Getting Back My Ex

I figured I'd start easy. Sure, the guy usually did this to woo a girl, but why should that matter? I set my alarm for 2:30am and laid out some black dress slacks, and a frilly white shirt. When the alarm went off, I got dressed, grabbed my bag, and headed over to his house. Choosing just the right spot, I set up under his window and without tuning my guitar, (I wanted the first thing he heard to be the song, not the tun-ups!) I began to play.

It was his favorite rock tune. I think I did rather well for never having had a lesson in my life. All the neighborhood dogs seemed to agree, they sang along with me at the top of their lungs. Every house on both sides of the street seemed to have a music-loving dog. It wasn't long before people were screaming out their windows. Couldn't hear what they were shouting over the dogs, but when they began throwing stuff I knew it was a hit!

No lights came on in Michael's house though. Was he even home? I finished the song and tried two more before I decided to give up for the night. As I left I saw a couple of cop cars turn down the street. Wonder where they were heading?

Well, apparently Michael had gone out of town for a few days. He never even heard me playing the guitar! This time I would come up with something he couldn't possibly miss. And make sure his car was in the driveway when I did it!

Once again, I showed up at his house around 3am. This time I had decided to be a bit quieter and sneaky. Unzipping the plastic bag of sliced salami, I began laying it out on the hood of his car in the shape of a heart. It took more than I'd expected, there wasn't enough for our names, just the heart with an arrow. To make sure the music-loving dogs didn't eat it before he saw it, I wrapped the hood in saran wrap. What could be a better show of my love than meat on his beloved car?

Would you believe that if you leave salami on a car overnight, when it is removed it takes the paint off where it was laying? I heard Michael had to get his hood sanded down and re-painted.

Huh. I wonder what I should try next? Hey, isn't that Buster? I wonder what Michael's dog is doing wandering around. He's filthy too. I think I'll take him to get groomed before I return him, that'll show him how much I love him!

Let's see, Buster has got to be hot with all that hair. Maybe I'll have them trim him up too. St. Bernards like being trimmed in summer right? And Michael always said it cost too much to have him groomed, he'd do it himself. But I can save him the trouble. It's perfect!

After Buster got bathed and trimmed, I left him tied to Michael's porch. He should be home any minute and I just know he'll love what I had the salon do!

Well, apparently St. Bernards aren't supposed to be shaved up like a poodle. How was I supposed to know? I thought it was cute, I even had them do the pink bows in his hair and paint his toenails!

I'm going to all this trouble to make Michael see how much I love him, and all he can do is complain.

Maybe I should try something more sedentary? Perhaps he just doesn't want me to go to so much work. That must be it! Hmmm.... Oh, I can fix his MySpace for him. He was always complaining about how bad it looked. I wonder if he ever changed the password.... nope, still the same. Now let's see, what should I fix up for him.

The black background is pretty boring, let's change it to.... this blue one with all the animated glitter. Yes, much better. And that photo of him and some random girl has got to go. I don't know why he takes pictures with people he doesn't know. I still have that one of us at the beach on my computer, I'll just put that one up for him instead. It's a much better picture, and I look great in a bikini.

Now what else? Oh yes, he needs music! You're supposed to have loud music that auto-plays when you have a MySpace page, right? How about that new song by that band he likes.... And I'll turn off the controls so he can't turn it off by accident.

He always says he can't seem to get enough visitors to his website, I'll add in an auto re-direct to it. After 30seconds on the MySpace, his visitors will be dumped on his website. That should make him happy. Last thing, need to change this password. He really makes them much too easy, why anyone could come in and change his MySpace to make it look horrible!

Wow was Michael mad at me. I just don't understand it. I've tried so many things to make him happy, and all he ever does is yell at me! I'm going to give it one more try. If he still won't take me back after that, then it's his loss. But what should I do? It has to be something good. Something bigger and better than the other attempts...

Well, after re-reading my romance collection, I've found it! The thing that ALWAYS gets the guy. A kidnapping! Only, I don't really want to be kidnapped, maybe if I twist it around the other way? All I have to do is kidnap him, leave him somewhere tied up and blindfolded. Then I can come racing in and save him from the 'evil' people who did something so horrible to him. It's perfect!

First thing I need is a lot of rope. And a blindfold. That smelly liquid stuff that puts people to sleep, and a place to stash him till he wakes up and I can rescue him....

Well, that turned out terribly. I managed to kidnap him, and stash him, but sometime between going for coffee while I waited for him to wake up, and getting back with the coffee, someone else kidnapped him! It wasn't my fault I swear! How did I know that stuffing him in the dumpster by the McDonalds was a bad place to hide someone? He apparently got beaten up and robbed, someone found him laying in the middle of the street with no clothes and a huge lump on his head. Not to mention the black eye and missing teeth. Oh well, suppose it's back to the singles bar. I guess I'll file the restraining order with the others under 'M'.