Handling Arguing with Ease (Essential Verbal Judo Skills)
There are few things that aggravate parents as much as this. Learn on this page how to handle arguing in ways that avoid power struggles and pointless fights that drain everyone concerned and erode relationships.
Notice with each of these that they are a bit judo-like where you expend very little energy. Your goal isn't to hurt or to overcome, but to neutralize or side-step.
Only you as your child's parent can judge when these are appropriate. If a child is making a reasonable request to discuss something, it might be more appropriate to do a little collaborative problems solving.
If the arguing feels manipulative though, or if you suspect it is just your kid understandably doing their best to see if they can get past a reasonable limit, then you might give the skills on this page a test drive.
Skill 1: Responding with Empathy
Let them know you "get' how they're experiencing it
Luckily this applies to arguing too. You can express that you "get" their frustration. You can do this at the same time as upholding the reasonable limit you've set. It's not either/or.
Say you've told Grace that she's not going to be able to head over to a friend's house until after her chores are done.
"But Mom, I just want to go for a half hour. I'll get the chores done later."
"I understand that you'd rather go now."
"You're just being mean."
"Seems like I'm just trying to keep you from having fun."
Now this is just one skill of several we'll be looking at. Again the beauty of this one, is that just as in circumstances other than arguing, you can always use empathy when in doubt.
Skill 2: Broken Record
Go brain dead and repeat the reasonable limit
It is when we start to explain and reason in response to our child's arguing that the interaction starts to spiral downward.
"You can head over to Sarah's after the chores are done."
"That's not fair. Just let me go now for a half hour."
"You may head over to Sarah's after the chores are done."
"Mom! This is stupid
Repeat. Jim Fay refers to this as going brain dead on the child. Notice how the child has to put out a lot of energy to get much from the adult. So these techniques to draw their power from Attention Principle (see below).
The important piece is that for this to be effective, you've got to stay really calm. If you are emotionally ramping up with each repetition, your child will likely not be able to resist pushing it a bit farther.
Parenting Principle: The Attention Principle
A reason that often underlies behaviors we find puzzling
The Attention Principle states that any behavior that we respond to with energy, attention or emotion we will see more of.This explains why even when we get stern or even yell, we find that our kids often ramp up even more. When we respond to arguing with these strategies, kids don't get much from us. The arguing just isn't satisfying. After using them for a while our kids are often more willing to either cooperate with the reasonable limit, or approach us about changing it in a more responsible manner.
Parent Poll: Is Arguing a Big Contributor to Stress in Your Household?
I just want to get a feel for how much of a contribution that children arguing with adults makes for you. Please weigh in on the guestbook below if you'd like to add some details.
Skill 3: Use Silence to Interrupt the Ping Pong Effect
The unexpected can be one of a parent's best resources when used properly.
I recommend alternating these different responses. One time you might respond with empathy. They next iteration, you might respond with Broken Record. Though again it is worth remembering that on a day when your child is arguing and you've only got two brain cells left to rub together, then you can just go for Broken Record.Sometimes though whether you are mixing it up and alternating, or just going brain dead with Broken Record, it can get to feeling like a ping pong match. That's okay. But if you get tired of that you can use silence every once in a while. This is most effective if done with a friendly smile.
Experiment with this and notice how much it changes that ping pong feel. It almost feels like something magical.
Resources for Handling Arguing
Practical Help for Parents
Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Drain Your Energy (Parenting with Love and Logic)
Audio CD. Probably the single best way to change parenting habits beside parent coaching or therapy.
Amazon Price: (as of 11/08/2009) 
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty
Amazon Price: $7.99 (as of 11/08/2009)
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Amazon Price: $10.85 (as of 11/08/2009)
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
This is a very solid book, packed with good information. The chapters use Bible verses as epigraphs which some people appreciate and others have trouble getting past. If you're someone who'd rather they weren't there, they're worth looking past for the superb content.
Amazon Price: $16.49 (as of 11/08/2009)
Skill 4: Up and Out of the Kid
There's no replacement for having the limit come up and out of your child's nervous system
"You never let me go anywhere."
"You may head over to Sarah's after the chores are done."(Reasonable Statement)
"But I haven't seen her for four days. We were gone camping. This is SO not fair."
"And when will you be able to head over to Sarah's?"
Often at this point a tween or teen may stomp of or yell, "This sucks", which leads to the next skill.
Is this still working even if the child doesn't answer outloud? Yes. The human brain very automatically seeks closure to questions.
Skill 5: Agreement or Neutral Statement (Probably so)
Nothing takes the punch out of arguing like a neutral statement or agreement
Here are three of the phrases commonly used for this:
"Probably so"
"That could be"
"I know"
They sound like this:
"You're so old fashioned."
"Probably so."
"You're the most unfair parent of any kid I know."
"Probably so."
"That's stupid. Is that all you can say?" Mimicks, "Probably so."
"Probably so."
Now this isn't to say that "probably so" or any other response is the only appropriate one. Parents' values determine what fits. Some of you will feel like this would be mean and that you should be doing more listening. Others will feel like a kid talking to you like this is over the top and deserves a consequence. I only show it here to show that agreement and neutral statements can be effectively used. Let your intuition, looking back when you're cooled off, be your guide on which of these to use.
If you want to see more of these from their assertiveness training origins, google "negative assertion".
Parenting Principle: "I can Handle You Without Breaking a Sweat"
Kids who know you can handle their worst behavior feel secure
I often talk with parents about how safe little kids getting the message that their parents can handle them without breaking a sweat makes them feel. I don't think it really changes over time. I think when teens, for instance, know they can't pull the wool over our eyes, they feel more secure as well. Lots of misbehavior happens when kids thrash around trying to figure out where the boundaries are. When we are able to warmly set and maintain reasonable boundaries, it is a gift to our children. Awareness * Connection
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Please weigh in and let me know what you might experiment with or what you might be giving some more thought. I'm grateful for your input.
New Guestbook
Kleppins_Kitchen wrote...
Interesting lens. I really enjoyed the journey. Congratulations on your Graduation.
Posted November 15, 2008
StephE wrote...
Insightful lens and enjoyable to read. Can't wait to try these tactics out on my 9 year old. :) Thanks!
Posted September 18, 2008
alteredkat wrote...
Hi!...thanks for visiting my Scrabble Tile Pendant Lens...I appreciate it!
vbright made me chuckle I have to admit! :D
5 stars for a well laid out lens!
Posted September 17, 2008
danskapia wrote...
Having gone through the whole teenager thing with my daughter I learned a few of these techniques through trial and error. Now when I apply these techniques on my son he doesn't know what hit him.
Posted September 17, 2008
ParentCoachGTD wrote...
@vbright Thank you for having a look. Thank you much for the feedback. I certainly don't expect folks will agree with everything, but hopefully they will run into an idea or two that will help make life a bit easier. When I get one up on logical consequences, I bet those ideas will make more sense. Thanks again.
Posted September 15, 2008
by ParentCoachGTD
I help parents and other clients discover practical ways to make li... (more)
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