Marital Divorce - Why Marriages Fail or Succeed

Every single marriage has problems, the question is whether you work through them out or not. It is not a question of whether you will have problems. You see, I really believe that every marriage is destined to have difficulty. That is just the way it is. Statistically speaking, half of those couples will choose not to work on their problems. About half will find a way to deal with the problems. That does not mean that there were no problems, only that they discovered how to deal with the problem.

A Great Analogy:
You have a great car that you really like. One day it starts to make some funny noises, maybe emits some smoke. Do you just dump it? Trade it in? Or do you try and find out what the problem is and find a way to fix it. 9 times out of 10, people will fix their car. It's a lot simpler (and cheaper) to do that than to go through the trouble of "disposing" of it and "replacing" it with a newer, better model. The same is true of marriage!

Marriage is tough. It's tough because it requires us to set ourselves and our ego aside for the betterment of both of us. In other words, we have to get outside of ourselves, and look at the greater good of both people. That does not mean that one person has to give up everything. But it does mean that it takes looking at the good of the relationship when making decisions.

Someone once said, "You can either be right. Or you can be happy, but you can't be both." This is especially true in marriage. If you insist on always being right, you both will be miserable. Choose to be happy. And when there is a problem, recognize that is normal, then seek out some help in resolving it. Marital Divorceis not the only answer, and I guarantee you that it will not bring you long-term happiness if you end your marriage. It's simply a choice you have to make.

No one is saying that your marriage isn't difficult. It might even be miserable. But an interesting set of statistics shows that people who take divorce off the table as an option not only resolve their issues, but end up being happier than ever. If your marriage is feeling troubled, and you're considering divorce, consider trying alternate therapies instead, marriage counseling, or just some open communication. But whatever you do, don't bring up the "D" word as an option, because doing that will change the rules of the game.

Now, of course it's important to acknowledge that there are a lot of influences on you to get a divorce. Your friends who don't like your spouse, legal advertisements, even popular culture. It's a common statistic that most marriages end in divorce, and so it seems like an acceptable, even normal way to resolve problems in a marriage.

But let's look at some statistics. Of all the couples surveyed who were contemplating divorce and then decided not to go through with it, 80% claimed to be happily married only five years later. In all likelihood this is due to two elements. The first is that those couples who decide not to consider divorce, were forced to deal with their problems head-on. This is a powerful and proactive tactic that will lead to acknowledgment of the problems the couples face, and maybe even to solutions.

The other element is that once divorce is considered, the dynamic of the relationship is changed. This is a more subtle, though far more destructive product of considering divorce. The dynamic of this is simple. When a fundamental disagreement develops in a marriage - as it will in almost all relationships - those who never consider divorce are forced to deal with the disagreement. Those who do consider divorce preserve an "out" that can be used without ever addressing the issue. As the problems in the marriage mount, or the fundamental issues become more divisive, the easy out of divorce can become more and more appealing.

This thinking will take both of you, however. When both people in a marriage are actively searching for a solution to a problem, and both accept that divorce is not - and will not be - an option, a solution will almost surely be found. You and your spouse will be asking what you can do to make things better, rather than asking if it's worth it, or if you should cut your losses and run.

Remove Marital Divorce as an option and endeavor to go into relationship counseling, therapy of some kind, or just talk about your problems in a mature and open way. It seems simplistic, but statistically it also seems to work. Those who deny divorce as a viable end to a committed marriage will also be more motivated to work on that
marriage, and work through the problems that could, without communication and understanding, put an end to something that was supposed to be a lifetime commitment and bond.

Your situation is not as unique as you may think. Many married couples face the same dilemmas in their relationship, which is why it is possible to fix your marriage and stop a divorce.

Here are four things that can begin making a difference.
1. Commit to change. Even if you are the only one who is willing to try, be willing. It always takes a first step and your responsibility is for your actions, not your spouses. Commit YOURSELF to making some changes. I once heard it said that marriage is like an algebra equation. If one half of the equation changes, the other half can't help but change in some way as well.

A very powerful first step is to change you perspective on your spouse and on your marriage. Begin by choosing to look for the positive in everything. Now I am not saying to trick your mind about the problems you are facing. Instead, rather than focusing solely on them, focus on good things as well. Seek out good things in your spouse everyday. Being a pessimist is easy. Choosing to focus on the positive is hard.

Visit STOP THE DIVORCE for more insight on perspective and a list of 25 things that destroy Love in a marriage.

2. Do not try to immediately change your spouses feelings. Again, your spouse is the only one who can change their feelings. You can change YOUR feelings and also your actions and reactions to things. Focus on yourself, and what things you can do differently. One really helpful thing to do is to choose to act lovingly towards your spouse at all times. Show them unconditional love and acceptance.
By choosing to behave lovingly towards them, it will automatically help those feelings to resurface in your spouse. Your very actions can cause the reaction you want. Just as your anger or argumentativeness or whatever negative reaction you give, can bring about the same kind of reaction from them. Choose to be loving and positive and see what happens.

3. Examine your relationship and find out what the problems really are. Take time to try and figure out what is not working right now. Your spouse has wants and needs that aren't being met, as do you. If you don't sit down and take the time to really pinpoint the problems, you can't begin to change them. You can't save your marriage without knowing what you are up against. A plan with set goals is essential. This is where help from a Trained Marriage Expert can really help. Knowing what the problems are and knowing how to fix them are two different things completely. Often times this is where couples get stuck and the relationship falls apart completely.

4. Open up communication and talk it out. This is hard to do because as things have built up inside of each of you, you have become so lost in your grudges that you no longer talk to each other. Set aside some time to engage in real conversation with your spouse. Be prepared to stay calm and positive and to look at that time as a start towards healing and not as a time for attacking each other.

This means you have to share, and receive what your spouse has to say, with a positive view. When your spouse provides feedback or makes a remark, try not to take it defensively. Instead, try and "hear" what it is that you can do differently. You want to stay calm, and use a quieter voice when speaking. When you are your spouse is upset, it is difficult to have any form of positive communication, so avoid going down that road if at all possible.

A marriage ending in divorce is a tragedy for everyone involved. Divorce has a catastrophic effect on everyone around you: children, family, friends, indeed, your whole network.

Are you wondering if you'll be able to put a stop to your divorce? I want to reassure you that you can--and not only that, You CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE and avoid a Marital Divorce.

Happiness is a choice. In the midst of this painful time, you can choose to find happiness in your life, in your relationship and in your spouse. Look around and choose to find the happiness that is around you.. If you are paying attention, you will see all the good opportunities to find joy.

I once heard it explained like this: Marriage is like an algebra equation; if one half changes, the other half inevitably changes as well. Looks like you should get to work on changing the equation!