Surviving Marriage Breakup

When I found out my husband was having an affair, I lost my mind. Seriously. I stumbled blindly through the motions of the day; getting up in the morning was hard as I barely slept at nights. I was running on adrenaline and a diet of cigarettes, coffee and red wine. I could barely eat and lost a stone in the space of 10 days.
He pretended he'd ended the affair but didn't really make the effort to hide that it was still going on and proceeded to spend the next 6 months telling me what an awful person I was. I went to work pretty much every day, occasionally crying in the bathroom - and my break times were spent sitting in the park by my office chain smoking, trying to figure out what to do. I say, trying - I really didn't have the capacity to think sensibly, I felt as though I was standing on the edge of a cliff with nothing but a huge black void to jump into. Grief, despair and fear I guess. I was totally devastated. I hated being in our home, but I hated being away from it at the same time. It was the place where I felt safe and secure yet it had been turned into this awful place of negativity and sorrow. To be honest, I was suicidal - I'd sit on a bench in the park wondering how much it would hurt if I threw myself in front of a train. How quick would it be? What would I need to do to ensure I didn't survive and that it would be over quickly? If not a train, then how? But then I'd catch myself and say 'I won't always feel this way, it won't always hurt this badly'. This became a sort of mantra for me, when the blackest of thoughts threatened to engulf me, I'd stop and remind myself that at some point in the future I'd look back to this time and feel ... nothing at all. I might well have been gripping the bench with all the strength I could muster to stop myself from running into the road, the fingernail marks are probably still there - but the mantra helped...

In retrospect it would have been better for me and my sanity if I'd left him straight away - but as I said, I lost my mind and any sense of reason. And so I stayed feeling suicidal, taking on board all the blame and feeling like the worst person on the planet - in the hope that I could convince him to give us another go. It was like existing in limbo. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on, keeping up appearances was taking all my energy (and probably his too). So that was another strain on me.
When I did finally confide in a friend, it came out more because I just couldn't cope with keeping it all in rather than actually wanting to tell her.

You need to find the right person/people to confide in,but choose carefully. Friends and family can sometimes react in unexpected ways in these sorts of situations - taking sides when no sides need be taken, turning into the biggest gossips, telling all and sundry, hypothesizing about the whys and wherefores - all of which is generally unhelpful and unproductive for you.
Talk about how you feel to someone who is truly supportive, someone who won't try and push you into making decisions or choices you might not be ready to make - just someone who will listen and keep the beer/wine/ice cream/doughnuts/popcorn/tofu (whatever you need)coming.
I found keeping a journal/diary helpful. It gave me a safe place to rant, to really vent my feelings. I didn't write in it every day - sometimes I wrote a couple of lines before bed other times I'd find that I'd been sitting for two hours or more just venting. You get to swear and use the foulest language if you feel like it and you get to say the things that you might not want to mention even to your best friend.

One year later, as I sit writing this, I have no emotional connection to my feelings of that time. I no longer replay the events or conversations in my mind. There will be good days and bad days and at some point you'll notice that the good days are occurring more often than the bad days.
Another thing which helped was the visualization exercise below. It wasn't easy, often I just couldn't relax enough to be really successful but when it did work, boy was it good.

1. Find a quiet place where you can relax and not be disturbed for 10 minutes. Switch off/unplug the phone, turn off anything electrical - TV, computer etc. Sitting or lying down comfortably close your eyes and focus on your breathing.
2. Take several slow, deep breaths - in through your nose, out through your mouth.
3. When you feel relaxed, imagine you are in a hot air balloon. The balloon is floating up above your building - higher and higher - above your whole neighbourhood, your town - further and further - higher and higher, above the clouds. Take it higher still.
4. Without interrupting your breathing, say to yourself "I am growing lighter and lighter - the lighter I feel the higher the balloon goes. After a minute or so, imagine that the balloon is so high that the visible surface of the earth is getting smaller and smaller.
5. Really enjoy this feeling of lightness and the sense of relaxation it brings.
6. Try to visualize the scene of the event that upset you (or was the cause of you despair, sorrow, disappointment, horror etc) See it as a far off observer, as though watching it on a screen far away. Say to yourself "all this is a long way away; thousands of miles separate me from the place where this horrid thing happened... I'm feeling good, I feel happy and relaxed, nothing can upset me"
7. Take a deep breath, hold it and repeat "I feel good, I feel happy and relaxed, and nothing can upset me". Repeat a number of times until you feel connected with the words.
8. Return to your normal breathing and open your eyes
You may find that this works after only one attempt, you may want to repeat this two or three times a day (just before you fall asleep is good). You might find that the good effects are too short lived. Persevere, it gets easier with practice until you'll find that just by taking a few deep breathes and visualizing yourself in the hot air balloon puts you in a deeply relaxed state.

During this time you might find that your emotions are on some kind of crazy rollercoaster - soaring highs then plunging terrifyingly fast into the depths of despair. This is perfectly normal, especially if you are not sleeping or eating. Easier said than done at times I know, but try to remember to fuel your body and mind by eating something - preferably not chocolate and cake (oh ok a bit but don't live on it). Try to eat lightly, but healthily - a little fresh fruit, some soup. Be nice to yourself. If you're having trouble sleeping - maybe have a nice relaxing bath with your favourite oil or bubble bath before bed - you know you deserve some pampering right now. Perhaps you're reacting in a different way - eating/drinking/smoking to excess? Try to distract yourself away from not so healthy activities by being more active. One day after work I got on my bike to cycle home but I really didn't want to home. I just didn't want to be in that house feeling depressed and lonely. So I cycled in the opposite direction for a few miles until I got to a huge park with a cycle path running through and around it. For the next half hour I cycled like a woman possessed. I put the gears up and cycled as hard and as fast as I could with tears running down my cheeks. After 20 minutes I realised that I felt... better. I realised how disconnected I'd been feeling from everything and everyone, but mostly from myself. And for a little while I'd given myself the time and space to really listen to me, to get in touch with my feelings. I'd also exhausted myself enough to sleep relatively well that night for a change.
Get off the couch and get physical
So go for a brisk walk, a bike ride - even better a run. It doesn't matter if you've never done it before. Get your trainers and comfortable clothes on, open the front door and jog to the corner. Then jog some more - to the next corner or lamp-post or tree. If it feels like too much stop jogging and walk briskly for 2 or 3 minutes - then start jogging again. Push yourself but listen to your body - don't go too far. If you can sing your favourite song easily and comfortably then you're probably not going hard enough - if you're gasping for breath then you've gone too far - you know what I mean. When the endorphins kick in you will feel so good and in touch with yourself - the power and confidence you feel in yourself should last a few hours. It doesn't matter what activity you choose just make it physical, strenuous and above all fun.

A word of caution; you might feel that you want to talk to other people in similar situations to your own. This is often a good idea if you find the right group. Organizations like Relate or other counselling services often run groups. Exercise caution with online forums. Unless it's one you already know and trust. Some are very good and helpful, others exist only for people who seem to want to stay in their current state and want other people to stay in that state too. Crazy but true. Look at old message threads and see if the same people are still posting the same kind of messages 2 years later for example. Balance in everything - of course it's a negative situation to be in but you want to get over it and move on. Part of that journey is regaining your positivity and optimism, not being bombarded with negative comments and bad advice. I say this as I did join a forum and later discovered that some of the very friendly and sympathetic people on it, including the organiser/administrator were actually using it to prey on people who were in vulnerable states. So if you do go down that route, be careful and don't give away too much personal information until you're sure.