Self Help To Grow and Change Our Lives

If you are here, you are clearly interested in making some changes in your life. To Grow and to Be Happy - as we all do of course. Well, most of us do!

We are here because we don't want to just 'settle' in life. Many of us have been through some hardships, many are going through some now. Searching for help.

Why should we 'settle' for a life of 'mediocrity' when we all have the inbuilt capacity to grow and develop - to become the best person that we can be - that we are meant to be, as we face the many challenges that life confronts us with.

We all want to be happier, healthier and financially free? Yes? Or are You Happy the Way things are? Treasure this if you are!

But by sharing our experiences, whether they be negative or positive, we can often alleviate any pain - just knowing that there is somewhere to go where people are willing to listen, to really listen.

Why should you come here though? Perhaps it may help to read my 'Bio' and for you to know that I am/have:

- trained and experienced in psychology and social assessments

- self aware, an avid and ongoing reader of self help books (and aspiring writer!)

- learned from many challenges and hardships in my own life (and feel free to share your story - it does help in some small way, knowing that you are not alone in this, that you can get through this)

- continuing to grow and want to be the best that I can - and will continue to learn

Moreover, I especially want to help others in their own personal and professional journeys of life.

To faciliate this, I have also created a site for a supportive, safe and sharing community at: http://selfhelp4growth.blogspot.com

Please always feel welcome there! I recommend many great books, write articles (of varying quality!), and provide you with lots of freebies in my 'Goodies Basket'. Lots of resources, information and tools to help you in your journey through life!

(Note that this site will be updated soon, and will move to a more structured and self-hosted word press blog/site - to be announced - until then, I hope you find it useful!) :-)

So, remember that old saying:

'Life is not a dress rehearsal: we only get one chance at it'

Each challenge, no matter how small or large, matters in our growth. We need to remember and reiterate this - that rather than viewing issues as a 'problem', try treating these life confrontations as challenges and opportunities to grow, to learn and to become stronger, like the butterfly.

Dream Big Dreams because Dreams Can Come True!

We can Learn much from the Butterfly.... As you will soon see, in the next postings! :-)

BUTTERFLIES AND STRENGTH

Did you know that a Butterfly, before it flies off into the sky, has to battle its way out of its cocoon? This takes great strength and struggle. Yet it is this struggle that enables the butterfly to have the strength to survive and to fly up and rise high.

It is a challenge that the butterfly MUST face to make it strong enough to face life - to even begin its life. Without such a challenge, the butterfly would never have the strength to fly.

This is a wonderful analogy for our own lives. We too, like the butterfly, must undergo struggles in life. We too can leave our 'cocoons'. Such struggles also make us stronger - each time, and through each challenge, we learn, we develop insight and we SURVIVE.

We begin to understand that no matter what may happen in our lives, that 'WE CAN HANDLE IT'!

Why can we handle it? Because we have before, and because we are here right now.

The Butterfly lesson or analogy is also important in that it can help ease many of the worries in our lives. Just by knowing that we actually NEED CHALLENGES to grow and succeed, helps us to better accept and understand such challenges - and ultimately - to gain greater peace and happiness within ourselves.

"AVOIDING CHALLENGE & 'PRE-LIVING' WORRY"

This Butterfly lesson and acceptance of the need for challenge in our lives, is also an important one to learn, because we often worry and fret over future problems in life - personal and professional.

We forget to live in the 'now', whether or not we are experiencing a challenging or a peaceful moment. That nagging 'inner chatterbox' kicks in ... you know the one?

What we are doing is living in an 'imagined future' or 'pre-living' our future. This can actually be a good thing in terms of visualization techniques in reaching our goals, which are referred to below. But it is not good if our focus is on worry or negativity.

By living outside of the present moment, and over-focusing on the outcomes (or perceived outcomes) of an imagined future, we sometimes fail to act and attend to the tasks we need to achieve right now (ie. sometimes as a result of avoidance of pain behavior). We tend to forget about the power of 'now' in reducing potential future pain through acting now.

"Reality, Time & Perception"

But how can we 'pre-live' the future? Through our imaginations and subconscious. Importantly, our minds often don't know the difference between 'reality' - and our 'perception' of reality. So we can go into a 'dream world', our imaginations bring us to this future (albeit an imagined future).

Our bodies don't know this difference - for all it knows, our imagined future IS the real future. So if we 'pre-live' the future in our minds, especially if worried and focusing on the worst possible outcomes - where are we? In an unnecessary state of being.

The concept of 'time' is a human construct and it is difficult to comprehend the relationships between past, present and future - the 'paradox of time' and time loops (eg which came first, the chicken or the egg)!

What is most important, however, is to keep it simple and to try to live and act in the NOW - bring yourself back to the moment you find yourself in right this minute - or 'series of moments or nows'. To actually experience it and not drift off.

"Can You Handle This Moment?"

If your 'imagined future' in some areas is negative, wouldn't you prefer to draw yourself back to this minute (assuming of course you are not experiencing a disaster right now)?

Do you think you can handle this minute? Are you handling it right now, this very second?? :-)Learning to live in the now, can help us to avoid or reduce unecessary worry and stress.

But what if our 'present now' is already very challenging or urgent? Well, just know that you have the power to ACT NOW to move forwards towards a better future 'now' (we simply experience a 'series of nows' - there is no 'tomorrow, it doesn't exist yet).

'The Problems of Avoiding Future Problems Now'

As you have probably discovered, avoiding problems or challenges in our lives NOW, can actually make the consequences worse - if only we had acted on a problem immediately! Yes, it may be painful to act at the time, but the action is usually not as painful as the outcomes of avoidance.

(as a very simple personal example - I was unable to pay 3 parking tickets due to my illness - I could have made more of an effort, but it was the last thing on my mind. The result - an initial fine of $60 ended up in penalties of nearly $1,000 - yikes! I certainly learned my lesson there!).

This could have been avoided. So, if we act immediately, rather than worrying so much about a 'potential and imagined future', then we can feel proud of ourselves, our accomplishment, large or small. We can avoid such penalties in life. Just take it one step at a time.

And note that, many of the 'what ifs' in life, actually do not happen anyway!

"Worry & the Rocking Chair Syndrome"

Also, when we worry and 'live' in a future that has yet to come - its like sitting on a rocking chair - rocking and moving, but getting nowhere. Again, there is no need to worry so much, especially if we can learn to focus and act more in the 'now'.

Who knows what will happen in the future? Who can predict with any certainty? Lives can change in an instant, for the better, and we can influence this future with the actions we take NOW.

"Our Comfort Zones & Fear"

Worry is also usually about fear of change and uncertainty. We all like stability and certainty - but this can never be possible. There is one certainty in life - that is - 'change'. The unknown.

Perhaps insert this concept into your 'comfort zone'? Perhaps it may help just to know that our lives will inevitably change, and that we do have some influence over this change, as you will see in articles below.

Moreover, even though we all like our comfort zones, sometimes, fear and worry can be good for us in 'healthy doses', in that they force us into action NOW.

But we need to take care, because often our 'negative inner chatterbox' starts nagging away at us. It can become detrimental to our physical and mental health - the stress can sometimes be overwhelming, and we avoid the actions we need to take to reduce that inner stress.

Remember - We too have the strength of the butterfly so we can fly, but let's all try to make this flight as enjoyable as possible through the actions we take now!

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - I have read that about 90% of the things we worry about do not happen! We can learn to be at peace with this acceptance, be assured, live and act in the 'now' in moving towards our goals, and leave the future to run its course.

Yes, learning to accept and live in the Now is often difficult to achieve, and we must keep reading and learning and practising. There are several techniques to help us achieve this, but it is only possible to describe some here as a starting point for you :)

Coming soon with Some 'Little Secrets' to being Happy Right Now!

ADDENDUM: How strange, after writing the post above about the strength of the Butterfly as an analogy for our own lives, I discovered an article on StumbleUpon - 'The Butterfly Story'.

Now I am sure I have read this somewhere, or similiar, but there is no reference to the source of this 'story' on that site. Nonetheless, I have reproduced it for you below, as it fits in beautifully with the analogy above (I hope the author of the site does not mind but just in case, here is the link: http://www.hawaiiswim.org/business/TheButterfly/TheButterfly.html

"The Story of the Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole. Then it stopped, as if it couldn't go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily but it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it, expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge and expand enough to support the body, Neither happened!

In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand: The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening was a way of forcing the fluid from the body into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.

We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly."

In fact, this also relates closely to an article I wrote on my selfhelp4growth blogspot, about the 'seaweed of life' and being grateful for our limitations and the struggles and failures that we face. Because these challenges move us to grow and to become stronger!

You can read more about that here -

> http://selfhelp4growth.blogspot.com/2008/04/be-thankful-for-our-limitations-and-sea.html

Included in this post is a short but powerful powerful poem about being Thankful (yes, even for the struggles and failures we experience in life).

Just imagine what it would be like if we had already achieved all of our goals, and there were no challenges or goals to achieve; to push us forward and to help us grow to be the best that we can at any given moment.

Would you be happy? Find out more by reading the article on my blog, and the articles below - some tips on becoming happy right now (more coming soon!)

I want to share some 'Little Secrets' with you today - to inspire, to perhaps help during a time of worry. They are not really 'secret' of course - they are merely 'common sense', but sometimes we just need to be actively reminded! They are very simple techniques that actually work for some strange reason.

It is my hope that they may help in a moment of self-doubt or fear, or worry or sadness, or despair. And remember - you are not alone. And, that you can also be your own greatest friend :-) Because we all talk to ourselves internally...

So here we go ....

'CONTROL' AND 'RESPONSE-ABILITY'

We often do not have control over most life events -they just seem to 'happen' (although we can 'attract' these events into our lives) - but what is most important, is that these 'events' are 'neutral' - and we do have control over how we respond to those events - and I mean 'respond' and not 'react' impulsively.

The MAIN things in life we have control over are

1) our thoughts
2) our emotions and
3) our behaviours - and each of these are interrelated.

Only 'we' have control over these things, nobody else. WE ARE UNIQUE. THERE IS NOBODY ELSE LIKE US. THUS, WE MUST TAKE CONTROL and be kind to ourselves. Treat ourselves in the same way we would our own true friends.

Hence, it makes also sense, that we also take "response-ability" for our actions - No blaming of life events. Again, they just happen; they are 'neutral'.

If we focus on changing those three aspects - our emotions, thoughts and behaviour, then our view of life events can gradually change. Our emotions change; and our behaviour changes.

WE TAKE MORE CONTROL in our lives. When we have control, we begin to feel that we can trust ourselves more - because sometimes we don't trust ourselves, our self-discipline, especially when we want to avoid something. And that is when the fear factor kicks in! This approach is similar to the saying...

'Please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference'.

I am sure many of you have heard this before?

This little phrase helped me to get through a very difficult experience recently. I could have 'reacted' and got angry, but I kept repeating this phrase to myself. The experience turned into a positive one, purely by controlling my thoughts, hence my feelings, and hence my actions - again, all are interrelated.

Remember - 'respond' to events, control and think about your 'response', and try not to impulsively 'react' - because sometimes such quick reactions are inappropriate and are cause for regret. And we can all learn to respond appropriately, in controlling our thoughts, emotions and behaviours... it just takes time and practice :-)

Wait for Part 2 of our 'Little Secrets'!

In part 1 of our 'Little Secrets', the emphasis was on control over our mind, emotions and body. Did you also know that our physiology, our physical movements can influence our emotions? The best analogy for this is exercise.

If we exercise (it might be a bit painful for those lazy ones of us- just at first!), our body releases powerful chemicals, endorphins, which cause feelings of pleasure (this is why some people become 'addicted' after passing the 'pain threshold').

It has even been claimed that some of the chemicals released in this 'physical' response are actually more powerful than morphine! Wonderful huh? Our own natural pleasure stimuli! Who needs drugs when we create our own internally!

This leads me to another LITTLE SECRET (if you don't want to exercise of course!). This is a simple little exercise - and it actually works! Why? Because it is almost impossible for the brain to feel both positive and negative feelings at exactly the same time.

If you are in a moment of despair or worry, no matter what the circumstance, try to Stop for a moment. Sometimes all you need to do is to intentionally 'force' a SMILE on your face! Lift those cheeks up, lift those lips up, move your face up, up, and up....SMILE!

:-]

No, that's not good enough - really SMILE

:-D

Imagine you are 'happy'. These 'physical' movements can actually trigger an 'emotional' response!

If you pay direct and conscious attention (which we don't often), you will notice, during a time of fear or worry, that your facial muscles, your jaw, everything is clenched up, stressed. But if you release that stress, amazing things can follow with your emotions.

So just try smiling. A simple smile - put a big grin on your face :-D - and somehow, you feel a little better. But only so long as that smile is up there!

Smile and all of a sudden - because your body usually associates smiling with good things - you do actually feel better - it cannot be helped - you cannot avoid it! You have absolutely no choice about it!

Smile - and this physical act - any positive physical act (standing taller, straighter, walking faster, more energy) - will usually have a direct and immediate impact upon your emotions - and hence, your thoughts and your behaviour.

I can't say this enough - simply try the SMILE TECHNIQUE - AND IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO FEEL AS BAD AS YOU DID A MOMENT AGO!! :-)

Stay tuned for Part 3 of our Little Secrets....

"Most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot."
- famous quote by Jim Rohn. :-D

"If you simply read affirmations as statements or quotes, they become mere CONTENT. That is: Neutral Thoughts of the Mind.. Thought and content without energy and emotion, bring nothing. To achieve them, You must really believe and FEEL your affirmations and dreams - with great ENERGY.

Everything in life is made of energy, down to the smallest atom. So draw upon this energy of the Universe and really Believe and Feel your desires ... Your Dreams ... with energetic and positive passion... like a small child who wants something ever-so badly and is not afraid to show it!"
- Me :-)

Carrying on from Part 2 of "Some Little Secrets' and the Effects of our Physiology-Body on our Mindset, another 'little secret' is one we all know about.

Probably most of us know about the value of Positive Affirmations - ie. trying to think positively and make positive statements to replace our negative thoughts with positive ones.

Howevever, for some reason, we have been conditioned towards the negative thoughts - they seems easier to believe (except for those lucky few who always seem to be happy and carefree!!).

Thus, whenever something negative happens, we tend to think - 'see, it is true, I am a failure, or similiar'. We are reinforcing the negatives in our lives, our beliefs about ourselves (or at least our 'perception' of ourselves, which is often at the sub-conscious level).

Strangely, we do not focus as much on the positive experiences we have had in our lifetimes. We tend to skip over those (unless again, you are a naturally positive person!).

In truth - it is much easier to focus on the negatives, because we don't have to take responsibility. We can become the 'victim'. And we 'confirm' our subconscious beliefs which have developed over time.

In trying to change this, however, as you may know, positive affirmations are often associated with 'visualiation techniques'. You visualize what and where and how you want to be in the future - your dreams, visions and goals. Where you are now and where you would like to be (unless you are already there - lucky person!).

Most, if not all of you, will also know about the power of visualiation in this respect. If we practice and believe in it, visualization can be a powerful tool, because -

'LIFE IS AN ILLUSION NOT A FACT'

As noted above, your mind often does not know the difference between 'reality' (what is happening, life events now) - and our 'perceptions of reality'. In other words,

"Life is an illusion, not a fact; What we see is merely a reflection, or a mirror of ourselves looking back". This is Our Own Unique 'Perception' of Life'

Thus - if we practice visualizing what we want in our lives (just like 'visualizing for an exam' to prepare yourself) - your mind begins to read this as an 'actual' experience! It apparently does not know the difference.

And if you visualize strongly enough and really believe - it can becomes your mind's reality!

Imagine the power of positive affirmations and visualizations in creating your own destiny! Below is a special 'Visualization Video' with further description on this issue. While this can be a complex issue as we go deeper into this subject, try to keep things simple. Just imagine what you want, visualize and believe.