Redneck humor and Jokes with photos

Some Redneck etiquette while driving on or off the road:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose.

1. The monitor is up on blocks.

2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

3. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.

4. The extra RAM slots in your computer have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

5. John Deer pocket protectors left on the desk.

6. Your password has been changed to "Bubba"

7. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

8. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

9. The keyboard is camouflaged.

10. You hear him refer to the mouse as a "critter"

Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Artery..................The study of paintings.

Bacteria............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

CTscan....................Searching for kitty.

Cauterize.................Made eye contact with her.

Colic................A sheep dog.

Coma................A punctuation mark.

D & C.....................Where Washington is.

Dilate...............To live long.

Enema.....................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................A small lie.

G.I. Series...............World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent..................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane.

Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.

Node.................I knew it.

Outpatient...............A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.

Post Operative.........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum....................Darn near killed him.

Secretion.........Hiding something.

Seizure..........Roman emperor.

Tablet.................A small table.

Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor...................More than one.

Urine....................Opposite of you're out.

ZAT: Is that.
Usage:"Zat yo dawg?"

WAR: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals.
Usage:"Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war." OVAIR: In that direction.

SEED: - verb, past tense
Usage:"Deed you seed what that gurl deed to him?"

WHUP: To beat or to strike.
Usage:"OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."

TUMOR: More than one

IMPOTENT: Distinguished, well known.

Usage:"Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live

BACKUP: What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

WARSH: - verb. To clean.
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

BIT: A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage:"That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

LIKKER: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon.
Usage:"Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'

BLEEVE: Expression of intent or faith.
Usage:"Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."

COLE'S LAW: Thinly shredded cabbage

FARN: - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

GOOD OLE BOY: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order.
Usage:"Bubba's a good ole boy."

RETARD: - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

VARICOSE VEINS: Veins that are very close together

10. You hear him refer to the mouse as a "critter"