Irish Jokes

Q: What do you call a convertible Lada?
A: A skip
Q: What do you call a convertible Lada with twin exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow
Q: Why does a Lada have a heated rear windscreen?
A: To keep your hands warm while you're pushing it along
Q: What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle
Q: What do you call a Lada with brakes?
A: Customised
A man goes into a car accessory shop and says to the assistant, "Can I have a hub cap for my Lada?" The assistant thinks to himself for a moment and then replies, "OK, it seems like a fair swap."

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."

"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

help desk...

A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk...
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin
, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, and the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs, "Oh, no" he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

'Hello, Aer Lingus?' said Paddy Murphy, 'Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?' .

The voice on the telephone said, 'I'll see sir, just a minute.'

'Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye', Paddy said as he hung up.

Concerning bagpipes:
The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke,

and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat

yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another

one!"

Q: Why did the Irishman refuse to be a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Because he didn't see the accident.

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that.

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant!

Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this?"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just
water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell
wine? The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"

How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted intothe room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere! "

Scottish Jokes

Welsh Jokes

English Jokes

Filipino Jokes

American Jokes

Aussie Jokes

Middle East Jokes

German Jokes

French Jokes

International Humour

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: "I'm not going near him" it says, "he's a cyclepath!"

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

An egg!

A Dublin Jew
who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.

A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says, "Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"

The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and now he asks me riddles!"

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A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

This Irish guy goes into a bar
in the Greek Islands. Sinead, an
Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his
order and notices his Irish accent. Over the course of the
night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks
her to sleep with him. Although she fancies him, she says no. He
then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is
travelling the world, and because she is strapped for cash, she
agrees.

The next night, the same guy turns up, and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night, he asks her to sleep
with him again for 100 quid. She figures "in for a penny - in
for a pound," and as it was fantastic the night before, she goes
home with him again.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into
the bar, but this night he just orders a beer and sits in the
corner. Sinead is disappointed, and figures that maybe she
should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits beside him. She asks him where he's from,
and he says, "Cork." "Wow," she says, "Me too! - what part?"
"Montenotte," he says. "Jesus, that's amazing," she says, "Which
street?" To which he names the street. She is truly gobsmacked.
"This is uncanny," she says, "what number?" "Number 20." "You
are not going to believe this," she says, "I'm from number 22!
My parents still live there!" "I know", he says. "Your Da gave
my five hundred quid to give you!

The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be THE drink.'

'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father.

Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.

'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot,
who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary."

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

One day in a small town during really stormy weather, the townbegins to flood. Everyone rushes to lifeboats and begins to flee. But in a church a prriest sits on the alter and does not
move. A man runs up to him.

Man- "Father, come quickly, we have a lifeboat ready for you".

Priest- No, there is no need for me to flee for the lord will
provide and he will save me".

Man- "Suit yourself"

A few hours later the water has risen up to the alter where the
priest is standing. A lifeboat zooms through the door with a few
men in it. One man calls to the priest.

Man- "Father come quickly"

Priest- "No, for the lord will provide and he will save me.

So the lifeboat zooms off. A few hours later the water has risen
up to the crucifix on which the priest is hanging on. A lifeboat
zooms in.

Man- Father, the town is flooding, you must come with us to
safety.

Priest- No, the lord will provide. He will save me.

A few hours later the water rose up to the roof and the priest
drowned. Later in heaven the priest met god and said:

Man- "Lord, why didn't you save me? I had so much faith>

God- What are you talking about!!!!!! I sent 3 bloody lifeboats