Germany is the answer for
depression Comedy from Germany
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Save The World's Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants would not need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
German Jokes
Some stuff on Amazon
Woodstocks International Joke Book: German/English/French/Spanish
Amazon Price: $12.95 (as of 01/06/2010) 
Brassival International Joke Book: German/English/French/Spanish
Amazon Price: $12.95 (as of 01/06/2010)
Not Until The Combine Is Paid And Other Jokes: From the oral traditions of Germans from Russia in the Dakotas
Amazon Price: $25.00 (as of 01/06/2010)
German Jokes
What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.
Belgium's national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?
The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.
Belgium's national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?
The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!
hello there
Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.
"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"
Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Ques
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"
Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Ques
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
More German
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zee Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
JUST KIDDING VEE DO NOT KNOCK!!!!
Please don't mention the warespecially No German jokes. I'm still very sensitive about all this, as my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He fell off a watch tower.
What do you call a German with a sense of humour?
- HERR-LARIOUS
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Zee Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
JUST KIDDING VEE DO NOT KNOCK!!!!
Please don't mention the warespecially No German jokes. I'm still very sensitive about all this, as my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He fell off a watch tower.
What do you call a German with a sense of humour?
- HERR-LARIOUS
Ambition
to return all outgoing to incoming
Scottish Jokes
Welsh Jokes
Irish Jokes
English Jokes
Filipino Jokes
American Jokes
Aussie Jokes
Middle East Jokes
French Jokes
International Humour
What is the German word for Bra?
Keeptwofromfloppin.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and the bartender says "sorry we don't serve breakfast !"
Lost in Translation
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian borde
r. The Italian Border Policeman stops them and tells them "It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Idiot! Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pull thata one on me!" replies the policeman. "Quattro meansa four. You hava five peoples ina your car and you are therefore breaka the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "Schweinhund! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone mit more intelligence!"
"I'ma Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
r. The Italian Border Policeman stops them and tells them "It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Idiot! Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pull thata one on me!" replies the policeman. "Quattro meansa four. You hava five peoples ina your car and you are therefore breaka the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "Schweinhund! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone mit more intelligence!"
"I'ma Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
What if
Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise
Women instead of three Wise Men ?
Women would say:
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
practical gifts.
Here's Men's rebuttal.....
Yeah, and do you know what they said would have said when they
left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the
house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
dish back?"
Women instead of three Wise Men ?
Women would say:
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
practical gifts.
Here's Men's rebuttal.....
Yeah, and do you know what they said would have said when they
left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the
house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
dish back?"
Naming of planes
There was a fund-raising event being held in the local RSA
by the local Women's Auxiliary, and the organisers had arranged for Ireland's most decorated WWII pilot to speak to the assembled ladies. He started telling the story of a mission over France and how they were being strafed by German fire. " I looked out in front of me" he said " and there was three fokkers in front, and then I looked behind me, and there was three fokkers behind me, and then I looked above me, and there was two fokkers above, and then I looked below me, and there was four fokkers below" Just then the organiser, thinking that the ladies might misunderstand, and assume the ex-pilot was swearing jumped up and said "For all those who don't know, the Fokker was a plane used by the Germans during the war" and the Irish pilot said "Yeah, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts"
by the local Women's Auxiliary, and the organisers had arranged for Ireland's most decorated WWII pilot to speak to the assembled ladies. He started telling the story of a mission over France and how they were being strafed by German fire. " I looked out in front of me" he said " and there was three fokkers in front, and then I looked behind me, and there was three fokkers behind me, and then I looked above me, and there was two fokkers above, and then I looked below me, and there was four fokkers below" Just then the organiser, thinking that the ladies might misunderstand, and assume the ex-pilot was swearing jumped up and said "For all those who don't know, the Fokker was a plane used by the Germans during the war" and the Irish pilot said "Yeah, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts"
To be remembered
Last words
3 guys die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy (a German) replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy (a German) replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Have a Nice day
A white guy named Joe falls madly in love with this bartender named Wendy, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis.
She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man.
Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?"
The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."
She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man.
Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?"
The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."
by woodygar
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