A little about me.
My name is Jenny Fields. I've recently realized that I am a drug addict. This blog will chronicle my realization and, hopefully, my recovery. It is my sincere desire that some part of my experience will help you come to terms with your addiction, no matter what your addiction of choice is.
The picture at the left are of my 3 grandaughters, Xenah, Xeta (Sayta), and Xalene(Salene). My son-in-law has a thing with X's.
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 12
I am now up to July 15th. Jon was tired of trying to pay the bills on time so I took over the checkbook. Wow! Was I excited. I had full control over the money and could spend as much as I wanted on the methadone. Which is what I did.
On July 18th, my parents came to town from Arkansas to finally get to see their great grandchildren. They were staying at my sisters house, so we went over there to see them the next day. Our checking account was totally overdrawn. I needed to find a way to get more money. I knew my parents would have lots of cash with them, and we did need some money so we could buy gasoline, so I asked mom if I could borrow $50.00 that I would be able to pay her back on the following Tuesday. She said sure. I informed Jon what I was doing. When mom went to get the money, I asked if I could borrow 100.00 instead, knowing that I would spend at least half of that on the drugs. During this visit I also visited Mary's bathroom again, but the lortab was not there.
On July 20th, my granddaughter, Xeta (Sayta) had her first birthday. Since I had already used half of what mom had given me for the methadone, I needed more money. I saw my mom's wallet on the kitchen table. I found myself taking $50.00 from her wallet. I used that money for the next days methadone. The following Tuesday I paid mom back for the $100.00 I borrowed.
Since I now had total control over the checkbook, nothing got paid in July. What was not used for food and gasoline, I used to purchase methadone.
On July 25th, my supplier told me that, since she missed one of her meetings, she now had to go to the clinic daily for her dosage, which meant no more methadone for me. I was panicking. Was I going to be able to detox from this myself? I had no clue. At least I was going to have the weekend to try. I stayed in bed both days and nights. While I was on the methadone I was not able to sleep very well, so I told Jon that it had caught up with me and that was why I was sleeping so much.
During the week that I didn't have the methadone I had to find another drug to help me through the detox. I turned to my aderall. I was prescribed 30 mgs. twice a day. I honestly don't know how much I was taking, but it was enough to keep me up and semi-functional. Also during this week, I sent text messages daily to my supplier begging for another dose. She didn't have it.
My next post will explain how I came to realize that I am an addict. I will also tell you about my week in the inpatient unit.
Thank you,
Jenny
On July 18th, my parents came to town from Arkansas to finally get to see their great grandchildren. They were staying at my sisters house, so we went over there to see them the next day. Our checking account was totally overdrawn. I needed to find a way to get more money. I knew my parents would have lots of cash with them, and we did need some money so we could buy gasoline, so I asked mom if I could borrow $50.00 that I would be able to pay her back on the following Tuesday. She said sure. I informed Jon what I was doing. When mom went to get the money, I asked if I could borrow 100.00 instead, knowing that I would spend at least half of that on the drugs. During this visit I also visited Mary's bathroom again, but the lortab was not there.
On July 20th, my granddaughter, Xeta (Sayta) had her first birthday. Since I had already used half of what mom had given me for the methadone, I needed more money. I saw my mom's wallet on the kitchen table. I found myself taking $50.00 from her wallet. I used that money for the next days methadone. The following Tuesday I paid mom back for the $100.00 I borrowed.
Since I now had total control over the checkbook, nothing got paid in July. What was not used for food and gasoline, I used to purchase methadone.
On July 25th, my supplier told me that, since she missed one of her meetings, she now had to go to the clinic daily for her dosage, which meant no more methadone for me. I was panicking. Was I going to be able to detox from this myself? I had no clue. At least I was going to have the weekend to try. I stayed in bed both days and nights. While I was on the methadone I was not able to sleep very well, so I told Jon that it had caught up with me and that was why I was sleeping so much.
During the week that I didn't have the methadone I had to find another drug to help me through the detox. I turned to my aderall. I was prescribed 30 mgs. twice a day. I honestly don't know how much I was taking, but it was enough to keep me up and semi-functional. Also during this week, I sent text messages daily to my supplier begging for another dose. She didn't have it.
My next post will explain how I came to realize that I am an addict. I will also tell you about my week in the inpatient unit.
Thank you,
Jenny
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 11
In early July I was having extreme difficulty in obtaining drugs from any doctor. This time they were all on to me. This is when I was introduced to methadone. Before that, I was obtaining drugs from doctors so, in my addiction controlled mind, I felt all that time I was not an addict because they were prescribed drugs. But now I had graduated to getting drugs from the street.
Unfortunately, where I work is a mecca for drug seekers. This is where I found my connection for the methadone. The person I was getting it from was getting it prescribed for her because she had been a heroin addict. She had been on it long enough that she graduated from having to go to the hospital every day for her daily doses to going only on Monday and getting a weeks worth. She would sell me one dose (20 mgs) for $20.00.
Of course one dose a day was not enough for me. I went from one a day to two a day for the first part of my methadone abuse. This is when my life got totally out of control.
Since I was taking 2 and sometimes 3 doses a day, I had to find a way to come up with money. I started by simply using my bank card and taking money out. It didn't matter to me whether or not there was money available. We were having money problems anyway and neither Jon nor I was keeping an eye on the checking account. So I was able to obtain money with this method for about a week.
After that, Jon started to notice my withdrawals and asked how the money was being used. Sometimes I would simply say - stuff. That held him for a few days. I knew I had to come up with a convincing reason why I was taking out so much money.
At this same time my daughter and her husband were, and are, having financial difficulties. So were we, but that didn't matter. As I explained to Jon, she is my daughter and she needs help. So, he was under the impression I was giving money to her. He didn't agree with it, but understood.
About 3 weeks into my methadone usage, there came a day when I was not able to obtain my daily purchase. On that day Jon and I went to my sister's house for a visit. I went into Mary, her partner's, bathroom and stole some lortab. I don't know how many I took. I do know that as soon as I got to the kitchen, I downed them all. That held me until I could score the next day.
The week of July 13 I began having unbelievable swelling in my legs. My legs and my ankles were the same size as my thighs, I called them thighkles. I'm talking HUGE. I went to the doctor. He did blood tests to make sure all my organs were working, they were. Which led to the diagnosis of leaking veins. I would need to wear support hose during the day and wrap my legs at night. It wasn't until I admitted myself to inpatient on 8/4/08 that I found out the swelling was due to the abuse of methadone. I was also having blackouts. Not that I was forgetting things, but I would at times, just 'check out'. Whether I was sitting, standing, in the middle of a sentence, it didn't matter. Sometimes I would check out so far that I would begin to pass out. I was able to 'come out of it' in time so I didn't fall. I found out during my inpatient stay that, during those episodes, I was near death.
My next post will pick up there.
Thank you,
Jenny
Unfortunately, where I work is a mecca for drug seekers. This is where I found my connection for the methadone. The person I was getting it from was getting it prescribed for her because she had been a heroin addict. She had been on it long enough that she graduated from having to go to the hospital every day for her daily doses to going only on Monday and getting a weeks worth. She would sell me one dose (20 mgs) for $20.00.
Of course one dose a day was not enough for me. I went from one a day to two a day for the first part of my methadone abuse. This is when my life got totally out of control.
Since I was taking 2 and sometimes 3 doses a day, I had to find a way to come up with money. I started by simply using my bank card and taking money out. It didn't matter to me whether or not there was money available. We were having money problems anyway and neither Jon nor I was keeping an eye on the checking account. So I was able to obtain money with this method for about a week.
After that, Jon started to notice my withdrawals and asked how the money was being used. Sometimes I would simply say - stuff. That held him for a few days. I knew I had to come up with a convincing reason why I was taking out so much money.
At this same time my daughter and her husband were, and are, having financial difficulties. So were we, but that didn't matter. As I explained to Jon, she is my daughter and she needs help. So, he was under the impression I was giving money to her. He didn't agree with it, but understood.
About 3 weeks into my methadone usage, there came a day when I was not able to obtain my daily purchase. On that day Jon and I went to my sister's house for a visit. I went into Mary, her partner's, bathroom and stole some lortab. I don't know how many I took. I do know that as soon as I got to the kitchen, I downed them all. That held me until I could score the next day.
The week of July 13 I began having unbelievable swelling in my legs. My legs and my ankles were the same size as my thighs, I called them thighkles. I'm talking HUGE. I went to the doctor. He did blood tests to make sure all my organs were working, they were. Which led to the diagnosis of leaking veins. I would need to wear support hose during the day and wrap my legs at night. It wasn't until I admitted myself to inpatient on 8/4/08 that I found out the swelling was due to the abuse of methadone. I was also having blackouts. Not that I was forgetting things, but I would at times, just 'check out'. Whether I was sitting, standing, in the middle of a sentence, it didn't matter. Sometimes I would check out so far that I would begin to pass out. I was able to 'come out of it' in time so I didn't fall. I found out during my inpatient stay that, during those episodes, I was near death.
My next post will pick up there.
Thank you,
Jenny
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 10
Before I pick up where I left off, I forgot a couple of issues that I should have included in the blog.
In 2005 I had surgery on my right foot for plantars faciaitus (I seriously doubt I spelled that correctly) also known as a heal spur. So there was about a month of an endless supply of lortab.
In September, 2007 I went to the ER to admit myself in to the Inpatient Behavioral Health Unit because I was detoxing on my own which was hard enough, but then add my depression to that, which always accompanied my detox attempts, so I was suicidal. While in the ER waiting to be admitted, I asked the nurse if I could go outside and have a smoke.
While out there I picked up a rock from the landscaping that I thought could be sharp enough to use to cut myself. Being in and out of the Inpatient Unit, I had learned more about cutting. I learned that those that cut themselves do so for a few reasons: 1) it relieves the inner pain they are feeling or 2) it gives them a feeling of control over some portion of their life, 3) they really do like pain. I never quite understood it and knew, up until this time, that I could never do that because I hate pain.
My reason was none of the above. My addict mind told me that if I could cut myself bad enough to require stitches, it would also require pain medications.
When I got back into the ER room, I tried to cut my left inner forearm. Just my luck the rock did not cut through my skin but it did rub away a few layers of skin to cause an irritation and minor bleeding. As I was rubbing away, a nurse walked pass the open door and saw what I was doing. She grabbed the rock and I was at the Inpatient Unit within 10 minutes.
That resulted in a weekend stay. I was admitted on a Friday and discharged on Sunday with a prescription of lortab because I said my arm hurt much more than it did.
During that stay I talked with my psychiatrist about not being able to stay focused on anything nor was I able to retain something I had just read. He asked if there was a history of ADD or ADHD in my family. When my sister, Karrie, was very young she was on Ritalin for a period of time. It was then that he diagnosed me with Adult ADD. I challenged that diagnosis because I wasn't aware that there was an attention deficit disorder that did not include hyperactivity, of which I do not suffer from. He explained that the ADD I have does not include the hyperactivity part. He said that many adults have ADD and don't realize it for the same reason I was challenging it. This is when he added Adderal to my list of medications.
Okay, now that I've updated you on what I had left out, my next post will pick up in July, 2008.
Thank you,
Jenny
In 2005 I had surgery on my right foot for plantars faciaitus (I seriously doubt I spelled that correctly) also known as a heal spur. So there was about a month of an endless supply of lortab.
In September, 2007 I went to the ER to admit myself in to the Inpatient Behavioral Health Unit because I was detoxing on my own which was hard enough, but then add my depression to that, which always accompanied my detox attempts, so I was suicidal. While in the ER waiting to be admitted, I asked the nurse if I could go outside and have a smoke.
While out there I picked up a rock from the landscaping that I thought could be sharp enough to use to cut myself. Being in and out of the Inpatient Unit, I had learned more about cutting. I learned that those that cut themselves do so for a few reasons: 1) it relieves the inner pain they are feeling or 2) it gives them a feeling of control over some portion of their life, 3) they really do like pain. I never quite understood it and knew, up until this time, that I could never do that because I hate pain.
My reason was none of the above. My addict mind told me that if I could cut myself bad enough to require stitches, it would also require pain medications.
When I got back into the ER room, I tried to cut my left inner forearm. Just my luck the rock did not cut through my skin but it did rub away a few layers of skin to cause an irritation and minor bleeding. As I was rubbing away, a nurse walked pass the open door and saw what I was doing. She grabbed the rock and I was at the Inpatient Unit within 10 minutes.
That resulted in a weekend stay. I was admitted on a Friday and discharged on Sunday with a prescription of lortab because I said my arm hurt much more than it did.
During that stay I talked with my psychiatrist about not being able to stay focused on anything nor was I able to retain something I had just read. He asked if there was a history of ADD or ADHD in my family. When my sister, Karrie, was very young she was on Ritalin for a period of time. It was then that he diagnosed me with Adult ADD. I challenged that diagnosis because I wasn't aware that there was an attention deficit disorder that did not include hyperactivity, of which I do not suffer from. He explained that the ADD I have does not include the hyperactivity part. He said that many adults have ADD and don't realize it for the same reason I was challenging it. This is when he added Adderal to my list of medications.
Okay, now that I've updated you on what I had left out, my next post will pick up in July, 2008.
Thank you,
Jenny
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 9
In December my jaw began hurting again. Back to the TMJ specialist. The shot had only lasted 4 months. The specialist didn't think it was a good sign, but agreed to give me another treatment along with a prescription of lortab with 1 refill.
I was still having issues with my knee and got lortab off and on from January, 2008 to the latter part of February, 2008 when I had surgery on that knee. While in recovery, I made sure I got all the IV drugs they would give me. I left there with a prescription for lortab. Since I took that 30 pill prescription within 3 days, I called the doctor and told him the 10 mg tablets they had given me were overkill and requested a prescription for 7.5 mgs. The doctor happily called in that prescription. That prescription again lasted about 3 days at which time I decided to wait until the time that the prescription should have lasted and then called for a refill. Again, he called it in to the pharmacy. This got me through until about mid March.
I was faced with the fact that I would not be able to obtain any more lortab, until, I decided that my knee recovery was not going well and I was in additional pain. When I called the doctor who had performed the surgery, he refused to give me lortab. He said per notes from my primary care physician, he could only give me darvocet. That was fine with me as I could abuse that as well. The high wasn't as good as the one I would get with the lortab, but it was better than nothing. I went to a few physical therapy appointments because I knew that after the appointment, I could tell the doctor that the therapy aggravated my knee and obtain another prescription for darvocet.
I am now into May, 2008. It was around this time that my drug use was affecting our finances. Not only because paying for the prescriptions added up, but also because we were also being billed for all the doctor appointments I would have in an attempt to obtain more drugs. But even bigger than those things, I was missing work, a lot. After each time I would get a round of drugs from the doctor, I would make sure that when each prescription ran out would land on a Friday. That way I could detox over the weekend. Unfortunately, it often took more than just two days to detox.
Every time I called in sick to work I would lose points. My employer does not allow any time for being sick. In June I had gotten dangerously close to being out of points. Then in late June my employer was desperately needing people to work on a Sunday because our main office in Iowa had just been flooded that week and the systems had been down. Since they get paid, from company who contracted for our services, for each call we take, they weren't able to maintain normal call volumes. An incentive to work was either double pay or the addition of 4 points for an eight hour shift. I chose to work for the points. Whew! I had dodged a bad situation there.
Part 9 will begin with my introduction and abuse of methadone.
Thank you and have a great LONG weekend.
Jenny
I was still having issues with my knee and got lortab off and on from January, 2008 to the latter part of February, 2008 when I had surgery on that knee. While in recovery, I made sure I got all the IV drugs they would give me. I left there with a prescription for lortab. Since I took that 30 pill prescription within 3 days, I called the doctor and told him the 10 mg tablets they had given me were overkill and requested a prescription for 7.5 mgs. The doctor happily called in that prescription. That prescription again lasted about 3 days at which time I decided to wait until the time that the prescription should have lasted and then called for a refill. Again, he called it in to the pharmacy. This got me through until about mid March.
I was faced with the fact that I would not be able to obtain any more lortab, until, I decided that my knee recovery was not going well and I was in additional pain. When I called the doctor who had performed the surgery, he refused to give me lortab. He said per notes from my primary care physician, he could only give me darvocet. That was fine with me as I could abuse that as well. The high wasn't as good as the one I would get with the lortab, but it was better than nothing. I went to a few physical therapy appointments because I knew that after the appointment, I could tell the doctor that the therapy aggravated my knee and obtain another prescription for darvocet.
I am now into May, 2008. It was around this time that my drug use was affecting our finances. Not only because paying for the prescriptions added up, but also because we were also being billed for all the doctor appointments I would have in an attempt to obtain more drugs. But even bigger than those things, I was missing work, a lot. After each time I would get a round of drugs from the doctor, I would make sure that when each prescription ran out would land on a Friday. That way I could detox over the weekend. Unfortunately, it often took more than just two days to detox.
Every time I called in sick to work I would lose points. My employer does not allow any time for being sick. In June I had gotten dangerously close to being out of points. Then in late June my employer was desperately needing people to work on a Sunday because our main office in Iowa had just been flooded that week and the systems had been down. Since they get paid, from company who contracted for our services, for each call we take, they weren't able to maintain normal call volumes. An incentive to work was either double pay or the addition of 4 points for an eight hour shift. I chose to work for the points. Whew! I had dodged a bad situation there.
Part 9 will begin with my introduction and abuse of methadone.
Thank you and have a great LONG weekend.
Jenny
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 8
Around August, 2007 my TMJ in my jaw was bothering me pretty badly. My dentist had told me previously that if it caused me more pain I would need to see an oral surgeon. So, I made the appointment. I saw the TMJ specialist, he did exrays and poked and prodded. Then he told me that I could have surgery to fix my jaw but my mouth would be wired shut for quite a few weeks. I'm thinking - hey, I need to lose weight anyway, so why not? Why not?? Because my job is phone customer service and I wouldn't be able to work all that time.
He also mentioned a shot of something directly into my jaw that, if it worked, should relieve the pain for up to 6 months. Of course up to 7 days after the shot I would be in pain because he really digs in jaw. The shot is given through the outside of my mouth, right around the jaw joint. This is how I obtained a prescription for lortab with 1 refill.
After that I was again without drugs until October. My right knee began bothering me. I had been told a few years prior that I had a torn meniscus in that knee. So off to the sports medicine doctor. We decided to first try a cortisone shot. I left the office with a bandaide on on my knee and a prescription in my hand.
After a couple of weeks my knee was still being a pain (hey, I made a joke!) so I made another appointment with my doctor.
A few days before that appointment we received a call regarding my Aunt Ginger. She had liver cancer and it was so advanced there was nothing they could do. We needed to get to Arkansas fast. We wanted to leave immediately but I didn't want to miss my appointment. We tried to change it but there were no openings. So I went to the appointment.
This time we decided on a series of 3 shots of something that would replace my lost cartilage. He needed to determine if the pain was being caused by the torn meniscus or from the arthritis I have in that knee. He gave me the shot but would not give me a prescription.
I went home, got things ready and we were off to Arkansas. We did make it in time. She didn't know we were there, but we did and it was really good to see her. She passed away the day after we got there. I had another couple of months of non use.
I am now into December, 2007. I will pick up there tomorrow.
Jenny
He also mentioned a shot of something directly into my jaw that, if it worked, should relieve the pain for up to 6 months. Of course up to 7 days after the shot I would be in pain because he really digs in jaw. The shot is given through the outside of my mouth, right around the jaw joint. This is how I obtained a prescription for lortab with 1 refill.
After that I was again without drugs until October. My right knee began bothering me. I had been told a few years prior that I had a torn meniscus in that knee. So off to the sports medicine doctor. We decided to first try a cortisone shot. I left the office with a bandaide on on my knee and a prescription in my hand.
After a couple of weeks my knee was still being a pain (hey, I made a joke!) so I made another appointment with my doctor.
A few days before that appointment we received a call regarding my Aunt Ginger. She had liver cancer and it was so advanced there was nothing they could do. We needed to get to Arkansas fast. We wanted to leave immediately but I didn't want to miss my appointment. We tried to change it but there were no openings. So I went to the appointment.
This time we decided on a series of 3 shots of something that would replace my lost cartilage. He needed to determine if the pain was being caused by the torn meniscus or from the arthritis I have in that knee. He gave me the shot but would not give me a prescription.
I went home, got things ready and we were off to Arkansas. We did make it in time. She didn't know we were there, but we did and it was really good to see her. She passed away the day after we got there. I had another couple of months of non use.
I am now into December, 2007. I will pick up there tomorrow.
Jenny
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 7
It's now March, 2007. Since I was no longer able to get drugs from any medical doctor, and I was having some minor pain in my jaw, I went to my dentist. This is where I got my next round of drugs that lasted through April. Since I had exhausted all means of obtaining drugs legally, I had no choice but to detox.
I tried to detox on my own over one weekend. No, it didn't work. I stayed home from work one day due to the horrible way detoxing makes one feel. It was getting so bad I was considering suicide. That's when I called the nurse's line at the hospital. After talking with her a few minutes, she told me to go to the emergency room. I didn't have the car that day, luckily I only live a few blocks from the hospital. They admitted me to the Behavioral Health Inpatient Unit, commonly known as the psych ward.
During my stay I admitted to my husband that I was addicted to the drugs because of my almost constant use for medical issues over the years. I told him that I would be in the psych ward for about a week to detox. Then I'd be okay. By this point I knew I was a drug addict, I could no longer fool myself into thinking my use was okay because the drugs were prescribed. I did not share that information to anyone.
When I was released I left with a prescription for lortab, and a few refills, for my headaches. I had just detoxed from the very drug I was again abusing. What should have lasted 5 days only lasted 3 for me. When this prescription & refills ran out, I was without prescribed drugs for 3 months. During that time I discovered ephedra. I was going to be okay.
In my next post I will explain how I was able to get a prescription from my oral surgeon.
Jenny
I tried to detox on my own over one weekend. No, it didn't work. I stayed home from work one day due to the horrible way detoxing makes one feel. It was getting so bad I was considering suicide. That's when I called the nurse's line at the hospital. After talking with her a few minutes, she told me to go to the emergency room. I didn't have the car that day, luckily I only live a few blocks from the hospital. They admitted me to the Behavioral Health Inpatient Unit, commonly known as the psych ward.
During my stay I admitted to my husband that I was addicted to the drugs because of my almost constant use for medical issues over the years. I told him that I would be in the psych ward for about a week to detox. Then I'd be okay. By this point I knew I was a drug addict, I could no longer fool myself into thinking my use was okay because the drugs were prescribed. I did not share that information to anyone.
When I was released I left with a prescription for lortab, and a few refills, for my headaches. I had just detoxed from the very drug I was again abusing. What should have lasted 5 days only lasted 3 for me. When this prescription & refills ran out, I was without prescribed drugs for 3 months. During that time I discovered ephedra. I was going to be okay.
In my next post I will explain how I was able to get a prescription from my oral surgeon.
Jenny
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 6
We are now up to 2004. This is the year our insurance changed back to the original clinic. I was able to manipulate the doctors into giving me drugs for about a year. Then, on one of my visits to the emergency room, the doctor sent a Nurse Coordinator (I think that's what her title was). It was her job to talk to me about the number of times I'd gone to the walk in and the emergency room. This was my first indication that the doctors were on to me.
Since I was using my headache as the reason for the drug, she told me that I needed to see my primary care physician in the future. But, I did walk out of there with a prescription. The next time I wanted drugs after hours I went to the walk in clinic with the knowledge that she only worked in the emergency room. Boy, was I wrong. Well, I was half right and half wrong. I found out they have one of those nosey nurses on duty for different shifts. But not 24/7. I began taking note of when they would be there and when they wouldn't and went to the walk in clinic or emergency room when they weren't there. But then those nosey nurses began calling me after any visit to the clinic. Intrusive? Yes. But remember, I am a good manipulator and liar. But I did get tired of their interference and went to my primary care physician.
I had been able to manipulate him for about a year. In order to continue getting the lortab, I had to go to the headache specialist at the clinic. Something I should have probably told y'all sooner is that I can not take anti-inflammatory medication due to stomach issues. Talk about lucky!!!
The specialist had me on everything that was not an anti-inflammatory. But, as usual, nothing worked for me. Why? Because it wasn't the lortab. After about a year of acting that a patient willing to try anything to stop my headaches, I think she finally realized that I was an addict, although she didn't confront me. She stopped prescribing lortab and told me that, when I get a headache during hours, I would need to call her and go in for an IV treatment of high doses of depakote. If it was after hours I was to go to the emergency room for the treatment. She even went as far as to put on my file that the depakote was an 'agreed' treatment plan. When I found that out, I asked the emergency room doctor if I could have that removed as I was no longer seeing that specialist. He said I would have to ask her to remove it. Well, I knew she wouldn't do that, so I dropped it.
I think I am up to 2007. My next post will pick up from there.
Thank you,
Jenny
Since I was using my headache as the reason for the drug, she told me that I needed to see my primary care physician in the future. But, I did walk out of there with a prescription. The next time I wanted drugs after hours I went to the walk in clinic with the knowledge that she only worked in the emergency room. Boy, was I wrong. Well, I was half right and half wrong. I found out they have one of those nosey nurses on duty for different shifts. But not 24/7. I began taking note of when they would be there and when they wouldn't and went to the walk in clinic or emergency room when they weren't there. But then those nosey nurses began calling me after any visit to the clinic. Intrusive? Yes. But remember, I am a good manipulator and liar. But I did get tired of their interference and went to my primary care physician.
I had been able to manipulate him for about a year. In order to continue getting the lortab, I had to go to the headache specialist at the clinic. Something I should have probably told y'all sooner is that I can not take anti-inflammatory medication due to stomach issues. Talk about lucky!!!
The specialist had me on everything that was not an anti-inflammatory. But, as usual, nothing worked for me. Why? Because it wasn't the lortab. After about a year of acting that a patient willing to try anything to stop my headaches, I think she finally realized that I was an addict, although she didn't confront me. She stopped prescribing lortab and told me that, when I get a headache during hours, I would need to call her and go in for an IV treatment of high doses of depakote. If it was after hours I was to go to the emergency room for the treatment. She even went as far as to put on my file that the depakote was an 'agreed' treatment plan. When I found that out, I asked the emergency room doctor if I could have that removed as I was no longer seeing that specialist. He said I would have to ask her to remove it. Well, I knew she wouldn't do that, so I dropped it.
I think I am up to 2007. My next post will pick up from there.
Thank you,
Jenny
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 5
This is where I was introduced to demerol (in mid 2000). They gave me a shot of that and visteril for the nausea, which I didn't have but told them I did. I left the emergency room higher than a kite. They also gave me a prescription for lortab. I remember when I went to Walgreens to get that filled, I was floating through the store.
Since our insurance changed, I had begun seeing a new primary care physician. She was great! She never questioned how much lortab I requested. She just kept writting prescriptions. She even gave me her home number! Whew! I loved that because it meant I didn't have to go to the walk in clinic or emergency room after hours. I just picked up the phone and she'd call Walgreens with another prescription. During hours I would go to her office about 2-3 times per month with a 'bad headache' and she would give me 100 mgs of demerol and 50 of visteril.
I was beginning to have problems with the walk in clinic and the emergency room when I had decided the 'bad headache' was not being relieved by the lortab, so she wrote a prescription for 100 demerol and 50 visteril that I could use by taking it to either the walk in clinic or the emergency room. Inevitably the doctor there would not only give me the prescribed shot of demerol/visteril, but also a written prescription for lortab.
After about a year and a half of just about constant use of either lortab or demerol, the walk in clinic and emergency room would no longer honor the written prescription. This caused my doctor to become concerned about my useage. She wanted me to go to the clinic every day for a daily dose of lortab. Of course I didn't want to do that because that meant I wouldn't be able to stay high all day. Luckily around this time our insurance changed again, so it was back to the original clinic. It was lucky because, since it had been so long since I had been seen in that clinic, I had yet another round of doctors to manipulate.
Please stay tuned for tomorrow's entry. Thank you.
Jenny Fields
Since our insurance changed, I had begun seeing a new primary care physician. She was great! She never questioned how much lortab I requested. She just kept writting prescriptions. She even gave me her home number! Whew! I loved that because it meant I didn't have to go to the walk in clinic or emergency room after hours. I just picked up the phone and she'd call Walgreens with another prescription. During hours I would go to her office about 2-3 times per month with a 'bad headache' and she would give me 100 mgs of demerol and 50 of visteril.
I was beginning to have problems with the walk in clinic and the emergency room when I had decided the 'bad headache' was not being relieved by the lortab, so she wrote a prescription for 100 demerol and 50 visteril that I could use by taking it to either the walk in clinic or the emergency room. Inevitably the doctor there would not only give me the prescribed shot of demerol/visteril, but also a written prescription for lortab.
After about a year and a half of just about constant use of either lortab or demerol, the walk in clinic and emergency room would no longer honor the written prescription. This caused my doctor to become concerned about my useage. She wanted me to go to the clinic every day for a daily dose of lortab. Of course I didn't want to do that because that meant I wouldn't be able to stay high all day. Luckily around this time our insurance changed again, so it was back to the original clinic. It was lucky because, since it had been so long since I had been seen in that clinic, I had yet another round of doctors to manipulate.
Please stay tuned for tomorrow's entry. Thank you.
Jenny Fields
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 4
I had been taking the Fen-Phen for close to a year. From mid 1994 to mid 1996. I was once again faced with how to get more drugs.
I felt elated when I began having issues with my jaw. My dentist calls it TMJ, my friend calls it Too Much Jaw. Actually there is a defect in the way my lower jaw connects to my upper jaw. It pops and sometimes even gets stuck. It is painful, but not as painful as I made it out to be. Here was another 3-4 months worth of Lortab.
In early 1997, I discovered AOL. Somehow, being in the chat rooms gave me the same feeling that the drugs did. Because of that I was drug free for about 7-8 months. In October I met someone online and we hit it off. His name is Jon. I flew to California from Wisconsin to meet him. He proposed the second night I was there. In April he flew here to meet my family. In June, 1997 I flew back to California and got married. We then drove from California to Wisconsin in a Hyundai. One of the old, tiny, stick shift models. We figured if we survived the drive we would be able to survive our marriage.
After we settled into married life, I was able to not use for another few months. Then I was asked to leave my job due to poor quality work. In my defense, my boss is a freaking perfectionist. Nothing any of us did was good enough for her. I had been unhappy there for a long time so, even though I was worried about getting another job, I was also sort of relieved. The worry caused my headaches to come back. They were bad, but not near as much as I made them out to be. Back to the walk in clinic. Since it had been a while since I had gone there, they forgot who I was and this started another endless supply of Lortab for just a few months. Then that walk in clinic got wise to me again. So, there was another month or so of non use.
Did I mention we have two different hospitals that have walk in clinics? Our insurance switched from the first hospital to the other one. Woohoo!!! New doctors to fool. I started it out right. One night I had a headache, again, not as bad as I made it out to be (are you seeing a pattern here?). The walk in clinic was closed so we went right to the emergency room.
Thank you again for reading my blog. I do hope it helps you. I know that I've found that blogging is very therapeutic for me. You should try it!
Jenny Fields
I felt elated when I began having issues with my jaw. My dentist calls it TMJ, my friend calls it Too Much Jaw. Actually there is a defect in the way my lower jaw connects to my upper jaw. It pops and sometimes even gets stuck. It is painful, but not as painful as I made it out to be. Here was another 3-4 months worth of Lortab.
In early 1997, I discovered AOL. Somehow, being in the chat rooms gave me the same feeling that the drugs did. Because of that I was drug free for about 7-8 months. In October I met someone online and we hit it off. His name is Jon. I flew to California from Wisconsin to meet him. He proposed the second night I was there. In April he flew here to meet my family. In June, 1997 I flew back to California and got married. We then drove from California to Wisconsin in a Hyundai. One of the old, tiny, stick shift models. We figured if we survived the drive we would be able to survive our marriage.
After we settled into married life, I was able to not use for another few months. Then I was asked to leave my job due to poor quality work. In my defense, my boss is a freaking perfectionist. Nothing any of us did was good enough for her. I had been unhappy there for a long time so, even though I was worried about getting another job, I was also sort of relieved. The worry caused my headaches to come back. They were bad, but not near as much as I made them out to be. Back to the walk in clinic. Since it had been a while since I had gone there, they forgot who I was and this started another endless supply of Lortab for just a few months. Then that walk in clinic got wise to me again. So, there was another month or so of non use.
Did I mention we have two different hospitals that have walk in clinics? Our insurance switched from the first hospital to the other one. Woohoo!!! New doctors to fool. I started it out right. One night I had a headache, again, not as bad as I made it out to be (are you seeing a pattern here?). The walk in clinic was closed so we went right to the emergency room.
Thank you again for reading my blog. I do hope it helps you. I know that I've found that blogging is very therapeutic for me. You should try it!
Jenny Fields
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 3
In 1992 I had a job injury to my lower back that the doctor's tried to treat with physical therapy. Of course, knowing I could get more Darvocet, I didn't allow the physical therapy to work. Okay, actually the problem was I never did the 'at home' exercises. So I had an endless supply of Darvocet for about 6 months. Then I manipulated the doctor into prescribing Lortab by telling him the Darvocet no longer was working. It gave me not only the same feelings as Darvocet, but so much more. I had told myself then that since I wasn't taking it to 'get high', which I associated with the way the marijuana made me feel, I didn't have a problem. The injury in 1992 is when I let the medication take me over. After my back was certified healed my the doctors, which was around 1994, I was going to have to find other ways to get Lortab.
Then came Fen-Phen. Since I was, and still am, 'fluffy' as Gabriel Iglasias would say, it was easy to convince my doctor to prescribe it for me. (See link on the right side of this blog to a YouTube clip of Gabriel explaining 'fluffy' and a roller coaster ride. He's hilarious.)
I was saved. I no longer had to find a way to get my hands on the Lortab. After all, Fen-Phen was not only going to help me lose weight, but I considered it legalized speed. Of course, I wasn't taking it as prescribed, so I was always running out too soon. I'm not sure if the doctor didn't care or just didn't realize how often he was writting me a new prescription.
Then wham! They take it off the market. Some crap about it causing heart problems. My heart was fine! I tried VERY hard, without any luck, to convince my doctor to prescribe the two components of Fen-Phen for me. They are fenfluromine and phentermine. But no go. About 3 months after I stopped taking it, I noticed that my heart was beating differently. I had an echocardiogram. Guess what? I did develop valvular heart disease. But I was one of the lucky ones as it hasn't caused me any real issues.
As I continue to write in my blog I'm finding it difficult to come up with new things to say in the closing paragraph. So this time I'm simply going to wish everyone out there struggling with addiction, the best of luck in finding your way to being clean and sober SOON. It could not only cost you your family, but also your life.
Jenny Fields
Then came Fen-Phen. Since I was, and still am, 'fluffy' as Gabriel Iglasias would say, it was easy to convince my doctor to prescribe it for me. (See link on the right side of this blog to a YouTube clip of Gabriel explaining 'fluffy' and a roller coaster ride. He's hilarious.)
I was saved. I no longer had to find a way to get my hands on the Lortab. After all, Fen-Phen was not only going to help me lose weight, but I considered it legalized speed. Of course, I wasn't taking it as prescribed, so I was always running out too soon. I'm not sure if the doctor didn't care or just didn't realize how often he was writting me a new prescription.
Then wham! They take it off the market. Some crap about it causing heart problems. My heart was fine! I tried VERY hard, without any luck, to convince my doctor to prescribe the two components of Fen-Phen for me. They are fenfluromine and phentermine. But no go. About 3 months after I stopped taking it, I noticed that my heart was beating differently. I had an echocardiogram. Guess what? I did develop valvular heart disease. But I was one of the lucky ones as it hasn't caused me any real issues.
As I continue to write in my blog I'm finding it difficult to come up with new things to say in the closing paragraph. So this time I'm simply going to wish everyone out there struggling with addiction, the best of luck in finding your way to being clean and sober SOON. It could not only cost you your family, but also your life.
Jenny Fields
My Journey Into Addiction Part 2
In my late 20's I began having headaches. This was in the 80's so there was no real treatment for headaches, at least that is how I remember it, except for narcotics. That was my introduction to Darvocet. I was never one to take any prescription as described because I felt if the prescribed dose would work than doubling the dose would work even better. Darvocet gave me the ability to be more aware of my surroundings and the ability to participate in life. Both are things I didn't feel I had at the time without the drug. I was not addicted to Darvocet but I abused it when I could get a prescription. Also, since it was a prescription, I didn't feel I had a problem. It was also during this time that I was a heavy drinker, so when I couldn't get Darvocet I would drink. So when the Darvocet train left the station, I just drank more. Now, back then I saw it as quitting cold turkey. I was so proud of myself. Then just a few months later I quit drinking all by myself as far as no AA meetings. Again, I was so proud of myself and I knew I had the ability to quit anything at anytime without withdrawals.
My family had moved from Austin, Texas to La Crosse, Wisconsin in 1989. A whole new set of doctor's to manipulate. I was so excited! The headaches that had stopped were back, that much is true. The severity of the pain was exaggerated, but the exaggeration (not lies!) got me Darvocet. I would have to learn how to space out my 'bad' headaches so the doctors would not find me out. Hard? Yes and no. If I had stayed with one doctor it would have been more difficult. But the doctors at the walk in clinic change daily. I rarely saw the same doctor twice. During this time there were periods of non-use and I was 'fine'. That just reinforced the 'fact' that I was not an addict. After all, addicts HAD to have their drug of choice every day. Since I could go without it for weeks at a time I was in control.
Thank you again for reading my blog. In the last blog I said it was my hope that my blog would help at least one person come to terms with their addiction. Since then I have been to my first NA meeting and now realize just how therapeutic this blog is to me. So I need to thank all of you that are struggling with an addiction. You were my initial inspiration for starting this blog.
Jenny Fields
My family had moved from Austin, Texas to La Crosse, Wisconsin in 1989. A whole new set of doctor's to manipulate. I was so excited! The headaches that had stopped were back, that much is true. The severity of the pain was exaggerated, but the exaggeration (not lies!) got me Darvocet. I would have to learn how to space out my 'bad' headaches so the doctors would not find me out. Hard? Yes and no. If I had stayed with one doctor it would have been more difficult. But the doctors at the walk in clinic change daily. I rarely saw the same doctor twice. During this time there were periods of non-use and I was 'fine'. That just reinforced the 'fact' that I was not an addict. After all, addicts HAD to have their drug of choice every day. Since I could go without it for weeks at a time I was in control.
Thank you again for reading my blog. In the last blog I said it was my hope that my blog would help at least one person come to terms with their addiction. Since then I have been to my first NA meeting and now realize just how therapeutic this blog is to me. So I need to thank all of you that are struggling with an addiction. You were my initial inspiration for starting this blog.
Jenny Fields
My Journey Into Addiction, Part 1
My journey into addiction actually began before I was born. As the daughter of an alcoholic father (not a mean alcoholic, just a stupid one) my chances of addiction were higher than most. I took my first drink in my mid teens. At that same time I did experiment with marijuana. I found that it was not the drug for me. Within an hour of smoking it, I would laugh, eat, and go to sleep. It made me feel drugged. Not the effect I thought it would.
I did start the path to alcoholism in my early 20's. Thankfully I realized what the outcome would be if I continued and due to some other circumstances, I was able to quit drinking with no meetings or support. I put my mind to it and stopped. I do have a drink occasionally, but no longer to the point of memory loss.
This is just where the journey began. My next post will chronicle my abuse. Thank you for reading this. My hope is that, through this blog, I can help at least one person struggling to come to terms with their addiction, no matter what their addiction of choice is.
Jenny Fields
I did start the path to alcoholism in my early 20's. Thankfully I realized what the outcome would be if I continued and due to some other circumstances, I was able to quit drinking with no meetings or support. I put my mind to it and stopped. I do have a drink occasionally, but no longer to the point of memory loss.
This is just where the journey began. My next post will chronicle my abuse. Thank you for reading this. My hope is that, through this blog, I can help at least one person struggling to come to terms with their addiction, no matter what their addiction of choice is.
Jenny Fields
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Some of my favorite places.
- Gabriel Iglesias "Hot & Fluffy"
- Gabriel describes just what 'Fluffy' is. I can identify with his description and consider myself 'fluffy'.
- My Grandchildren
- Be sure to use the links on the right hand side of this link to see more pictures.
- Narcotics Anonymous
- Need information on NarcAnon? Click this link.
- Obama for President
- Need I explain who I'm voting for?
The most important thing...
.... is to remember you are not alone. Even if your family and friends have had enough, those of us that go to the NarcAnon meetings are there not only to receive help staying clean, but also to help others get and stay clean.
Tell me how you're feeling.
Let me know how you feel about my blog. If you are struggling with addiction, let me know. The more support we can get, no matter who from, the better we will be.
bookwrm wrote...
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been living with an oxi adict for two years. I watch the demon tak over and chsnge him into a person I no longer know. I enjoyed your story I am glad it ha a happy ending. I also made a lense about addiction.
Posted August 23, 2008
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