How to avoid being killed by an Ice Cream Man

This is a survival guide for anyone who is concerned that they too may one day encounter one of these devilish creatures. Anyone who is NOT concerned about the menace that Ice Cream Men present needs to have his or her head examined (as this indicates the presence of suicidal tendencies and the person may or may not need to be medicated.) If you know someone who displays apathy toward the Ice Cream Man scourge, SEEK HELP FOR THEM.

• Ice Cream Men are cyborgs - if you cut one it will bleed a milky color
  
• Ice Cream Men are ambush predators who feed on the blood of children and babies
  
• Holy Water burns Ice Cream Man flesh - a dose of blessed water is often enough to scare them off
  
• Ice Cream Men are lazy and use their hypnotic songs to lure victims to them rather than spend energy hunting
  
• Mexicans pushing Ice Cream carts ARE NOT Ice Cream Men, they are simple herbivores who use the markings of Ice Cream Men to fool potential predators - you can approach them safely
  
• Ice Cream Men need to drink their weight in child-blood daily to survive
  
• Ice Cream Men frequent areas with children
  

You will need a survival kit consisting of duct tape, a squirt gun filled with holy water (remember to refill the squirt gun with fresh holy water every few months since Jesus eventually forgets that he blessed that water and it loses it's potency), and a cell-phone. You will need to keep your eyes and ears open, and maintain a vigilant state so you are not caught off-guard. You will also need an understanding of the Ice Cream Man's strengths and weaknesses.

Should you detect (or even suspect) that an Ice Cream Man is lurking nearby, DO NOT PANIC. Clear thinking is key to your survival. Remember that Ice Cream Men count on your unsuspecting nature, and that by being aware of their presence you are already HALFWAY TO SURVIVAL.

If the Ice Cream Man has not seen you or is not in your line of site, seek shelter indoors IMMEDIATELY. Do not wait for his truck to turn onto your street before you decide to react. By then it will be too late. Any children nearby NEED TO BE protected, so calmly usher them inside as well. They will protest, as children are naive and do not understand the danger of the situation. Be resolute and firm. THEY MUST SEEK SHELTER TOO. If the Ice Cream Man HAS NOT SEEN YOU, remain indoors until he passes. Do not leave the saftey of indoors for at least 5 minutes after his truck's song has faded from earshot. Do not listen to any of the childrens' cries to go outside, as Ice Cream Men songs have persuasive and hypnotic effects on immature nervous systems. You may need to use the duct tape on them to prevent them from trying to run out of the shelter. Do whatever it takes to stop them! Letting them outside is CERTAIN DEATH.

If the Ice Cream Man sees you, remain calm. He will probably slow his truck down and swing the vehicle closer to your side of the street. Do NOT, under any circumstances, approach the truck. Instead, reach into your survival kit and brandish the holy water. Most Ice Cream Men are cowards who dislike confrontation, simply maintaining a confident stance and revealing your weapon will most likely discourage the Ice Cream Man, who will drive off looking for easier prey. If, however, the Ice Cream Man stays and challenges you, do not hesitate to spray him with holy water. Be warned however, that holy water has an explosive effect when it hits Ice Cream Man flesh, and you may be singed by the heat. This should be enough to deter even the most aggressive of their species. Once the confrontation is over, be sure to use the cell phone to alert the police to the presence of an Ice Cream Man in your area.