Getting Past the Hate, to Have More Love

I've been reading an article in "Essence" on Black women and self-hatred.

The article states that our negativity towards each other is due partly to our conditioning, i.e. Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome. I couldn't agree more.

But this negativity does not just affect sistas. It damages brothas too. It damages our children. Its toxic effects seep into our families.

This affects people from Africa as well - witness the use of wigs and skin-bleaching creams.

Let me break it down for you: we have been taught, and mentally conditioned, to hate ourselves. The more we dislike ourselves, the more we project that dislike onto those who resemble us.

I had a student once, from the Caribbean, who told us about the fact that, when she was growing up, she was blamed for everything that went wrong in her household because she was the darkest-skinned one in the family. Of course, this happens frequently. She is certainly not the only person to have experienced this.

This is just another example of self-hatred, or PTSS.

Then I started thinking about all the negativity we put out there towards other sistas who are in the public eye - including victims of violence like Rihanna. How quick some of us are to blame the victim. For more about this, see: Hatred of Black Women.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - we need to unlearn these negative patterns and learn to love ourselves. Only by loving oneself can one learn to open one's heart and have truly supportive, loving relationships.

My work is all about solutions. It's all about healing. To find out more, read on.

This month's Ebony focuses on Black love. And it's great to see President and Mrs. Obama on the cover as an example of Black love.

What is Black love?

Ebony says: "There is enormous energy in every apology, delivered, every truth uttered, every embrace held, every abuse checked, every vow honored, every temptation resisted, every respect signified, every broom jumped, every conflict resolved, every promise kept, every hurt forgiven, every need communicated, every crisis weathered, every prayer spoken, every laugh shared, every responsibility met".

All of that sounds great as far as it goes, and very inspiring.

But we need to ask, why do we have such a high incidence of divorce and relationship breakdown?

Why are so many Black children growing up in single-parent families?

And what are the consequences of this for us as individuals? For our communities? For our children?

How can you get what you want in a relationship?

Do you have a partner who disrespects you?

Have you given up on finding that perfect person? Have you given up on love?

You don't always have to leave. Using empathy is highly effective.

Do you have trouble getting your children to do what you want?

The more you connect with someone else's feelings and needs, the more they are likely to connect with yours. This is known as "empathy" within NVC.

Nonviolent Communication contains loads of real-life examples of people using NVC to get what they want. NVC addresses the needs of everyone in the situation. To read more, see Transform Your Life with Nonviolent Communication.

I will be leading a short course at the City Lit in How to Get What You Want in Your Relationships in November. See below for the link.

I've been reading President Obama's book The Audacity of Hope. In the chapter on "Values", he emphasises the importance of empathy. Empathy simply means the ability to stand in someone else's shoes.

If you are in conflict with someone, if you are finding it difficult to see that person's point of view, it just means you need to receive more empathy yourself.

You need to feel confident and happy that you are receiving respect, consideration and appreciation, and that your feelings and needs are being taken into account. And this starts with self-empathy.

The most effective method of creating empathy I know is Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Click here to read more about NVC.

Click here for courses for the African Caribbean community in London.

Marshall says that Christians say NVC is true Christianity; Muslims say it is true Islam; Jews say it is true Judaism.

I know NVC is true Buddhism.

Another highly effective method is Buddhist meditation. You don't have to be interested in Buddhism to get the benefit of these traditional meditation practices.

In the metta bhavana practice, or development of loving kindness meditation, we start by cultivating metta for ourselves.

The metta bhavana is a very practical method of opening our hearts to ourselves and others.

The practice is done in five stages. By the fifth stage, we are cultivating metta for all living beings.

We occasionally hold introductory meditation events for the African Caribbean community at the London Buddhist Centre.

To find out more about Buddhist meditation, see What They Don't Want Us to Know. See also: The Long Kiss Goodnight.

We have so much love inside of us, which we can learn to enjoy and share.

To find out about our next events,

join Nurture Success.

We are under enormous pressure, from inside of ourselves as well as from others, to fit in with other people's expectations. Advertising tells us to buy the next product which will make us feel special, successful or loved.

We often put ourselves under pressure to "do what Black people do" or "avoid what Black people don't do".

Individuality can be a very lonely and even scary place, however.

I encourage people to be true to themselves, be authentic and consult their inner wisdom. Many of my students are afraid to go within to look for answers. We can be so concerned about what others think, and so afraid of standing out, that we ignore our intuition.

Meditation helps us to honour our inner truth. By looking within rather than without, we can become more authentic.

To read more about individuality, see The Key to Confidence.

We need to learn to love ourselves in all of our big, small, ugly, beautiful, gorgeous, loud, quiet, cool, uncool, crazy, sane, insane, soulful, unsoulful, unhappy, nappy, un-nappy, happy ways.

The more we are true to ourselves, the more we can allow others to be true to themselves.