Good Grief and You

You just don't think about this happening to you....

In an ideal world babies just don't die...they live...and grow. They smile and grin and coo, crawl and walk and learn to talk.

Babies...our children...they are a part of our lives, they are a part of us no matter whether they were here a short time or an extended time. Our love for them goes beyond the pain of death to the joy and anticipation of seeing them again...
True love never dies...
Love is the greatest of all.
True Love will bring us all together by and by.
The love I had for my Bethany was at times a blessing and a curse...but hey...I'm getting a little ahead of my story here.

It's a beautiful spring day March 26, 1983 and we are on our way to the hospital but I am not in labor...YET! I'm excited! I know I will see my baby today and yet I confess I am feeling a little apprehensive 'cause I've never had a baby before.... I comment to my husband Philip that our lives will never be the same again because very soon we will have a brand new baby! He looks at me and smiles!

The whole extended family is very excited and impatiently waiting! This is our first baby and both of our parents first grandbaby. These factors seem to add to the level of anticipation... I am glad it is actually happening since I am 2 weeks overdue. I've been pretty uncomfortable the past 3 weeks but we decided not to tell our families about the plan to induce my labor today.

We sign in at the hospital and get situated. The Doctor comes in and breaks my water and then we start walking up and down the halls to get things going. We find a room with a ping pong table and since I love to play ping pong we play a couple games. My labor progresses normally...everything is going very smoothly...contractions start getting closer and closer together.

The next thing I know at 8:44 pm I am cradling our baby in my arms for the first time.
I hear a soft cry as I gaze with wonder into my daughter's eyes for the first time.
I am ecstatic...she is sooo very perfect!

Welcome Bethany Marie!

I am a Mother...and it feels like I've just won the lottery! Look at her black curly hair...and she has so much! Oh, look...her eyes are open! It seems like only a second I hold her close to me before I reluctantly let the nurse take her so she can do what nurses do. She insists they will give her right back! If I had known then what I know now...well...it wouldn't have changed the outcome. It was a good thing I did not know this would be the one and only time I would look into her eyes and hear her gentle cries. The memory of holding her these few short minutes is a memory I will treasure until I see her again and can hold her all I want with nothing to separate us ever again.

The brand new Daddy (Philip) has already found the phone and is spreading the good news. He talks to his Mother first. She is delighted to have a granddaughter. She had 4 boys! She is also pleased to discover her first granddaughter shares her middle name, Marie. Philip tells me my parents aren't home so he is talking to my sister and his brothers.
Except...WAIT A MINUTE...is something wrong?!
The nurse is concerned...she says something is wrong....What could be wrong?!

I watch in disbelief as all of a sudden things are happening way too fast!
What did you say?
They are taking my baby to the neo-natal unit?!!
Why?!!
No one answers...
No one knows what's wrong...
But something is wrong....

A nurse comes to our room and gets Philip.
The Doctor in the neo-natal unit wants to talk to him...
I feel so alone!
I am afraid....
But surely...surely everything will be ok?
Babies don't just die for no good reason anymore!!

Philip is not gone long but it seems like an eternity....
The minute he walks through the door I know Bethany is going to die...even though he didn't say a single word yet..... I just know....

I am stunned...
I am speechless...
I am....I don't know what I am.....
I just know one thing and that's this...I do not want to accept what I know in my heart is the truth...and that truth hurts to much to even think about...that truth is my baby is not going to live!

Thoughts are swirling around in my head and it seems like I am in a really bad dream and everything is in slow motion...

Philip tells me then that something is wrong...she isn't getting "pink"....and they don't know why.... He tells they are doing everything they can to save her life...

Oh dear Lord, no!... I do not want to think about this...
I feel like I'm on a merry go round and want desperately to find a way to get off!
My body is quivering with unshed tears and unspoken emotions.
That's when I finally have the presence of mind to pray.

Together we pray Lord, please, please, please, please save our baby!
We pour our hearts out to the Father...we tell Him how much we want to keep Bethany with us...and then we pray for His will to be done...

Even though we pray for His will to be done what we really mean is Lord, don't take our baby! We just got her! We want to get to know her. We want to see her grow up, learn to walk and talk, and see her personality. We want to know who she'll look like.
Don't take her now, Lord, please don't take her now!!

Our heavenly Father knew our hearts, He heard our cries.
It seemed as if time stood still but only a few moments passed....
The nurse returned to our room to get me and Philip. They helped me into a wheelchair to go and be with my baby in the neo-natal unit. The Doctors and Nurses done all they could do but the truth remained... our baby was dying!!

Even though I didn't like it and I wanted it to be so different....
It really seemed as if God Himself spoke to me
and said, Susan, Trust Me..This is my will.
All things work together for good to those who love Me.
Trust Me, Susan...I will never leave you....

I was so anxious to see her again...
I could hardly bare the thought that our time together was just about over. Inside I was screaming...wait a minute!...wait a minute!...I do not understand!...how can this be happening?....

There she is....my sweet baby! The nurse gently hands her to me...she is so still. She is wrapped in a soft blanket. Her heart is still beating...she looks so beautiful. I know she will soon be in the presence of the God who created her. I am in awe of the privilege of holding her while she goes from my loving arms into His powerful embrace.

In just a short hour and a half our lives are completely changed....
We arrived at the hospital that morning full of hope and joy at the anticipation of seeing our firstborn baby. We returned home the following day with broken hearts and many tears knowing, understanding and believing that God had a plan...
In the following days there were times when I wasn't sure about this plan...

That's another part of the story...
Stay tuned for the next post...For the "rest of the story"....

Fathers experience at least a time or two,
Joy at the birth of a little someone new.
This particular little someone, whom he was anxious to see;
This particular little someone, whom he said would be a she!

The tears came into his eyes as he beheld her form,
This ~ his daughter ~ so perfect! This ~ his anticipated firstborn.
He saw the love, heard the delight, that was in the Mother's voice.
The crying stopped, and with open eyes, she looked at them both- REJOICE!

He examined her fingers, her ears, and her toes,
Then took a good look at her little nose,
And thought she surely, just surely, must be,
The most exquisite little someone he ever did see!

As he was exclaiming over curly, dark hair,
The nurses took her and started their care.
But, wait, what's happening? The Doctor is summoned quick-
To ICU she's rushed ~ What could be wrong? Is our little girl sick?!!!

What a shock the Father feels, not knowing what to do;
The Dr. returns to beckon, "Come with me to ICU!!"
What the Father saw in ICU this writer doesn't know;
But she saw his face on his return ~ no longer seen that special glow.

He hardly knew how to tell the Mother of his first child,
Their daughter would soon be gone ~ our hearts we must reconcile.
What he wanted to tell her was everything will be all right ~
Instead she spoke; "Let's pray! I just can't give her up tonight!"

The Heavenly Father already knew ~ what the Father did not pray,
That they indeed wanted to keep her, instead of her going away.
He knew they both could hardly think of their baby dying just yet!!
The Father, his prayer ~ "Thy will, O Lord" ~ the Mother shall not forget.

It seemed as if the angel of God then stood there in the room ~
And said "she will not live ~ I've come to take her home!"
He looked at his wife ~ a Mother heart-broken ~
And wondered what she'd think of what the angel had spoken.

The answer to his wonderings did not take long to come;
His heart swelled with love as she echoed, "Thy will, O Lord, be done."
He sat nearby the last time ~ she cradled the child tenderly to her breast,
And knew he would cherish this scene as his firstborn entered into heavenly rest.

One moment so high ~ with many hopes and dreams;
The next moment they lay shattered ~ torn apart at the seams.
The first night as they lay back at home in their bed ~
They both heard her cry echoing in their heads.

Many tears they both shed when comforting words were spoken
But, sometimes the words hurt her very deep,
Then He prayed, 'God mend this heart that's broken.'
'God help this to make us better and not bitter' they both cried ~

'Knowing all things work together for good to them that love the Lord.'
Often he marveled at the love she felt so deep;
Of the ache she expressed ~ Of this one she'd wanted to keep.
Just to have 5 minutes with her ~ sometimes she would say;

Knowing that God understood on this particularly hard day.
Time went by ~ the hurt grew lesser; but he realized it'd never go away.
She often speaks of her, and she still thinks of her each day.
Not with intense grief and pain ~ although sometimes that is the case;
But of how happy she is ~ dwelling in that Heavenly Place!

A poem that meant so much to them is one they'd like to share;
It's about trusting God ~ especially when life doesn't seem fair.
Trust Him when dark doubts assail you; Trust Him when Thy strength is small;
Trust Him when to simply Trust Him; Is the hardest thing of all.

Even now when he holds a newborn ~ so cuddly and so sweet;
He thinks of his firstborn that his heart will never forget.
Each year when they take their children and Bethany's story share;
He feels responsible to tell them how Jesus our burden did bear.

To help them know how special it is, that Bethany is in His care ~
To bind their hearts a little closer, to make them more aware ~
To tell them Jesus is what matters most--when all is said and done,
If we live for Him and do His will, we'll be together in that Heavenly Home.

Dedicated to the Father of Bethany Marie Holsinger on her 16th Birthday.
(who often felt left out)

Written by the Mother, Susan I. Holsinger and shared at Bethany's16th Birthday Party, March 26, 1999

Every year on Bethany's Birthday we visit the grave with our children.
We share memories with them and keep her memory alive in our hearts.
On the tombstone are these words and the picture of a baby ~
'daughter of Philip and Susan who cherish the memories of her few moments of life...'

I am in a wheelchair....
I am going to see my baby...
She is in the Intensive Care Unit for newborn babies.

Dr. Wolf is with us. Our wonderful nurse Cindy is with us.
I am not paying much attention to where we are going.
This is a road I did not expect to travel.

My body is here...but my mind is far away...
My heart is racing...and inside my soul is quivering and the only thing I can think of right now is what will she look like when I see her again? Will she still be alive? Will she have tubes going everywhere? Will she respond to me at all?

Dr. Wolf is telling me about Dr. Cartwright.
A part of me is listening to what he says...the other part of me is yearning for my baby.
Dr. Wolf says that Dr. Cartwright is the best baby doctor in the hospital.

God covered this base well...
If the best baby doctor in the hospital could not help her...well...the logical conclusion is that no one else could either!

Dr. Wolf says that Bethany doesn't have any tubes or machines on her. They have all been removed. He says she is still alive!

Then times just seems to stand still as the doors open with a whoosh and I see my beautiful baby girl again. She looks so peaceful and still. I wonder if she is still alive?

I cradle her gently in my arms once more and marvel how she can look so perfect in every way and yet...DIE!! The nurse is checking her heart beat...I can hear it's soft thud and feel it beating against my hand.

Gradually the beating stops...and I know my baby is gone...
I do not notice anything different except this empty hole, this heavy ache in my chest.
I feel kinda numb...like I'm kinda floating away with her.
Is this what it feels like when your baby dies?
I want to cry but it seems like my eyes forgot how to cry, too.

Cindy the nurse is crying.
She doesn't know why my baby died.
It is obvious to her how much we love and want our baby.
She sees other mothers that have babies that don't care... She says it's not fair!

It is a puzzle!
I find myself wanting to offer comfort to Cindy because I know she is taking this really hard. I also know this doesn't happen very often. When it does it makes an impact!

Dr. Wolf and Dr. Cartwright are both crying silent tears.
I feel their compassion...I know how much they wanted her to live.

I just kinda sit and think about the euphoria I felt just a short time ago....
Now I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride with no idea how to get off!
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet....and the ground is pretty shaky!

There is a room close by where we can spend some more time with Bethany.
I am still holding her... then Philip gets to hold her for the first time....
It is a bittersweet moment for him.
He looks at her hands and her feet, counts her toes, looks at her little turned up nose!
I can still see the sparkle in his eyes I saw when he looked at me after she was born and she was laid in my arms. We share a tender moment as we cling to each other for strength to get through this.

Now Dr. Cartwright is talking to us about losing a baby and divorce.
I had no idea over 90% of marriages end in divorce when a couple has lost a baby. He encourages us to find a support group so we won't become a divorce statistic. It seems kind of strange to be having this conversation when we are still holding our baby, and still trying to wrap our minds around the fact that she is not here.

It seems very strange to think that our marriage could suffer because our baby died.
My thoughts are saying...
.......this is one thing that won't ever happen! We have a good marriage.

Then I think about the thoughts I am thinking...how can one person have so many thoughts about so many different things so close together as to almost come simultaneously!!!

Dr. Cartwright is concerned that for some reason I will blame myself...
Or Philip will blame himself... Can't say as I see much sense in that right now, but who knows if I might have this trouble later? I guess this is one reason we gave our consent and said Yes to the next troubling question. It wasn't an easy choice to make...

The next question the Doctors talk to us about is whether we want them to do an autopsy. My heart recoils at the very thought. I ask myself how important is it to know why she died. We both decide that we want to know what was wrong... We think if we don't have an autopsy we will always wonder why this happened. This is one thing we can do to give us peace of mind...

Before long we are encouraged to try to get some rest...it is 11:00 pm...
I am not ready to stop holding my baby and I know I will never get tired of holding her!
We go back to the room where our joy turned to deep sadness...where we can hear the cries of other babies...and where we will start making some phone calls about what has happened in the last hour!!!

Ugh....How do you call someone and tell them your baby is born and they are happy and excited until you say... and she died or you say she only lived an hour and a half...They are in disbelief and shock!!! Not an easy thing to do at all!

We did not to call Philip's Mother until the next morning because it was late and besides that we weren't too thrilled to tell her about Bethany's death. As it ended up she didn't sleep anyway! She was so excited about Bethany's birth that she couldn't sleep. I was thankful she had one night to think about the thrill of being a Grandma....about having a little girl to hold and rock and sing lullaby songs to and do all the things Grandma's do!

We still could not reach my parents. They weren't home and no one seemed to know where they were. (These were the days before cell phones!!) My sister Sandra and her husband Dale decided to go to their house and wait for them to get home. When Sandra got there my parents had just got home. Sandra went running into the house crying and saying, "Susan had her baby and she died!"

My parents stared at her in disbelief....they thought she was saying I had died!!! They did not know our baby was a girl!! Sandra quickly told them what happened and they were very relieved to know I didn't die....and very sad Bethany did!

My parents came to see us that night in the hospital. They also went to the hospital morgue to see Bethany. It was so good to see our loved ones and the reality of what happened started to sink in a bit deeper...

The following morning I was released from the hospital and we came home.
It was Palm Sunday. It was raining and a very dreary day.
It seemed fitting considering the circumstances!
The skies were crying and so were we...

Everything was exactly as I had left it...
The bassinet and small crib sat in the corner of the babies room.
Draped over the side were the baby boy and baby girl outfits I had hand smocked.
The blanket I made was there, too.

The changing table Philip made was stocked with sleepers and diapers and baby powder and baby lotion...everything was ready for our baby....a rocking chair...baby monitor...

The babies room...intended for lots of love and laughter....now became a shrine...to the memory of the one we loved and lost.

The changing table wasn't used to change any diapers....at least not now.
Instead it became a "desk"...a place we put everything we brought home from the hospital.
The birth certificate, the 2 Polaroid pictures, two footprints (one footprint missing 2 toes!) and a growing pile of cards and some beautiful flowers.

Philip gave me a pink rose...it was symbolic of our tiny "Rosebud".
I really do like Roses but pink roses didn't ease the pain in my heart!
Pink roses didn't fill my empty arms or the deep aching void I felt.

It seemed like I was just going through the motions...
People came and went...everyone was so concerned about me...

Grieving....I don't think there is anything that really prepares a person for the intensity of grief that comes when a baby dies.

But then...that's part of "the rest of the story" I will be sharing later...

Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee
Trust Him when thy strength is small,
Trust Him when to simply Trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all.

Trust Him, He is ever faithful;
Trust Him, for his will is best;
Trust Him, for the heart of Jesus
Is the only place of rest.

Trust Him, then, through doubts and sunshine
All thy cares upon Him cast,
Till the storm of life is over
And the trusting days are past.
Author Unknown

A couple months had passed since my baby died...
I was in the kitchen cleaning up the supper dishes and singing.
(I love to sing! :))

The song I was singing was one I remember from my childhood. It was on an old 45 record my Dad used to have. The song was written about a little girl who had lost her Daddy and she was asking her Mommy...how far is Heaven?

I do not remember the words to the actual song but I do remember the chorus.
Tonight I made up my own words.
They went like this...

How far is Heaven?
Please take me there....
To see my Bethany...
She's there, I know.....

How far is Heaven?
Let's go tonight....
I want to hold....
My Bethany tight....

Oh how I did long at times to hold her tight!!! If only for five minutes!
This feeling was very real....even though I knew she was in Heaven with Jesus.

It brought comfort to my heart to know that Jesus understood....
He understood my pain...
He understood my Mother heart and why I longed to hold my baby tight.

And I was comforted...

I felt His comforting presence and His gentle reminders when He spoke to me of a blessed time in the future when I will get to hold my baby tight.... forever!
To know that He understood helped me keep moving forward through the pain of not getting to hold her tight.

It was just a little song...but it expressed my deep heartache and pain...
I felt relieved to express my pain in this way...and did not think it was strange or presumptuous to wish I could hold Bethany again for just 5 minutes.

I knew Jesus understood...
He still understands today...

There is no shame in expressing exactly how you feel to Him...
Because He understands....and if you let Him...
He will heal your hurting heart and pour in the oil of comfort and consolation.

You do not have to suffer in silence...
You do not have to feel alone....

You do have choices....
You can choose to talk to someone who has experienced this deep heartache.
You can choose to work through this and experience the joys of life again.

You can find comfort and meaning in an experience that has left you bruised, shattered and broken. Misery is optional... Others have experienced what you have experienced.

I am one who had this experience, too... just like you...
I often wished for someone I could share with who understood my thoughts and feelings.
That's one of the reasons you are reading this...because I care about what's happening in your life. I know how painful this can be.

If you feel misunderstood and you feel no one wants to talk about this anymore; I am here for you. If you'd like to create special memories in tribute to your baby, I am here for you.
Feel free to contact me @ susan.holsinger@gmail.com for a free consultation.
Please put in the subject line "I want a Free Consultation"
We can move forward from there...

Ps. I found the song and am including a link where you can listen to it.
http://blip.fm/SusansSongs?page=2
Please copy and paste this link into your browser.
This song is By Kitty Wells and called "How Far is Heaven?"

A gift was given to me after my baby died... a beautiful saying cross stitched and framed....

It said, Jesus Loves Me, Now I know...
In His arms He's told me so...

What a beautiful thought to my grieving heart....
To know that if I couldn't hold my baby in my arms that Jesus was holding my baby in His arms. What better place could anyone be than in the arms of Jesus?!

Is there anything better to know and experience than the pure, true love of Jesus?

I love thinking about the heavenly city.
I can see my baby there...happy and healthy and whole...

In that beautiful city of pure gold where the streets are like unto clear glass.
The foundations are garnished with all manner of precious stones.
Jasper, Sapphire, Chalcedony, Emerald, Sardonyx, Sardius, Chrysolyte, Beryl, Topaz, Chrysopasus, Jacinth, Amethyst

The 12 gates are made of pearl..
The Heavenly city has no need of the sun or the moon or the stars because the Glory of God lightens it and Christ Himself is the light thereof...

There is a pure river of the water of life that is clear as crystal...
In the midst of the street is the Tree of Life...which has 12 different fruits...
There is no night there...

Then it says this......and they shall see His face...
In this awesome beautiful place...in this city of wonders...in Heaven!

They shall see His face...
Pretty hard to wish for my baby to come back here when she has all this!

There are many wonders here on this Earth....
....but when they are compared to Heaven....

Well, in my opinion, Heaven wins every time.

I am thankful my baby is in this beautiful place...
Jesus loves me...
Now I know...
In His arms...
He's told me so...

Held in His arms is the best place to be...
Held in a Mother's arms is the next best place to be!

Throughout eternity...

The baby's room... it is empty...
As empty as my arms since my baby died.

But wait....
It's not totally empty...

The small cradle is still here.
The rocking chair sits quietly in the corner.
The changing table has sleepers, diapers, burp rags, lotion, wet wipes..

The changing table also has a basket of cards we have received since our baby died.
I see the two pictures of Bethany that were taken while she was alive.
The autopsy report is here.
The pink rose Philip gave me is dried up now.
The pictures we took at the funeral home are here...

The only thing missing is our baby...
......and ME...

It is too painful to come to this room right now...
....but I don't want to put everything away either!
To put everything away would be like pretending my baby didn't die!

So....what to do about this?

When our baby died and there was so much talk about couples who experienced this getting divorced and joining support groups, well, I made a decision. This decision got me through some real tough times.

Not wanting to go into our baby's room was a tough time!

The decision was simply to accept what it was I was thinking and feeling and work through it. To not try and figure out why I was thinking or feeling in a certain way because I may not ever know why I was thinking or feeling a certain way.

I did not know until later...actually much later, this decision gave me permission to mourn for my baby... This decision helped me to keep moving forward because I didn't have any preconceived ideas or notions on how things needed to look. This decision helped me to face the reality of what I was thinking and feeling...not live in a dream world acting as if this never happened.

The truth was it really hurt to go into the baby's room...
It didn't go away for quite awhile....seems like 3-4 months...

As time passed it got much easier....
What you may find strange is that until now I have not ever shared this experience with anyone other than my husband!!

Grieving is just kinda like that! It's a challenge to really share what you are thinking and feeling. Somehow I felt so vulnerable....I had no idea how to grieve for my baby!!! There wasn't really anyone to talk to who understood....who had walked the same path I was walking. Hmmm...maybe a support group would've been a good idea?!

Not sure I would've shared this with them
I wanted to share it with you so you can see you are not alone in your grief!
You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings....
Maybe the circumstances are different...but what unites us is the love we have for someone we did not get to keep here as we expected to.

I understand what it's like to grieve for a baby....for something so precious...

I am here for you...
Just an email or a phone call away...
Susan.holsinger@gmail.com
765-379-3722

This question invariably pops up in normal conversations.
"How many children do you have?"

To many people this question is not a cause for any concern.
For those whose baby dies it presents a bit of a predicament...

When this question came up I used to answer it in various ways for various reasons.
Now I answer this question the same way and go on from there.

The quandary in my mind with this question...
Sometimes I would say "We have 5 living children"....
But that made the person I was talking to uncomfortable.
They knew there was something I wasn't saying and they weren't sure what to say.
I mean...was it possible I had other children that were....well....dead?!

Sometimes I would say "We have 6 children; 5 here and 1 in Heaven".
This made the person uncomfortable, too...
They still didn't know what to say!!
They were shocked that I said such a thing and not expecting to hear this at all!

Sometimes I would say "We have 5 children"...
Then I would kick myself mentally for not acknowledging Bethany.
Somehow it seemed I denied she even lived when I said that!!

If I said "Our first baby died"...people would be instantly sorry and somehow it seemed I was just asking for an expression of sympathy!!

This is only a partial list of the many conversations about this question and the way I answered this question.

I'm glad to say I finally learned how to answer this question to my satisfaction! The question of "how many children do you have?" doesn't bother me anymore because I finally decided to just say it like it is and whatever happens happens!

When someone asks me this question now I simply say...
"We have 6 children."

NOT we had 6 children...
We HAVE 6 children!

To you...this might seem a small thing...but to me it was a big deal.

Yes! "We have 6 children!!" (One of them just happens to be in Heaven!!)

If the conversation continues and I share about Bethany it is ok. I find that as long as I am ok with talking about it other people are ok with me telling them about it.

If you happen to be a grieving grandparent...
please,
please,
please .....
Include the baby who died, or the child who died, when you share with others how many grandchildren you have. I know it is not intentional for you to leave them out...
I just want to share that it deeply hurts the Mother when these children are not "counted" and not "recognized" as being a valuable part of your family.

When you willingly step up and say "We have ____ grandchildren and the Mother or Father hears you they will be so happy that you remember and carry the memory of your child in their hearts, too.

When a child or baby dies...it is very important to remember them.
Acknowledge them when you tell others how many children you have.
Acknowledge them when you tell others how many grandchildren you have.

I guarantee this will make a Mother's day sparkle (Father's, too)
because someone remembered her baby!

Coming soon...Products to help you work through the process of grieving in a positive way and helping you create good memories of your baby or grandchild!

My thoughts go back in time... to the intense time of grieving for my baby after she died. As the days passed the reality of grieving hit me and it was very intense and very real.

I did not cry all the time...
I was not even sad all of the time...
My day would be going along great and then... Bam! Something would trigger a memory. Sometimes it was a thought....sometimes it was a word spoken by another...sometimes I did not know what sparked it...

....and I would be crying my eyes out!!!

When this happened the first few times I didn't think too much about it.
But it kept happening and I realized that intense moments of grief are a normal part of the grieving process. I noticed as the days and months passed these intense moments did not happen as frequently.

When an intense moment of grief happens to you don't be too alarmed or think something is really wrong with you. Continue to work through whatever it is you are thinking and feeling. Share your thoughts with someone who understands. Get into action after the intense moment passes and create a meaningful memory that brings a smile to your face when you think of this memory in future days.

Just know it is okay to have these times! Give yourself permission!
Even after 26 years.... I still have a few of these times. And it's okay!!
(This happens mostly when someone I know has an experience similar to mine.)

You are not alone....others have experienced grief, too. These intense times have a way of really getting your attention! They are not easy to ignore.
I am here to help you and encourage you to hang in there...

Life....even when we don't really care sometimes what is happening around us life just has a way of pulling us along and make us want to live again...
....even when our world stops for awhile as we try to make sense of it all!

Do not ignore these intense moments and act like nothing is happening...
If you ignore your grief now you only postpone it to a later time.
If you don't allow yourself to grieve for your baby now there will be a time when you do.
Because grief like this cannot be ignored...

Embrace the intense moments... you will find healing and comfort for your wounded soul.

Postscript from Jordan

Jesus loves me ~ now I know,
In His arms He tells me so;
Here with the angels and saints gone before,
Singing and praises ring out Heaven's door.

In this beautiful city that's made of pure gold,
This beautiful city where we never get old ~
I can't feel your sadness ~ I'm so happy here,
I can't feel your pain ~ I can't see your tears.

I don't know how you long at times
to hold me in your arms,
When you behold a new little one
and discover all their sweet charms.

I can't feel the ache that burns within ~
When you think of the things I can't be;
But one thing now I know, is ~
Jesus ~ yes, Jesus loves me!

I want you to let Jesus comfort and strengthen you
when you're troubled and distressed ~
He knows exactly what you need
to keep following Him the best!

This is a wonderful experience,
I've seen such spectacular things.
I'm looking forward to your coming,
Then we all can sing ~
Jesus loves me ~ now "We" know.

Written in remembrance of Jordan Lee Skiles on the
occasion of his 1st birthday by Susan I. Holsinger. Dec. 1999

Jordan was born with severe birth defects. He had a soft, skin covered head (no skull), nose and ears, but no mouth. He died 15 min. before birth.

At some point in the grieving process you may wonder if your baby will grow up in Heaven.
It may be only a short while before this question comes up for you.
It may be after the first anniversary of your babies death.
You may not think of it for a long time.

The reason this question may come up is a period of time has passed...
You think about what your baby will look like another year older...
You look at other babies and watch what they are doing and know if your baby lived they would be doing these things, too.
You watch other babies grow up that were born the same time as your child.

Do babies grow up in Heaven?
I don't know....
Even after 26 years and trying to imagine what my Bethany would look like...in my mind she is still a baby... I still see her and think of her as a baby.

There are moments when I think about how different things would be to have a 26 year old daughter....and dream about what that would be like....

In my mind...I still see her as my baby!
Most of the time as my baby that did not get to "grow up".

The conclusion I came to was this...
It didn't really matter to me one way or another....
I know I will be so happy to see her again...
It just won't matter!

What a glad reunion day....
What a joyous day that will be!
My Rose is blooming there for me...

Most of the time when you go to the hospital it is to see a new baby, to see someone who has had surgery and recovering, or to see someone who is battling a disease and is getting treatment. We take bouquets, cards and gifts of cheer.

Sometimes you go to the hospital because someone you care about is very sick and not expected to live very long. Sometimes you go because someone has been in a bad accident and they are in critical condition. We go in a hurry...just to be there with our friends. Sometimes we might have the presence of mind to take something along.

Tonight we went because my friends daughter is in very critical condition. Today her daughter was diagnosed with a severe form of cancer that is very aggressive. We did get to see her. She is on the ventilator because she couldn't breathe. She has a pic line in the vein in her neck. Her fever was 102 when we left...

Not a pretty picture....
Yet...the Mother says this is a "Heartache with Hope"!

A "Heartache with Hope" to those who believe in Heaven...no matter what happens...there is glorious hope...not only in the here and now but in the hereafter.

It's a Heartache to watch your child suffer and go through any trial.
It's a Hope to think of that beautiful city whose builder and maker is God...

Our special prayer for you tonight is this...
O Dear Lord...
We come to you today with a Heartache we know you can heal...
You have felt the same...
We come today with a Hope that is real....
That is why you came...
Bless all Thy dear children who bring only a groan...
When the Heartache is heavy and they can only moan...
Give them a glimpse of the Hope they can trust...
Be with them Father..their Spirit to Bless..
Heal them, Help them, Strengthen them...through this "Heartache with Hope"!
In Jesus name... Amen

Your world has been turned upside down!

Your mind is filled to the brim with thoughts and feelings.

You have not ever experienced anything like this happening before...

People start calling or coming to see you.
They send cards and letters and do various things to let you know they are thinking of you.
I believe people really do want to comfort you.

But sometimes the words they say are not a comfort at all.
Sometimes they really hurt and leave you with more questions than you had before.
Sometimes you wonder how they can say the things they do.
Sometimes it is your very close family that says things that are like a knife to your heart.

Here are a few examples:
"I know just how you feel."
The strange thing is they haven't had this experience so how can they say they know "just how you feel"?
"This is God's will."
Imagine how it is if everyone you talk to says this! Even when you believe it is God's will when many people say this and you hear it over and over and over you just feel like you get beat over the head with this thought until you don't want to hear the words again!
"You can have more children."
Who can think about more children when you are in shock and pain and grieving for the child you can not hold in your arms any longer?
"Just get over it."
"Just snap out of it!"
These two are kinda the same. How can you just get over something that has totally changed your world? This isn't something you just snap out of!
"Life goes on."
Yes, life does go on...but right now you aren't thinking about the future...the pain is too great...

Here are 3 ways to help you deal with words that hurt.
1. Remember the person who is talking is hurting too.
2. Remember they do not want to hurt you more than you are already.
3. Do not allow yourself to hold on to these words that hurt...and cause you even more pain.

The goal here is to become better...not bitter.
I know words can hurt....
It really helped me when I understood others were dealing with pain, too.
Others wanted to help and console me not realizing the words they said could hurt so bad.
It was up to me to decide whether I could let go of these hurtful words and continue to heal and work my way though this consuming pain or to lash out in my pain and become a bitter person disillusioned with life and the joy that life is.

You get to decide...which will you choose?

You are going through a great time of sadness....
A time of grief like you've never experienced before..

Make a copy of this article and give it to your friends and family so they can help and support you.

Some great ways to start a conversation with someone who is grieving after the death of a child or for someone whose baby dies. Good questions allow you to offer comfort simply by listening... Reach out in compassion and love at this very vulnerable moment your friend is going through.

Here are a few caring questions you can ask your loved one who is grieving the loss of a baby or child...

Do you want to share what happened?
How can I best support you right now?
Are you afraid?
What is it about this situation that concerns you the most?
How are you doing at night...are you able to sleep?
Are you afraid to be alone or is that going ok?
How are you getting along during the day?
How can I best pray for you?

There are also practical questions that can really help a person who is grieving to function. This is not where you ask what they need....they probably don't know! A grieving persons mind is consumed with grief and when asked if they need anything they will say they don't. The best rule of thumb is to be specific yet practical.

Would you like for me to come and just be there with you?
May I pick your children up or take them to the park for awhile?
Is there anyone you would like for me to call for you?
Would you like me to be here to answer the phone for you?
May I bring some clean clothes to the hospital for you?
Would you join me for Thanksgiving? (or any holiday)
What time can I bring dinner for you?
May I pick up some groceries for you?
Do you need ____________ from the store?
May I gather some pictures together for you to create a memory board?
May I pick you up for lunch?

The idea is to look into your friend and loved ones life and see what you can do to ease the every day duties she or he is carrying and do what you can to lighten that load.

Sometimes it is enough for you to just be there...to listen and cry with them.
Sometimes it is enough to provide a meal...
Sometimes it is enough to pray silently and even out loud with them...

Do not assume silence is golden about what happened ...
Do not assume that just because you think a particular thing would help you that it will help your friend and loved one because it may not.

Follow what your heart is telling you to do...and pray your friend and loved one will be comforted and their pain and loss will be easier to bear because you care.

Will it Ever Go Away?
Psalm 30:5
...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning...

Part 1
Will it ever go away? This grief inside my heart?
Will it ever go away? This pain that really smarts?
Sing 1st Chorus

Will it ever go away? At times the grief intense.
Will it ever go away? I'm left with no defense.
Sing 1st Chorus

Will it ever go away? Immense longing I feel.
Will it ever go away? My hurting heart to heal?
Sing 1st Chorus

Will it ever go away? Memories that bring pain.
Will it ever go away? So I can love again.
Sing 1st Chorus

Will it ever go away? The tears so quickly come . . .
Will it ever go away? O' Lord, please take me home.
Sing 1st Chorus

1st CHORUS
No, My precious Child, it won't ever go away.
Time and trusting me will lesson all your pain
"Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning"
I will make you whole again.

Part 2 to be sang after first 5 verses are sang with 1st Chorus

Part 2
I will make you whole again. Your grieving heart will heal.
I will make you whole again. Comfort your pain that's real.
Sing 2nd Chorus

I will make you whole again. Intense grief will be past.
I will make you whole again. Giving you Faith that lasts.
Sing 2nd Chorus

I will make you whole again. Visions of Heaven so clear.
I will make you whole again. Sweet memories grow year by year.
Sing 2nd Chorus

I will make you whole again. The love in your heart deep.
I will make you whole again. Your tears bring joy and peace.
Sing 2nd Chorus

I will make you whole again. I still have work for you
Others will need encouragement When they share this path too!
Sing 2nd Chorus

2nd Chorus
"Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning"
I will make you whole again.

Written by Susan I. Holsinger
© by Susan I. Holsinger
March 31, 2003
Composed March 31, 2003

I was thinking about Eric and Rachel Metzger and the life of Kimberly Grace, their daughter who died from cancer. She lived 8 months. I have been asked this question many times by Mothers who have a little one in Heaven.

Life happens...

From the very earliest memory there are things in life that just seem to happen.
Most of the time there is no reason why certain things happen...it is just a part of life.

We make many choices as we get older that can have an affect on what happens tomorrow but when death happens....well we would not ever choose death.

Richard Bach said
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly..."

A caterpillar is just a worm...often it is an ugly worm.
It is not a thing of beauty or hope.

At times this is the way we look at death... when a baby dies the hurt goes way down deep. It is like an aching throb that doesn't ever really go away.

So how does a person create beauty when faced with the death of a child?
How does a person go on when they feel like their world has been turned upside down?
When they realize their world will not ever be the same again...

One of the best ways I have found is to start looking for the butterfly to appear...
Start looking for the good things that have come from this tragedy.
Count your blessings...
Talk to others who have experienced something similar.
Where did they find their "butterfly"?
Perhaps this will help you find yours.

Perhaps they found their butterfly when they planted a tree in memory of their little Angel.
Perhaps they found their butterfly in writing down their thoughts and feelings.
Perhaps they found their butterfly in planting a memory garden.
Perhaps they found their butterfly in reaching out to others.
Perhaps they found their butterfly in creating a trust fund.
Perhaps they found their butterfly in attending a support group.
Perhaps they found their butterfly in a special symbol that is a unique tribute to their loved one...like a teddy bear, a rose, other types of flowers, a tractor, a car, a baseball, a song, a butterfly, a rainbow, a bird....or other special things of significance. This symbol speaks to them of their loved one in many ways. For me that symbol is a pink rose.

When the heart is hurting it can be a real challenge to find your butterfly...
To create something beautiful when this event has left you feeling vulnerable along with an aching heart.

There is a process through which a Caterpillar must go through to become a Butterfly.
First it is born, it grows, and then it creates a cocoon and goes to sleep while the magic happens when it will emerge as a beautiful Butterfly.

Grieving can be similar to this deep sleep a cocoon goes through.
The choice is ours whether we will emerge again into life as a beautiful Butterfly.

We can choose to stay a worm.... wallowing in self pity and saying woe is me, or why did this have to happen to me, or it's all my fault...yada yada...
OR
We can emerge from this trial and pain as a beautiful picture of life and hope choosing to create meaningful memories and count the blessings and lessons we learned because of what happened.

Taking personal responsibility for our thoughts and actions can be a bit daunting at times.
It is within your power to create whatever you want to create out of what happened to you.
What will you create?

Will you be content to be a Caterpillar?
Will you choose to be a Butterfly?

When someone you love becomes a memory...the memory becomes a treasure...

As the fog of grief starts to lift memories bring great joy instead of intense pain.

Life just has a way of giving us the desire to live again...
Even when we think we just don't want to go on!
Other babies are born, people get married, we go on vacation, birthdays are celebrated, we attend reunions, participate in church activities, gather at social functions, congratulate graduates, have Christmas fun, experience Thanksgiving blessings, anticipate Easter hope.....

Before we know it we are being a participant in these activities instead of a bystander.

Unless...you are choosing to punish yourself for living again...
Why would you do this to yourself?
Punishing yourself will not change what has happened.
Punishing yourself will not bring your baby or child back.
Punishing yourself will keep your feelings locked inside as you push your hurt deeper and deeper inside as you play the blame game of it all being your fault.

This list could go on and on...
Wouldn't you rather remember the good times?
Wouldn't you rather treasure the memories and moments instead of becoming a bitter, critical fault finding person who just goes through the motions of life?

You may never know or understand why this tragedy happened...
Is that ok?

In spite of the why's you ask yourself...spend time remembering.
Remember the moments you shared together.
What made them so special?

Remember the special smiles of love and the tender hugs and prayers....
Remember the teddy bears and baby dolls...
Remember the dimples and the curls...
Remember the fun places you went together...
Remember the things your baby liked....
Remember the first step...or when your child crawled...
The sweet baby coo's and giggles...

When you do this...the memory of your baby becomes a treasure no one can take from you!

Precious Memories...how they linger...
How they ever flood my soul...
In the stillness of the midnight....
Precious sacred scenes unfold...

Picture courtesy of
http://www.wordle.net/

WANTED ~ Dead or Alive...
I'll do this or Die trying...
Dead Serious...
Deader than a doornail...
you're gonna die if you _________...
If you do that again I'm gonna kill you....

Many times these sayings are made in a jesting, teasing way...
To someone who has experienced what it feels like to lose a part of yourself when someone they love dies these sayings are not funny!

I mean if it's "Dead or Alive" we prefer Alive...Thank you very much!!

If it's about dying trying we would prefer more opportunity to keep trying...if that means LIFE! Death happened...it caught us unaware and off guard...we would do everything possible to have our loved one here....

To be dead serious triggers the thought of death to us...
Besides that if you are dead serious it's pretty serious. Death is not something we like to think about or be reminded about because it can bring a lot of pain!!! We prefer LIFE!! WE don't want anything dead...not even serious!

Deader than a doornail...
Know it's just a saying...and it has a seed of truth in it. We understand that when someone dies...it's final...the reality becomes more clear to us every day.

You're gonna die.... or I'm gonna kill you...
Many times spoken lightly and as a threat to make someone do what we want or not do what we don't want. However...to someone who has loved and lost these words are very hurtful. How can anyone tease about death...or even make a threat about dying??

These are just a few examples of "trigger words" that can bring up unpleasant memories for someone whose baby dies...

Speak words of life...
Speak words of love...
Speak words of compassion...
Speak words of understanding...

Listen with your heart...
This will help ease the pain of separation that death brings and the intensity of grieving that comes when death happens...giving us time to come to grips with life...and death, too.

Dedicated to Bruce and Rita Turner whose son Justin died in a car accident at age 16.
By Susan Holsinger ~ August 10, 2002

My heart is breaking, O Lord ~
The hurt goes way down deep ~
My soul is distressed;
My mind is perplexed;
And I can't sleep . . .

The brittle thread of life was broken.
It's happened many times I know ~
The death angel visited,
This parting so final,
O Lord, I miss him so!

Questions, Questions, Questions ~
So many run through my mind.
No easy answers,
My soul feels numb,
Lord, where is the peace I desire to find?

No previous experience prepared me
For this grief that is so intense.
Time seems to stand still,
Wrestling with Thy will,
Faith in Thee my only defense.

In 1John 4:18 I'm reminded that
"Perfect love casts out fear".
I feel so weak,
Thy blessing I seek,
As I look to Thee through my tears.

Take away this "fear that brings torment".
Perfect love, O Lord, give to me.
Comfort my soul,
Again make me whole,
Triumphant in this trial allowed to be. Amen

Today I Can . . .
Author Unknown

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or . . . I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or . . . I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchase wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health . . . or I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or . . . I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or . . . I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or . . . I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or . . . I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or . . . eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or . . . I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body, and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. Here I am, the sculptor who gets to do all the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me.

I get to choose what kind of day I will have.

One night I was visiting with a Mother whose child was killed in a tractor accident. A year or two had passed since my baby died... We were sharing from the heart when she asked me a question that caught me by surprise. She asked if I think about my baby Bethany every day.

At first I kinda stumbled around and wasn't sure what to say because I hadn't thought about whether I think of my baby every day or not. As you can imagine the very next time I thought of my baby Bethany I remembered her question.

To my amazement I found that not only did I think of Bethany every day but I thought of her many times throughout the day. To think I had not even realized I was thinking of her really opened my eyes to some truths I'd like to share with you.

1. Mother's think about their children no matter where they are.
2. Precious memories of happy times, sad times, good times & bad times
are kept in a Mother's heart to treasure forever.
3. A Mother who experiences the death of a child does not always think sad thoughts.
4. The thoughts of a Mother after her baby dies does not always bring intense grief.
5. A child is carried in the bosom of a Mother no matter how big or small, no matter
how old or young, tiny or tall.
6. Once you are a Mother...your heart will never be the same again...
your children are an extension of you.
7. The word Mother has the word "other" in it. Once you are a Mother your heart
thinks of the "others" in your life who are precious...and does what she can
to make a difference in the lives of those she loves.

There are many more things that could be written here...
It is enough to say that I think of my sweet baby Bethany as often as I do my other children. She is such a special part of my life. She truly is "My Little Angel"

She is my rose....she is blooming there for me...
She is only a thought away...
She blessed my life just because she was here for a short time...
I feel her spirit with me in many ways...

Because I am... A MOTHER...

Mothers do think about their children...
They want what's best for them...
They dream and plan for them...
They accept them for who they are...
They encourage them to be more than they see they are...
They are their child's biggest cheerleader...
They believe they can do anything they choose to do...
When it's time they give them wings so they can fly...

It's all in a days work for a MOTHER!
As you go about your day some memories may bring laughter, some may bring joy, and some may bring pain. Just remember this...the way you look at what has happened in your life is a choice. You get to choose whether it will make you better...or bitter. To choose whether this is a blessing or a curse...

One last thought...
A blessing is a tiny explosion of JOY detonated by God...it ripples through the heart and showers the mind with divine light and hope.

The blessing is what I want for you....this tiny ripple of JOY that keeps going on and on and on...creating the light and hope that is yours for the asking.

Life is full of many moments....many magical moments.

When I see a pink rose I have a Magical Moment.
A Magical Moment happened the day I became a Mother.
A love so pure, so powerful, so protective welled up within me.

This Magical Moment was the day I learned what true love is.
This Magical Moment was the day I learned that roses have thorns.
This Magical Moment was the day I learned that true love involves sacrifice.

This Magical Moment when I became a Mother was a very brief Magical Moment.
A short hour and a half later my baby died...and I wondered if I had only dreamed this Magical Moment or if it had really happened???

I was in shock!
I was in disbelief!
I was in tears!
The ecstasy of giving birth to our sweet baby turned to sobs of grief and pain.

And yet...the message of a Pink Rose made an impact on my heart.
A Rose...such a picture of beauty and perfection and all that is good...
The reality and discovery that a rose has thorns came crashing into my troubled heart...

Thorns...
Thorns can really distract a person....and they can cut deeply into the heart that has been wounded. For a time you can only see the thorns of grief and pain...it takes some time before you begin to see the beauty of a Rose again...

Roses have thorns...
A few of the thorns in my rose...
I wanted to keep my baby...but my baby died.
I wanted to know what my baby would look like when she grew up...
I wanted to cuddle and hold her...
I wanted to listen to her giggle and talk and sing...
I wanted to celebrate birthdays with her...
I wanted to see her graduate and get married...
I wanted to share my life with her...
I still want her to be remembered...

Thorns have Roses...
The Blessings and Beauty of Pink Roses...
A rose reminds me I will carry her in my heart forever...
A rose tells me she is perfectly healed, healthy and whole...
A rose is a picture of the pure love I have for her...
A rose in full bloom gives me the message she is blooming there for me...
A rose may wilt and fade but true love never dies...
A rose reminds me of the reality of eternity...
A rose speaks to me of the peace acceptance brings...
A rose brings me joy because I know where my baby is...

What is it that brings a Magical Moment to you?
Perhaps it is a butterfly or a daisy...a teddy bear or race car...
What is it that reminds you of your loved one?
What is it that brings special memories and happy thoughts when you see it?

I really don't remember choosing a pink rose. It just kinda happened over time.
As healing takes place in your heart I wonder what it will be that will
bring you special memories and happy thoughts?

I share pink roses as a special tribute to the one whose death helped me understand what's really important in life. Big houses, fancy cars, things money can buy aren't what's really important in life. It's the people in our lives who are important. Our sons, our daughters, our Mothers, our Fathers, our Grandparents, our Grandchildren, our Families...

What's important in life is You...is every person...
That's why it's important you know that Roses have a very important Secret...

The secret of the Rose... is LOVE...

Sometimes things happen in life that are unexpected. Tragic things. Things we have no control over. Circumstances and happenings that have an impact on the whole community.

I grew up in a community where there is a religious group that does not have cars. They drive horse and buggies. A respected elder and minister was on his way home recently when the buggy he was driving was hit by an elderly man in a pickup truck going 55 mph. In a brief moment he exchanged time for eternity...and his family is left to pick up the pieces and go on.

The community was shocked and saddened by this event. A large crowd supported the family at the funeral. It's such a shock to everyone when there are no goodbyes. Just an empty spot at the table...a preacher whose message dwells only in the hearts of those who listened.

A week later another tragedy shook this small community.
The night was stormy...the rain came down in torrents...lightning streaked through the night sky... One of those bolts of lightning made direct contact with a house. Inside this house lived a Dentist, his wife, a son and a daughter. The miracle is the dentist made it out alive. His wife and children perished in the fire.

The community was more than in shock...they were stunned! How do you even know what to say at a time like this?! How do you comprehend the magnitude of this kind of loss? When the dentist went to bed that night he had a wife and 2 children. He had a house, clothes, a car. In a moment...in a flash...they were gone...everything was gone! Grandparents that cherished their grandchildren...now the grandchildren are gone...they are not here physically to love and cherish. Their memories live on in the hearts of those who love them.

The reason I am sharing this with you today is to impress upon you how precious today is. We have no promise of tomorrow. We expect tomorrow to come and we even anticipate it coming. However, we have no promise we shall see tomorrow.

It's so easy to just go through the motions of life. We get so comfortable in the everyday happenings of life they almost seem ho-hum and hum-drum.

My challenge to you today is to make the most of TODAY...
Live today like there is no tomorrow...
Then there will be no regrets when the circumstances of life happen...when the unexpected happens.

Take more pictures...
Listen to a child...
Light a candle at dinner time...
Sing a silly song with your children...
Call just to say "I love you"...
Send a note that says I am thinking of you...
Say Thank You to someone who you take for granted...
Take a walk in the park...
Smell the roses...
Forgive yourself...
Forgive others...
Play a game...
Slow down...
Make memories...

TODAY is a gift... open with thanksgiving and live it with joy!
It is then you will treasure the "present" of TODAY!

There are times in the grieving process that it feels like there are no choices. It's easy to fall into a victim mentality and just kind of go along with the flow when your heart is breaking and sorrow is heavy. It's easy to become content with going through the motions of life...not really living life to it's fullest when death has visited our home.

Neale Donald Walsch said this...

Begin Quote:
"I believe...
....that no one does anything they do not want to do.

You always have a reason -- and usually, a pretty good one --
for doing what you are doing and choosing what you are
choosing. Be careful not to convince yourself that you are
doing something against your will. Such a thing is impossible.

Therefore, be honest with yourself as to why you are choosing
to do a particular thing. Then, do it gladly, knowing that you
are always getting to do what you want. The statement "I have
no choice" is a lie. You can choose. You simply do not prefer
the alternatives available to you, for whatever reason. So you
select the outcome that you most prefer. Isn't that power? " End quote

You probably already know why I like this message...
Choice... it's something I am passionate about!

We make many choices every day. Some choices we make consciously.
Many, many choices we make unconsciously or without thinking.
Not making a choice is a choice!!

The question to a grieving parent is this: If the death of your child has left you feeling depressed, downcast, with no hope, alone and helpless, what are you choosing? Are you choosing to be a victim with a "poor little ole me" mentality? I call this PLOM disease.

A victim mentality will keep you trapped where there seems to be no way out.
That's why I like the word choice.
The truth of the matter is you have a choice.
You can take action today and create beautiful meaning out of any tragedy or happenstance in life. This is the high road! It is not always easy. No path is always easy.

The low road is drudgery, no hope, bitter feelings, why me attitude, isolation and frustration. The choices you make are so important.
Do not fall into the blame game trap.
Do not allow yourself to have a victim mindset.

Choose to be responsible and life will be good...no matter what happens!
Love and blessings,
Susan

Memories . . . isn't it strange what you remember sometimes?
I remember quite vividly sitting in a room holding my baby who had just died and the doctor talking to my husband and I about some important things. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that even though I was a Mother I had no baby to take home. The doctor made a statement that totally blew me away!!

He said . . . "I want you to know that 95% of marriages end in divorce when the parents have experienced the death of their child!" He went on to say the divorce rate was higher for this category than any other reason people get a divorce.

I'm telling you....that was not comforting . . . not comforting at ALL!
I was so thankful I still had my husband . . . I thought he was one person above everyone else who would understand!! Until the Doctor said this! Then I wasn't sure! I had doubts! I had fears! Would no one understand?! Would my marriage end in divorce even though we had a good marriage?

We did have a rough patch...a time about 4 months after our baby died we found ourselves grouching at each other and saying hurtful things. We were both miserable! We finally sat down one evening for a heart to heart talk and discovered nothing was really "wrong". It was just a part of the grieving process!

I'd like to share 10 things with you that has made a difference in our marriage.
Just because your baby died doesn't mean your marriage has to end in divorce.

10 Commandments for Married Couples

1. Love each other as you love yourself. Always put your mate first.
Give 100% ~ marriage is not 50-50.

2. Be kind and considerate of each other.

3. Remember special days.

4. Forgive each other as you'd like to be forgiven.

5. Do not bring up unpleasant memories from the past.

6. Do not use the words always or never. Be responsible for your choices and actions.
Don't be a victim!

7. Never go to bed mad at each other. Do not play the blame game.
Put away all criticism and learn to praise and encourage.

8. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

9. Respect each others outside interests.

10. Communicate often with each other, in prayer with God and keep God #1.

Good marriages don't just happen. They require dedicated effort. Think about what it is you really want in a marriage and then do those things that will make it a reality!

With love and understanding...
Susan

Don't ever stop dreaming your dreams;
they're a very essential part of you.
Do whatever you can to make them a reality by the course you take,
The plans you make, and all the things you do.

Don't dwell on past mistakes; leave yesterday behind you-
along with any of its problems, worries, doubts.
Do realize you can't change the past,
But just ahead is the future-and you can do something about that.

Don't try to accomplish everything at once; life can be difficult enough-
Without adding frustration to the list.
Do travel one step at a time, and reach for one goal at a time.
That's the way to find out what real accomplishment is.

Don't be afraid to do the impossible, even if others don't think you'll succeed.
Do remember that history is filled with incredible accomplishments of those
Who were foolish enough to believe.

Don't forget that there are so many things that are wonderful, rare, and unique about you.
And do remember that if you can search within and find a smile
that smile will always be a reflection of the way people feel about you.
-Collin McCarty