ARE PEARLS TRAINING PARENTS TO ABUSE CHILDREN?

There is an old joke about the student that excuses his lack of homework by saying the dog ate his completed assignment. The joke was that no one believed him, and he would still get a poor mark because the homework was his responsibility.

However, what used to be an old joke has become a way of life for some.

Today, a large part of the population stands ready to help assign blame elsewhere whenever something goes horribly wrong. If you eat the wrong foods or spill a hot beverage, join the class action suit against a fast food joint. If someone commits a computer crime, shut down the internet provider. If someone gets shot, why not arrest the gun shop owner that sold the weapon? If you molest children today, it has to do with inborn traits and whether or not you had an upsetting childhood. We refrain from calling predators perverts because we wouldn't want to offend. We have warning labels to tell us that it's not smart to use a hair dryer when we are asleep. Apparently, we've become a nation of incompetents that need protection from our own excesses, carelessness, poor judgment and uncontrollable criminal impulses.

The worst offenders go to incomprehensible extremes in the name of God. History is full of examples of those who point to God as an excuse for actions. The Crusades, Slave Trafficking, the Trail of Tears, the Holocaust - and many more - all began with someone who imagined they had the God given right to take just one more step in the wrong direction.

Deep down we still realize that human beings are equipped with common sense. If we are honest, we understand that we should exercise that common sense or be prepared to suffer the consequences. Right?

Maybe not.

The joke about the dog eating the homework is no longer funny. Today, the entire student body will help find a way to blame someone else. How can we expect the responsibility to rest on the person assigned the task?

The news media and blogosphere are currently abuzz with the news of a senseless tragedy. A seven year old California child is dead. Her 8 siblings are in protective custody. Her adoptive parents are charged with murder. Interviews with friends of this family indicate those who knew them are stunned and shocked at the news.

The blamers are already weighing in on this one. This time, they aren't saying this is the result of the strains of life in a large family. They aren't blaming heterosexual marriage, employment by the US Postal service, hormonal fluctuations, poor television viewing choices, rock and roll, or cream filled snack cakes. International adoption hasn't yet been blamed. So far, Christianity isn't being made the scapegoat, although the word 'fundamentalist' is being tossed around.

THIS time, fingers of blame are pointing at the book TO TRAIN UP A CHILD. News reporters, angry bloggers and internet commentators suggest that the authors, Michael and Debi Pearl, caused the death of this child. What makes these grandparents in rural Tennessee so dangerous? Do they really run a cult and brainwash parents into abusing their children to death? Why would anyone allow them to do this? HOW are they able to do it from over 2,000 miles away?

Good questions, if you accept the premise that parents are not responsible for their own actions and the Pearls are able to control the minds of thousands of people they don't know or never met. Good questions if books and materials from No Greater Joy Ministries are in fact turning unbalanced parents into child torturers.

Let's suppose that a family DID closely follow the teachings on the Pearls' web site www.nogreaterjoy.org. If that's the case, the parents would have read this excerpt from an article written by Michael Pearl - IN DEFENSE OF BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT?

When is it abuse?
You are abusing the child when it starts doing harm to the child. Listen to your friends-especially to those friends that share your philosophy. Ask the opinion of people you respect. If they think you are abusive, get counsel in a hurry. Ask the opinion of your older children. If your child is broken in spirit, cowed and subdued, you have a problem. Children should be happy and cheerful, full of enthusiasm and creativity. If your children are fearful or anxious, you should get some counsel.

Not all families have an internet connection. Maybe a particular family didn't receive a free subscription to NO GREATER JOY MAGAZINE (where the above quote was originally published). What if parents only had access to Michael Pearl's book, TO TRAIN UP A CHILD? At less than 150 pages, it isn't that difficult to read. Yet, if they DID read that book, they would have encountered passages such as these:

From the Introduction:
"This book is not about discipline, nor problem children. The emphasis is on the training of a child before the need to discipline arises. It is apparent that, though they expect obedience, most parents never attempt to train their child to obey. They wait until his behavior becomes unbearable and then explode. With proper training, discipline can be reduced to 5% of what many now practice. As you come to understand the difference between training and discipline, you will have a renewed vision for your family-no more raised voices, no contention, no bad attitudes, fewer spankings, a cheerful atmosphere in the home, and total obedience from your children.

If parents are frustrated to the point of anger, page 25 says:
When children see you motivated by anger and frustration, they assume that your "discipline" is just a personal matter, a competition of interest. The child thinks of you much as he would of any other child who is bullying him around. He is not being made to respect the law and the lawgiver. He believes that you are forcing him to give in to superior power. When you act in anger, your child feels that you are committing a personal transgression against him-violating his rights. You have lost the dignity of your office. As politicians often say, "You are not presidential enough." If your child does not see consistency in the lawgiver, in his mind there is no law at all, just competition for supremacy. You have taught yourself to be motivated only by anger. And you have taught your child to respond only to anger. Having failed to properly train your child, you have allowed the seeds of self-indulgence and rebellion to grow to ugly proportions.

If a child is angered by the impatience and pride of parents, page 33 says:
Father, if you care for your child's soul more than your pride, then humble yourself and ask his forgiveness (even if he is just two years old). Then, become a patient father and husband (Your wife will feel your impatience, too.). Spend time with your child doing things that are creative-things that give him a sense of great adventure or accomplishment. You can't lead your child closer to God, peace, and discipline than you are yourself.

If parents are given to extreme responses, pages 50 and 51 say:
A CAUTION TO RECIPIENTS OF THE MILLSTONE AWARD
There are always some who act in the extreme. These individuals are capable of using what has been said about the legitimate use of the rod to justify ongoing brutality to their children. I can think of several right now. These abusers of their children would not in the least view themselves as such. They would call themselves "strong disciplinarians." "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea" (Matt. 18:6).

FORMS OF ABUSE
Only a few parents are categorically abusive. But many parents sometimes give in to anger and employ abusive methods: The child is rebellious. The parent suddenly loses it and screams out. Like a whirlwind, he snatches the child up by the arm and gives him several bangs on the bottom. The father's eyes burn, his brow hardens. His pulse rate soars. Anger is the best word to describe his feelings. Smash! Subdue! "You will do what I say. You are not going to do this to me, little boy!" Red-faced, muscles tensed. Anyone looking at the face of a parent in this state would think there was a war in progress.

The rod should never be a vent for parents' anger. In the daily course of life, many people experience anger and have an impulse to strike out. There is no place for this selfish, vindictive streak in the discipline of children. Where the supreme motivation is anything other than the child's good, it is inevitable that such behavior by the parent will assuredly create
problems.

I am ashamed to say that in most cases, the rod is administered at the end of an intolerance curve. Average parents are quite predictable in their "discipline." They go through a warm-up exercise of threats and increasing irritation until their anger generates a will to retaliate against the child. What follows is an altercation, not Biblical chastisement.

There is a political move to outlaw spanking. They say, "If you hit a child, he will grow up to be violent." They do not believe the Bible, and they judge others by their own experience. The only time they have "hit" their child, or been tempted to, is when they were angry. They are correct in saying that what they call "hitting the child" may cause him to grow up and use violence as a way of resolving conflicts. But they do not understand the Christian heart. Having never experienced it, they cannot fathom the self-restraint and love that motivates true Christians. The problem is that spanking is practiced by many people motivated by self-interest, and this is what the spanking abolitionists are seeing and reacting to.

Page 84 says to set a worthy example for children to follow:
PARENTAL PROTOTYPES
Never expect more of your children in the way of attitude than you are of yourself. Happy, well-balanced parents who neglect the rod and reproof will have grouchy, complaining, tantrum-prone children. But in a situation where one or both of the parents are an emotional wreck, not much can be expected from the child. A CHILD IS GOING TO BE THE HARVEST OF HIS PARENTS' TEMPERAMENT. If the mother is sulky, critical, or selfish, the children will have a tendency to be the same. If the father is a bully or full of anger and impatience, his sons will be too. If the father is rude, demanding, and disrespectful of the mother, you can expect the same from his sons. If a father is intemperate or lustful, the children will likely be worse. I have seen many children openly despise their parents' sins, yet grow up to be just like them. The lesson in this is: YOU MUST BE what you want your child to be-in attitude as well as actions. Don't try to "beat the ugly" out of a child who is simply a display window of your own heart attitudes.

And page 97 says not to threaten or intimidate children with threats about God:
I have cringed at seeing parents use God to intimidate their children into obedience. A child has been "bad," and the mother warns, "You shouldn't do that, God doesn't like it." Or worse, "God is going to get you for that." And again, "Mama might not see it, but God does." Talk about negative, counter-productive training! If you constrain a child by threatening him with divine displeasure, he will come to hate God and will throw off religion as soon as he is old enough for independent action. It happens with regularity. Never, I say, "NEVER use God to threaten or intimidate your child into compliance." You are causing the child to associate God with condemnation and rejection. You should teach your children of God's judgments, of heaven and hell, and the awful consequences of sin, but not as a means to manipulate their daily behavior.

These excerpts demonstrate that the Pearl's have taken space in their magazine articles, web site and child training books to repeatedly urge parents NOT TO CAUSE CHILDREN HARM. Further, these statements show that parents who would claim to follow the methods of child training promoted in TO TRAIN UP A CHILD would also incorporate the warnings against harming a child emotionally or physically. TO TRAIN UP A CHILD in no way promotes or justifies violence against children. Rather, the book condemns such practices.

Regardless of any stated philosophy, it is a parent's actions that will reveal his true beliefs. It is inconsistent that actions condemned in these materials would be attributed to its authors.

CHECK THESE RESOURCES FOR YOURSELF
Visit the Pearl's website:
NO GREATER JOY MINISTRIES.

Click on this link to read the online article
IN DEFENSE OF BIBLICAL CHASTISEMENT.

A current issue the magazine can be found here:
NO GREATER JOY MAGAZINE.