Parenting Powers

The Secret Formula to Powerful Parenting, by Susan Epstein, LCSW, Parent Coach, is a hands on manual that presents real issues parents face with children and adolescents in today's plugged-in, fast paced society.

In this very special book you will discover:

=> 3 steps to ending back talk, forever! (never again will you hear "No I won't and you can't make me!")

=> The #1 secret of getting kids to listen - the very first time! (No more repeating!)

=> The 5 key elements to get your kids to start respecting you immediately. (Getting the "please, thank you" and appreciation you deserve)

=> Behavior/chore charts that really work to get kids to cooperate. (If you feel like it is easier to do it yourself than to ask your kids--this is for you.)

=> The #1 reason kids don't eat and what to do about it. (Do you feel like a short order cook? Does everyone in your family want something different for dinner? Are you fed up? Then you're going to love this section.)

=> The 6 best ways to deal with TV, video games and computer overuse (plus how to get them to listen to you when it's time for dinner).

=> How to teach kids the value of money and learn financial lessons. (Do you have a Gimme Gimme Kid?)

=> The 5 best ways to turn sibling fighting into sibling loving (and how to eliminate fighting altogether).

=> 10 important warning signs that your child/teen is using drugs/alcohol and what to do about it. (How to find out for sure if your child is using/abusing while remaining close to your child/teen.)

=> 9 key elements in talking with your children about divorce. (When to tell, how to tell and what to tell for kids of all ages).

=> 5 essential skills for step-parents and blended families. (How to parent together and look like the Brady Bunch in spite of today's new world challenges.)

=> 5 organizational tips for enjoying your kids while working from home (plus teaching your kids work ethics, respect and responsibility).

=> 5 ways to create and enhance a healthy marriage or partnership while raising kids. (Finally . . . find time for you and your mate that is meaningful and fun!)

What might happen to kids whose parents don't learn these techniques?

=> Disrespect not only parents but other authority figures.

=> Difficulty in the workplace.

=> Anger issues.

=> Relationship issues.

=> Problems in school.

=> Problems with drugs/alcohol.

=> Problems with the law.

Are you ready to turn your child's behavior around in 30 days or less?

parentingpowers.com/takebacksystem.htm

The issue is not whether spanking children should be illegal; a recently proposed measure in Massachusetts bans parents from spanking their own children. Rather, the question is: what are the options for today's parents and how can we help parents learn and use discipline techniques other than spanking to get children to behave and be respectful?

Have you ever heard the expression "we parent the way we were parented?" To some extent, this is true. However, through many years of working with parents, I have come to believe that we are more likely to use the way we were parented as a measuring stick, barometer, or baseline and not as a rigid template.

Some parents want to recreate their own childhoods for their children; others want to run away from those memories as fast as they can. And still others want some of what was good and want to let go of what was not.

Whatever your parenting style is, you are most likely struggling with making it work. Three-, four-and five-year-old children are being identified with severe behavior issues. Parents are yelling and spanking kids and kids are hitting and kicking their parents. Teens are talking back, refusing to participate in family life and getting into trouble in the community.

Parents are in desperate need of new techniques and strategies to curb the widespread disrespect that is running through our homes, schools and communities. Moms, dads, grandparents and other child caregivers are crying out for help to create a home life free of yelling and spanking but they do not know what to do.

"I am not strict enough," "I'm too easy," or "It's too overwhelming," say many parents who blame themselves for their child's disrespectful behaviors.

Parents, it's not your fault and here's why. Not too many years ago it was socially acceptable to spank, yell and use harsh punishment with children. Many parents grew up with the threat of "a spanking" or "wait until your father gets home." For most of us, this was enough to keep us in line.

We have learned that threatening and not following through hurts our authority and credibility. Children will take that as an invitation to act out even more. Some of us were spanked and have vowed never to spank because we now know that these child-rearing methods can be emotionally and physically damaging to children.

As a result many parents feel that their hands are tied. Parents feel that they have been stripped of their parenting powers and are blaming themselves for their child's out-of-control behavior. Parents have become immune and numb to the many ways their children treat them. Parents are exhausted from long working days and responsibilities and obligations that go along with parenting and balancing a career.

Most experts would agree that good parenting means providing positive and nurturing experiences to children that build a strong character and a sense of self-worth. So how do we create these experiences with our kids if they are constantly misbehaving and we are depleted of our parenting energy?

There is something that you can do and without yelling, threatening, spanking or expending a lot of energy. However, it does take consistency and a poker face. This is what to do. Every time the child engages in one of these negative behaviors - talking back, rolling eyes, walking away - the parent must block this without becoming emotional. Simply stating what is expected is a great place to start. You say to your son or daughter as robotic as you can muster, they must not see you angered; instead you must appear in control and firm:

"Do not speak to me that way."

"Do not interrupt me."

"Do not make that face."

"Don't roll your eyes."

"Please look at me when I speak to you."

Keep repeating these brief commands until the behavior stops. Letting disrespect slide even once is a permission slip for children to do it again and again.

Parents, stop trying so hard. Lose the spanking, yelling and lectures for disrespectful behavior. Start telling your children what you expect. You'll be surprised with the results. Pick a day when you are rested and can be on 100 percent and start saying what you expect from your kids and command the respect that you deserve.

Do you dread bedtime? Does your child call to you after you have already read 3 stories, plus 2 and checked for monsters and lined up the stuffed animals and made sure that the door was ajar in exactly the correct position to your child's specifications? Does your child get out of bed over and over until you are both exhausted and your child is crying?

Does your child demand that you lie down with her/him? And stay there until your child falls asleep? Do you find yourself drifting off and waking up two hours later in your child's bed? Or worse, when you try to sneak out, does your child wake up and demand that you return? Or do you wake up in your own bed and notice the extra little body sleeping peaceful beside you?

If any of this sounds familiar then you are probably waking up exhausted in the morning, dragging yourself through your day and dreading this evening when it all starts again.

How would you like to be able to tuck your child into bed with a night time kiss and have the rest of the night for you? And, how would you like to wake up feeling rested and refreshed the next morning?

And how would you like to have enough energy to make it through your day without needing a nap? And look forward to bedtime with your child?

Follow these instructions:

Today:

Remove the TV's from your child's bedroom.
Buy a portable timer.
Buy or make a special pillow or stuffed toy-

Tonight:

Before dinner, tell your child that there will be a new bedtime plan. Give them the pillow or stuffed animal and tell them that this is their very own Magical Protection. It keeps monsters out of kid's rooms and helps kids get comfy and fall asleep very fast.

10 minutes before bedtime, tell you child they get to choose 2 to 3 stories, their choice, but no more. After you read each story repeat "ok that was number_ story we have _ left."

Tuck your child in. Tell your child that you have a timer and are going to set the timer to go off in 5 minutes and that you are going to return and make sure that the Magical Protector is doing his/her job.

When you go back, reassure your child that s/he is safe and tell them you will be back again in 6 minutes. Keep going back and start spacing out the checking.

If your child gets out of bed, calmly walk him/her back to bed and repeat from the beginning.

If your child ends up in your bed same drill. (I know you are tired!) Do it anyway.

The average time it takes to retrain your child is about 3 days. Sometimes more and sometimes less. The less you give in the quicker your successs will be and the more rested and peaceful you will feel!

Coping with a death in the family is one of the most difficult challenges that you and your children will ever undertake. Before you begin explaining death to your child, it may be very helpful to look back at your own childhood experiences with death.

Did anyone talk to you about death?

What did they tell you about death?

Did you have stories about death that you never spoken? about?

Do you remember what you were told about what happens? when someone dies?

Because of their own past experiences, some parents think they need to protect their children from dealing with death.

FAQ's

1. How do I explain death to a young child?

Tell your children the truth and answer your child's questions. Go to the library and take out children's books on death and read them to your child.

2. How should I tell my child?

Use language they can understand. Be careful not to use the words "went away", "lost", etc. Young children will take you very literally and want to know why Grandpa has not returned or will want to know when we will go look for him.

3. How much information should I share with my child?

Use common sense for how much information you need to share based on developmental stage of your child. Keep it simple, for example "Grandpa got sick and his heart stopped working.

4. Should I bring to my child to the funeral or service?

If your child can sit through a service without you having to entertain him/her or having to get up and take him or her out, s/he is able to go to the funeral.

5. Should I let my child see me cry?

Grieve in front of your child. (Do not hide your sadness, instead show it is okay to cry when someone dies.)

6. What should I say when my child sees me sad?

Your child will ask you if you are sad. Answer him/her, "Yes, I am, because I loved Grandpa very much."

7. How do I keep the memories alive of the loved one who has died? died?

Talk with your child about the experiences that they had with the loved one. Look at photos together and make it okay to bring up the loved one's name.

8. What if my child thinks that I will also die?

Explain to your child that that is not likely- but be careful. We all will die. We just don't know when. Most people live a long life.

9. How do I know if my child is grieving in the "right way"?

There is no right way to grieve. Every child will grieve differently. And there is no length of time when your child should be "done" or "over it". It is a process and grief needs to run its course.

10. What do I do if I can't handle it?

Sometimes parents are so overwhelmed themselves in grieving that they would benefit from some help and guidance. A parent coach can help you take care of yourself while simultaneously providing support and caring for your children following a death in the family.