IT HAPPENS EVERY DOG-GONE TIME

Let,s face it, us dogs are some very slick and conniving creatures! We like to make humans think we won,t when we will? Confused? Ok, let me ( name withheld upon request for threat of being disowned and taken to the pound) shed some light on the subject. You humans know dog-gone well we will do whatever is necessary for our meals. We will fetch, sit, stand, rollover, play dead, whatever it takes. You dummies have no clue what is happening right under your very noses!

When you leave for work, go to the doctor, run errands, or go out on a date, guess what? WE take control of the house! I said before that we are smarter than you think! You make sure I have plenty of food and water and get plenty of exercise. . Well tonight is the night because my human and his missus are heading out for a night on the town. I,m going to have a night in the house.We also like the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, the moon up above, and a thing called LOVE. It,s PARTY TIME!

It,s around 8pm now and the master and missus is getting dressed, looking sharp in their fabric clothes. Too bad they can,t grow hair like we do and not worry about what to wear. After checking the house and making sure the doors and windows are secure, they are almost ready to exit. Of course they leave my doggy door open because they don,t want to come back and clean up my mess. I position myself to get my obligatory pat on my head as they proceed to go out the door, then listen for the sound of the key locking the door! I jump up and put my two front paws to the windowsill, watch them get in that little doghouse on wheels and wait till they,re out of sight. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Okay it,s time to head over and look at the clock.. Now before you start questioning how I can tell time, think about it! Dogs have been on this planet a long, long while. I figure we got here a few eons after the dinosaurs left and you guys starting walking upright. We darn sure didn,t arrive in a spaceship from some other planet, did we, (wink wink)? Anyway this is my story, not yours! So it,s off to a secret hiding place and pull out a dog whistle, the same one you supposedly "lost" which I accidentally "found". I pull out the spare dog dishes and rubber bones before my soon-to-be guests start arrive.

I sure as heck can,t use the phone and you,re asking why? You humans have no sense whatsoever! Imagine a dog barking into the receiver (the operator will think it,s a crank call), so I put the dog whistle between my paws and bark loudly! I wait and sure enough, within a few minutes, every dog within a five block radius comes running! They start piling in thru the doggy dog and the party is ON so let the games BEGIN! Every inch of the house is alive with dogs of all shapes and sizes, from tiny poodles to great danes, playing, high, er paw fiving, making out!

The radio station (G-R-R-R) is playing Elvis Presley,s "You Ain,t Nothin But A Hound Dog", as me and my bark buddies romp all around the house. Some get a card game going in the kitchen. Oh, so now you don,t believe me! You,ve seen that famous portrait of dogs playing poker hanging on someone,s bar wall right? You may have seem many still-life paintings but this one was REAL LIFE! Dogs won,t sit still long for anything so the artist (who currently resides in the local asylum because no one would believe him!) took a picture of the dogs playing and used that for the basis of his portrait.

Anyway, all of us are having a field night, barking, seeing which one can empty a dog dish the fastest, sniffing around the female members of our species huddled on one side of the room, and just having a dog-gone GOOD time. All of a sudden two dogs ( that sneaked in uninvited) start fighting over over all things---A BONE! We call humans crazy and now look at us! It,s not like gold or bling-bling, heck any dog can dig one up somewhere if it,s not too lazy to do so. Two dogs fighting multiply into four, then eight, then sixteen, well you get the big picture.

Now I,m running around like a doggone fool, barking orders, trying to get them to stop and not a single dog is paying attention to me! My little four-legged behind dodging falling lamps and various small pieces of glass what-nots, trying to get this snarling pack of rabid, out of their minds animals to stop! On and off the furniture which is being torn to bits, they fight back and forth. Bits of cotton and furniture stuffing fly all around the room as my bark buddies continue to destroy a once beautiful living room and den. Suddenly I hear the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway!

I take a quick peek at the clock and notice that it,s two hours have passed since this party began. These crazy canines hear the sound of cars doors closing, then approaching footsteps, and really start to panic because they don,t want a one-way trip to the dog pound. I,m not worried about the pound. It,s the dog food factory I,ll be going to! Suddenly there,s the sound of a key being inserted in the door, the key turning, and THE DOOR OPENING! My master steps in and is swallowed instantly by a WAVE of fur and paws!

After what seems like an eternity (actually a few seconds) my master picks himself up off the floor and begins to survey the mess before him. Now I'm not worried. Why not you ask? Because I,m going to one of three places; to the dog pound, the dog food factory (and shipped to supermarkets across America), or in a soon-to-be dug hole in the field behind the back yard fence. I,ve hastily written out my will (didn,t know we knew about these things did ya, AHA!) and I can,t give my personal belonging away per say as I don,t know all my kids, er, puppies. Anything that looks like me its first come first served.

Well the moral of this little tale is be a smart dog, not a dumb one like me. I outsmarted my own little four-legged tail by thinking I was smarter than my human. But before you get too worried about me, know this; I didn,t go to any of the after-mentioned places (whew!). My human disowned me and took me to a pet store where he traded me for a parrot! How dumb is that you say? Well I could only bark and run around the house. That parrot might be caged but he,s two-faced, er beaked ! He,ll tell all their BUSINESS to anyone that sets foot inside! Serves them right for getting rid of me. As for me, they play a certain song inside the pet shop hoping that somebody will be buy me; "HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW". Quite appropiate don,t you think?

Hello everyone! Here we go AGAIN! Do humans really think that they are in control? That they teach us how to fetch, sit, stand, do tricks, go to the bathroom, etc? Do they really think when dogs bark, they are just making noise? Well I got some shocking news for you; not only do we understand what you stupid creatures are saying, but we also can talk, just not in the human way. We have our own canine vocabulary. We bark, pant, whine, or beg (for food or to go outdoors).

Ever heard two dogs barking at each other from a distance? It,s the dog equivalent of humans conversing. You don,t see us walking around with cell-phones or text-messaging while chasing cars. Besides we would looke very foolish now wouldn,t we? Dumb humans will talk for hours about nothing or something that amounts to nothing. ! Dogs on the other hand, er paw, discuss dog stuff. We talk about fun things like; chasing cats up trees (good thing the fur balls can climb), bringing in the newspapers for our poor dumb masters (oops, mine don't have a subscription!), gnawing on the mailman,s leg (yummy, tastes like milk bone!), and just sitting and observing humans doing day to day meaningless activities.

For the most part when my master and I are out for a walk, I'm usually well behaved. But let me see a fine she dog (especially in heat)! Uh oh, here comes one aforementioned female dog with a fine human female walking her towards us. There is something about a petite, sexy french poodle that really gets my tongue hanging (bow wow wow)! I,m walking slightly behind my stupid owner, hurrying like he,s rushing to a fire with a tight rein on me, messing up my feral game, darn! I can,t even cop a sniff with this dummy moving so fast! So I mainly look and pant, my tongue almost dragging the ground. I glance at my master and see him ogling the human female so hard his eyes almost fall out of his head! He,s so busy looking as they pass by us that he walks right into the tree ahead! Serves the meat bag right for messing up my thing!

You gotta learn dog language folks cause we have a lot to say. We say a lot in a few barks than you two-legged meatballs say in 10 hours on the phone. Human males have the same look with tongue hanging out and drooling at the mouth, when they are interested in human females. Whats that famous human saying? Oh yeah, "Swing high, high five, swing low too slow!" That,s right most of you dumb brutes miss the boat. Either you stutter, stammer, or start talking about the wrong subject. When you try to talk and nothing comes out of your mouths, you call it being "tongue tied". Liars! I,ve looked directed into your mouths and have yet to see your tongues tied in a knot!

A lot of you don,t have, what,s those green pieces of paper called? Oh yeah, that,s right, M-O-N-E-Y. That,s the stuff my human uses to buy me food and other stuff. Most of the time when a human female finds that out that her male counterpart doesn,t have those pieces of shredded paper to spend on her, she is gone like the wind! Dogs don,t have that problem do we? A poor dog has to find a bone and a rich one has a steak brought to him but we still manage to eat. Either way our female dogs love us to death because we are what we are. We like the birds and the bees, the flowers and the trees, with no strings attached!

I have noticed human males being attacked verbally and sometimes physically by their mates when they show interest in another human female. The idiots try to do it on the sly and wind up getting caught. I,ve watched Cheaters TV show along with my master, of course. First they try to lie their way out despite getting caught with the pants down (literally). Then they hang their heads down and look stupid. Pleading, begging and kissing the ground usually works for some to get back into their significant other,s good graces. Others get their behinds kicked straight to the curve where they belong!

Male dogs, on the other paw, can have as many female members of our species as we can keep up with. We take on them all; short, tall, fat, lazy, blind, crippled or crazy. Dogs are skilled in the art of courtship however brief. Bring her a bone, sniff her a little bit, do the do, courtship over. We don,t ever worry about child support or even the matter of paternity like you do. You won,t ever see us on Jerry Springer or Maury Povich shows with all that drama! What child belongs with who, who slept with who,when, where, all that nonsense. We know our puppies because they look and act just like us!

Human beings don,t know it but we think they are nuts! They even came out with a dumb law that said no dog shall be in public without his human on a leash! Doesn,t matter that it,s attached to my collar, he thinks he,s in control and shows it when I try to go in another direction with a sharp jerk. Ain,t that just like a human? I bet if I break out in a run, this fool on the other end is either going to run real fast or let go! That,ll show his fleshy-boned behind!

To tell the truth, I have done it once or twice just for the heck of it. I got punished and had to stay in the doghouse (pen) for a few days. To you its just three or four days, but in dog time it,s a month in near solitary. My human will feed me while giving me that "I bet you won,t do it again" look. Well i did and was sent to obedience school. My sad dog eye routine isn,t working because it only works with the female variety. Oh well, at least I have plenty of time to think up something else. I like to let my human think that he is in control but the reality is that its the other way around. Sure I get the paper, bark when someone comes in the yard, play fetch the ball, stick, or whatever.

But the real payoff is: having free housing, food (Kibbles and Bits, Gravy Train, gourmet dog treats!), dog baths (soapy,sudsy), free health care (a trip to the vet), landscaping (burying and digging up bones), mating with the neighborhood girl dogs (whenever I can get off the confounded leash!), running through the neighborhood with my bark buddies, etc., the whole nine yards. The best part of it all? I trained my human to always pat and rub my furry head, to feed me at the right time, and to make sure I get plenty of exercise. Yes its hard training them at times but well worth the effort. I wouldn,t trade my human for all the dog biscuits in the world. After all, it,s a dog,s life!