Montessori, Independence and Self-Esteem

I purchased the bumper sticker at a conference last year because it seemed to encapsulate the goals of Montessori education as well as my own goal as a parent. Montessori: Foster Independence and Self-Esteem Will Grow. We all want our children to be happy, healthy and have a great self-esteem. With the best of intentions we praise our children for even the most mundane tasks: going potty, drawing a picture, zipping a coat, etc. Instead of feeling pride in the accomplishment, the child learns to do things in order to get a specific response from you. What happens then when your child comes to you with the latest drawing when you are on the phone with your mother-in-law while you are in the middle of making dinner and you end up snapping? The child walks away crushed and more than a little confused.

If praise isn't the way to build a child's self-esteem, what is? The answer is fostering independence. In a Montessori classroom this begins with the introduction to the Practical Life area. This is where a child can learn how to pour without spilling. If you do spill, materials are at hand to help you clean up the mess. A child learns how to handle a broom, a mop, a carpet sweeper. They learn how to dust, clean windows and even to wash dishes! They can prepare a snack whenever they are hungry. They learn how to button, zip and tie shoes. In short, what they are learning is how to care for themselves and their environment. They learn basic physical skills needed for independent living.

Even without access to a Montessori classroom or training, you can do the same things at home. When interacting with your child, first ask yourself "What about this activity can my child do?" If the answer is nothing, you then ask yourself "Could my child do this if adjusted?" For example, a small child could not successfully pour milk from a gallon jug. They could if you first decanted the milk into a small pitcher. After assessing the activity comes the tricky part: letting the child do it. It may not be perfect and they may not always succeed. But unless it is a matter of health , safety or getting fired because you are late again, LET THEM DO IT! By doing so you are in fact telling your child "I believe in you". The child is also learning the satisfaction of completing a difficult (to them) task on their own. Knowing you CAN do something is a powerful ego booster. The more it happens, the better the self-esteem.

Go ahead and try it with your own child. For one day, do absolutely nothing for your child you know (or even suspect) they can do on their own. Let them pour their own milk and maybe even make a peanut butter sandwich. I know you can do it because I believe in you!

Jeff Bezos: founder of Amazon.com
Larry Page: co-founder Google
Sergey Brin: co-founder Google
David Blaine: magician
Katherine Graham: former owner of the Washington Post

(And yes, all the people in the poll were Montessori students!)

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"The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence."

Denis Waitley

"Independence is happiness."

Susan B. Anthony

"Independence - is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes"

Mark Twain

"If we value independence, if we are disturbed by the growing conformity of knowledge, of values, of attitudes, which our present system induces, then we may wish to set up conditions of learning which make for uniqueness, for self-direction, and for self-initiated learning."

Carl Rogers

"You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence."

Abraham Lincoln

"To safeguard democracy the people must have a keen sense of independence, self-respect, and their oneness."

Mahatma Gandhi

"There is often as much independence in not being led as in not being driven."

Tryon Edwards

For a child, learning to use the toilet is a major milestone in becoming an independent human being. Just think about it: how would you feel right now if you needed another adult to assist you in the bathroom?

How to introduce toilet learning is a very personal choice, and there are many options available to choose from. Whatever method you decide to follow, I recommend that you have a plan of action in place long before you think your child will be ready to learn. She may be ready at 12 months, especially if you are using cloth diapers. Generally, children are ready to learn between 18 months to 2 1/2 years of age. Some signs of being ready include: able to communicate that they need or want to be changed, able to pull pants down on their own, and wanting privacy when filling their diaper. Visit Daily Montessori for a detailed list of readiness signs and an overview of a Montessori approach to toilet learning.

When I grow up I hope to be an expert on Montessori and education in general (among many other things). In the mean time, I am happy to share my opinions and look forward to seeing where my quest for knowledge will take me. I do consider myself a life-long learner after all! To quote Maria Montessori, "Our goal is not so much the imparting of knowledge as the unveiling and developing of spiritual energy."