Transform Your Life with Nonviolent Communication

Central to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is the premise that all human behaviours are attempts at meeting needs. Everything we do, and everything everyone else does, is a way to meet a need.

Needs in NVC are defined as that which matters to us, what's important to us, what we care about, what we value, what connects us with life.

One reason this book is so inspiring is that it is packed with examples of ordinary people using NVC in real-life situations.

NVC is based on empathy - on connecting with feelings and needs. Marshall uses the term "giraffe language" because giraffes have the largest hearts of any land animals, and are willing to stick their necks out.

We have all kinds of needs - physical survival needs as well as emotional, social and spiritual needs.

When we connect genuinely with someone's feelings and needs, we can experience communication which flows from the heart.

Click here to read more about empathy.

The more we connect with other people's feelings and needs, the more they are likely to want to connect with ours.

Many of us use self-talk which is unhelpful or undermining. If you use language about yourself or your behaviour such as, for example, "I'm so stupid" or "useless" or "lazy", these are examples of what NVC refers to as "jackal speech".

When we are feeling most vulnerable, when we are most in pain, we tend to use language that guarantees we will not get what we want. Marshall Rosenberg calls this jackal speech and says it is our first language. It includes:

labelling
blaming
threats, and
the language of no choice.

Behind every jackal is an unmet need. The more we are able to give empathy to ourselves, the less we need to use jackal language.

Jackal language is also called "life disconnecting language". When we use jackal language about others, it keeps us disconnected from them.

I have taught courses in Building Self-Esteem and Confidence for many years. NVC is the most effective method of building self-esteem that I have found.

Jackals are just expressions of our unmet needs.

When we learn to love our jackals, we love, appreciate and value ourselves so much more. This, in turn, helps us to connect with others.

See also: 12 Ways to Be Successful.

Marshall Rosenberg explains that the Nazis used language, "Amtssprache", which allowed them to justify their actions. If we find ourselves saying we "have to" do something because "those are the rules", we are using the language of no choice.

If you were raised with a system of rewards and punishments, you may find yourself using the language of no choice.

If you hear yourself saying that you "have to " do something, "those are the rules", etc., this is the language of no choice. If you believe you have to work a 9-5 job, and that this is the only way to earn money, or you have to fit in with limitations imposed by others, this attitude can be cured through NVC. For more about this, see the paragraph on Speak Peace in a World of Conflict, below.

Using NVC to connect with your feelings and needs can help you to honour your intergrity and be true to yourself and your values.

From time to time, we all do things we regret.

When you can acknowledge that you did what you did because you were trying to meet a need, and not because you were "stupid", "useless" or "lazy", or any one of millions of other labels we put on ourselfs - your self-talk will become more positive. You will become more loving and appreciative of yourself and others, and you will be able to transform your relationships.

We often try to resolve conflicts by using strategies. If we do this without first establishing empathy, this can deepen the conflict.

If we first establish empathy, the strategies will arise out of, and in the context of, empathy. This means that everyone's needs will be honoured within the situation, and included in the solution.

NVC connects us with our life force energy. When you connect with feelings and needs, you can release an incredible amount of energy. You can transform your relationships - it's like opening up a whole new universe.

When we experience self-empathy by connecting with our feelings and needs, we become more open to attracting the things we want in life: money, relationships and success in all areas of life.

We dissolve our barriers to receiving, and this opens us to be more able to receiving the gifts of the universe.

History is overflowing with countless examples of what happens when we don't use empathy. Plus, we experience this in our own daily lives. We have conflicts - inner and outer. We blame ourselves and other people. We stick to our positions rather than connecting from the heart.

Hotel Rwanda describes just one extreme example of what happens when people do not connect from the heart. It also demonstrates what is possible, even in the midst of all the chaos and violence, and the fact that one person can make a difference. Even during the horrors of the Rwandan genocide, these people demonstrated individual, personal courage, and the willingness to communcate saved many lives.

One person really can make a difference.

NVC is used in many different parts of the world, including places which have a history of extreme violence, such as Israel and Palestine, Rwanda and Burundi, and Sierra Leone. It is used in the U.S.A., the UK, Europe and other parts of the world in hospitals, schools, prisons and family situations.

If your kids are driving you crazy or you are convinced they do things just to annoy you, you need to read this book.

In Speak Peace in a World of Conflict, Rosenberg covers much of the same ground. He talks of connecting with the divine in the other person.

Rosenberg has worked with many gangs in the inner cities. He says there are different types of gangs. In addition to street gangs, some multinationals are gangs. And some governments are gangs.

When a group, body or institution uses a system of rewards and punishments to get people to do what it wants, it is behaving like a gang. NVC gives us the freedom to do what we want to do, what will make our lives more wonderful, rather than having to fit in with what other people and institutions want us to do.

Upcoming NVC events with Bridget Belgrave

NEWS
I am involved in several creative projects, using different media to share NVC in the world.

** Making a set of instructional films of the NVC Dance Floors
For ages Gina Lawrie and I have felt that film would be a great way to share the know-how of the Dance Floors much more widely and effectively, and we've been looking for a way to make this happen. Through meeting Elkie Deadman this 'way' has now appeared! Thanks to Elkie's support, expertise, network, facilities and generosity, we are able to make the films to professional standards.
We're making a short intro film, and three 1 hour films, to share three Dance Floors in depth (13 Step Dance, Self Empathy Dance, Anger Dance). If all goes well, we'll make films of the other Dance Floors in 2012.

We're filming in August in The Netherlands on a budget of 'lots of love and very little money'.

>> We do need some 'starting capital' - and we would love your financial participation and support.

We invite you to donate 20 GBP / 23 Euros / 33 USD (or more) now and receive the DVD of your choice (worth 25 GBP) in Spring 2012.

Also we would LOVE some really huge donations, e.g. 100 GBP, 500 GBP, or our entire 'starting' amount of 4500 GBP / 5000 Euros / 7000 USD!
Read more and donate (by bank transfer, card or Paypal) here:
http://nvcdancefloors.com/#/the-film/4553060822
http://tinyurl.com/5wmuhw7

** Developing an online interactive way of coaching people on the NVC Dance Floors
This is a great break-through - something Gina Lawrie and I have envisioned but not known how to achieve.
Thanks to Pauline Dirksens' initiative and collaboration, we'll be ready to pilot this system from September.
>> I'll be offering coached online Dance Floor sessions for individuals, and possibly for groups.
More info and booking here:
http://www.liferesources.org.uk/1-to-1-sessions-in-person.html

** Writing a musical for 9-12 year olds
I am co-creating this musical with Jane Wheeler (my colleague from the 'Connect with Respect' project).

Our aim is to convey the paradigm shift of NVC on stage.

We'll create backing tracks and directions so that any (non-specialist) teacher (or youth group leader, or NVC camp leader, or...you!?) can put it on with a group of children.

We are excited to be piloting the musical in a primary school in east London in October/November.

We hope to publish it in 2012, for use by anyone anywhere.

Wayhay! Watch this space!

MY WORKSHOPS

** Sat Oct 15, The Anger Dance - Introduction, Oxford
** Sun Oct 16, The Anger Dance - For practice, Oxford
** Sat Nov 19, Communication...is like a dance, London
** Sat Dec 10, Prayer-making, Oxford

These events and workshops all have a sliding scale ticket price / fee
and a £5 discount (per day) if you book more than one month in advance.

See the full workshop and booking information here:
http://www.liferesources.org.uk/events_with_bridget_belgrav/ or see the Resources section below.

Also, in Spring 2012, I'll be leading two workshops in The Netherlands (details coming in September)

OTHER NEW RESOURCES

NVC Academy
This online NVC resource has recently totally revamped its website, created a rich learning library of videos of trainers, and much more good stuff!
http://nvctraining.com/

NVC World
This is a great new website, that offers links to articles, youtube videos, published materials, trainers....just about any NVC thing you can think of - all well organised and searchable.
http://www.nvcworld.com

NVC websites for info and networking about NVC in UK and worldwide
http://www.nvc-uk.com
http://www.nvc-europe.org
http://www.cnvc.org

NVC Resources

Life Resources Online Shop
This shop sells lots of interesting and helpful NVC resources such as CDs, DVDs, games and NVC Dance Floors.
http://www.life-resources-shop.com

The NVC Dance Floors
The NVC Dance Floors were co-created by Bridget Belgrave and Gina Lawrie and published in 2003. They are widely used to learn, practice and teach NVC and are available in seven languages. For lots of Dance Floor information, including Dance Floor workshops with Gina and with Bridget, go to http://www.NvcDanceFloors.com

Mailing list options
Subscribe: If you would like to join my emailing list for other events I run, that are not focused on NVC, please let me know.  bb@LifeResources.org.uk

I hope you find a gem, through this email, that enriches your life!

Bridget Belgrave
+44 (0)1865 865008
bb@LifeResources.org.uk
http://www.LifeResources.org.uk 

Sunday 30 October, 'Transforming the Pain of Unmet Needs into the Beauty of Needs', 10 am - 5pm.

A chance to experience transformation of some deep pain that may be following you around and to learn first hand the power of this Dance Floor. This will be a small group one day workshop held in Gina's house for anyone who is already familiar with foundations of NVC. Fees: sliding scale of £50 - £75.

Location: Farnham

Mentoring Group
A regular self-organised space for your development, both NVC skills and facilitation with ongoing support to apply the living energy of needs in your life. Support and challenge is provided by group members and Gina. We work with whatever members choose to bring, developing an agenda at the start of the day to share time among those requesting it.

Dates remaining for 2011: Thurs 11 Aug, Sat 1 Oct, Thurs 1 Dec

Prerequisites: at least 8 days NVC training and some familiarity and training in the Living Energy of Needs (LEN), based on the work of Robert Gonzales and Susan Skye as featured in the Living Energy of Needs trainings.

Group size: limited to around 10 people.
Venue: Gina's house in Farnham, GU9 7DE. 55 min train journey from Waterloo, 20 min walk from Farnham station - shared taxi or lifts arranged, ample parking.

Agreement: we request members to commit to attending 4 out of 6 sessions per year and to pay a percentage of them in advance.
Time: 10.00am - 4.45pm
Fee requested: £70 per session.

To book: Tel: 020 8780 0160 or see the Resources section below.