tums in your purse or pocket.

Have you seen the food they sell at the fair? Deep fried oreos, twinkies, ho hos and raviolis, chili dogs, corn dogs, funnel cakes, bbq, kettle corn in giant bags, Mackinac Island Fudge, dipped frosties, and any food you can put on a stick. Bring some antacids and maybe a portable defibrillator.

Eat at least one sinful thing.

You are at the fair and it only comes once a year so have at least one thing that's enjoyable like a funnel cake with whip cream and apples on top. You can make up for it by walking around and by eating the healthiest food at the fair later.

The healthiest food at the fair.

The healthiest food at the fair is probably the rice bowls with a small amount of chicken on top so look for this stand. If you are on an annoying lo carb diet I guess you can get a corn dog peel off all the corny goodness and just eat the pathetic greasy innards of the corndog.

Fair Shopping

The only thing I ever actually buy from the many infomercial pavilions at my local fair is the Mackinac Island Fudge because I have a sweet tooth. I am not as enamored of infomercial stuff as the rest of the world I guess. If you love super absorbent mops that don't work nearly as well when you get them home then fair shopping is for you. Some of the stuff you can buy at the fair are steak knives, sky chairs, furniture, hot tubs, purses, those Mexican ponchos that were so popular in 1992, stuff with wolves on them, personalized license plate frames, airbrushed t-shirts, cowboy hats, old tyme photos, jewelry, purses, metal spinning rainbow windchimes, and light up paperweights with bible verses or on them.

Try to get free info about the horse race.

If you are really lucky someone will have left one of those programs you have to buy on an empty seat. If not try to get a hold of a free paper floating around so you will at least have some idea of what is going on. (Make sure the date is right) I have tried randomly betting on horse #3 because I like the number 3. That way doesn't usually work out. Also don't bet on the double lucky superfecta if you don't know what a superfecta is. Call up your shifty uncle and ask him what it's all about.

Don't pay for seats at the race.

This isn't Guys and Dolls, there are usually free ones or you can stand. Don't pay unless you plan on spending the whole day at the races and don't care about the rest of the fair.

Don't wait in line for the concert

Don't wait in line for the concert unless you love the band and came specifically for it.
The ampetheatre very rarely gets full and even then you can usually stand in the back and grab the seats of the people who leave in the middle of the concert. (There are always people who do this.)

If you did come only for the concert bring a cushion

Those seats are hard and if you are hard core about the band you will probably go to both shows so bring a cushion. Of course if you are real fan maybe you should be standing and singing all the words to every song. Also take this into consideration. Are you coming at night or are you going to be at the fair all day. Maybe you don't want to lug a cushion with you all day. Maybe take a sweatshirt instead and use that as cushioning.

See both concerts if you can

They are usually different and sometimes the later one will have more encores or slightly more adult content (i.e. funnier if it's a comedian)

The Stage to Avoid

It used to be the farther back you go into the fair the worse the performances are now the stages are not spread out like that but there is still one to avoid. I am not sure if it has an official name but I know it as the Karaoke Stage from Heck. I suspect that it's basically a microphone left on and anyone can just come up and totally butcher a song. Unfortunately at my local fair this stage is a gazebo located right in the middle of the most shadiest, uncrowded nicest place to sit down with your lunch and its usually quiet but then just as you get comfortable some completely tone deaf nasal screechy idol reject comes up and attempts to belt out Blue Bayou. No no Karaoke stage I am not coming back some day come what may!

About the other stages

There are usually other stages spread here and there in the fair. Sitting down and watching something totally depends on how tired your feet are and your tolerance for cooking demonstrations and little girls doing clog dancing.

If you sing that badly go incognito!

These work at my county fair why not try them might at yours.

How to get in if you are young!

If you are a kid or teenager the easiest way to get in for free is to join the local 4H club. Yes years later people you know may mock you for this but it's worth it. You don't have to raise a cow either. All you need to do is attend the occasional meeting and listen to other members talk about raising a cow while you wonder how they do this since the area you live in has been all subdivisions and no farmland since approximately 1964. Some fairs don't even make you wear the hat (but take it just in case) Just show them your official 4h card.

How to get in if you are not so young!

If you are an adult get something accepted into one of the fair contests. Photography is probably the most common but you may have better chances of getting accepted if you go for something people don't do anymore like make homemade jam or do a table place setting with a theme. You could also try entering your collection of Snoopy lunchboxes. Pick up a catalogue at the fair or check the website to see what all you can enter. A word on the art, the judges sometimes have bizarre taste. Like 2 years ago the Judges special prize went to a painting of a clown. I don't remember if the clown was on velvet playing poker with green visor wearing bulldogs and the ghost of Elvis portrayed as a portly angel but a clown seriously? Was the judge trying to be ironic or something?

I wasn't sure I should put this here because I don't want everyone to get in line in front of me but here is the deal. I will tell you the secret as long as you promise to visit and click on one of the stores and peruse the merchandise. This is on the honor system but I hope you did it. Now onto the secret.

The best deal at the fair
The best deal at the fair is the 4h cake booth. If your local fair has one it's probably hidden in one of the buildings. Find it and you will be able to get dessert or a drink for a way cheaper price than any other concession stand. If you can't find a 4h stand look for another food stand run by a non profit organization staffed by volunteers.