How I Raised Two Kids Alone, Successfully!

As I stood at the door, I was trying to comprehend what this young policeman was saying. A long moment went by, as I desperately tried to understand if this was real or was this a dream.

In those seconds, the policeman, thought I was in shock. But, I was truly not aware of time or space. I had been having dreams of just something like this happening, and it was very early in the morning. 1:00 am I believe. The stars were out, cold drifted silently into the room and into my awareness.

He ushered me into the living room. A room where no walls stood, just the framing studs, with bare plywood floors, and extension cords hung like christmas lights from here to there. As he spoke to me, I looked up to him and remember asking, is the other driver ok? I don't remember what his answer was. He urged me to call someone.......................
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In June 1984, My husband, the father of two children died from a accident with a drunk driver. At the time, we were living in Wasilla Alaska on a property off Fairview Loop Road. Bob, my husband, and I were building our own home and business there. The house was framed in, had a well, and electric to it, but was far from being done.
I had just given birth to my daughter a few months prior, and my son who was about 8 yrs old at the time was with me. The baby and I slept in the basement by this huge ole wood stove, and my son was sleeping on the main level in what was going to be his room. We put up plastic sheets all around where walls would be, and a small space heater was there to keep him warm at night. Huge gaps were in the walls, as it was in the beginning stages of construction. But, it was June so not too bad.

Having Children is a tremendous responsibility. From conception to birth till that child leaves out on his own, the well being, the needs of that child are YOURS. Not the government, nor your neighbors. These little lives are in your hands, and no matter what, you CAN MAKE IT. Extended family are definitely a big help, and very important for the character growth in many ways, but it is not their responsibility. It rests with each of us that give birth to a child.

*Strength * consistency * boundaries * awareness, and unconditional love are some of the ingredients.

Add a dash of the knowledge, that these are people, not things that you own. You do not own them, they are just placed in your care for a few short years.

Step number 10 is teach your children (and yourself) not to want what others have. From early on, teach them to value what you DO have. The neighbor may have a huge pool, their kids have tons of toys, gadgets, but IF you teach them the value of what you DO have, and to be thankful for that, they will learn to be grateful.

Be careful with your wording when around your children. If you are always complaining about what you wish you had, how can you teach them to be happy with what they have? If a commercial comes on TV of a toy your child wants, quickly remind the child of something far greater of value that they already have. A talent they possess or some item that is better for them etc.
AND, use these early desires for something to motivate them to WORK toward. Every child can do something. As little as 10 cents a week for picking up neighborhood trash. Up to what you CAN afford.

I do not advocate allowances for doing work that is just part of being a responsible member of the family, like cleaning their own rooms. They should be earning money for Wants instead of needs. Their needs are to be met from you the parent. The wants are good stepping stones to building a work ethic, and use it to help others. Thus teaching them to always reach out in the community, and society to help.

This photo was taken after I left Alaska to be closer to family. Left to right are
Myself,my sister, my brother, my dad and my mother.
on ground are my son, my daughter, my sisters son, and daughter. 1987 three years after Bob's Death.

Teach the age old Truth,"Honesty IS the best policy"!

This is a main stay. Your child will learn complete trust in You if you do not lie to him/her. And for their safety, your child must not lie to you and others. Being Honest includes more than lies verses truth, it also means to act in a way that is honest.

Teach your children, by your own actions, and speaking.
Growing up with my parents they taught me early, that your word is worth more than any document. It was a part of being a "Farrar" to be honest. To tell the truth, to deal honestly with others. As you would want them to be to you. It is a easy thing to speak these things to your children but it will not work very well if you do not DO these things too.

If you go into a store and find out 5.00 more was given back to you in change, and you march right back into the store to give it back, you just taught your child a vital character lesson. also, for the young ones, tell them why you are giving it back! That the store needs to make money. That the money it makes, provides jobs for the people who work in the store. If the store does not make money it cannot hire people to work, and have things we need to buy. Tell them also, that what if it was them, that had given more than they were suppose to. Would they want to be 5.00 short??

I would not lie to my children. They grew up knowing if they asked me I would tell them the truth. I did not play tricks on them. I did not tell them even seemingly little white lies. A lie is a lie. There were no tooth fairies, and santa was not a real man who came down chimneys.

When Bob died, It broke my heart to tell my son. He adored his dad. I will never forget. At first my son, stood still. Then he began to pound on my chest, No No No. As he slid down in broken sadness, crying and sobbing. I did not lie and say Dad was just gone, or some thing to tide him over until he understands better. Children handle the truth better than secrets or lies. Instead, I told him Bob was dead.. My son wanted to know what happened. I explained that he was riding his motorcycle home late the night before and a driver coming the other way, served over into the lane Bob was in. That Bob felt no pain and was dead instantly. Even now, It is a heavy thing to call up the moment. I told my son that the other man had drank too much alcohol and could not drive correctly. That driving and drinking was what killed his dad. That he should remember and never drink and drive.

Bob, taught his son honesty even after death. People would call, or send letters of how Bob had dwelt so honestly with them. How he was truthful and helpful. These things were a witness to the children we bore, to be the same.

Truth Wins out Every Time

I do not pretend that Bob and I were without faults and weakness. We have our fair share of them. We are human. I did not expect my children to be perfect either.

After Bob's death, there were others that taught what the meaning of Dishonesty was. Since Bob had a aircraft repair business, there were many parts and a few airplanes being repaired. We had some unscrupulous individuals actually steal some aircraft parts from us. They came in pretense to "help" us and walked into the shop saying this and that was theirs. When in fact it was not. My children learned what kind of pain that dishonesty caused me.

Never Ever Steal.

I remember a time when I was very young. I and My parents had went into a store. I do not remember stealing a piece of gum, but I sure remember what happened when dad found out!

We had left the store and gotten in the car. Dad had turned and saw me chomping away, (Duh, kids are so naive) and he says to me, "what is in your mouth?" I dont remember what words were said after that, but I DO remember him taking me out of the car, marching me into the store, and paying for the gum to the guy with me a witness.
I was smartly swatted on the behind back at the car and he threw away the gum! At the time i thought how unfair, I should at least get to keep the gum.

But that would not have gotten the point across would it??

Later, it is interesting that one day, a very favorite tonka truck of mine was missing. It was stolen. I had left in on the front porch and a kid down the block had taken it. I could not prove it, so Dad reminded me again what it means to steal things. I learned it does not feel so good when others steal from you. I would learn the lesson a few more times though, to really learn it permanently!! We are such hard headed humans.

We all need to learn. Stealing is stealing. If you take the hotel towels, their cups etc you are stealing. If you take the companies paper, the supplies, it is stealing and when your child sees you take without asking they just learned it is ok to steal.

All kids will try to steal. It is inevitable. You must correct it quickly. Even if a small child reaches over to take food off your plate, this must not be allowed without ASKING first.

What is Faithfulness? Why teach this to your children?
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Dictionary
faithful
adjective
( his faithful assistant) loyal, constant, true, devoted, true-blue, unswerving, staunch, steadfast, dedicated, committed; trusty, trustworthy, dependable, reliable.

opposite . antonym traitorous, unreliable.
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Teaching this to children is a foundational character trait 100% necessary for their success in adulthood. As are all these ten steps. People can live without them or as the above opposite traits show, people can be unreliable, traitorous, but is this what you want for your children?

Why to teach this, is because all responsible and loving parents want their children to be more than we are ourselves. I used my own failings to teach my children some lessons. One of those failings were unfaithfulness to my first husband. I was young, and lived as many young people live. Drinking partying, the snow machine racing crowd at the time. Even though my own parents were faithful to each other, I did not learn from their example. I let my heart stray to the wooing of a different man, and left my first husband. I told the story to my kids when they were little. I taught them that by doing that act, I not only deeply hurt a man, but all of his family, my family and it was a burden on me now for the rest of my life.

I taught my children day in and day out lessons. I would use every circumstance, and every TV show every book I read to teach to my children the rights and wrongs of living. Not like a school classroom but using life as the book to learn from.

Faithfulness is in how I treated my kids. I stood up for them, I spoke good of them in front of others, I was steadfast in my love for them, They could trust me, I was dependable to them. THIS is how you teach your kids. Not just words, but deeds, and actions.

It is not one thing that will impress upon them the way to go, but the multiples of things that are constantly re-enforced on a daily basis.

When they are young teach them faithfulness to their friends too. Make sure they know the difference between being faithful to a friend and being safe with their friends.
It seems so many children now are learning the (fly by night friendship way) I love you, you are my friend only if we agree and you do what I want you to do. WRONG!

Teaching that all people have different thinking, and customs. But we can be friends. I can still be a friend with someone who does wrong, but NOT DO the wrong thing too. Sometimes we have to give up "hanging" with a friend if they persist in wrong behavior. We do not HATE, but we choose to do right or wrong.

This all takes a lot of impute by you the parent, NOT orders, or so many legalistic rules you drive your kids away, but again, Real life changes, and character rules.

You are to LEAD them to the right way, NOT COMMAND the right way. The only COMMAND I really had was to pay me respect, as I respected them.

Do not Hit, Abuse or Kill

I grew up in a time when the men went out to kill for food. I lived on a homestead in Alaska for a few years. I was taught first grade by my mother. She received lessons in the mail. The mail came on the train between Anchorage and Fairbanks back then. Prob. once a week.

My dad, would hunt moose for our meat, as well as fishing. He never liked to kill, it was for food. We learned to respect the life of all things. Life is precious.

I taught my children this same respect. I never allowed killing for the sake of killing. Like a bug or butterfly anything. I would not allow even PLAYING with guns. Guns are for killing. Not playing. Playing, like you are killing is NOT acceptable. If you are raising your child to kill, you would let them play at killing. In my eyes, the gun is to respected for its purpose.

My husband took my son on a few hunting trips. Only for food. Bob had guns, but kept them locked up. He collected guns, and a lot of them were from his dad.
As soon as Bob died, I sold all the guns and we used the money for my sons first car.

I still do not want guns, as I live in a age where my meat is supplied by the stores. I do not need a gun to get my food. To ward off predators, in alaska it was wise to keep guns. It was not uncommon to have bears try to get into cabins where food was. But a pellet gun would suffice for most matters.

Any time you notice a small child hurting anything, you should correct that behavior. Children need to learn kindness, gentleness, compassion and caring for life.
We cannot expect children to automatically know these things. They must be taught. Speaking of them, as you go through every day, teaching day in and day out. The right way to live, to play. What their responsibilities are in the home, at school, and when they visit others.

Teach them this and exactly what punishment would incur if they abused your rules for living. When children have a clear understanding of what is expected of them, and the consequences , you will have far fewer problems! They usually want to please you!
Rules give your child safe "boundaries". They expect these boundaries, or they will push to see where the boundaries are.

Consistently enforcing these boundaries gives the child the knowledge they are cared for.

And we get back to the example too. If you abuse your child , how can you expect them not abuse others, or even you someday.

I hope every parent will read the Dobson books on child rearing. I find the balance of love and correction there to be invaluable tools. They sure worked for me. I see the results in my kids every day. Now grown happy well adjusted adults. They are caring, hard working, creative people. Their co-workers love them, they live stable lives without drugs, or destructive habits.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Remember that song? back in the late 50's I believe. We ALL want to be respected.

You will teach children respect when you respect them. This does not mean you give up your responsibility to set boundaries in the home. In their actions, and re-actions.
YOU must learn the difference between what is a right, and what is a privilege for your children.

It is their RIGHT to receive food, shelter, hugs, acceptance, and love.

It is NOT their right to bad mouth you, or their teachers, or those in authority.

It is Not a right, to down grade others, etc. These behaviors are not acceptable.
It is not your right to do so either.

It is your right to expect your children to respect you.

it is their right to expect respect from you.

It is a privilege, NOT a right to watch TV, play with their games at certain times. Use the computer. Privileges can be revoked temporarily if their actions do not live up to the moral standard set at your home.

NEVER WITH HOLD LOVE, THIS IS EVERY CHILDS RIGHT!

You can withhold privileges. I used things they really liked in the privilege field as tools to reprimand them. Like a favorite game, computer time, free time, etc.

I have seen more teens turn around from wrong behavior when treated with respect.
We all know how we feel on the job when others respect our views.

Show a little more respect to the old, the young, the poor and the ragged.
Together we can make a difference in this ole world. Begin now, with your children, and they can pass it on.

Take One day a week and REST w/Family

Seven days in the week. Our lives are busy busy busy. We cram so much into each day, we never take time to enjoy living!!

While it is good to plan things for the kids. Swimming, sports, music, etc. We must take time to schedule REST.

Rest for the mind, body and spirit.

Quiet time. Soft music, calmness and quiet. Everyday should have a hour of this. Maybe right before bed. What ever works for your family. Family reading time would be great! Teach your children the wonders of reading.
Small children need to learn to be quiet. A hour each day on a blanket, learning shhhhhh, quiet time. This will be invaluable when you go out. As they will learn how to be quiet at the movies, the restaurant, etc.

Children need something more than what you Give them. They need your undivided attention. We need to take time and stop. Stop what you are doing, and JUST BE!

Time waits for no one. It is going to pass from night to day, and it will not slow down so you can enjoy those little faces of your children unless you take the time to do so. You will be ever so glad you did, your children will be more happy. When you have no more children at home, you will remember those special times of rest with the family.

For me, that one day of rest was going to church with my kids one day a week. In the morning we would dress in our best clothes, and attend services. That afternoon, we would go out to eat with friends. Take in a play at the park, or do games at home. The day was set aside just for rest.

Camping, boating, a day at the beach, a day at the library, all good things to rest and relax with the children. You can find ways that cost little or no money. Libraries have free dvd's to check out, books, books on tape, and music cds.

A time for school, a time for chores, a time for friends, and a time just for family quietness. You will find those times are when your kids will reveal what is going on in their lives. My daughter and I loved to take a drive. No destination. Just drive. We would play music, and drive around. It was then she would talk with me or I with her. She still likes to do that to this day.

The Mouth and what comes out of it!

Every day, on TV, in our groups of friends, on the street, people are communicating. At least, they are attempting to communicate. For too many, what is thought, is instantly spoken without regards to the impact those words may have. Not only on them but especially to others.

I Believe it is vital to teach our children to THINK before they speak. Teach them not only to think first, but analyze if what they are about to say is:
1. True
2. Productive
3. Honest
4. Uplifting
5. Encouraging
6. Helpful
7. Useful

IF the communication is one to criticize something, do they have solid basis in which to do so. I am appalled at how much society uses the "F" word, or words to that effect. Stop and listen to some groups on the street.

I often wonder if these people have such limited vocabulary that is the only word they know. My own dad, when with a group of men would use the "S" word so often one would think they were constipated! (ok I have tickled my own funny bone LOL)

If we teach our children to speak with respect, and carefully thought out words, they will grow up to be better humans. Their speech will also be important to future job opportunities!

Remember, children do not just "grow up" and know things. They MUST BE TAUGHT!

I noticed the other day on the twitter scoop, one of the most used word that day was
"god" What a disgrace! GOD, is not a word to use in a slang Disrespectful manner. Why do we think we need to adorn our speech with slang words anyway?

We certainly can try to speak better. I am included in this. I still to this day if I hurt myself or something drastic happens use my dads old favorite slang. I hate this!
I am trying to use a substitute word of less grimy intent!

My grandmother had a great one, something about "a tick on a june bug" whatever that means. At least it was funny without meaning some disgusting thing.

When I get hurt, why can't i just say, "oh drat, that hurt" or "fum dum diddle do, I did it again"

Priorities. Heros.

Teach your children Priorities. For whatever you spend the most time with, or thinking on, may well be the most important thing in your life. For little children this does not apply for a few years. But it is not long when they may spend more than a healthy amount of time on the computer, gaming, daydreaming of some movie star or singer. While most things can be harmless, you must be aware if this gets excessive.

idolize
verb
the kids idolize their fighter-pilot father hero-worship, worship, revere, venerate, deify, lionize; stand in awe of, reverence, look up to, admire, adore, exalt; informal put on a pedestal.

To think so highly of a family member is good or some one who is worthy of this. For children need someone to look up to, and admire. Someone they want to be like!
But if that person or group is of wrong character, what will your child become? Gang worship, personalities with wrong moral and character traits are so very harmful.

A lot of games today are Idolized by the players. They want to be like some character that is not real.

I remember, myself, as a teen, having a certain band members as a "Idol" I had these guys plastered all over the walls, the ceiling, and thought about them a lot. It was a passing fancy. A harmless thing that teens go through. Oh, my gosh, I am embarrassed to say it was the .........MONKEYS. Never heard of them? well, they did not last that long. They were silly, and at the time of the Beatles. My dad had a fit, but mom, knew it was harmless. I grew out of it.

But what if I had started putting up posters of a group who sang constantly about raping and murdering, who were always in trouble with the law, dark characters. Would you as a parent be concerned?

You should. You should find out why this is a hero to your child.

On priorities, be sure and show your children how important they are to you, every single day. Take time for them, listen to them. Be interested in some of the things they are interested in. Being single with kids takes more work but it is not only worth it, it is a fulfilling part of your life.

Show them they are your number one priority and that the family and its needs should be their number one priority. Working together, playing together. All toward the common goals of the family. Being healthy, in mind, body and spirit.

If you show by your actions that every job of yours, takes priority over them, what are you saying? You are saying that they are second, third or not important at all. For what you spend your time with the most is not only your idol, it is your priority. No buts.

We learn to MAKE time for what is most important.

I have went through 9 things I believe are VITAL to all children's healthy growth to adulthood. Things that as a single parent, I followed the best I could. I know you can do it too. Never Give up doing your best. You have but this one chance to make a difference in a little life. It is never too late to change.

I leave you now with this Most important lesson. You cannot build anything unless you have a foundation. My foundation is built on the belief in God. I lost my husband when i was 34 years old. Bob was 34 years old when he died. I raised two children and I did it by the miracles and love of Jesus Christ. His ways are all listed above. They are the ten commandments in words that are applicable for us today.
My children are who they are today because of my belief in Him and Trust in Him.

God will help you too. You just need to ask and seek till He opens the door!

I cannot explain in words how Great His help has been in my life. For over 30 years now I have been following Christ. I am a living example of His Providence and Protection.

May you find this story helpful in your pursuit of leading your children to success also.