WELCOME TO LET'S TALK TURKEY
This lighthearted lens is devoted to turkeys everywhere...the ones who drive you to crazy...or the ones that end up stuffed on your holiday table.
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Inserted Image: Courtesy of fooksie63@flickr.com
And a Festive Fowl Occasion To You Too!
"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it." ( Berke Breathed, "Bloom County")
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE TURKEY TRAPPINGS?
Americans have had a heavenly attachment to this big bird since Benjamin Franklin suggested the turkey be declared the national bird.Since turkeys are thought to be not the brightest birds on the block, this suggested was stuffed and put back on the shelf in favor of the bald eagle which was seen to be a classier, carnivorous critter (and as a bird of prey more likely to scare the living daylights out others unlike a 'dumb-clucking' turkey).
So, in honor of this breathtakingly bemusing bird with all the trimmings which is served on holiday occasions, (like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Chrismakwanzaakah), a smattering of size-challenged settlements have been named after them.
-- Little Turkey, Iowa
-- Turkey - in Arizona, Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio, Texas, Washington, and West Virginia
-- Turkey Branch, Alabama
-- Turkey City, Pennsylvania
-- Turkey Cobble, Connecticut
-- Turkey Creek - in Arizona, Florida, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missipppi, and Tennessee
-- Turkey Creek Acres, Florida
-- Turkey Creek Meadows, Indiana
-- Turkey Creek Mobile Home Park, North Carolina
-- Turkey Crossing, Arizona
-- Turkey Flat, Arizona
-- Turkey Foot, Florida and Kentucky
-- Turkey Foot Corner, Ohio
-- Turkey Ford in North Carolina, Oklahoma, and Virgina
-- Turkey Fork - Virginia
-- Turkey Hill, South Carolina, Maryland, and Connecticut
-- Turkey Hill Shores, Massachusetts
-- Turkey Hollow - in Texas and Florida
-- Turkey Knob, West Virginia
-- Turkey Pen, Kentucky
-- Turkey Pen Gap, North Carolina
-- Turkey Point, Maryland and Georgia
-- Turkey Point Corner, New Jersey
-- Turkey Pond, South Carolina
-- Turkey Ridge - in Maryland, Missouri, Pennsylvania, and South Dakota
-- Turkey River - Indiana
-- Turkey Run in Pennsylvania and Virginia
-- Turkey Scratch, Arizona
-- Upper Turkey, Kentucky
-- Turkey Town, Alabama (historical settlement)
-- Turkeytown, Tennessee (historical settlement)
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Insert Image: Courtesy of bcanada92@flickr.com
TANTALIZING TURKEY QUOTES
TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. -- Ambrose Bierce (American Writer, Journalist and Editor, 1842-1914)We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. (George Carlin, 1937-2008, American comedian)
I love Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor and governor of California
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. -- Irish Proverb
A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island. -- Johnny Carson
A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas. -- Alice Glynn
What is sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey or the guinea hen. -- Alice B. Toklas, 1886-1967.
A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. -- Ken Hubbard (American Humorist and Writer, 1868-1930)
Our Table Talk tonight is, "A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex", so Big Bird, what do you have to say about the birds and the bees? (Anonymous)
It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes, is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is uneatable without it. -- Alistair Cooke (American journalist and commentator, b.1908)
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Inserted Image: Courtesy of fooksie63@flickr.com
TURKEY: (n.) a titantic twit with more twaddle than gobble gobble going for him.
Praise be to all the turkeys behind me in the movie theatre and ahead of me in the grocery store lineup!
IT'S TURKEY TIME AGAIN!
Talk Turkey to Me: A Good Time in the Kitchen Talking Turkey and All the Trimmings
A bird in the oven is worth two in the bush!
Amazon Price: $14.96 (as of 12/30/2009) 
CDN Proaccurate Stainless Digital Thermometer
You'll need all the tools you can get to make this a success!
Amazon Price: $20.99 (as of 12/30/2009)
Roscan 6 Piece 4 Inch Poultry Lacer Set With String
Itty bitty things can make all the difference when it comes to holding your big bird together!
Amazon Price: $2.99 (as of 12/30/2009)
Wusthof Classic Hollow Ground Carving Set
Your big bird deserves nothing but the best carving set in town!
Amazon Price: $159.95 (as of 12/30/2009)
"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before." -- Rita Rudner
LET'S TALK TURKEY!
Exactly what does "talking turkey" mean?Well this expression is a handy way of saying a willingness to face unpleasant truths squarely or to speak plainly about a difficult or awkward subject, whether it's about the inconvenient truth about the proverbial elephant sitting in the living room or a clothing-optional Emporer parading about town.
Since Americans came up with the term, it's no surprise that they have a franchise on the origin of the term.
As usual, no one has come up with how or why turkeys are associated with being honest and straightforward when confronting difficulties, but some have suggested that it may have something to do with the fact that turkey farmers were renowned at one time for their lack of pretense and blunt speech.
Another wordmonger from the Land of Stars and Strips suggests that "Turkey gobbling was a distinct, natural sound on frontier farms." So, to "talk turkey" meant to skip the small talk and "get down to brass tacks" (i.e. to talk about what's important), because farmers are a busy bunch plowing the fields, milking the cows, and shooting the bull about the weather.
And yet another equal opportunity wordbird suggested that back in the good old days of Boston tea parties and big bonfires, a settler and a Native American went hunting for birds, and bagged an equal number of turkeys and buzzards. When the pilgrim "divided the game, he took the two turkeys, leaving the buzzards for his companion." Justifiably annoyed, the Native American came back with a zappy zinger, "Stop talking birds, let's talk turkey."
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Insert Image: Courtesy of Daniel Morris@flickr.com
NEVER LET THE TURKEYS GET YOU DOWN! (A toast to "Turkey Flat Butcher's Block" -- 2002 Shiraz Grenache)
For only $11.45/bottle or $129.95/case you too can enjoy "Turkey Ridge Creek Merlot"!
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY by Twit Tippler
Step 1: Go buy a turkey (no not a frigging frozen thing...a fresh one that's been plucked)
Step 2: Take a sip of Austin Nichols Wild Turkey whiskey and truss your turkey (i.e. stuff the body with thawed pork sausages and Stove Top stuffing mix...that should do it.)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven (no, not your microwave, it won't fit!)
Step 4: Take another 2 sips of Austin Nichols whiskey.
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens (yup 375, that should to it.)
Step 6: Take 3 more swigs of Austin Nichols.
Step 7: Turn oven the on. (What do you mean you can't find the oven...look again!)
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky. (You're beginning to feel pretty good about life aren't you!)
Step 9: Turk the bastey. (Remember, baste makes haste or whatever.)
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get. (Look get your priorities straight will you, cooking this bird is no joke!)
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer. (No, the bird won't die of mercury poisoning...it's not going to fly the coop anytime soon!)
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey. (Pull yourself together, or else the Fickle Finger of Fate will knock on your door, and you don't want that do you>)
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours. (Half-baked expectations won't do, besides if you don't get this right, Santa's not going to leave you a darn thing under the tree this year!)
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey. (What do you mean you've lost the turkey and the oven, look again silly!)
Step 15: Floor the turkey up off of the pick. (Oh for goodness say, stop snivelling, just suck it up for pity's sake!)
Step 16: Turk the carvey. (Are you really sure that bread knife will do the trick?)
Step 17: Get yourself another scottle of botch. (You need a little time to reflect on things...so why not ...grab a bit more grog while you're at it!)
Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey. (What do you mean you can't remember who you invited over, and you just want finger food tonight...get a grip!)
Step 19: Bless the saying, pass and eat out. (Frankly, I wouldn't let the turkey get you down, just call a taxi and let someone else cook the Big Bird!)
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Insert Image: fooksie63@flickr.com
WIT AND WISDOM FROM A WISE BIRD
The turkey is a funny bird
Its head goes bobble-bobble;
And all he knows is just one word...
And that is GOBBLE-GOBBLE!
WANNA BIT OF "CHRISMAKWANZAAKAH CUISINE"?
A RIPSNORTING RECIPE FOR A TANTALIZING TURKEY!
Now here's one very tantilizing tasty turkey for any holiday table!
BIG BIKINI BIRD INSTRUCTIONS
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan.
3. Position the foil wrap carefully or at the very least very creatively.
4. Roast according to your own recipe, without basting the bikini right off the bird of course.
5. Serve piping hot.
6. Then observe the faces of your guests...perhaps a snicker, smile or snort are now in order!
7. Before you dig in...bless the big bikini bird...because trust me, you'll never ever see this one again!
What do you mean a goblet isn't a young turkey?
NEWS FLASH FROM THE NORTH POLE: Santa's gonna quit smoking cold turkey on Christmas Eve!
"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." (Johnny Carson)
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner
Stay off your hips n' thighs!
(Anonymous)
TREASURES FOR TURKEY LOVERS
10 THINGS TO DO WITH LEFTOVER TURKEY
1. Give the giblets and gizzards to the grunt next door (that will keep him quiet for at least 24 hours).2. Give the dressing away to those crapping critters that drive you crazy like seagulls, geese, and crows (maybe they'll fertilize your lawn together with the liquid sunshine).
3. Auction off a well-done wing to the highest bidder on eBay, (this will appeal to any cheeky cheapskates looking for a bit of fowl food to enjoy).
4. Donate the pickled neck to a high school biology lab, (and you may finally fulfill your lifelong dream to become teacher's pet).
5. Make an abstract piece of art with a piece of freeze-dried turkey breast (then enter it in a public art competition; who knows it may be oddly outrageous enough to actually win the "booby" prize).
6. Send the bird to a taxidermist, (who'll fluff it, stuff it, and put it on a wall plaque -- just in time for Uncle Tanoose's birthday).
7. Add a few chunks of white meat to your Stone Soup recipe, (a great alternative to yet another bowl of boring letters in a liquid affectionately called "Alphabet Soup").
8. Give the remaining non-albino flesh to the Prince of Darkness (it's an equal opportunity, color-coordindated act of human kindness isn't it)?
9. Use the entire bird to clear a path in a crowded mall (filled with frantic folks trying to return those ugly Christmas sweaters).
10. Get in the groove by using the drumsticks as a percussion instrument, (just haul out the pots and pans and go to it - a recording contract is just around the corner)!
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Image Credit: Ronny H@flickr.com
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Image Credit: Dave Ward Photography@flickr.com
LET'S TALK TURKEY POLL
THERE'S AT LEAST ONE TURKEY IN EVERY HOUSEHOLD WHO WON'T COOPERATE
HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY!
The Compleat Turkey
A great guide on how to deal with blundering birds in your life.
Amazon Price: (as of 12/30/2009)
Don't Let the Turkeys Get You Down
This book is a must-have for the all turkeys in your life (particularly the ones who drop by for dinner without an invitation).
Amazon Price: (as of 12/30/2009)
Rugrats Holiday Celebration (Halloween/Turkey & Mistletoe)
For those who need mirth movie over the holiday along with their turkey, mistletoe, and hot toddies.
Amazon Price: $16.49 (as of 12/30/2009)
Secrets of Osceola Turkey Calling
For those who have everything or who've always wanted to become a champion "Turkey Caller"!
Amazon Price: $25.95 (as of 12/30/2009)
BATTY BOOKMARKS FOR BEMUSED BIRDS
FEEDBACK FROM THE FREE RANGE
Feel free to leave your tantalizing turkey comments here.
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Reply
- BusyQueen BusyQueen Nov 12, 2009 @ 8:44 pm
- Oh, ah love yo' lens an' yessuh yo' made me laugh! Fry mah hide with 5 stars!
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- daria369 daria369 Jan 15, 2009 @ 4:59 pm
- Thank you for joining my Squidoo group!
"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."
-- Buddha
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Reply
- lakeerieartists lakeerieartists Jan 1, 2009 @ 6:05 pm
- Very funny lens.
by quippingqueen
Never let the turkeys get you down!
H.R.H. Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity, Monarch of Mirth, and Giant Squid of Diddlysquat.
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