Let's Talk Turkey

Look my feathered friends -- it's damn hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by a bunch of frigging turkeys!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey (no not a frigging frozen thing...a fresh one that's been plucked)

Step 2: Take a sip of Austin Nichols Wild Turkey whiskey and truss your turkey (i.e. stuff the body with thawed pork sausages and Stove Top stuffing mix...that should do it.)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven (no, not your microwave, it won't fit!)

Step 4: Take another 2 sips of Austin Nichols whiskey.

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens (yup 375, that should to it.)

Step 6: Take 3 more swigs of Austin Nichols.

Step 7: Turn oven the on. (What do you mean you can't find the oven...look again!)

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky. (You're beginning to feel pretty good about life aren't you!)

Step 9: Turk the bastey. (Remember, baste makes haste or whatever.)

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get. (Look get your priorities straight will you, cooking this bird is no joke!)

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer. (No, the bird won't die of mercury poisoning...it's not going to fly the coop anytime soon!)

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey. (Pull yourself together, or else the Fickle Finger of Fate will knock on your door, and you don't want that do you>)

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours. (Half-baked expectations won't do, besides if you don't get this right, Santa's not going to leave you a darn thing under the tree this year!)

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey. (What do you mean you've lost the turkey and the oven, look again silly!)

Step 15: Floor the turkey up off of the pick. (Oh for goodness say, stop snivelling, just suck it up for pity's sake!)

Step 16: Turk the carvey. (Are you really sure that bread knife will do the trick?)

Step 17: Get yourself another scottle of botch. (You need a little time to reflect on things...so why not ...grab a bit more grog while you're at it!)

Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey. (What do you mean you can't remember who you invited over, and you just want finger food tonight...get a grip!)

Step 19: Bless the saying, pass and eat out. (Frankly, I wouldn't let the turkey get you down, just call a taxi and let someone else cook the Big Bird!)

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Insert Image: fooksie63@flickr.com

Now here's one very tantilizing tasty turkey for any holiday table!

BIG BIKINI BIRD INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan.

3. Position the foil wrap carefully or at the very least very creatively.

4. Roast according to your own recipe, without basting the bikini right off the bird of course.

5. Serve piping hot.

6. Then observe the faces of your guests...perhaps a snicker, smile or snort are now in order!

7. Before you dig in...bless the big bikini bird...because trust me, you'll never ever see this one again!

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Image Credit: Ronnie H at flickr.com

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner
Stay off your hips n' thighs!

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Image Credit: Dave Ward Photography@flickr.com

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Image Credit: jimsuldog.blogspot.com/turkey-and-santa-cartoon-november-my-month

When Teddy told Tommy and Timothy Turkey the trick to transcending Thanksgiving tragedy...it was music to their ears!