Laughing Till Your Sides Hurt

Below is the text from the actual email that is going around. I have not found, however a book called "Disorder in the American Courts". If it exists, please leave a comment and let me know. I did find a book called "Disorder in the Court", which is featured below.

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These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ....tin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ...tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

These were printed in actual church bulletins. What a hoot!

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put
me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the
Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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1) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

2) Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

3) Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

4) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the Altar.

5) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

6) On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

7) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

8) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

9) This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

13) The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

14) Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study.

15) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

16) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

17) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

18) Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

19) Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

20) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

21) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

22) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

24) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

25) Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

26) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

27) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

28) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

29) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better.

30) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

31) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

From "Anguished English," by Richard Lederer.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to
cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just
got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock.. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

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I'm told that these are all REAL church billboards, but a couple sound more like announcements, so now doubt is cast on their authenticity. But it's worth a laugh anyway...
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David A. Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

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These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor John's sermons.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."