The Funeral

"He's dead! I can't believe he's dead!" She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs but instead she stood there in silence, staring in disbelief at the coffin while the pastor recited the Lord's Prayer.
It felt as if her heart was being wrenched from her chest. She wanted to throw herself onto the casket and get lowered into the ground with him. She couldn't imagine how she was going to make it without her mentor, her best friend, the only man she had ever really trusted.
"I'm not going to cry," she repeated over and over in an effort to hold herself together. This had become her mantra of sorts over the last couple of days. She knew she just had to get through the next few hours and then she could curl up in bed and cry if she wanted to. Just a few more hours and she could finally be alone. She laid her rose on his coffin and stood there wondering what she was going to do.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. I love you." She kissed her hand and touched the casket.
Then she walked to her place at the other end of the procession. She had to thank the pastor and everyone else for coming before she could enjoy the brief solace of the limo.
Then on to the wake, which should be called the feast, considering how much food people brought. They had been dropping things off for days. The wake would involve more polite conversation with more people that she didn't really know as they tried to empathize with her and her loss. She knew they meant well, but she just wanted to be alone to cry until she couldn't cry anymore.
Everything had happened so fast she hadn't even had a chance to think. Her phone rang three days ago and that was about the last clear memory she had. He wasn't even sick, had kept running through her mind after she got the call. Then she was on a plane. It was all so sudden. She was able to find comfort in the fact that she had gotten there in time to see him before he was gone.
"He was a good man" and "I am so sorry for your loss" she heard. "If you need anything don't hesitate to call." "He'll be missed."
She couldn't even make out their faces anymore. She just nodded her head and said "Thank you". It seemed to go on forever. Just when it seemed the onslaught was ending she felt a hand on her shoulder. A chill ran up her spine. She knew that touch. As if things weren't bad enough now he had to show up. A tear ran down her cheek. "I'm not going to cry, especially now" she said sternly to herself. She took a deep breath, summoned all her courage, and turned to face him.
He looked good. Of course, he always looked good. Attraction had never been their problem. He had gotten a little greyer since she last saw him and maybe a few more lines around the eyes, more distinguished looking. She tried not to look into his eyes. She knew she would melt if she did.
"I'm sorry, I know how much he meant to you, to all of us," He said.
She mumbled something along the line of 'thanks' and said she had to get going.
"That's ok. I know you're busy. I'll be staying for a while so I'm sure we'll have time to catch up later. You know we have a lot to talk about."
He was staring at her with an intensity that was almost scary. Her knees felt weak and her heart started racing. Staying a while? What did that mean? Why would he be staying a while? Why do we have to talk? We haven't talked in four years why should we start now?
The limousine was patiently waiting to take her back to the Professor's house, her house, the house where she had spent most of her childhood. Ever since her parents had passed away in an accident when she was five and her uncle, the Professor, her mother's brother, had become her legal guardian. Now, she was 28 and completely alone. The Professor had been her last bit of family. Now there was no one else. What a strange feeling. She shook her head to try and shake off the overwhelming loneliness that was threatening to overtake her. Right now she had to focus on getting through the rest of the afternoon.
Tess looked out the limousine window as they pulled up to the house. There were quite a few people there already. She looked at the house, then closed her eyes and repeated, "I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry. Then she took a deep breath and opened the door.
Immediately she was surrounded by sympathetic friends of the Professor. She knew he was well liked but seeing everyone gathered together was overwhelming. Students, faculty and even alumni all packed into their old house. She wanted to get back in the limo and go somewhere, hell anywhere, but there. She surveyed the crowd hoping she would not see him again. The blast from her past that she had been hoping would stay, just that, in her past.
The professor would have hated this, she thought as she looked at the crowd. He hated crowds. He would avoid them at all costs. He even tried to keep his classes small, but since his big discovery and his prestigious award from UC Davis, it had become harder and harder for him to avoid lecture hall size classes, groups of information hungry students, and even the occasional reporter, waiting to speak to him after class.
"It's funny when you think about it" Tess remembered him telling her. "Scientists spend their whole lives hoping for that one great discovery and I found it and now I can't wait to get away from it."
For the Professor it wasn't about the fame, it was about the search. He truly loved the challenge of discovery, not the awards that came with it. However, for every positive there is always a negative, and for him it was definitely the attention. He longed for the old days when he wasn't so well known.
Tess realized she had a glass of wine in her hand and didn't even remember where it came from. Somewhere between the limousine and the house she had acquired it. She continued to survey the crowd; some faces she recognized, but most of them were not familiar to her. She had been gone for almost 4 years; a college can completely change its population in that amount of time.
"Tess?" She turned to see her best friend Mare, whom she had not seen since the day she had left, four years ago. She was a very attractive Croatian girl, with very dark hair and very light skin. Her eyes were bluish green and probably one of her best traits, next to her smile. She wore her hair short in a wispy cut with highlights now, but had worn it in long braids all through school. She was shorter than Tess by several inches and spoke with a slight accent.
Tess had left in such a hurry and in such a state four years ago, that she hadn't taken the time to say good-bye to anyone, except the Professor. She had called Mare afterwards and they had talked over the years, but between Tess' new job and Mare's new husband they had not kept in touch as much as they would have liked.
"Oh, thank goodness, a familiar face. I'm so glad to see you." Tess told her as she hugged her.
Mare had been her best friend for as long as she could remember. They had met one day at school in the bathroom during lunch when Mare had borrowed Tess' comb. They had started talking and been great friends ever since.
"You know I wouldn't miss something as important as this. He was like a father to me." Mare looked as if she had been crying.
"I see you brought someone." Tess touched Mare's pregnant belly. "You look beautiful."
"Thanks, I feel like a house. How are you holding up?" Mare looked at Tess trying to read her face.
Tess just shook her head. "I really don't know. I realize this will sound cliché but it all happened so fast."
Mare nodded and gave Tess a hug. "I have really missed you," then she got a worried look on her face. "Did you happen to see Pete?"
Tess nodded and gave her a look as if to say not now. "We'll talk later" was all she could get out before she was being pulled away by more sympathetic mourners wanting to pay their respects.
Finally, it was over. The house was empty except for Mare. It was beginning to get dark outside. Tess had done it. She had made it through the entire day without a tear. Well, one tear, but that one doesn't count. Tess plopped down on the couch. Mare walked up to join her with a bottle of Merlot and 2 glasses.
"Are you drinking?" Tess looked surprised.
"No, I'm having water" Mare held up her water bottle. "I just wanted to use a wine glass to fit in."
Tess knew that Mare wasn't going to leave until she had heard the whole story of everything that she had missed over the last four years. Mare poured the wine in Tess' glass while Tess sat back, pulled the throw around her shoulders, and said "Let's see, where to begin?"
Thank God for wine she thought. "Ok," she began. "How about we start with when I left?"
Mare winked at Tess and handed her the overly-full glass of wine. "I don't care where you start, just don't leave anything out. You know how I love a good story."
Tess took a huge swig of wine and began. "Well, I told you that I left because Pete and I were having trouble, but I didn't tell you exactly what kind of trouble."
"You know that he had had a chip on his shoulder after I had gotten offered the job at Purdue and he hadn't. What I didn't tell you was that when I told him that I was thinking about taking it, he lost it. He accused me of being so driven by my career that I would do anything to get ahead, even screw him in the process. I assured him that I had not applied for 'his position', and that they had come to me. He absolutely refused to believe me. I was so hurt and he wouldn't listen to reason. I decided to give him a few days to think about how ridiculous he was acting. I figured he would cool off and apologize, but when he didn't I went to see him." Tess paused to take another big drink.
"I never told you this part. When I went to his house to confront him he was being very rude. He didn't even want to let me in. After I was there about five minutes I realized why. Just about the time it started to

A portion of the proceeds from this book are donated to Seven Gables Therapeutic Riding Stable, a NARHA approved facility, which works to benefit the handicapped through horseback riding and related activities.
www.sevengablesfarm.com

A percentage also goes to New Vocations Racehorse Adoption, where they work to find homes and new vocations for off-track Thoroughbreds and Standardbreds.
www.horseadoption.com