I am A Domestic Violence Survivor.
I am A Domestic Violence Survivor. I was able to get out of my situation 12 years ago. I want to Help spread the word about Ending domestic violence and helping Other who are going through it now or have been through it. I have spent many years going through the Healing process and I am also a PTSD survivor and Have overcome PTSD. I want to let everyone know that there is HOPE and that there is a Light at the End Of The Tunnel.
Domestic Violence
Did You Know?
Did you know? The hurting gets worse as time goes by... the partner who belittles you now, may later push you the one who hits now, may later rape you the one who rapes you, may later threaten you with a weapon the one threatens you now, may later kill you
There are usually good times after the bad times when they treat you the way you like to be treated when your partner tells you how much they love you when they buy you gifts or beg forgiveness when they promise to never hurt you again
You can sometimes "feel it" when something is about to happen after the good times comes a period when things are tense your partner becomes more easily angered you feel like you're tiptoeing on eggshells trying to keep them from cracking they tell you it's all your fault, that you're making them act crazy Trust your instinct when you feel something happening!
There are usually good times after the bad times when they treat you the way you like to be treated when your partner tells you how much they love you when they buy you gifts or beg forgiveness when they promise to never hurt you again
You can sometimes "feel it" when something is about to happen after the good times comes a period when things are tense your partner becomes more easily angered you feel like you're tiptoeing on eggshells trying to keep them from cracking they tell you it's all your fault, that you're making them act crazy Trust your instinct when you feel something happening!
Violence Wheel
Violence Wheel
Violence WheelThe chart is a way of looking at the behaviors abusers use to get and keep control in their relationships. Battering is a choice. It is used to gain power and control over another person. Physical abuse is only one part of a system of abusive behaviors.
Abuse is never a one time event.
This chart uses the wheel to show the relationship of physical abuse to other forms of abuse. Each part shows a way to control or gain power.
This wheel is hard to really see but you can go here to see the Bigger version of the wheel to get an idea what the Violence wheel is.
www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Power%20and%20Control%20Wheel.htm
Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence
Domestic violence should not happen to anybody. Ever. Period. But it does - and when it does, there is help. Maybe you have lived with abuse, maybe it happened just once; maybe you work or live next to someone who is being abused right now. Whoever you are, this book can show you how and where to get help.
In 1994, 1995, and again in 2000, Michigan changed the laws that deal with domestic violence to make it easier for the victims of abuse to get protection through the legal system.
We have tried to include information to help you get support and plan for your safety.
If this booklet applies to you, you just need to remember two things: first, abuse is never okay; second, you are not alone. Help is yours for the asking.
If you know someone whom you think is being abused - a friend, family member, co-worker, client, patient or parishioner - please consider contacting one of the agencies listed below to discuss ways to safely help them
Definition
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
Examples of abuse include:
name-calling or putdowns
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
If you are being abused, REMEMBER
You are not alone
It is not your fault
Help is available
Who Are The Victims?
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
Since abuse can happen to anyone, people can have special concerns. All resources listed in this book understand your special concerns. They will listen to you and treat you with respect.
If you are a person of color ...
You may be afraid of prejudice. You may be afraid of being blamed for going out of your community for help.
If you are a lesbian, gay, or transgendered person ...
You may be afraid of having people know about your sexual orientation.
If you are physically or mentally challenged or elderly ...
You may depend on your abuser to care for you. You may not have other people to help you.
If you are a male victim of abuse ...
You may be ashamed and scared that no one will believe you.
If you are from another country ...
You may be afraid of being deported.
If your religion makes it hard to get help ...
You may feel like you have to stay and not break up the family.
If you are a teen ...
You could be a victim of abuse, or at risk if you are dating someone who:
is very jealous and/or spies on you
will not let you break off the relationship
hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting other people
puts you down or makes you feel bad
forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex
abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
has a history of bad relationships and blames it on others
It is hard for teens to leave their abuser if they go to the same school. They cannot hide. Gay and lesbian teens are very isolated. They can be scared they may have to reveal their sexual orientation.
If you think you are being abused, think about getting help. If your family or friends warn you about the person you are dating, think about getting help. Tell friends, family members or anybody you can trust. Call a resource listed in this book. There is help for you. You do not have to suffer in silence.
If you are a child in a violent home ...
Most children in these homes know about the violence. Parents may think children do not know about the violence, but most of the time they do. Children often know what happened. They can feel helpless, scared and upset. They may also feel like the violence is their fault.
Violence in the home is dangerous for children. Children live with scary noises, yelling and hitting. They are afraid for their parents and themselves. Children feel bad that they cannot stop the abuse. If they try to stop the fight, they can be hurt. They can also be hurt by things that are thrown or weapons that are used. Children are harmed just by seeing and hearing the violence.
Children in violent homes may not get the care they need. A parent who is being abused may be in too much pain to take good care of their child.
Children who live in violent homes can have many problems. They can have trouble sleeping. They can have trouble in school and getting along with others. They often feel sad and scared all the time. They may grow up feeling bad about themselves. These problems do not go away on their own. They can be there even as the child gets older.
There is help for children in violent homes. Call a resource listed in this book to talk to someone. This can also help if you grew up in a violent home.
If you are being stalked ...
Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. A stalker can be someone you know or a stranger. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family.
People may think stalking is not dangerous because no one has been physically hurt. Stalking is serious. It is against the law. It often turns to physical violence.
There is help. Find out how to get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). You can also tell the police. You can make a case by keeping track of what the stalker does by:
telling the police every time the stalker makes contact with you
keeping a book with you at all times so that you can write down the stalkers contacts
saving phone messages from the stalker
saving letters and gifts from the stalker
writing down information about the stalker, like the way they look, kind of car they drive and license plate number
STALKING IS A CRIME.
Who Are The Abusers?
Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no 'typical' abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. They often only abuse behind closed doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor.
Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological.
Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims.
What is Abuse? - A Warning List
Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.
Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.
If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;
pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
threatening suicide to get you to do something
using or threatening to use a weapon against you
keeping or taking your paycheck
puts you down or makes you feel bad
forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!
Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help
In 1994, 1995, and again in 2000, Michigan changed the laws that deal with domestic violence to make it easier for the victims of abuse to get protection through the legal system.
We have tried to include information to help you get support and plan for your safety.
If this booklet applies to you, you just need to remember two things: first, abuse is never okay; second, you are not alone. Help is yours for the asking.
If you know someone whom you think is being abused - a friend, family member, co-worker, client, patient or parishioner - please consider contacting one of the agencies listed below to discuss ways to safely help them
Definition
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
Examples of abuse include:
name-calling or putdowns
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
If you are being abused, REMEMBER
You are not alone
It is not your fault
Help is available
Who Are The Victims?
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
Since abuse can happen to anyone, people can have special concerns. All resources listed in this book understand your special concerns. They will listen to you and treat you with respect.
If you are a person of color ...
You may be afraid of prejudice. You may be afraid of being blamed for going out of your community for help.
If you are a lesbian, gay, or transgendered person ...
You may be afraid of having people know about your sexual orientation.
If you are physically or mentally challenged or elderly ...
You may depend on your abuser to care for you. You may not have other people to help you.
If you are a male victim of abuse ...
You may be ashamed and scared that no one will believe you.
If you are from another country ...
You may be afraid of being deported.
If your religion makes it hard to get help ...
You may feel like you have to stay and not break up the family.
If you are a teen ...
You could be a victim of abuse, or at risk if you are dating someone who:
is very jealous and/or spies on you
will not let you break off the relationship
hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting other people
puts you down or makes you feel bad
forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex
abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
has a history of bad relationships and blames it on others
It is hard for teens to leave their abuser if they go to the same school. They cannot hide. Gay and lesbian teens are very isolated. They can be scared they may have to reveal their sexual orientation.
If you think you are being abused, think about getting help. If your family or friends warn you about the person you are dating, think about getting help. Tell friends, family members or anybody you can trust. Call a resource listed in this book. There is help for you. You do not have to suffer in silence.
If you are a child in a violent home ...
Most children in these homes know about the violence. Parents may think children do not know about the violence, but most of the time they do. Children often know what happened. They can feel helpless, scared and upset. They may also feel like the violence is their fault.
Violence in the home is dangerous for children. Children live with scary noises, yelling and hitting. They are afraid for their parents and themselves. Children feel bad that they cannot stop the abuse. If they try to stop the fight, they can be hurt. They can also be hurt by things that are thrown or weapons that are used. Children are harmed just by seeing and hearing the violence.
Children in violent homes may not get the care they need. A parent who is being abused may be in too much pain to take good care of their child.
Children who live in violent homes can have many problems. They can have trouble sleeping. They can have trouble in school and getting along with others. They often feel sad and scared all the time. They may grow up feeling bad about themselves. These problems do not go away on their own. They can be there even as the child gets older.
There is help for children in violent homes. Call a resource listed in this book to talk to someone. This can also help if you grew up in a violent home.
If you are being stalked ...
Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. A stalker can be someone you know or a stranger. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family.
People may think stalking is not dangerous because no one has been physically hurt. Stalking is serious. It is against the law. It often turns to physical violence.
There is help. Find out how to get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). You can also tell the police. You can make a case by keeping track of what the stalker does by:
telling the police every time the stalker makes contact with you
keeping a book with you at all times so that you can write down the stalkers contacts
saving phone messages from the stalker
saving letters and gifts from the stalker
writing down information about the stalker, like the way they look, kind of car they drive and license plate number
STALKING IS A CRIME.
Who Are The Abusers?
Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no 'typical' abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. They often only abuse behind closed doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor.
Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological.
Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims.
What is Abuse? - A Warning List
Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.
Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.
If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;
pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
threatening suicide to get you to do something
using or threatening to use a weapon against you
keeping or taking your paycheck
puts you down or makes you feel bad
forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!
Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help
Domestic Violence
WARNING...These videos are hard to watch and see.
They are VERY REAL on what really is happening.
They ALSO should not be watched while SMALL Children are around.
They are VERY REAL on what really is happening.
They ALSO should not be watched while SMALL Children are around.
curated content from YouTube
Domestic Violence Info
Domestic Violence Info
Cycle of Violence
Incident
Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Tension Building
Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up
Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.
It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear.
What Can I Do To Be Safe?
Call the police
If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, you can call 911 or your local police. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
Consider the following:
If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.
When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.
If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.
The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
Get the officers' names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.
Get support from friends and family
Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has happened.
Find a safe place
It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.
Get medical help
If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.
Medical records can be important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.
Special medical concerns
Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.
What seems like a small injury could be a big one.
If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
Domestic violence victims can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
Memory loss
Dizziness
Problems with eyesight
Throwing-up
Headache that will not go away
Get a personal protection order
See Personal Protection Orders
Make a safety plan
Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. See Personalized Safety Plan
Personalized Safety Plan
Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe. The resources in this book can help you to make a safety plan that works best for you. It is important to get help with your safety plan. Many of the resources listed in this book can help you.
HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
If you are in an abusive relationship, think about...
Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
Going over your safety plan often.
If you consider leaving your abuser, think about...
Four places you could go if you leave your home.
People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE
Children (if it is safe)
Money
Keys to car, house, work
Extra clothes
Medicine
Important papers for you and your children
Birth certificates
Social security cards
School and medical records
Bankbooks, credit cards
Driver's license
Car registration
Welfare identification
Passports, green cards, work permits
Lease/rental agreement
Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
Insurance papers
PPO, divorce papers, custody orders
Address book
Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)
8. Think about reviewing your safety plan often.
If you have left your abuser, think about...
Your safety - you still need to.
Getting a cell phone. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.
Going over your safety plan often.
WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you have left.
Incident
Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Tension Building
Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up
Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.
It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear.
What Can I Do To Be Safe?
Call the police
If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, you can call 911 or your local police. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
Consider the following:
If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.
When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.
If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.
The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
Get the officers' names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.
Get support from friends and family
Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has happened.
Find a safe place
It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.
Get medical help
If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.
Medical records can be important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.
Special medical concerns
Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.
What seems like a small injury could be a big one.
If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
Domestic violence victims can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
Memory loss
Dizziness
Problems with eyesight
Throwing-up
Headache that will not go away
Get a personal protection order
See Personal Protection Orders
Make a safety plan
Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. See Personalized Safety Plan
Personalized Safety Plan
Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe. The resources in this book can help you to make a safety plan that works best for you. It is important to get help with your safety plan. Many of the resources listed in this book can help you.
HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
If you are in an abusive relationship, think about...
Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
Going over your safety plan often.
If you consider leaving your abuser, think about...
Four places you could go if you leave your home.
People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE
Children (if it is safe)
Money
Keys to car, house, work
Extra clothes
Medicine
Important papers for you and your children
Birth certificates
Social security cards
School and medical records
Bankbooks, credit cards
Driver's license
Car registration
Welfare identification
Passports, green cards, work permits
Lease/rental agreement
Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
Insurance papers
PPO, divorce papers, custody orders
Address book
Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)
8. Think about reviewing your safety plan often.
If you have left your abuser, think about...
Your safety - you still need to.
Getting a cell phone. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.
Going over your safety plan often.
WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you have left.
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DV Questions about leaving, personal protection orders
DV Questions about leaving, personal protection orders
Questions About Leaving
Many victims of domestic violence ask these questions about leaving.
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
Yes. If you can do it safely, definitely take your children with you. It may be more difficult later.
Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is very important. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may have an advantage getting temporary custody.
Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return.
If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge.)
Where do I go?
Stay with a friend or relatives.
If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. (Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. It could also cause conflict with your abuser.)
Go to a battered women's shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
Or call 911 because it is a good start.
Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.
Personal Protection Orders - PPO's
What is a Personal Protection Order?
A personal protection order, or PPO, is an order issued by the Circuit Court. It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by another person. The PPO may also stop someone from coming into your home or bothering you at work. It can stop them from buying a firearm or finding your address through school records. It can also stop them from taking your minor children unless required by the court.
Where can I get a PPO?
You can get the forms at the Juvenile Intake Office on the ground floor of the Oakland County Courthouse at 1200 North Telegraph Road in Pontiac. The Women's Survival Center's PPO Assistance Office, located at the Juvenile Intake Office, can help you fill out the forms.
Who can get a PPO?
Anyone who has been physically, emotionally or sexually abused or threatened by someone they have been married to, lived with, have a child with, or dated. Some examples may include: a current or former spouse, family member, partner, other parent of your child, current or former roommate, or current or former person you have dated.
Anyone who has been stalked. Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. A stalker can be someone you know or a stranger. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family.
What should I bring?
A letter telling the court what has been going on. Make sure to tell them everything. Include dates and details the best you can.
Police reports, medical records, photographs, or witnesses if you can get them.
Any information about the abuser - current address, date of birth or age, hair color, eye color, height, weight, address, Social Security number, or driver's license number.
Any court papers you have if you can get them. For example, custody and/or parenting time orders, lease agreement, divorce papers, or criminal case records.
What should I expect when I get there?
There is no cost to file a PPO.
It may take up to a half day to have a judge review your request. Please be at the Courthouse no later than 2:00 p.m.
The Juvenile Intake Office has the PPO forms. They will direct you to the PPO Assistance Office where staff can help you fill out the forms.
If there is any information you would like to be kept private, such as your address, do not include it when filling out your forms. Ask the Court Clerk for a confidential address form.
Once you complete the forms, a Deputy Clerk in the County Clerk's Office will look them over and give you a judge and a case number. They will ask you about any other cases either of you may have.
You will then meet with a referee (attorney). They will review your forms, ask you questions, and report to the judge.
You will then go to the judge's office to meet with the judge's clerk. The judge and/or clerk may ask you more questions. The judge will review your request and either sign your order, set it for a hearing, or deny it.
Take the paperwork to the Clerk's Office on the ground floor for filing. If the judge has signed the order, the County Clerk will give you copies of the order. The order will be put into a computer system that lets the police know there is a PPO.
If a hearing has been set, the Clerk will explain how to 'serve' the paperwork.
The PPO is in effect as soon as the judge signs it. The court may have problems enforcing the PPO if the abuser has not been served. The abuser must be served with copies of everything you file with the Clerk's Office. The PPO Assistance Office can explain this to you.
You must file a Proof of Service form with the Clerk's Office. The court may have problems enforcing the PPO if Proof of Service is not in the court file.
You do not have to let the abuser in your home because a court order says he/she can see the children. You can make other plans, such as having a friend or family member pick up and drop off the children. Or you can also meet at a police station or other public place. You may also ask for supervised parenting time through the court when you file your PPO.
If you want your PPO removed, you must return to the courthouse where the PPO was given. You cannot change or remove the PPO by saying you no longer want the PPO. Only the court can change or remove a PPO. The abuser can be arrested for violating the PPO until it expires or until the court removes the order. An abuser violates the order if he does something the PPO does not allow. Do not agree to anything the PPO restricts, or invite the abuser to violate the PPO until the PPO expires or the court changes the PPO.
CARRY A COPY OF YOUR PPO WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES!! This will help police enforce the PPO if there is a violation.
Remember, while PPOs do work, it is important to be careful and have a safety plan.
Many victims of domestic violence ask these questions about leaving.
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
Yes. If you can do it safely, definitely take your children with you. It may be more difficult later.
Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is very important. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may have an advantage getting temporary custody.
Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return.
If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge.)
Where do I go?
Stay with a friend or relatives.
If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. (Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. It could also cause conflict with your abuser.)
Go to a battered women's shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
Or call 911 because it is a good start.
Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.
Personal Protection Orders - PPO's
What is a Personal Protection Order?
A personal protection order, or PPO, is an order issued by the Circuit Court. It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by another person. The PPO may also stop someone from coming into your home or bothering you at work. It can stop them from buying a firearm or finding your address through school records. It can also stop them from taking your minor children unless required by the court.
Where can I get a PPO?
You can get the forms at the Juvenile Intake Office on the ground floor of the Oakland County Courthouse at 1200 North Telegraph Road in Pontiac. The Women's Survival Center's PPO Assistance Office, located at the Juvenile Intake Office, can help you fill out the forms.
Who can get a PPO?
Anyone who has been physically, emotionally or sexually abused or threatened by someone they have been married to, lived with, have a child with, or dated. Some examples may include: a current or former spouse, family member, partner, other parent of your child, current or former roommate, or current or former person you have dated.
Anyone who has been stalked. Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. A stalker can be someone you know or a stranger. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family.
What should I bring?
A letter telling the court what has been going on. Make sure to tell them everything. Include dates and details the best you can.
Police reports, medical records, photographs, or witnesses if you can get them.
Any information about the abuser - current address, date of birth or age, hair color, eye color, height, weight, address, Social Security number, or driver's license number.
Any court papers you have if you can get them. For example, custody and/or parenting time orders, lease agreement, divorce papers, or criminal case records.
What should I expect when I get there?
There is no cost to file a PPO.
It may take up to a half day to have a judge review your request. Please be at the Courthouse no later than 2:00 p.m.
The Juvenile Intake Office has the PPO forms. They will direct you to the PPO Assistance Office where staff can help you fill out the forms.
If there is any information you would like to be kept private, such as your address, do not include it when filling out your forms. Ask the Court Clerk for a confidential address form.
Once you complete the forms, a Deputy Clerk in the County Clerk's Office will look them over and give you a judge and a case number. They will ask you about any other cases either of you may have.
You will then meet with a referee (attorney). They will review your forms, ask you questions, and report to the judge.
You will then go to the judge's office to meet with the judge's clerk. The judge and/or clerk may ask you more questions. The judge will review your request and either sign your order, set it for a hearing, or deny it.
Take the paperwork to the Clerk's Office on the ground floor for filing. If the judge has signed the order, the County Clerk will give you copies of the order. The order will be put into a computer system that lets the police know there is a PPO.
If a hearing has been set, the Clerk will explain how to 'serve' the paperwork.
The PPO is in effect as soon as the judge signs it. The court may have problems enforcing the PPO if the abuser has not been served. The abuser must be served with copies of everything you file with the Clerk's Office. The PPO Assistance Office can explain this to you.
You must file a Proof of Service form with the Clerk's Office. The court may have problems enforcing the PPO if Proof of Service is not in the court file.
You do not have to let the abuser in your home because a court order says he/she can see the children. You can make other plans, such as having a friend or family member pick up and drop off the children. Or you can also meet at a police station or other public place. You may also ask for supervised parenting time through the court when you file your PPO.
If you want your PPO removed, you must return to the courthouse where the PPO was given. You cannot change or remove the PPO by saying you no longer want the PPO. Only the court can change or remove a PPO. The abuser can be arrested for violating the PPO until it expires or until the court removes the order. An abuser violates the order if he does something the PPO does not allow. Do not agree to anything the PPO restricts, or invite the abuser to violate the PPO until the PPO expires or the court changes the PPO.
CARRY A COPY OF YOUR PPO WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES!! This will help police enforce the PPO if there is a violation.
Remember, while PPOs do work, it is important to be careful and have a safety plan.
State Coalition List
Help Numbers to Call
State Coalition List
Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(334)832-4842
Alaska Network on Domestic Violence & Sexual Assualt-(907)586-3650
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(602)279-2900
Arkansa Coalition Against Violence to Women and Children-(501)812-0571
California Alliance Against Domestic Violence-(909)444-7163
Statewide California Coalition for Battered Women(818)787-0072
Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(303)831-9632
Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(860)282-7899
Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(302)658-2958
DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(202)783-5332
Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(850)425-2749
Georgia Coalition on Family Violence-(770)984-0085
Georgia Advocates for Battered Women and Children-(404)524-3847
Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(808)486-5072
Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence-(208)-384-0419
Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(217)789-2830
Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(317)543-3908
Iowa Coalition Against Domestixc Violence-(515)244-8028
Kansas Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(785)232-9784
Kentucky Domestic Violence Association-(502)875-4132
Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(504)752-1296
Maine Coalition for Family Crisis Services-(207)941-1194
Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence-(301)352-4574
Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women's Service Groups-(617)248-0922
Michigan Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(517)347-7000
Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women-(612)646-6177
Mississippi Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(601)981-9196
Misssouri Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(573)634-4161
Montana Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(406)443-7794
Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assualt Coalition-(402)476-6256
Nevada Network Against Domestic Violence-(702)828-1115
New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence-(603)224-8893
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women-(609)584-8107
New Mexico State Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(505)246-9240
New York State Coalition Against Domestic violence-(518)432-4864
North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(919)956-9124
North Dakota Council on Abused Women's Services-(701)255-6240
Ohio Domestic Violence Network-(614)784-0023
Action Ohio Coalition for Battered Women-(614)221-1255
Oklahoma Coalition on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assualt-(405)848-1815
Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence-(503)223-7411
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(717)545-6400
Comision Para Los Asuntos De La Mujer, Puerto Rico-(787)722-2907
Rhode Island Council on Domestic Violence-(401)467-9940
South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault-(803)256-2900
South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Asssault-(605)945-0869
Tennessee Task Force Against Family Violence-(615)386-9406
Texas Council on Family Violence-(512)794-1133
Utah Domestic Violence Advisory Council-(801)538-9886
Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault-(802)223-1302
Virgians Against Domestic Violence-(757)221-0990
Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(360)407-0756
West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(304)965-3552
Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(608)255-0539
Wyoming Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault-(307)755-5481
Women's Resource Center, Virgin Islands-(809)776-3966
Women's Coalition of St. Croix, Virgin Islands-(340)773-9272
Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(334)832-4842
Alaska Network on Domestic Violence & Sexual Assualt-(907)586-3650
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(602)279-2900
Arkansa Coalition Against Violence to Women and Children-(501)812-0571
California Alliance Against Domestic Violence-(909)444-7163
Statewide California Coalition for Battered Women(818)787-0072
Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(303)831-9632
Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(860)282-7899
Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(302)658-2958
DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(202)783-5332
Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(850)425-2749
Georgia Coalition on Family Violence-(770)984-0085
Georgia Advocates for Battered Women and Children-(404)524-3847
Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(808)486-5072
Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence-(208)-384-0419
Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(217)789-2830
Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(317)543-3908
Iowa Coalition Against Domestixc Violence-(515)244-8028
Kansas Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(785)232-9784
Kentucky Domestic Violence Association-(502)875-4132
Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(504)752-1296
Maine Coalition for Family Crisis Services-(207)941-1194
Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence-(301)352-4574
Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women's Service Groups-(617)248-0922
Michigan Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(517)347-7000
Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women-(612)646-6177
Mississippi Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(601)981-9196
Misssouri Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(573)634-4161
Montana Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(406)443-7794
Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assualt Coalition-(402)476-6256
Nevada Network Against Domestic Violence-(702)828-1115
New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence-(603)224-8893
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women-(609)584-8107
New Mexico State Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(505)246-9240
New York State Coalition Against Domestic violence-(518)432-4864
North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(919)956-9124
North Dakota Council on Abused Women's Services-(701)255-6240
Ohio Domestic Violence Network-(614)784-0023
Action Ohio Coalition for Battered Women-(614)221-1255
Oklahoma Coalition on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assualt-(405)848-1815
Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence-(503)223-7411
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(717)545-6400
Comision Para Los Asuntos De La Mujer, Puerto Rico-(787)722-2907
Rhode Island Council on Domestic Violence-(401)467-9940
South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault-(803)256-2900
South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Asssault-(605)945-0869
Tennessee Task Force Against Family Violence-(615)386-9406
Texas Council on Family Violence-(512)794-1133
Utah Domestic Violence Advisory Council-(801)538-9886
Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault-(802)223-1302
Virgians Against Domestic Violence-(757)221-0990
Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(360)407-0756
West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(304)965-3552
Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence-(608)255-0539
Wyoming Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault-(307)755-5481
Women's Resource Center, Virgin Islands-(809)776-3966
Women's Coalition of St. Croix, Virgin Islands-(340)773-9272
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- jacquelinestone jacquelinestone Jul 21, 2008 @ 10:52 pm
- Great job, again! You should submit all of these lenses to the Tough Subjects group.
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- WhiteOak50 WhiteOak50 Jul 5, 2008 @ 6:38 pm
- Fantastic information! You did great!!
Just wanted to add this link as well:
www.project-safe.org/
that is a link in case anyone from Georgia needs
help! Blessings and Hugs.
by LadyHawk2
Hello Everyone, I am LadyHawk and I am a Domestic Violence Survivor. It took me 10 years before I had the courage enough to walk away. It has taken... (more)
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