Helping Kids Cooperate When You Need Them To

If kids feel like you're hogging ALL the control they will will fight you to get it back. They can do this overtly. They can do it subtly by complying very slowly for instance. They can respond with passive aggression. The only way you can "win" the battle for control is to break your kid's spirit. And that isn't much of a win for anyone involved.

"Control is a basic human need. You can either give it to kids on your terms, or you can force them to take it from you on their terms" ~Jim Fay

Wise parents share control with kids in two places:

1) Where you don't need it.
2) Where you never had it to begin with.

On the second one, reflecting on what sorts of things we try to control and acknowledging ones that we have no control over is immediately liberating. I have no direct control over my child's facial expression for instance. Now this isn't to say we can't have some influence on these areas...but that's for another lens. Charles Fay points out that we often end up chasing kids around trying to control things that we have no hope of ever controlling. This wears us out. And then when there is something we really ought to ensure happens, we have no energy left to follow through with it. The art of knowing what you control; what you can't control, but can merely influence; and what you ought to just let go is central to making family life more enjoyable.

One primary way of sharing control within reasonable limits is using Enforceable Statements, which describe in positive terms what you will do, allow or provide.

Instead of "Don't talk to me in that voice," which is unenforceable and sounds like you are trying to unilaterally control things, you are much better off with...

"I'll be happy to listen to you when your voice is calm like mine."

Instead of "You're not going anywhere til your room is clean."

Try "You're welcome to head over to a friends house, when the room is clean."

Rather than "Knock of the fighting. We're sick of it."

Try "Hey guys, we'd love to have you around as long as we're not listening to arguing."

By focusing on what we will do, provide or allow, we focus on what we have control over. When we only stipulate things that we really can make happen we automatically raise our credibility with our kids.

We also increase the odd our kids will be able to cooperate by, as you've likely noticed, phrasing things in the positive. It sets the same limit as it does when stated in the negative, but makes it much more likely that our kids can follow our lead. With the number of commands we give kids on a daily basis, it also makes us seem much more like we care about them and want them to enjoy life. It makes us more lovable. And making us more lovable isn't just a benefit to us it can be what keeps the lifeline in tact as kids head into their teen years, which is a turbulent proposition in our society today.

You can offer choices within limits

"Would you guys prefer to enjoy the argument and take it outside, or would it be better for you to save that for later and stay here with us?"

Some helpful phrases for starting choices:

"You're welcome to..."
"Feel free to either..."
"What's best for you..?"
"Would you rather...
"Would you prefer..."

If your child doesn't choose within a reasonable time you can...

...take the sort route and choose for them. If you do it with few words, I can near guarantee that after only one or two repetitions, when prompted with a choice, they will choose more quickly.

...ask them, "Would you like to decide or would you like me to decide this time?" This is only effective if you avoid getting into negotiating, and if you decide for them promptly and with few words or emotion if they don't decide.

Beware of disguising a threat as a choice "Would you like to decide or would you prefer to have the world come crashing down around your head?" is not a choice that helps kids to become more responsible or cooperative.

A lot of material from this lens is drawn from Jim and Charles Fay of the Love and Logic Institute. I am indebted to them for their influence on my style of working with children.

Other big influences are Haim Ginott, Elizabeth Crary, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish among many others.