Rhinoceros Party

Let's face, any country that hunkers down for 11 months of winter, and one month infested with black flies, beer and beef burgers deserves to have some fun.

So, it's not surprising in a country where political pluralism and fringe parties are synonymous with freedom to do your own thing, that those crazy Canucks came up with their very own symbol of sillyness.

The Party, (established in 1963 by Quebec author and physician, Jacques Ferron), drew it's inspiration and name from "Cacareco", a Brazilian rhinoceros that won a landslide victory to take a seat on Sao Paulo city council in 1958. His nomination was the result of a prank by several reporters.

The good doctor then delegated his powers to a baby rhinoceros named "Cornelius" (born at Quebec's Granby zoo). When Cornelius was later sent to a zoo in San Diego in trade for a giraffe, the Rhinos were mortified. Using their light-hearted logic they concluded that Cornelius was merely indulging in the Canadian national pastime of cross-border shopping in the U.S., and so move was perhaps a big-spending blessing in disguise.

Rhinos and ripsnorting politicians share a good deal in common, they're thick-skinned, dim-witted, can move as fast as hell when in danger and possess large, hairy horns that protrude from the middle of their faces.

As far what else they share in common...well they do precious little except eat off the fat of the land. As for promises well they're not known for keeping them and platforms they're nothing but preposterous at best and at worst will amount to nothing...nada, not even a hill of beans!

In the game of life, they more often than not seen as a bunch of blowhards, who haven't got a sweet clue how to play by the rules, which is why you'll often see several several rhinos running around in the same riding with the outrageous objective of splitting the silly vote!!

Apparently the Party came on hard times when in 1993 the government of Canada (headed by the Conservative party leader Brian Mulroney) changed the election laws, making it difficult for the rhinos to run in all the ridings unless they agreed to fork over $1,000 per critter for their puckish privilege.

In 1980, the Rhino party garnered 120,000 votes (which only goes to prove that crazy Canucks really do care enough to vote for the best boisterous beasts of burden around)!

The party last ran in a federal election in 1988, fielding 74 candidates. Regrettably, none were elected.

In 2004, Elections Canada, changed the laws again perhaps realizing that trying to herd the current clan of cats in Parliament was a bit of lost cause, and had to admit that rhinos, or for that matter any beast could register and run for political office.

The real question is, why aren't the rhinos running in this federal election? Why aren't the gurus of gray running against those boisterous buffons in blue, red, green, or orange? What do you mean there's no more room in the bog, swamp or quagmire of life for these gentle giants? Stay tuned to the Hindquarters to find out who will win the booby-prize this year!

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Image Credit: Albrecht Durer - 1515

What would elections be without promises? Everyone knows that anyone who runs for public office uses promises for the purposes of window-dressing, filling air time in TV commercials, and impressing those who think emporers should always parade about in their best bib and tucker.

Let's face it, there's nothing in the rules that says politicians who make promises have to fill them, so it's not surprising that's why nothing gets done!

This amazing little fact of life inspires rhinos who are keen to keep up the good work of doing nothing plus adding a tiny bit of titillation to these time-tested traditions.

The party's mirthful motto: "We promise to keep none of our promises!"

In the best tradition of puckish pork-barrelling politics, here are a few of their grand if not gratuitous giveaways:

1. Repealing the law of gravity.
2. Paving Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot.
3. Providing higher education by building taller schools.
4. Instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages.
5. Tearing down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see the Pacific sunset.
6. Making Montreal the Venice of North America by damming the St. Lawrence River.
7. Abolishing the environment because it's too hard to keep clean and it takes up so much space.
8. Annexing the United States, which would take its place as the third territory, after the Yukon and the Northwest Territories (Nunavut did not yet exist) in Canada's backyard, in order to eliminate foreign control of Canada's natural resources.
9. Permitting everyone to smile, smirk, and say cheese for their Canadian passport photos.
10. Paving the Bay of Fundy to create more parking in the Maritimes.
11. Turning Montreal's Saint Catherine Street into the world's longest bowling alley.
12. Adopting the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in over five years with large trucks and tractors first, then buses, eventually including small cars and bicycles last.
13. Selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California.
14. Putting the national debt on Visa.
15. Declaring war on Belgium because a Belgian cartoon character, Tintin, killed a rhinoceros in one of the cartoons.
16. Offering to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros "Hindquarters" in Montréal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in fact, do this).
17. Painting Canada's coastal sea limits in watercolour so that Canadian fish would know where they were at all times.
18. Banning guns and butter, since both kill.
19. Banning lousy Canadian winters.
20. Renaming the country Nantucket.
21. Building a bridge spanning the country, from Vancouver Island to Newfoundland.
22. Making the Trans-Canada Highway one way only.
23. Changing Canada's currency to bubble gum, so it could be inflated or deflated at will.
24. Donate a free rhinoceros to every aspiring artist in Canada.
25. Counting the 1000 Islands to see if the Americans have stolen any.
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Photo Insert Credit: starleneg's photostream on flickr.com

Today, voters are constantly complaining that thtey have so little to choose from amongst the myriad of mirthless candidates.

Blogs and forums are full of folks who reminisce about the good old days when they could count on a a ripsnorting rhino to ride herd over all the curious critters in their ridings.

So, to jog the minds of the vapid voting public here are some more promises from the peanut gallery!

1. In Newfoundland, the Rhinos ran a candidate named "The Codfather" who proposed putting rubber sidewalks on George Street, so the drunks wouldn't hurt themselves when they fell."

2. The party felt obliged to offer "the guaranteed annual orgasm" to keep nature-lovers happy.

3. The party also reiterated its pledge to whitewash everything, in particular "to change our national flag to a white dove on a white background".

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Photo Insert Credit: RhinoNiki's photostream on flickr.com