Handling Miscarriage

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Miscarriage happens in about 25% of pregnancies (most very early on and un-noticed), yet it is rarely mentioned or discussed. This lens outlines my experience with the horrible world of miscarriage and what useful information I have found. Please keep in mind, I am just a dad. I have no formal credentials except to say that I know what it is to loose a child and I have had to learn fast because many of the professionals that I had to deal with were not helpful. I am hoping that not only will this lens help me to come to grips with things, but hopefully it will help others who are forced to take this journey as well.

Acknowledge Your Loss 

Many people, especially older relatives do their best to stick to the outdated "suck it up and carry on" approach. However, more and more people who have been through it or deal with it are now suggesting that rather than trying to pretend it never happened, maybe the best approach is to deal with it as you would any other death in the family and through acknowledgment, hopefully aid in healing.

If you can find healthy ways to acknowledge the death, then you can begin to come to grips with what has happened and what you have lost. As one book said, "While you have not lost a person that you knew, like in the loss of an older relative, you have lost the potential and dreams for this life". In many ways people often find it harder to handle because you do not even have the memories of that person's life to cherish.

One other note on acknowledging your loss. The mind is a funny thing and when you try to bury and ignore a tragedy like this, it has a bad habit of suddenly bringing it all back up when you least expect it. So, if you do try not to deal with it right away, you may find yourself suddenly having to deal with it when you see a baby in the supermarket, or at some other time when something is enough to trigger your brain to force you to handle this loss.

You are not alone 

The first thing to know, is that you are not alone. I know that it seems like it (especially at first), but it happens to a huge number of people. Before we had our miscarriage, I knew of a few people who had been through it. I found that as we went through it, the stories started to come out, and more and more family and friends came out with stories of what happened to them or to their friends. I was amazed.

I would suggest finding those friends who have been through it and talking about it with them. In many cases, they will be quite willing to talk or do whatever it takes to help you through and talking may help both of you. I found that talking really helped my wife come to grips with what happened and what she was going through.

Miscarriage Books on Amazon 

I was amazed by the number of books on miscarriage that there are! That alone has got to let you know that you are not alone. While you never seem to hear about it until it happens to you, remember that there are a lot of other people going through the same thing too.
Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss
Trying Again: A Guide to...
A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss - Guidance and Support for You and Your Family (Revised and Updated 2nd Edition)
A Silent Sorrow: Pregnanc...
I Never Held You: A book about miscarriage, healing, and recovery
I Never Held You: A book...
Empty Arms: Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death
Empty Arms: Coping After...
Something Happened: A book for children and parents who have experienced pregnancy loss.
Something Happened: A boo...

What You Are Feeling Is Normal 

How can I say that when I don't even know what you are feeling? Well first of all, I do know and it sucks, but secondly because everyone handles things differently, and that is OK. Commonly, you will have times when you think that you can no longer feel at all and other times when the emotion is so strong that you think that it will overwhelm you. Whatever it is, that is OK. As the days and weeks go by, this will lessen, but it may take a while. Quite often, it can help to talk to a grief counselor (even if you just go with no agenda and let them ask questions and direct the process). Many people feel "broken" and that is fine too. Most likely, you will not feel like yourself for quite a while.

A Group Can Help 

Find a group that you can go to for help. Ideally, find one of the many family loss groups and go to meetings for a while. It doesn't matter if you cannot talk initially. Go anyways. It helps to hear how others are doing and how they are getting through things.

Take Time For You 

Take some time to deal with it. Many companies will let you take bereavement time, vacation time or whatever. While it may seem like you will never be whole again, take some time to handle the worst of this without worrying about other things.

If you do have other kids, it may help to keep sending them to daycare or arranging for a relative to take them for a while just so that you can let it all out for a while and not worry about what to do when your child comes in and finds you crying your heart out.

For the next while, focus on you and your family. Others will understand.

And More Flickr Photos 

You are not alone

Will You Join Us in Commemorating Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? by Merelymel13

Please join us in lighting a candle in loving remembrance of our babies that hav...

curated content from Flickr

Gradually Get Back To Routine 

Don't expect to just snap out of it and be back to normal next week, or even in a few weeks. It will take time. One thing that helps is to set really small goals. Things like "I will try to take a shower every day" are good starters. Then work on the laundry, dishes, and regular household chores a bit at a time (say trying to do one or two a day to start). You may feel bad for sitting around and not getting things done, but after a miscarriage it may take a while to get there. Don't put to much pressure on yourself to be back to normal right away.

The same often goes with friends and co-workers. After giving yourself some time alone, start meeting friends again in small controlled situations. We found it easiest to start with friends that we knew had gone through miscarriages. We also found that it really helped to talk to them about things.

For work, a social worker suggested just going in for lunch with some friends before you start, or even just stopping by to pick up something. Basically, if you can find a way to initially just go in for a short visit with an easy exit, that may make it easier to face. Remember that people will likely just be concerned for you and want the best for you.

Give Yourself And Your Partner Time And Understanding 

One thing to keep in mind is that while it will take time to work through this, it takes different people different amounts of time and no two are the same. Also, men and women tend to handle grief differently. For miscarriage, this means that you and your partner will probably try to cope with this differently and one partner will likely be farther along than the other. Often, the husband will recover faster for a variety of reasons including the fact that women tend to be more bonded with the baby due to their deep physical connection. Also, especially if you have other children, men often feel that they have to keep things together and frankly try to force our way through. Frankly, when our son died my wife had a lot of grief and I felt that I had to keep the family running until my wife was able to help. So I did my best to hide the tears (especially from our kids who got upset when we were). It didn't mean that I didn't care, just that I was working really hard at getting us through the day. Some days, that means that I got the dishes and laundry done, and some days "getting through the day" just meant that the kids were fed, clothed and not running lose through the community.

Just because your spouse does not seem to be handling it the same as you does not have to be a problem. This is just a fact of handling grief. Try to be understanding and remember that there is not one set method that works in all cases. If you can work through it together, then in the long run you can get through this and perhaps even have a better relationship.

Scrapbooking Your Memories 

As a for of art therapy, a number of people have suggested scrap booking what you have. Even if you don't have pictures (for example, we have a couple bad ultra sound pictures and that is it), you can put in what you do have. Pictures while pregnant, your thoughts, your hospital wristband, etc. Scrap booking is really about trying to organize and present your memories in a way that works for you. For some people, this will involve lots of flurish and pretty things, while for others it will be a lot simpler. Any way as fine. There is no wrong way, so just do what works for you.

Once you are done, it is up to you who you are comfortable sharing it with. Some people keep it for just the Mum and Dad, while others choose to share it with family and others that they are close to. You will have to decide based on how you feel, how you think that others will respond, and how well you think that you can handle other's responses. Remember, that you will definitely make an impression although people may not quite know what to say.

The first time I saw some was at an infant loss group and they were talking about scrap booking, so several people passed them around. It was tough and I couldn't really think of words to say to them, but it was also helpful to see others working through this.

Another scrapbooking type option is to create a web page. There is also a site that lets you create free memorial sites: Continulife

Try To Make Some Plans 

While you should generally avoid making any long term plans, one exception is that you will likely need to look into what sort of options you have for your wife to stay home for a while to work through some of the grief.

When we found out that we lost our baby, we figured that we would take a little while, maybe even a couple weeks, and then get back to our life. I was able to take a couple weeks off, but then I had to go back to work (someone has to pay the bills). However, we were able to find ways for my wife to stay home longer to work through her grief.

In Canada, you can take 15 weeks "sick leave" if it is before 20 weeks. If it is after 20 weeks, you can also get some sort of "parental leave", but I am less familiar with that. Regardless, look into it. After 15 weeks, we also found that our insurance plan would offer some longer term coverage as "long term disability".

So, in short while it initially seems like you can just quickly work through this, each case is different and it often takes a lot longer than you would think. The good news is that if you at least know that it is coming, you can start to make plans to deal with it.

Miscarriage Wikipedia 

Miscarriage or spontaneous abortion is the spontaneous end of a pregnancy at a stage where the embryo or fetus is incapable of surviving, generally defined in humans at prior to 20 weeks of gestation. Miscarriage is the most common complication of early pregnancy.

read the rest of the Wikipedia article

Please tell us what helped you get through 

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Talking to friends and family who had miscarriages

In general, my wife stopped talking to people, especially on the phone. The biggest exception was talking to friends and family who had been through what we were going through. That seemed to help.

I remember one cousin who had a miscarriage 18 years ago and she called and talked for quite a while. She gave us some answers to how she got through and how she felt about it now. She was also able to look back and say what helped and what did not. I think that one talk helped my wife through m...0 points

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Lensmaster

bturner751 wrote...

Mark, I'm sorry that my post got cut off.

One thing I wanted to mention is that this is a priceless article coming from a man/husband/father's perspective. Thank you for sharing. I do wish this article
had been available when I was going through the grieving process of my 3 miscarriages.

I have a journey through miscarriages that one can read here:

http://www.squidoo.com/recurrentmiscarriages

ReplyPosted August 19, 2009

Lensmaster

bturner751 wrote...

Mark, Thank you for this lens. I wish it was available when I was grieving my first 3 miscarriages.

You can read my story ReplyPosted August 19, 2009

Lensmaster

Margaret_Schaut wrote...

It is good to see a page on this topic written by a dad who went through it. Welcome to the Tough Topics group!

ReplyPosted January 06, 2009

Lensmaster

Christopher_Scott wrote...

Great lens!

ReplyPosted October 18, 2008

Lensmaster

Cari_Kay wrote...

Hi Mark. I was more than happy to add your pages to the "Everything Miscarriage' group. Every additional bit of information out there helps and I know your pages will help many others. Thank you!

ReplyPosted June 09, 2008

view all 8 comments

by MarkBentley

I am a Dad with 2 kids and a wonderful wife.

By day I am a computer programmer at a small company.

I also occasionally write at:
My wife Paula's Bl... (more)

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