OVERCOMING LONELINESS WHILE SEPARATED BY DEPLOYMENT

The military lifestyle has many challenges, and one of them is operational deployments. Maintaining a healthy, long distance relationship in those circumstances is hard. My counsel is that it takes two mature people who are committed to effective communication to make it work. The key is good planning and following a few simple principles.

The first step is to clarify expectations.

Most couples when confronting the start of a long distance relationship think that they will be OK, but it is important that both parties are sure about the relationship and are determined to make it a long term one.

Next you will need to develop good communication skills.

When you make contact have a plan as to what you want to say. One approach is to talk about a fun time in your shared past, then talk about what you have been doing in the present, and then seek to share some visions of the future. Look for the positives in the current situation, remembering that even though you can't have physical contact, you are developing communication skills and continuing to build your relationship which will have long term benefits.

Trust is pivotal, so choose to believe that together you can make it work.

Temptations will come, loneliness sets you up to rationalise that is is OK to have a 'fling' with someone while away from your partner. But resist the urge, it will ultimately undermine the relationship and the trust on which the relationship is built.

If you are facing the challenge of maintaining your relationship over a long distance, you need to know ahead of time that it will be hard. Both you and your partner have to be committed to making it work, and hanging in there during the tough times. But if you follow my long distance relationship advice you and your partner have a real shot of having a great, long term loving relationship.

I never thought that there could be so many ways to communicate with my loved ones. I realized this when I was deployed last year to the MEAO. In the past, having conversations over the phone already amazed me because I could speak daily with my wife so easily. That was 2006. But after having two kids, it all changed. In 2009, back when my kids were both under 3, I was having difficulty talking with my eldest over the phone. He refused to do so. But technology saved me. We had the internet!.

I was now able to contact my family and even see each other through video calls using Skype. But it did take some prior planning. My wife planned to have my eldest put together a package to be sent to me weekly. They would do it at night and send it the next morning through the post office. It was difficult the first time they did it. My wife had to deal with the crying of my eldest since he thought his mommy was giving away the package which was supposed to be for me. We continued to talk over Skype and he was able to see me opening the presents he sent and heard me appreciating everything from the lollipops, to his toys and his paintings.

Every time I sent packages home, I would let him see what I was about to send before packing it. I would tell him which items belong to him and he was happy to share it with his brother. One time, I sent him a teddy bear; from then on, he never slept without that teddy bear beside him. This teddy bear had replaced his all time favorite toy. Some of the toys I sent him were bought in Australia and I took them with me when I was deployed.

Every conversation we had was done through Skype. Another important thing I did for him was to print screen our conversations using the Skype print screen function and send it to him so he would know that I could also see him. Before I left for deployment, I bought more toys and took pictures with me holding each of the toys and left them with my wife. Then during one of the times when my son was asking about me, my wife would bring out one of the pictures holding a toy and give him the toy, saying it was from daddy.

These are just some of the options available to those being deployed.

There are uncertainties in the mind of the child and they don't always understand the concept of deployment with daddy or mommy being away for a long time. These are just some of the options available to those parents who are being deployed. Using these, and some of your own ideas, can create a lot less stress on your young child's mind, and you will experience less stress also.

At the moment there are lots of dads and moms deployed, leaving behind wives and children. Four to six months away in a small child's life, seems like an eternity for them (sometimes for partners as well), and they have a lot of adjustments to make. It is so important to enter into the child's world and stay connected. A father's influence is most important in determining the values a child will develop, and the best thing a Dad can do for his kids, is to love their Mum.

For more info click on the following link Deployed Dads www.Be-A-Better-Dad.com, this resource is essential for any dad wanting to stay connected with his children during deployment. If you face such a situation, you may have some of these questions and concerns about the changes you and your family will go through in the coming days. Be prepared.

Learn more about coping in the militry in Padre's Ponderings.

Today we got the phone call alerting us to the fact that my husband will be deployed next year. We knew it was coming, but the phone call made it more definite and real, not just out there somewhere, sometime in the future. So it wasn't a surprise, but it still hard to get my mind around it and believe it. I feel a bit numb and find it difficult to get stuck into work. I want to be prepared this time, (this will be his 3rd deployment in 7 years) and want to plan things to do to keep me busy while he is away.

ONE WEEK LATER: Life has gone on much the same, until today....yes, another phone call. Our 8 month notice has turned into 8 weeks. Well, yes, we can do it, we will manage ok, but so much to do before he goes -I'd better get moving!

- Arrange to have coffee with a friend
- Find a friend and go for a bush walk
- Eat fish and chips at the beach with the children
- Go horse riding
- Have a massage or facial, pamper yourself and feel great
- Do some cooking with your children
- Ride a push bike
- Give blood, help someone
- Do a first aid course
- Buy or crossword book or a sudoku book and enjoy
- Write a letter to your in-laws telling them what a great son they have and you are proud of him and what he is doing
- Do some scrapbooking
- Make a cake for your children's teacher
- Watch a sunrise or sunset and take a picture
- Research your family tree
- Learn a new language
- Join a Pilates class
- Join a tap dancing class
- Swim regularly
- Do a computer course
- Go to the movies
- Attend Church...churches often have lots of activities
- Join a painting class
- Have Pole Dancing lessons
- Take up a hobby
- Make a Squidoo Lens.
- Find someone you can trust to share how you are feeling, to be accountable to and to help keep you on track
- Sell your old stuff on ebay
- If having problems coping talk to a Chaplain or Counsellor
- Break deployment up into section, so it doesn't seem quite so long, eg only 6 weeks until his break
- Join Facebook and connect with old friends
- Play Scrabble with a long distance friend on Facebook
- Take the opportunity to visit family and friends that you haven't seen for a while
- Do a cooking class or sewing class
- Take your children to the Zoo
- Volunteer to help out in your child's classroom, eg reading with children
- If partner agrees, buy a cat or a dog for companionship
- Watch a positive, uplifting movie or dvd
- Find yourself a job, and interact with other people
- Find a group who plays cards and join them
- Read 5 Love Languages and other marriage enriching books
- Read a biography and be inspired with what other people have done in their lives
- If you have kids, talk to them about what their Dad is doing (but don't overdo it, you don't want to frighten them)
- Talk lots with your children about their Dad, so that he is still part of their everyday lives
- Write a letter to your deployed partner, daily if possible. Letters say more than a short phone call and can add lots more content
- Post him a parcel
- Plan to do activities when you are the most lonely.
- Play sport, find a team close by, tennis, squash, hockey, cricket
- Join the gym
- Look after yourself, eat well, exercise regularly, keep positive attitude, keep a regular sleeping pattern. Consider your relationship with God. Do you need to renew this relationship?
- Build a web page
- If evenings are the hardest times, then plan things to do for those times
- Join a craft group, quilting, beading
- Find a dance class: belly dancing, line dancing, ballroom dancing
- Find a jewelery shop where you can make your own jewelery
- Do some cross stitch or long stitch
- Mix with people, plan lots of outings. Plan to leave the house everyday, even if it is just for a short walk
- Sit down and write a list of achievable goals, things to do while he is away and keep track of how you are going
- If he is away at Christmas or birthdays, plan usual activities, include other people
- when he phones, include family and friends in the conversation, but make sure you keep enough time for you two
- Search out and see if you can find some volunteer work: Salvation Army, Retirement Village. It always feels good to help others
- Be faithful to your partner, be proud of him, he is out serving his country
- Have your hair done, maybe a new style
- Invite some friends over for a weekly cards evening
- Just before he comes home, have your nails done - buy a new outfit to greet him
- Cook a meal for a friend who needs encouraging
- Talk with your partner and plan activities that you enjoy doing together, for when he returns. Remember, he will probably be tired from his deployment, so organise things that are not stressful.
- Prepare for his homecoming - take time to readjust to life together.
- Whatever happens, whatever you do, time WILL pass, and this WILL come to an end! So look for positive people and positive stuff to fill your life with, live life, love life, and love your partner! Have fun doing it!

Deployment is an ongoing feature of the AUSTRALIAN DEFENCE FORCE and it would appear that this trend is going to continue. The problems being even before the serving member has left the country, with the "Force preparation" and the many other pre-deployment tasks needing to be completed, and not leaving enough quality time for "family disengagement". It is important to prepare for, and work through the relational and emotional demands that deployment places on families. Good preparation is the key to a successful deployment and good communication skills are essential to negotiating this transition. An ability to honestly talk about the real issues, both the hopes and fears, logical and illogical, real and imagined, before leaving will pave the way for communication while separated. The more resources you have in this phase the better you will be able to handle the unexpected questions that arise.

The actual leaving is easier for the deployed member than the spouse and family. The member will be so busy getting it all together and working with the other elements of the unit, travelling and getting set up, that they will have little time to dwell on their loss. For those left behind, it feels like the deployed member doesn't care, that everyone and everything else is more important. It is hard to see the pressures that he is under, preparing for deployment.

While it is not easy, it is very important that you continue to work on communication with your partner, understanding that it will require more than just short telephone conversations. You will need to bear in mind that the time available for these calls is often at the discretion of the commander (who may be forced to reduce or suspend them)and content may need to be monitored for operational security reasons. Added to this is the lack of privacy at the deployed end making discussion of some topics difficult at best. Email has made it easier to keep in touch, and letter writing is always an option. We all like to receive a letter in the post, adults and children alike.

No matter the state of a relationship, we can always work on it, continually looking for ways to improve it and making it more fun and more exciting.

Winston Churchill once said "Out of great complexities intense simplicities emerge". Relationships are complex, it is easy to feel overwhelmed but for starters here are six simple things we can ALL do that will make a difference.

BE YOURSELF! We all want people to like us, especially those we live with, so we often try to cover up the real "me". You cannot build a relationship on lies so the first step is to accept yourself and be yourself.

BE FAITHFUL! In a rapidly changing society we all need security. If you cannot trust your partner then one of the foundations of your relationships is missing.

BE A LEARNER! Our lives should be a continual learning experience, not just in terms of our vocation but also in terms of family relationships. Often as adults we forget how hard learning is, we prefer to just stay where we are comfortable. Get out of the rut and learn something new with your partner.

BE REASONABLE! Family life is never just plain sailing, it is a continual test of wisdom and patience. Next time stress invades your family, take the time to be reasonable and ask yourself "Is this issue really worth arguing about?" Be reasonable, don't let the urgent squeeze out the important. A reasonable approach seeks to get the whole picture, accept compromises and new answers to old problems.

BE READY TO LAUGH! Humour is one of the best lubricants to quieten friction with the family. Don't take yourself so seriously, learn to laugh and you will find that it is not just good medicine, it is essential to family harmony. We need to relax and play together as families.

BE THANKFUL! Don't take your family for granted, be thankful for them, value them. When was the last time you expressed thanks to your partner for doing all those little things that you just expect?

That is just the tip of the iceberg! Marriage is so important, enough to keep working on it, rekindling the love that is there. Unlocking The Secret of Marriage will take you even further. Isn't your marriage worth that?

When one partner has been away for some time, weeks or months, it is inevitable that both partners will have changed. Yes, often each will expect the other to be who they were before separation. Settling back into "normal" life takes time, we allow 2 x the length of time separated. So if your partner was deployed for 6 months, then you need to allow 12 months after they come back to readjust to living together. Don't put lots of pressures on yourselves or each other, give each other time and space.